


Warm steel and cold hands

by Fan_Seller



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa 3: The End of 希望ヶ峰学園 | The End of Kibougamine Gakuen | End of Hope's Peak High School, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: BDSM, BDSM as a coping mechanism, Bisexual Hinata Hajime, Bondage, Bottom Komaeda Nagito, Canon Compliant, Confused Hinata Hajime, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enthusiastic Consent, Eventual Smut, Feelings, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Fluff and more fluff, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Komaeda Nagito Being Komaeda Nagito, Living on the island, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Plot, Post-Canon, Post-Dangan Ronpa 3: Hope Arc, Post-Neo World Program (Dangan Ronpa), Post-hope arc life, Power Dynamics, Power Play, Rope Bondage, Sickfic, Slow Burn, Sub Nagito, Top Hinata Hajime, Ultimate Hope Hinata Hajime, We stan one (1) chaotic hope boy, Yes theres plot, a little bit, a lot of feelings, bc he's actually taking his meds, bc these two are dorks, but also bdsm, dom hajime, dr2 cast living happily bc they deserve it, emotional beach scenes, he's clueless tho but trying his best, intense handholding action, nagito getting better, nagito learns happiness again - the fanfic, oh and also NAGITO AND HIS CAGE, screaming internally hinata hajime, starts out a little heavy but its fluffy i swear, that explicit rating is there for a reason this is just a very long ride, theres a lot of those?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:28:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 139,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29160441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fan_Seller/pseuds/Fan_Seller
Summary: Hajime believes there are truly very few things in life that can surprise him anymore. As usual, Komaeda is one of them.Or: Nagito locks himself in a cage, and Hajime finds out he has some deep, forgotten kinks. He is as determined to try and ignore them as he is to help Komaeda. With an internally screaming Hajime and a pining Nagito, shenanigans ensue.(This is a longer, slow burn-ish canon compliant post dr3 piece, with a generally fluffy, comforting take on komahina & the cast living on the island. There's pining, a lot of pining. Plot happens. Oh, and bdsm. That too :) )
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito
Comments: 301
Kudos: 571





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Just wanted to say there might be some errors as I don't have a beta. I try to catch as many as I can by myself, but some will slip through. Sorry about those!
> 
> This is planned to definitely be a longer work, btw! It's slow burn, not the slowest, but the buildup takes a while. I wanted to give this a relaxed, comforting feeling most of the time :) 
> 
> Hope you enjoy <3

Hajime had always assumed that endings were simply a reality. Something began, it unraveled, it reached its climax, and then - it ended. Where there was a start, there was a finish line. Sometimes it was a happy end, sometimes not at all, but nevertheless, an end was always inevitable.

This turned out to be a baseless assumption.

After having lived through the simulation, he realized that his concept of "ending" was a very narrow one. Every death he witnessed seemed like an ending, an ending to someone else's story. They were bad endings, horrible endings, and they seemed as final as can be. But then everyone woke up, one after another, and their stories continued like they had never ended at all.

He assumed that was the ending. He worked tirelessly for weeks performing psychodives, monitoring everyone, praying to gods he didn't even believe in that everything would go well. And somehow, it did. After the horrifying events of the simulation, seeing his friends wake up one after the other, seeing himself succeed, it was a reality he could hardly believe. But they were standing before him in the sunlight, smiles on their faces. Survivors, alive and well. _She_ wasn't there, but Hajime could at least make her wish come true. He could make a new future for everyone.

Was that not an ending? He had done his job, and achieved the best possible outcome at that. They had the island to themselves, ready to live, forgive and forget, to form friendships anew, ready for their happy ever after.

But that was a naive assumption, he now knew.

 **There is no such thing as a true ending.**

The 'Monokuma Hunter' was really just a prelude. He felt for Makoto, he really did - having to experience a killing game for the second time was a nightmare he wouldn't wish on his worst enemy. Okay, that wasn't true, he would definitely wish it on Junko. Except she would have most likely enjoyed that..

Having to intervene right after everyone had barely any time to settle in did feel cruel, but they didn't really have a choice. It was almost surreal to him how weirdly easy rescuing Future Foundation seemed to him. Perhaps it was that his nature as Kamukura still lingered, perhaps it was just that he had exceeded his quota for any form of shock for years to come.  
They got Ryouta out of it, too, he supposed. He really wasn't a bad guy, and Imposter seemed happy to have him around again.

But that event made Hajime decide to drop his assumptions entirely. He had already realized that as long as people stay alive and continue to persist, their stories could drag on. There would always be something to do for the Ultimate Hope Hajime Hinata.

Everyone who woke up was wrecked in one way or another, even if it didn't seem like it at first. The trauma of experiencing your own death was one thing, but the returning memories of the hundreds of other deaths you have caused - that was an entirely different matter.

But they were back to their real selves, just more confused, guilty, and with more nightmares. They were still his friends, the same ones he had met in the simulation, the same ones he had spent time getting to know. It didn't take much observation to notice that.  
And they were all trying so hard. Even when they didn't show it, they were all clearly so grateful for their second chance, even if some of them felt like they didn't deserve one. But they still tried, every day, to help themselves and each other. Hajime wanted to help as well. 

And so, casting aside his dreams of a simple happily ever after, he got to work once more. He felt conflicted at first about his various talents, but they were useful here, at least. Especially the various medical-related ones, as unfortunate as that was. There weren't exactly many practicing doctors in the post-apocalyptic island world they found themselves in. 

His friends did feel a little bit uneasy about that whole Izuru thing at first. But they quickly realized the difference between the Hajime they knew and the various Ultimates that made up his current state. It was almost like any time you make use of your talents, you become a different person, they had told him. Some even joked about Kamukura sitting somewhere in the back of his head, whispering directions like a little shoulder devil.  
Hajime just shook his head at that, while it was an amusing prospect, it wasn't true at all. He was simply disconnected from his abilities to the point where he could perform them for hours without paying much attention. This is what being Izuru Kamukura felt like. A life on autopilot, a perfect existence that needed nothing, but was capable of anything. He was essentially a robot dressed in human flesh, able to perform any task given to him, but lacking motivation of his own. Whatever little thing could make this dull world of his more colorful, whether it was hope or despair, he latched onto it.  
Because on his own, Izuru Kamukura was everything and nothing at all.

Now, he was Hinata Hajime again, somewhat. Fittingly with his new appearance, he also felt somewhere in the middle. Both the awkward reserve course student Hajime and the perfect Ultimate Hope Izuru were the past, and he, right now, was the present. It was strange at first, but then again, everyone changed, didn't they? His change just happened to be a bit more visible.

Even if using his talents sometimes brought mild distress, it was worth it to help his friends. They were getting better, slowly, but surely. One by one, they had all made peace with things in their own ways, finding new ways of coping with the world around them. Some of them were strange, sure, but he didn't judge them.

Little by little, his friends regained the light in their eyes, ready to face the world on their second chance.

_All of them, except for one._

There was a boy with white hair and dull green eyes, who, as usual, escaped the norm.

Hajime knew this was going to be difficult. It was obvious from the moment he saw the count of performed psychodives go up and up, with no results to speak of. For a short while, he even considered the possibility that Komaeda may _never wake up._ It was a horrible thought, but he had to take it into account. If he really didn't, what were they to do? Leave him, sleeping in that peaceful world until his body withered away?

Maybe Komaeda would have preferred that, Hajime thought. It wasn't that outlandish of an idea. Despite their rocky, to say the least, relationship in the simulation, Hajime had come to feel like he understood him a bit better than the others did. The fact that they knew each other beforehand may have had something to do with it, even if most of his memories of Servant were a bit hazy.  
But one thing was always true about Komaeda, whatever time it was he remembered him from.

It was that Komaeda didn't feel like he deserved anything.

He probably didn't even feel like he deserved to live, which explained the issues they had waking him up. But despite knowing this, Hajime couldn't just give up. He didn't know whether it was stubbornness, the desire to fulfill his own wish of having all his friends be together again, or something else. But he knew he wouldn't give up.

It was a good thing he didn't, because for all of his doubts, when he saw Komaeda there, in the Neo World program, the tower collapsed beneath them, he realized something.

Komaeda didn't want to die.

Despite everything, he was there, he came back, and whether it was for hope, becoming the stepping stone, or whatever else complicated excuse he had thought up for himself - he was still there when the simulation fell apart. That meant that somewhere deep down, even if he would never admit it, Komaeda wanted to live. Despite all his talk about what he didn't deserve, it didn't mean he didn't want it. The smile he gave Hajime as he pulled him out of the pod that day - it said enough.

It was enough for Hajime. As long as he knew that Komaeda wanted to live, he was going to do everything in his power to make that life a good one. 

He just didn't quite know how to do that yet. 

Komaeda was actually surprisingly fine when he woke up. He smiled and talked with everyone just like he had that first day on the beach back then, it was almost eerie how...regular he seemed. For someone who experienced possibly the most gruesome death of them all, he didn't seem fazed by it. 

It was only later that Hajime realized why that was.

Komaeda was, as horrifying as that sounded, just used to tragedy. He was used to awful things happening just as he was used to his extreme luck. To him, it was all just part of the cycle, as inevitable as the sun that comes after the rain. Natural.  
To Komaeda, pain and suffering were just natural.

Hajime was determined to break him out of that cycle, but he really wasn't sure how. Komaeda refused all his invites to their various parties, as polite as ever, but clearly unwilling to change his mind.  
_I don't need anything like that, Hinata-kun_ , he had said. _I am completely fine, Hinata-kun._

_You shouldn't concern yourself with someone as worthless as me, Hinata-kun._

Hajime's head hurt whenever he thought about the white-haired boy. He truly had no clue. They proposed a lot of things - Nekomaru's massages, yoga with Mahiru and Hiyoko, even spending some time with Gundham's animals at the ranch. All activities everyone else liked to participate in whenever the nightmares came back or their mood got sour. But Komaeda had no interest in any of it. 

Despite his cheerful exterior, he visibly avoided the others. Not extremely, he would come up and chat occasionally, and wouldn't run away if approached - but months passed, and he still hasn't eaten breakfast with them once. 

And the thing was, Hajime's patience was really wearing thin at that point.

He didn't know why. It was obvious Komaeda would be difficult, he expected this. But it still made him irrationally angry and dejected any time Komaeda made up some excuse to avoid everyone and stay in his cottage. Truth was, Hajime was probably tired. That was what Mahiru had said, anyway. That he was wearing himself thin, pushing himself too hard for all their sakes.

_You may be the Ultimate Psychologist, and the Ultimate Surgeon, and the Ultimate whatever else, but if you are out here helping us, who is supposed to help you?_

Even if he refused to admit it outright, he knew she was right. He had been constantly tired, not sleeping well, the nightmares affecting him just as they had everyone else. Despite understanding this, it's not like he could just leave them all alone. Even if they were doing great nowadays, he still felt he had to be there for them, always ready, always watching, making sure everyone was alright. 

Maybe Mahiru had been right calling him a mom. Coming from her, it certainly made Hajime a bit embarrassed.

And Komaeda, despite all his attempts, could not escape him either. If he couldn't convince him to do anything else, he could at least talk to him. They were just small chats, really, never about anything particularly important, but Hajime could tell that Komaeda enjoyed them. Even when he went on his rants about hope and whatnot, Hajime found he didn't mind as much as before. Somewhere along the line, the way Hajime viewed Komaeda just changed. Despite everything, Komaeda's presence was now...calming. He found it strange, but he couldn't deny it. Perhaps it was precisely the other's eccentric nature that made him feel at ease. 

The others, while ready to forgive and forget, were still somewhat awkward around Komaeda. Not like he made any effort to make it easier for them. In fact, Hajime was pretty sure he wanted to make them stay away from him. He was, just as before, determined to be standing on the sidelines, ready to cheer them on, but never dare stand on their level. 

Hajime felt guilty that spending some time with him was all he could really do for Komaeda. It was helping a little, but it wasn't enough. He wanted him to get along with others, but more than that, he wanted to see him relax. To see him be comfortable, out of his own head for at least a moment. He had no clue how to make that happen, though.

But he was determined, and that would have to be enough.


	2. Kazuichi's secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hajime worries about Komaeda, but finds out the truth is a lot stranger than his assumptions.

Hajime had no clue why they chose the hottest day of the new year so far to clean the pool. And he was the one that proposed it, too. The inner workings of his own mind truly boggled him sometimes.

Wiping the sweat from his forehead, he dreamed of iced tea and being somewhere that didn't smell like dried algae.

"Are you serious? We can't have a ramp?" Akane was attempting to pout, but it didn't really work with her face well, "Kazuichi said he'd have no issues building one-"

"Absolutely not" Hajime's voice was stern, "I've had enough of you injuring yourself daily, I don't need any more potentially dangerous spaces on this island" 

He couldn't count the times Mikan has patched up Akane in just last month alone. The injuries were never very bad, but they were injuries nonetheless. If anything, it was just unnecessary stress for the poor Ultimate Nurse.

"Sorry about that horse incident, by the way" Nekomaru chimed in, carrying an unusually large mop on his shoulder, "I tried to stop her, I really did, but she slid past me. I only went to the bathroom for what, thirty minutes? It was an hour at best. She really is quick" he side eyed Akane, who looked anything but sorry.

'The horse incident' was the codename for that time some of Gundham's horses escaped from the ranch due to a broken fence. Akane, itching for a challenge, decided she suddenly wanted to try being a cowboy and gather all the horses back herself. Except she has never ridden a horse before then, so her attempts ended badly. Very badly. 

"It's fine" Hajime waved at him dismissively, "It was Gundham's fault as well. I asked Kazuichi to fix the fencing, so it should be okay now"

"It would be weird if it wasn't" Hiyoko was sitting in the shade of an umbrella nearby, eating a popsicle, "That stinky robophile did like, four layers of fencing, complete with motion sensors and alarms. It looks like a high-security prison or something!" she cackled.

Mahiru, sitting behind her brushing her hair, rolled her eyes but smiled.

"Wait, what did you just call me?" Kazuichi emerged from the pool floor where he was fixing the drains, "And I do not stink! I shower! Every single day!" 

"You smell like oil and grease" Hiyoko stuck out her tongue at him, blue from the popsicle, "No amount of bathing can ever get that smell out of you, trust me"

Kazuichi looked he wanted to argue, but ended up sniffing himself instead. Hajime smiled slightly.

"Are you all done here?" Imposter appeared from inside the hotel, "Dinner is ready. Teruteru will start complaining if the food gets cold"

"Yeah, yeah, Ibuki has thought of a completely new song! You all have to hear it, like, as quickly as possible!" Mioda peeked out from behind the Imposter, grinning widely.

"We're done" Hajime nodded, putting away the cleaning supplies, "We'll have to take this stuff back to the warehouse later, but for now, let's go eat"

"You don't have to tell me twice!" Akane sprinted with superhuman speed towards the restaurant, Nekomaru following behind.

"I'll go get Ryouta and meet you there" Imposter stated, and left without waiting for a reply.

Mitarai, while getting better, was still sometimes apprehensive about leaving his cottage. Especially when he was busy marathoning another anime. They had found quite a lot of old cassette tapes and CD's in the electronics alley at one point, and some of them turned out to be classic series. Mitarai was still rewatching the entirety of Sailor Moon, ranting about it whenever he had a chance. Even if Hajime didn't get it that much, it was great to see him enjoying his hobby again.

"Go wash your hands before you eat, you greasy butt" Hiyoko made a disgusted face at Kazuichi.

"I was planning on that! Why wouldn't I?!" 

Hajime smiled, looking at the cleaned-up pool. They had done a good job. Now it was just the matter of filling it up and chlorinating it again...

"Hajime?" his thought process had been interrupted by Mahiru.

She approached him, Hiyoko having gone on ahead, teasing Kazuichi. 

"Can I ask you something?" 

"What is it?" Hajime looked at her, putting his shirt back on.

"It's just..." she appeared uneasy, "Have you seen Komaeda? Like, recently?"

Hajime lifted his eyebrows at the question.

"I mean" Mahiru waved her hand, "I know that he's usually, uh, not around much anyway but..." she looked concerned, "I feel like I haven't seen him at all in almost three days now. I usually run into him at the store, at least, or the beach. Teruteru told me he hadn't been coming over to get his meals either. I'm just...worried, I guess"

She looked apologetic, as if worrying about Komaeda was a silly thing to do.

"I haven't" Hajime replied, and he realized he was telling the truth. He really hadn't seen him at all. He had assumed he might have just not noticed him, as they had been very busy recently, spring cleaning and all. But if Mahiru hadn't seen him either, something must have been up. She was very perceptive.

"I'll go check his cottage after dinner" he finally decided, "Just to be safe"

The thought of Komaeda missing made something twist up in his gut. It wasn't unusual for him to avoid everyone, and yet. Hajime was worried. It's not that he didn't trust him, exactly, but, well. Komaeda was Komaeda. No one could deny not knowing where he was could be distressing. For many reasons.

"Thank you" Mahiru was visibly relieved, "Oh, if you do find him, actually" she lifted up her camera, "Please tell him I still haven't gotten any pictures for the album. I need at least one of everybody, and that includes him"

Hajime nodded, and they both headed off to the restaurant.

They did end up being a bit late, which earned them a scolding from Teruteru. The food wasn't actually cold, but according to the Ultimate Cook, anything else than perfectly fresh isn't good enough. Hajime thought that it didn't taste all that different than usual, but decided to keep that thought to himself.

As soon as everyone had finished eating, Ibuki immediately started dragging them to the music club, eager to show off that new song. Hajime declined politely, his anxiety about Komaeda's whereabouts having only grown during the meal. His being busy wasn't that unusual, so no one paid it any mind.

What was unusual, was Kazuichi declining as well.

"I'm gonna stay behind and do the dishes" he smiled awkwardly, Ibuki's stare boring into him, "Uh, you know, so we can have less work tomorrow?" 

He didn't sound convincing at all, probably because a universe where Soda would purposefully decide to do the dishes was a distant and unimaginable one. But Ibuki just shrugged and left with the others. The audience was big enough for her.

Hajime, however, wasn't persuaded so easily. He was suspicious, really suspicious. Mostly because he was good at reading people (Ultimate, even) but Kazuichi was also just really obvious. Whenever he was hiding something, you could almost see him screaming inside. Hajime knew Kazuichi well enough to realize that there was no point in asking. All it would probably earn him would be watching the other sweat profusely and make up more excuses. He wasn't gonna threaten him after all. He didn't have to.

Hajime pretended to leave, only to turn back at the door and slowly walk back inside. The Ultimate Spy was not a talent he remembered using before, but it felt as easy as everything else. He didn't even have to pay much attention, his footsteps perfectly silent, as he peeked into the kitchen.

He did have a thought that this was a bit creepy, but he was too curious to care. 

Kazuichi was, quite predictably, not doing the dishes. Instead, he seemed to be heating up some leftovers. Hajime got disappointed for a moment, thinking it was just the other boy being weird and not wanting to admit he was planning on snacking. But he quickly realized this was way too much food a simple after-dinner snack.  
His suspicions were confirmed when a few minutes later, the mechanic started putting the food onto a tray, and then covered it with a cloth. Visibly very nervous, he carefully took the tray and left the kitchen, constantly checking his surroundings.

Extremely suspicious, Hajime decided, staring at him from above, glued to the ceiling. 

Kazuichi left the restaurant, Hajime hot on his trail. The early spring night was silent, save for some clearly still sleepy crickets. Hajime glided elegantly a few meters behind Kazuichi, hiding anytime the other looked behind himself. And he looked a lot, clearly on edge.  
Finally, after a bit of walking, they reached their apparent destination - the cottages. Hajime expected Kazuichi to head into his own, but he didn't. He headed further instead, finally stopping in front of another cottage. Hajime checked the mailbox.

It was _Komaeda's._

He felt a slight thump in his chest, all his senses suddenly alert. Did...did Kazuichi have something to do with Komaeda's disappearance? Faint memories from the simulation resurfaced. No, surely not, right? Kazuichi wasn't all that fond of Komaeda, that was true, but he wouldn't go out of his way to do... **that** again, would he?

Hajime didn't have time to ponder on it, as Kazuichi pulled out a key and swiftly opened the cottage door. He looked around anxiously once more and then disappeared inside.

Hajime furrowed his brows. What in the hell? How could Kazuichi get inside Komaeda's cottage? They all had their own keys, and all the locks worked properly. To be fair, Souda could probably make himself a spare if he really wanted to...but why?

The stars glimmered above him as he sat in the nearby bushes, waiting. He didn't really wait long - Kazuichi emerged back from the cottage just a few minutes later, still carrying a tray in his hands. Hajime immediately noticed that it was a different one, clearly empty. The mechanic locked the door after himself and nearly sprinted away. 

As soon as Kazuichi was out of his field of vision, Hajime approached the cottage. He yanked on the handle, just for good measure, but as suspected, it didn't give. Letting out a sigh, Hajime searched around in his pants pockets. Multitool, dirt, an old shopping list, some torn up piece of paper from Souda's report on the water desalination plant...oh, there it is.

Triumphantly, Hajime pulled out a long hairpin. It was most likely Hiyoko's, though he wasn't sure. He had kind of gotten into a habit of picking up anything he found, most likely due to the scavenging nature of their island life. He was so used to making sure nothing went to waste, he was starting to become somewhat of a hoarder. It was reasonable in a post-apocalyptic world, he supposed.

He really only needed to maneuver the hairpin for a few seconds before the lock clicked. He was still perplexed as to why the Ultimate Thief was a talent Hope's Peak recognized, much less why they would decide to make it part of Kamukura's arsenal. Then again, what could you expect of a school that recognizes 'The Ultimate Yakuza' as a talent?

Placing his hand on the door handle, Hajime took a deep breath. He didn't know why he was getting nervous now of all times. It's not like there would be a corpse waiting for him there, even Souda wasn't dumb enough to be bringing food to dead people. So why did he have this feeling in his gut like he was about to walk into something he wouldn't be able to comprehend?

Well, of course he was about to do just that. This was Komaeda. But, even knowing that, he was still not prepared for what he saw when he walked through the door.

In the middle of the room, stood a very large steel cage. The bars were fairly close together and seemed very sturdy. The cage door had several various locks on it, one more complicated than the other. It would make one question what kind of an animal would need a cage like this, but that was a rhetorical question. The animal was there after all.

Nagito Komaeda, in all his glory, was sitting inside the cage on what seemed to be an inflatable pool mattress. His hair seemed just slightly more wild than usual, and he wasn't wearing his signature coat, Hajime immediately noted. Instead, he was wrapped in several blankets. Placed before him was the tray of food Souda was carrying earlier. He had a bowl of soup in his hand, the other holding a piece of fish with a chopstick. There were a bit of noodles sticking out of his mouth, visibly forgotten, as he stared at Hajime with wide eyes.

Hajime's mind ground to a halt.

What.

What the fuck.

_What the actual fuck, Komaeda._

Komaeda seemed to be the first to finally get out of his stupor, slowly slurping the noodles back into his mouth.

"Um..." Hajime started, but his brain was clearly not ready to form sentences yet.

"Ah" Komaeda put away his food, signature smile back on his face, "Hinata-kun! How nice of you to stop by. Did you need something?"

...

Did he need something?

NEED SOMETHING?

Nagito fucking Komaeda was sitting in a giant cage in the middle of his own cottage eating soup like it was a regular thing to do and he was asking Hajime if he needed something?!

The ridiculous comment was enough to wake his brain back up. Hajime pinched the bridge of his nose and inhaled deeply. It had only been a minute since he entered the cottage, he couldn't let himself be swept up in Komaeda's bullshit that easily.

"No" he finally spoke, "No, I don't think I do" he was still eyeing the cage, trying to take in the details.

"Is that so?" Komaeda looked surprised, "Then, if I may ask, why are you here, Hinata-kun?"

Why was he here? The answer was starting to become less clear to him.

"Because I was looking for you" he decided on a half-truth. 

He didn't have to mention stalking Souda. It was probably better that he didn't mention it, actually.

"Really?" Komaeda looked even more surprised, "But if you don't need anything, why would you be looking for me?" he cocked his head to the side slightly, untamed hair bouncing.

Hajime inhaled deeply again, staying silent for a moment. He already knew how to talk with Komaeda, usually, although this situation was throwing him off a bit. Still, he could tell pretty easily when Komaeda was lying, feigning innocence, or just doing mind games for no reason. 

"Knock it off" He sighed, approaching closer and crouching in front of the cage, so they were at eye level, "You know exactly why I was looking for you"

"Ah, sorry, I'm afraid I have no idea, Hinata-kun" the look of confusion on Komaeda's face was very authentic, "Did something bad happen? Are you looking for a culprit? While I would love to be able to help, I'm afraid I'm most likely not responsible this time. See, I haven't left this cottage for at least-"

"Three days" Hajime cut him off, "And that's why I'm here. I was looking for you, because no one had seen you for three days. There, I spelled it out for you. Happy?" he cringed a little at how harsh his voice came out. Maybe he really was tired.

Komaeda was silent for a moment, avoiding Hajime's gaze. He was shuffling his chopsticks in his hands.

Now being closer, Hajime could notice various things scattered around the cage. There were at least a few cookie wrappers neatly put into a small pile in the corner. A Rubik's cube was peeking out from under the mattress, and more blankets and pillows were thrown around. There was a worn book placed in the corner, most likely from the library.  
Did Komaeda actually...live in the cage or something?

"Nevermind that" Hajime spoke up to break the silence, "I'm not angry or anything. Even if I was, seeing this, whatever this is, I have been rid of all emotions except for confusion. Komaeda, can you please tell me what is up with the...cage"

He decided to spell it out just to make sure Komaeda wouldn't keep dodging the question, even if acknowledging the steel contraption made his head hurt. But he needed to get some answers. His curiosity was the only force stronger than his tiredness. A side effect of having to investigate murders to survive, he supposed.

Komaeda was silent again for a moment, clearly weighing his options. Hajime almost wanted to laugh. What did he expect, that no one would know about this? That he could just stay inside his cottage, in this cage, and no one would come looking for him?  
Actually, knowing Komaeda, he very well might have. Now that was just sad.

"It's a cage..." Komaeda started finally, visibly unsure of himself.

"Yes, I know that" Hajime counted silently in his head, "Okay, let's do it like this. Where did the cage come from, Komaeda?" he decided to employ the class trial strategy of spelling out the obvious questions.

"Soda-kun built it for me" Komaeda clearly lit up, glad to have clearer directions, "He scavenged all the materials himself and everything. The Ultimate Mechanic really is amazing, isn't he? Such talent is truly wasted on fulfilling the request of trash such as myself, of course-"

"Right" Hajime didn't even blink as he cut in, "So, how did you get him to do this? I can't imagine he'd be too thrilled"

"Oh, he was not" Komaeda confirmed, "I threatened him a little"

"What did you say?"

"That I'd set his cottage on fire" 

"Of course" Hajime rolled his eyes. 

Kazuichi wasn't exactly dumb, but he was easily scared. Especially of Komaeda. 

"Arson, a true and tried blackmail" Hajime murmured under his breath, "So, he built the cage for you. Is it safe to assume that is also the reason why he's been bringing you food?"

"Perceptive as always, Hinata-kun," Komaeda's sarcasm-but-maybe-not-really crept in, "Well, actually, I didn't blackmail him into that one. After he built the cage, he kept coming back constantly to check on me, and started complaining I wasn't eating enough. I had some food stocked up, but he insisted it was too little. He started bringing me meals once a day afterward" Komaeda shrugged.

If the cookie wrappers were anything to go by, the 'stocked up food' was definitely too little.

"Was probably worried if you died from starvation he'd be put on trial" Hajime wasn't really joking.

"We haven't had a trial in quite a while, that would be interesting to see, indeed" Komaeda had a faraway look in his eyes.

"If you died, you wouldn't have seen shit, Komaeda" Hajime once again almost laughed.

The key to having a conversation with Komaeda was knowing what to take seriously, and what not to. Brushing off the nonsense became easy when you knew what to look for. And surprisingly enough, Komaeda rarely got angry about it. 

"I suppose that's true" the white-haired boy nodded, taking a sip of tea from his tray.

"Alright, I guess Kazuichi explains this-" Hajime gestured vaguely to the cage, "But my real question is, why? Why did you decide to lock yourself in a cage?" he couldn't quite contain the genuine curiosity in his voice.

"The great detective can't figure it out?" Komaeda narrowed his eyes, "I have to say I'm a little disappointed" he scoffed a little, the effect dampened by the fact he was in the middle of finishing his noodles.

Hajime performed what was possibly the greatest eyeroll in the history of eyerolls.

"Alright, I'll humor you. Let me think about it" he considered the cage, and Komaeda himself, "You either feel you are in danger and are trying to protect yourself from it" he shook his head, already knowing that wasn't it, "Or...you feel that you are potentially dangerous, and have decided to lock yourself up in order to protect everyone else" he already knew he hit the nail on the head before he even saw Komaeda's reaction.

"Okay, Hinata-kun, I retract my previous statement. I was worried you were getting rusty, but I can see your skills are as sharp as ever. That is truly hopeful, to know someone like you is always around" he looked weirdly serious when he said that.

"Okay, so" Hajime sat down on the floor, realizing this was probably going to be a longer conversation, "Why do you suddenly feel like you are dangerous?"

"I don't feel like I am, Hinata-kun, I know I am," Komaeda corrected him swiftly, "I thought that had already been established? Do I need to blow something up again, lest everyone forgets?" it sounded like a joke, but then it also didn't.

"Please don't" Hajime tried to be serious, but couldn't stop his lips from curling up slightly. Komaeda was just ridiculous. Plus, being the most talented person to ever live, it was kind of hard to genuinely feel scared sometimes, "And we talked about this already. We are all dangerous, Komaeda. We were all brainwashed, we all did horrible things, we all suffered, we all got better. Well, sort of. Why would you suddenly start worrying about something like that?

"That's.." Komaeda put his empty bowl away, and visibly curled in on himself.

"Please tell me" Hajime inquired, trying to make his voice a little softer.

"O-okay, if that's what Hinata-kun wants-" Komaeda tensed, his previous snappiness completely gone, "I...had a nightmare, I suppose"

"A nightmare?" 

"Something like that" Komaeda shrugged, "It was bizarre if I'm honest. I saw some of the...executions again, but this time, uh, it for some reason felt like I was the one causing them? I'm not sure. Something was on fire, maybe it was me? And I-I-" his voice got quieter as he looked away, "I had the hand again. It itched horribly, you know? Sometimes, when I was trying to fall asleep"

Hajime didn't know, even though he was the one to remove the hand. It made sense - the hand was crudely attached with stitches, likely to fall off if not for the bandage wrappings. No wonder it was uncomfortable. He still remembered the horrible smell when he unwrapped it.

"It itched and then it hurt and I, um" Komaeda stuttered, "I...cut it off"

"In the dream?" Hajime forced his voice to remain calm.

"Yes, but for some reason, " Komaeda brought his knees up to his chin, "Even though I could never feel that hand, in the dream, it hurt. A lot. But I kept- because-" 

"It's fine" Hajime silenced him, "I get it"

He took a deep breath. This wasn't anything new, everyone had nightmares, especially at first. Komaeda had never before complained about them, so Hajime did consider that maybe he was spared - but clearly, that had just been proven wrong. And it sounded like a particularly nasty one, too. The hand...

"It's a very bad omen" Komaeda's was speaking a little too fast now, "I-It's got to be. I knew it, I knew it was going to happen at some point, everything's been going too well. Hinata-kun, if I get out of here I...my luck...someone will get hurt. I need to stay here, I need to-"

Suddenly, a thought struck Hajime.

"Komaeda" his voice was stern as he spoke again, "Show me your hand"

"My hand?" Komaeda looked up at him questioningly, but reached out to him with his healthy hand, sticking it between the cage bars.

"Not this one"

"Ah" Komaeda retracted his hand, but made no move to provide the other one, "Did you want to do maintenance? I can assure you it's not necessary yet, it has been working perfectly fine-"

"Komaeda" Hajime's raised his voice a little, "Show me your hand. Now" 

Komaeda's eyes widened a little, and, surprisingly enough, he clamped his mouth shut. He was visibly apprehensive for a moment, but finally dragged his other hand out of the blanket and shoved it between the bars.

Hajime almost bit his tongue trying not to gasp.

The skin where Komaeda's robotic arm connected with his biological one was absolutely destroyed. It was covered in scratches and bites, the skin red and irritated, dried blood present in several places. Clearly, there had been no attempt at cleaning it - small hairs, most likely from the blanket, were stuck to the dry, pink patches.

Hajime wanted to start freaking out, he really did, but something (The Ultimate Paramedic?) compelled him to calm himself. He couldn't start screaming at Komaeda, not only would it not help, it could actually make this situation worse. 

"Stay here" he decided to just throw that at the other and headed to the bathroom quickly.

He checked under the sink, and thankfully, it was still there. Mikan had made sure that each cottage had a fully stocked first-aid kit just in case. Hajime worried Komaeda might have thrown out his, but that wasn't the case. He grabbed it and stormed out of the bathroom.

"Hinata-kun?" Komaeda looked a little stunned, his hand still hanging outside of the cage, "What are you-" he noticed the first-aid kit and quickly retracted his hand.

"Komaeda" Hajime sighed as he lowered himself in front of the cage, "Give me the hand"

"This isn't necessary, Hinata-kun" Komaeda was covering his robotic hand with the other one, as if trying to hide the injuries, "I'm completely fine. It's getting late, isn't it? You are probably tired, you shouldn't waste your time on something like this. I would feel horrible if I was keeping you from your well-deserved rest..."

'Just shut up, Komaeda' was really close to coming out, but Hajime suppressed it.

"If you don't want to keep me from resting, give me your hand" he said instead, "I won't back down, so either you let me clean that up, or I'm gonna be sitting here all night"

As usual, a concrete and practical approach seemed to work well on Komaeda. He stopped talking and slowly pulled his hand out again. Hajime could swear he had a strange look in his eyes, but he didn't pay it much attention. The hand before him was more important.

"I get that Kazuichi's been bringing you food" Hajime started talking again as he pulled out some disinfectant and a cloth, "But what about, like, bathing and stuff? If you're not leaving the cage, then how do you. Um. You know" he gestured vaguely to the bathroom door.

"Well, I-" the question, as planned, seemed to distract Komaeda, "It's not that I don't ever leave. I have the keys" as proof, he dangled a pair of large keys that he pulled out from under the mattress with his other hand, "In case of an emergency. Not that I think it's justifiable for me to leave just because the cottage gets set on fire or something, but. You mentioned that the thought of any of us dying made you very sad, Hinata-kun. So I suppose I have an obligation to save myself from potential danger, at least the lethal kind, as much as possible. And, yes, I also need to go to the bathroom sometimes. I try not to leave often, though" 

Thoughts swirled in Hajime's head. Very sad? That was an understatement of the century, but for Komaeda, it was impressive he was acknowledging Hajime's feelings at all. It made him feel like maybe, despite everything, they were making some progress. He was actually a little ashamed of how relieved hearing Komaeda talk about protecting his own life made him feel. Did he really believe in Komaeda this little?  
Well, to be fair, the other boy didn't make it easy.

But hearing about the keys popped a question into his head, he realized, as he was methodically cleaning the wounds. If Komaeda could leave the cage any time he wanted, what actual purpose did it serve? If he was actually afraid of hurting someone, then why didn't he give the keys to someone else?  
Actually, now that he considered this situation with a clearer head, he wondered - why was the cage necessary at all? Couldn't Komaeda have just locked himself in his cottage? Why threaten Kazuichi and do this entire elaborate shtick?  
He considered that maybe this was another one of Komaeda's games. Maybe he was hoping someone, most likely Hajime, would find him and be perplexed by it. But that didn't exactly sound right. 

"Well, I suppose it's good you're thinking about it, at least" Hajime spoke again, "That doesn't mean I approve of this, but, well, it could be worse. It makes me...glad to see you take your own safety into consideration" he looked away at that last part, suddenly a bit embarrassed. 

Admitting his feelings wasn't his strong suit, but he knew praise did wonders for Komaeda's mood, even if he acted as if it was the opposite.

"Of course" Komaeda wasn't looking at him either, "I don't want to do anything to make Hinata-kun sad. You are doing your best for everyone, it's such an incredibly hopeful sight, to see someone so hard working and kind in their element. I am truly honored to witness it, you know. I would never dare to destroy such beautiful hope!"

"...thank you, I guess?" Hajime was sure his face was at least a bit red now.

Dammit, he knew it was technically just Komaeda rambling about hope again but, for some reason, hearing a compliment from him made Hajime feel flustered. It wasn't like everyone else didn't thank him more than enough. But with Komaeda, it felt special, perhaps because the other already spoke so rarely nowadays. And then, it really seemed like Komaeda was trying to take Hajime's feelings into consideration. The Komaeda he knew in the simulation wouldn't think twice about making someone sad if it meant a possibility of 'becoming the stepping stone' or whatever.  
It was progress, Hajime hoped. 

Speaking of progress-

"And your medication?" Hajime decided to breach the topic while he wrapped the now clean wounds in a bandage.

"I'm taking it" Hajime felt relieved when Komaeda answered, "Of course, since I don't want anyone to have to worry about me. If I neglect it, Mikan will just have more work" he bit his lower lip a little.

Once again, it seemed like a lesson had actually been successfully drilled into Komaeda's skull for once. He had been scolded thoroughly after he previously avoided the meds, and it seemed his desire to please Hajime was stronger than his disbelief in the possibility of recovery.  
The fact he remembered to take the medication possibly proved it was actually working. It was an experimental blend, Hajime feeling somewhat out of his depth, as he didn't actually have the Ultimate Pharmacist.

He did have the Ultimate Surgeon, the Ultimate Biochemist, Ultimate Anesthesiologist...and Mikan at his side. He really hoped it was enough.

Well, the medication was mostly just for keeping Komaeda's symptoms at bay, anyway. The real, most important part was the Ultimate Oncologist's job. Thankfully, from what Hajime could tell, this one was particularly important to the researchers as well. They seemed to have taken special care of it. It made him a bit conflicted. Because of Komaeda's health problems, he was actually glad to have this talent, but as usual, he also didn't feel right being grateful towards the horrible people who made him this way. This whole thing was a complicated mess.

In the end, he was just glad to know his work was paying off. In the past months, the check-ups (which he also dragged Komaeda into) have been showing positive results. Perhaps this was why he hadn't been paying proper attention to Komaeda's mental state. He let himself be fooled by the scans and blood tests, and didn't think to look at the other more closely. 

He shook his head. He couldn't think like that. He had a habit of always thinking he could prevent anything bad from happening if he only tried. He might have been talented, but he wasn't a god. Some things were out of his control, as hard as it was to accept. He just had to focus on the ones he could control.

"Okay" he nodded as he finished wrapping up Komaeda's hand, "Should be good now. Please don't take the bandages off. I'll change them when I come by later"

"Come by?" Komaeda's eyes widened again, "Hinata-kun, you shouldn't have to-"

"I will" his voice didn't allow complaints, "I will also be the one bringing you food now. I need to make sure it's nutritionally balanced. And I will supervise when you shower. Do evenings sound okay to you?"

He knew it was a bit unnecessary, but now he didn't feel comfortable leaving Komaeda on his own devices anymore. He had thought the other needed space, but seeing his hand like that threw it all out the window. He was now in full caretaker mode, ready to watch Komaeda like a hawk if he had to. 

"When I-I...shower?" Komaeda's face heated up all of a sudden.

"O-outside!" Hajime immediately realized his mistake, "Outside of the bathroom! S-so I can make sure you don't pass out again" he pinched his nose in frustration at his own embarrassment. 

Komaeda hasn't passed out in a while, true, but now he was worried. If Komaeda's mental state was wavering, then it could affect his physical state, too.

"It's for my peace of mind" he started again, before Komaeda could interject, "Of course, I think this entire thing" he gestured at the cage, "Is absolutely ridiculous, but. You are a free man. If you want to sit inside a cage, there isn't anything I can do, or should do to stop you. However, as I am technically your doctor, I will be making sure you are taking care of yourself properly. Starting with more food..." he eyed the now empty tray, "So, if you could bear with me, please, I will make sure to be as unobtrusive as possible" 

He was lying through his teeth, having absolutely no intention of being 'unobtrusive'. He had gotten pretty good at lying recently, though. He even gave it his best Ultimate Customer Service Representative smile. 

"T-that's" Komaeda looked extremely confused, "What are you saying, Hinata-kun" he looked away again, clutching his blanket awkwardly.

Bullseye.

"I'll take that as a yes" He even had the brilliant idea to give his voice a bit more of an enthusiastic note, "I'm very glad, Komaeda"

The Ultimate Actor wanted blood, he supposed.

"Ah, r-right..." Komaeda looked completely defeated, his brain clearly trying and failing to process Hajime's behavior.

He would almost feel bad, but considering the mind games Komaeda used to play with him in the simulation, he couldn't help but giggle internally. Revenge was truly sweet.

"Alright, I think I'll be going now" he got up, not bothering to ask if Komaeda needed anything else, since there was no way he would actually tell him if he did.

"Ah-" Komaeda looked like he wanted to say something, but found himself short.

"I will bring breakfast tomorrow. Make sure you get plenty of sleep" he wasn't sure if that was actually possible on whatever that pool mattress was. He made a note to himself mentally to bring something better for Komaeda. His body was still fairly frail, and he needed all the rest he could get.

Collecting up the first aid kid, he turned away from the cage, ready to put it away in the bathroom and leave. Before he could take one step, however, something stopped him.

"Hinata-kun..." he turned around, only to see Komaeda had stuck his hand out of the cage again and was now tugging at his pants.

The white-haired boy was looking at him from between the bars, the expression clearly still deeply confused. It looked as if he himself wasn't sure what he was doing.

Hajime felt something in his head stir all of a sudden. Seeing Komaeda staring at him from inside the cage made something click.

Was it for...comfort?

All of them had found something like this at some point, if he thought about it. He knew it was natural, for a human being to seek objects or routines that could calm them. He himself had actions like that, for example, drinking a full glass of water every morning. It seemed insignificant, but having something like that, something one could repeat and count on regardless of everything else - it made for comfort in difficult times.  
The others had their quirks, the Ultimate Psychologist in him noticed them all the time (even when he really didn't want to). Gundham usually started rambling a lot more of his occult nonsense whenever he got nervous. Teruteru would lock himself in the kitchen and endlessly rearrange spices. Akane would challenge someone to a duel, usually ending in a bloody mess. Sonia had started writing journals at some point and could be often seen pouring over the pages in the library whenever she was worried about something. Mikan was calmed by the smell of disinfectant, Hiyoko would eat way too much candy, Mahiru always cleaned her camera lens excessively. They were all relatively simple things that helped a person ground themselves if they were feeling stressed.

For example, if they felt they were in danger. Or if they felt they _were_ the danger.

If Komaeda went through all this elaborate stuff just to lock himself in a cage, then, was it his way of coping? If he worried about causing misfortune or endangering others, locking himself up must have given him comfort, Hajime realized.  
It all added up. The blankets, the pillows, the way it almost looked like a weird nest, made to hide Komaeda from the outside world. He didn't want to be seen, he wanted to feel safe, to know there were metal bars between him and the rest of the world.

He looked at Komaeda, who still hadn't let go of his pants. It made sense, it really did. He remembered the way Komaeda spoke during his time as Servant. How calm he was, how fitting he seemed in that role. It almost felt as if that made him comfortable, being beneath others, playing from the shadows.

"Komaeda" Hajime's mouth opened almost without his knowledge, "Let go of me" he didn't know why his tone sounded so harsh all of a sudden.

The white-haired boy removed his hand as if he was burned. At the same time, however, he didn't let his eyes off Hajime. Something shined in them, some sort of a strong fascination, as if he didn't want to miss a single move Hajime made. 

As if he was waiting for a command...

Hajime sputtered suddenly, realizing his mind was heading into very strange territory. And as usual when that happened, he felt himself go there, like watching a car crash. Unable to do anything but stare in horror. Oh god, what did he just think about?

"Hina-" he didn't hear Komaeda calling him as he basically slammed the cottage door behind himself.

Running into the cold air, he made the distance between the cottages in what he was pretty sure was record time. He thanked his luck his cottage door was left unlocked. He basically ran inside, and slammed it behind himself with his entire body. Leaning on the door, he finally caught his breath.

What.

What the fuck.

What the actual fuck, Hajime Hinata.

In his mind, the idea was playing over and over, like an intrusive thought. The more he tried to will it away, the more it persisted, of course. He couldn't forget it now. He couldn't forget that he looked at Nagito fucking Komaeda sitting in a cage and felt-

Putting his face in his hands, he groaned loudly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nagito in the cage, Nagito in the cage.  
> What crimes will he commit?
> 
> Well probably none since he refuses to leave.


	3. Don't think about it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hajime tries very hard to not think about it. He fails.

Hajime awoke to the unbelievably loud sound of his Minimaru alarm clock. All of them had gotten one from Kazuichi at some point, and it felt rude to just throw them away. It was fairly cute, he had to admit. Even if it made his head feel like it was splitting open at 8 am every single day.

Groaning, he lifted the covers and jumped out of bed. He drank his single glass of water, and as soon as he was finished, his peace was over.  
It hit him almost immediately. The memory of the previous night whacked him on the head so hard he felt like he should have heard it. A million doubts, questions, and regrets swirled in his head.  
Trying to avoid the most obvious one, he focused on the lesser ones first. Why the hell was he so controlling towards Komaeda yesterday? What was up with the sudden doctor mode? Was he really turning into a mom, just like Mahiru said?

It was as if some feral Ultimate Caretaker instinct kicked in the moment he saw Komaeda's hand. He even treated him through the damn cage.  
He groaned again, covering his face with his hand. Did Komaeda always make him act this weird? Now that he thought about it, yeah, he kind of did. Komaeda had that effect on people.  
Well, actually, not exactly that effect. Most people were either scared of him, or annoyed by him. Hajime had felt both of these emotions at some point, but that had long since disappeared. What he felt now - he had no clue.

Heading to the bathroom, he hoped he could maybe avoid confronting the largest revelation. Like, maybe if he just showered, and ate breakfast, and went about his day, he would just somehow forget about it entirely.  
He knew that wasn't possible, since besides some of his own memories, his ability to remember details was just as ultimate as everything else about him. And having as much brainpower as he had meant the more he wanted to forget about something, the more he would remember.

Stripping his clothes he basically ran under the shower, turning it on. As the stream hit his face, he sighed. He couldn't avoid it.

Last night, when Komaeda let go of him and stared at him with that particular expression, he had what he would describe as the most inappropriate association in his life.

Right, _that._ Hajime had put most of his willpower that evening into attempting not to think about Komaeda and his stupid cage. But it was mostly fruitless, as it was just such an obvious implication. And he knew it was idiotic, but he couldn't help it. Komaeda was sitting in a cage, looking like a lost puppy or something. Of course Hajime would start to imagine weird things.

 _It's not something like that_ he kept repeating to himself. _Stop being gross, Hajime_ he pointlessly mused.  
No matter how he tried to convince himself, Komaeda in the cage was an image that was, for some fucking reason, just extremely suggestive to him. 

Like, sexually suggestive.

Hajime swore under his breath.

He shouldn't be thinking like that about his friend, about **Komaeda** of all people. Sure, he had an occasional embarrassing thought or two seeing some of the girls in bikinis, even if he tried to be as respectful as possible. But this was different. Komaeda wasn't doing anything suggestive, he was just sitting in his stupid cage, with his stupid bright eyes and stupid, raspy voice.

Komaeda just held out his hand, grabbing the fabric of his pants, and looked at him like Hajime knew the answers to every question of the universe.  
Did Komaeda want to ask him to stay, want to ask him to open the cage and-

Hajime turned the shower knob all the way to the cold side and screamed.

After his decidedly not pleasant morning, he was glad to see everyone gathered for breakfast. The entire restaurant was already buzzing with excited conversation, pulling his thoughts away from his troubles. Teruteru send him a glare, most definitely for being slightly late again, but Hajime just shrugged apologetically.

"Here you are!" Kazuichi positively threw himself at Hajime's side as soon as he sat down, "Okay, bro, I really need your opinion here, right? Nekomaru said-" 

Hajime wasn't really listening but kept nodding whenever Kazuichi seemed to make a particularly important point. How was he this cheery, Hajime wondered. His 'soul-bro' was never a good liar, and yet somehow, he didn't seem nervous about what occurred last night at all. Well, he was easygoing, to be fair. Unlike Hajime.

"Right" he finally spoke, pretending as if he knew exactly what the conversation was about, "And speaking of which, did you finish that blueprint for the new filtration system?" he expertly derailed the dialogue.

"Blueprint?" as predicted, Kazuichi was easily distracted by being reminded of work he obviously didn't do.

"...for the desalination plant? You know?" Hajime lifted one eyebrow, "The stuff we have right now is okay, but it won't last long. I wanted you to make plans for some new filters, so we can install them around next month"

Kazuichi stared at him with a very telling 'oh shit' expression.

"Thought so" Hajime made sure to sound just a little disappointed, "Well, whatever, I'll just do it myself"

"Absolutely not, Hajime!" Mahiru piped up, "You have enough work already as it is. If he was supposed to do it, then he will do it" her voice didn't leave any room for discussion.

"Right, right" Imposter spoke up, in between taking large bites of fried egg, "Besides, weren't you supposed to be on library duty today?"

"Yes" Sonia confirmed, "Me, Gundham, Peko and Hajime are all cataloguing today. It's only a bit left now, or so it seems - and that electronic library card system is working great, by the way, Kazuichi. Thank you very much" she smiled.

That was seemingly enough to bring Kazuichi out of his work-induced panic.

"Feel free to head over to the library, then" Hajime stood up, grabbing his empty plate, "I'm on cleaning duty today, right? I'll do the dishes and then join you"

"Of course" Sonia smiled.

He didn't even remember he had cleaning duty this morning, but it was obvious it would turn out so. His Ultimate Luck was not sleeping.

People fizzled out of the dining room slowly as he collected the plates methodically. His head was now once again filled with intrusive thoughts, even as he tried to focus on anything else. The dried stains on the restaurant table weren't proving to be very interesting, unfortunately.

"Kazuichi" remembering at the last moment, Hajime straightened and called out, "Can you stay for a moment, please?"

All the people that were still in the process of leaving the restaurant did a synchronized 'ooooooohhh'.

"You in trooooouble, Kazuichi!" Hiyoko cackled before she descended down the stairs.

"Bro, listen, it's nothing like that, I just-" Hajime started as soon as he was sure everyone has left the building.

"I'm so sorry man! I really am!" Kazuichi didn't let him finish, "I swear I was gonna do it, but then something came up, and, and, and I just, aaaaah! Please don't kill me!" he was basically bawling, grabbing his hair frantically.

"Calm down, I'm not gonna kill you" Hajime pinched the bridge of his nose, "And I don't actually care about the blueprint"

"Wait" Kazuichi finally stopped screaming, "You don't?"

"Not really"

"Ehh, then what was that for!" he grabbed the front of Hajime's shirt, yanking him, "I thought I was gonna get a heart attack, man! What the hell!" 

"Anyways," he gently pried Kazuichi off of his shirt, "What I actually wanted from you, was the key to Komaeda's cottage"

He decided to just go out with it. Kazuichi didn't seem to register his words.

"Whaaaaa-" Kazuichi covered his own mouth, sputtering, "W-w-why w-w-would you want that! And I don't have it! W-why would I have it?!" he started freaking out again.

"I'm not angry" Hajime sighed, "I know he threatened you. It's fine, dude. I just want the key"

"W-wait" Kazuichi seemed to finally catch on, "Why do you know about t-that?! Wait, did you...did you get in his cottage?!" for some reason, he now looked more shocked than terrified.

"Yes, I did" Hajime decided it was pointless to lie anymore.

"W-why?! H-how?!" Kazuichi was flipping out, "And I swear I didn't do anything weird! H-he said he'd set my cottage on fire! He said he'd set me on fire! And Miss Sonia! He just wants to set everything on fire!" he was biting his thumb nervously.

"He won't set anything or anyone on fire, Kazuichi"

"You d-don't know that!"

"It's fine" Hajime repeated, "Actually, the reason why I want the key from you is so that I can be the one taking care of him. Is that okay? I get the impression you don't like doing it, but in case you do-"

"You can have it!" Kazuichi basically threw the key at his face, "A-and tell him to go fuck himself! Y-yeah!" he smiled triumphantly, visibly relieved to be rid of his burden.

"Please don't say that sentence in regards to Komaeda ever again" Hajime groaned, grabbing the key.

"Huh?" Kazuichi cocked his head to one side.

"...nevermind" Hajime waved to him and headed to the kitchen.

Doing the dishes didn't really help relieve his brain either. Actually, since it was such an automatic and boring activity, it probably made it worse. It was like no matter what he looked at, that was the only thing he could think about.  
Komaeda in the stupid cage.

Why did it have to be a cage? Why couldn't Komaeda have chosen to just like, hide under his bed? Or in a closet? Or anywhere that didn't bring up Hajime's apparent weird forgotten fetishes?

He was groaning so much recently he swore he would get a throat infection.

Finishing up the dishes, he threw some leftover eggs and rice to heat up. He wondered if Komaeda liked his natto hot or cold. He shrugged and heated it up anyway.

Heading to Komaeda's cottage with the key in one hand and a tray full of food in the other, he was trying to brace himself. For what, he didn't really know. But there was an anxiousness in his stomach, a sort of twisting feeling he knew only came if he was unsure of himself. It was stupid, getting nervous about Komaeda, now out of all times. What the hell had gotten into him?

Battling with himself internally, he didn't even notice when he arrived at Komaeda's cottage. 

There was no putting it off. He didn't want the food to get cold. Swallowing without realizing, he unlocked the door and came in. The cage was still there, which confirmed he hadn't gone crazy at least. However, when he came closer, he realized Komaeda wasn't. 

"Uh" he was so confused, he even forgot to be nervous, "Komaeda? Are you in the bathroom?" the cage was locked, so it wasn't a good guess, but he didn't know what else to say.

Suddenly, as if on the sound of his voice, something in the cage stirred. The tall pile of blankets moved, once, then twice. Finally, the sound of yawning could be heard. The blankets rose up, falling away, revealing a fluffy head of white hair.

"Ah..." Komaeda yawned again, "Hinata-kun. Good morning" he was rubbing at his eyes, one blanket still partially stuck on the top of his head.

Hajime was frozen for a moment, observing how Komaeda's sleepy eyes stared him down. His hair was even more in his face than usual, and his oversized t-shirt was sliding off his arm. He looked so...nonthreatening. 

Not _cute_. Defnitely not _cute_.

"I brought food" Hajime wanted to slap himself as soon as he opened his mouth. A very intelligent and witty sentence there, Hajime. Congratulations.

"Aaaah...thank you!" Komaeda, clearly still half asleep, smiled widely, "Trash like me doesn't deserve this kindness. I am truly grateful" 

"Whatever" Hajime swallowed nervously, trying not to fidget with the tray. 

Komaeda pulled his hand under the mattress, and took out the keys. Slowly, he stuck his robotic hand out of the cage, using it's wider than regular range of movement to reach the locks. The silence as he slowly opened them one by one was a bit awkward. 

"There we go" Komaeda smiled as the last lock clicked.

He didn't, however, make any move to open the door. Hajime hesitated for a moment, but realizing that if they both just kept staring at each other, it would only get more awkward, he finally crouched down and opened the cage. 

"Okay, here it is" he placed the tray in the cage, careful not to spill anything, "I didn't know what you preferred for breakfast, so I brought a bit of everything. There's toast, eggs, steamed rice, natto..." he trailed off as he realized Komaeda wasn't paying attention to the food at all.

There was a pair of dull green eyes staring right at him. Komaeda had a half-asleep, half-curious expression. His bangs were in his face still, but the blanket had finally slid off, revealing even more fluffy hair.

"...are you going to eat?" Hajime couldn't even fault himself for his own sloppy small talk again. Because Komaeda was staring at him, and why was he staring at him, did he have something on his face or...?

"If Hajime wants me to, I guess I will" Komaeda looked genuinely thoughtful for a moment, but ended up grabbing a toast slice.

Hajime was glad that his chewing sounds broke the silence of the room a bit.

"Actually" he realized something, "Now that I think about it, I don't think Souda's been bringing you food in the mornings, right? Someone would have noticed. Besides, two days ago we went together to work on the solar panels right after breakfast. And that took almost the whole day" he tried to remember in his head if he'd seen Kazuichi disappear that day.

"Hey, can I ask you a question too, Hinata-kun?" Komaeda surprised him.

"Uh, sure?"

"How did you get in here?" 

"I asked Kazuichi for the key" Hajime replied, choosing to omit how he had gotten in before that, "And I told him I was gonna take care of you now, too. He looked relieved" he smiled slightly.

"Is that so?" Komaeda made a funny face, "I suppose not having to take care of such a piece of shit as myself would make anyone relieved. God, you really are such a good guy, Hinata-kun, taking care of your friend like that!" 

"Can it, please. It's too early" Hajime stated, despite the fact that it was almost 10 am, "Also, you still haven't answered my question"

"I don't usually eat breakfast" Komaeda explained, mouth full of natto.

"You don't?" Hajime lifted his brows up, "That's really not good, Komaeda. Breakfast is super important, especially with your medicine, didn't I mention that? No wonder you're so-" he stopped himself, but it was still obvious what he was going to say. 

"Hinata-kun, aren't you worrying a bit too much?" Komaeda slurped his natto with a lot of enthusiasm for someone who apparently didn't like breakfast, "I feel completely fine! I realize this horribly skinny body of mine must be disgusting to look at, and I apologize. Maybe I should try gaining weight, if it makes it any easier for you to tolerate my presence, Hinata-kun. Ah, you could probably count my ribs right now" he lifted up his shirt to demonstrate, poking himself with his robotic hand.

Hajime's brain short-circuited. 

"K-komaeda!" he lost his balance, falling backward.

"Hinata-kun?" Komaeda cocked his head to the side, "Am I really this horrible to look at?"

"No!" Hajime shouted, definitely a bit too strongly, "N-no, I just-" he realized he had absolutely nothing to say in his defense.

Komaeda stared at him for a moment, but shrugged, bringing his shirt back down.

"You know, Hinata-kun, you are a bit strange" he laughed quietly, taking a bit of toast again.

"Pot, kettle" Hajime could feel himself blushing, but refused to look Komaeda in the eye.

He didn't want to touch the mess that was happening in his own brain right now with a ten foot pole. 

Komaeda finished his meal surprisingly quickly, which Hajime was sort of relieved about. He had just been crouching awkwardly in front of the cage, staring. It wasn't helping his poor brain at all.

"Okay, make sure you take your medicine properly" he grabbed the tray as soon as Komaeda put down his chopsticks, "And don't touch the bandages, I'll change them in the evening. Do you want me to lock the door when I leave?" he grabbed the other tray as well, realizing he had left it there accidentally last night.

"If you would be so kind" Komaeda nodded, grabbing his blanket again.

Hajime's eyes wandered to it.

"Wait" he reached out his hand before he realized what he was doing, "What is up with this thing? When was the last time you washed it?" he scrunched up his nose, grabbing the blanket.

"Ah?" Komaeda looked surprised when the soft fabric was taken away from him.

"It's really dirty" Hajime made a disgusted face.

"I spilled some coffee on it" Komaeda admitted, "And maybe a few other things. Didn't really feel like taking it to the laundry house" 

Right, Hajime remembered. Each cottage had a shower, a bath, a sink and a toilet - but they didn't have anything like a washing machine. Which made sense, why would a luxury holiday cottage have a washing machine. So when someone wanted to do laundry, they would have to use the small house they built for that purpose. It was closer to the beach, since they built it back when they didn't have the desalination plant yet, next to the rainwater tanks.

"I'll wash it" Hajime took the blanket, "I'll bring it back once it's dry. You have other ones, right?"

"Hinata-kun, you don't have to-" Komaeda bit his lip, "It doesn't feel right to make you handle my filth"

"Komaeda" Hajime sighed, "I've literally handled you puking all over me. Multiple times. I think I'll be fine with a dirty blanket"

Yes, Komaeda's time in the hospital during the first experimental treatments was...not easy. He visibly seemed to think so too, as he shut up completely, looking away. Aw, crap.

"I didn't mean-" Hajime mentally cursed himself, "Look, it's fine. I'll just...wash it. And come back in the evening"

The awkwardness didn't fade as he picked everything up and headed for the door. Just as he was about to turn the handle, he heard the cage door closing again. 

He shouldn't. But of course, he did. He looked back.

Komaeda, startled, looked back at him. He was holding the bars of the cage door with his hands. His expression, once again, seemed to suggest he wanted to say something, but didn't know what. He looked pleading, calm, awaiting something.

Hajime could swear he heard himself yelp as he basically dashed out of the cottage. If this was going to continue, he would probably end up breaking the door at some point, he realized.  
Hajime was grateful nobody seemed to be around near the cottages, as he was sure his face was nearly as red as his left eye.  
Locking the door up quickly, he hurriedly dashed away to leave Komaeda's stuff in his own cottage before heading to the library.

Don't think about it, don't think about, dammit, _don't think about it-_

He continued to repeat the mantra as he headed for the library.

Surprisingly enough, he liked library duty. Sure, it was kind of dull sometimes - but at the same time, it was peaceful. And Hajime didn't really get to experience 'peaceful' all that much. So these occasional cataloging days were a nice change of pace. He was actually quite sad they were coming to an end soon.  
Indeed, they had finished labeling and sorting most of the library already. There were only a few messiest sections left, and then, the library would be ready to be used again. 

"What genre is this?" he picked up a book and turned it around in his hands. 

It was an english title (one he could thankfully now read, being the Ultimate Linguist). 'An idiot's guide to surviving corporate field trips', it proudly stated.

"This one?" Sonia looked over his shoulder, "It's a guide, right?"

"I'm not sure" Hajime questioned, but shrugged and put it in the 'education' pile anyway.

"Sonia, can you take a look at these?" Pekoyama shouted from across the room.

"I'll be right there!" Sonia got up, dusting off her skirt, and headed to where Pekoyama was clutching a stack of books. 

Humming quietly to himself, Hajime turned his attention to a particularly old and dusted shelf on the very bottom. Most of the books in this section seemed to be various guides of some sort. The languages were all mixed together, though, and nothing seemed to be in proper alphabetical order. Hajime always wondered who the hell used this library before them. They sure were messy.

He began to sort through the books mindlessly, content to just listen to the soft murmurs of his friends in other sections. After a while of sorting, he came across a book with no title on the cover.  
He shrugged and opened it, looking for a title page inside.

'Practical applications of BDSM in therapy - a complex introduction'

_Ah._

_Of course._

Hajime had to use all of his willpower to stop himself from making a noise. Quickly, definitely too quickly, he closed the book and frantically looked around. As his luck would have it, thankfully, no one was around.  
His luck. Yes, of course. That's why he had to find this book. This wasn't a coincidence, he would bet his head that it wasn't. Of course this would happen, after last night.

All of the effort he had put into _not thinking about it_ was instantly ruined. Now he was very much thinking about it. 

'Weird things', right. 'Suggestive', my ass. Even if he wasn't exactly knowledgeable or anything, he was still spent his teenage years with access to the internet. He'd seen enough to know exactly what he was thinking of. He was even avoiding spelling anything out to himself, hoping it would help him ignore it.  
Not like he had to spell anything out, now. The book did that for him.

Releasing a breath he was holding, he discreetly opened the book again. Yep, he didn't make a mistake, the title was there, in large, bold letters.  
They had never found any 'dirty' books anywhere in the library (to the disappointment of Teruteru). Hajime wondered if it was just his luck that made it appear here, but upon opening it further, realized that didn't have to be the case.  
The book was a lot more informative than one might have expected. It looked like a medical textbook more than anything. There was a lot of small text, and everything seemed to be described in a very professional manner. Hajime mindlessly turned the pages, skimming them. He came across a picture and stopped.

It was an image of someone's bound hands. The rope was standing out brightly against the person's dark skin.  
Hajime read the text next to the image, not even realizing how hard he was focusing.

'Bondage especially had been proven to have a positive effect on certain patients. Being bound might inspire feelings of safety for some individuals, especially if they exhibit issues with control and obsessive behavior. Having their range of movement restricted can be both an introduction to letting go of a person's controlling nature and an opportunity to widen a person's range of tolerance to alternative power dynamics. This can result in relaxation with very stressed patients, as it allows them to decrease their alertness. Bondage exercises promote trust between the dominating and the submissive side, and might deepen the relationship over time. It is recommended to start slow, such as with a single, simple knot (see picture). While complex knots may not be beginner-friendly, there are a lot of classic techniques that can be learned fairly easily. Bondage is also the kind of therapeutic exercise that might be beneficial to a patient and their partner, as an alternative coping mechanism to be introduced at home. There have been various cases of-"

"What are you reading, Hajime?"

Hajime did actually scream this time, closing the book with superhuman speed.

"P-Peko?" Hajime turned around, only to see the swordswoman standing right behind him.

"Did I startle you?" she took a step back, "I do apologize"

"It's fine" Hajime waved at her, trying to pretend his heart wasn't going five hundred kilometers per hour, "I was just lost in thought is all" 

"I see" Pekoyama eyed the book he was still holding.

"This is, uh, nothing special" Hajime tried his best to sound unbothered, "Just a guide to common houseplants. I was thinking of sprucing up my cottage a bit, you know? So I think I'll take it" he shoved the book away into his bag quicker than necessary.

"I didn't know you were interested in gardening" Pekoyama looked thoughtful, "Plants do help to liven up a room, don't they? I have actually been thinking of trying something like that as well. You see, at the Kuzuryu mansion, the gardens were all done in traditional japanese style. I enjoyed watching the gardeners do their work. They always seemed so peaceful and composed..." she tapped her chin.

Right, ever since Fuyuhiko demanded Pekoyama find something to do besides training, she has visibly been searching for some more relaxing activities. It would definitely do her some good, even if 'relaxation' wasn't an easy concept for her to grasp.

Ah well, Hajime could relate.

"Yeah, that's a good idea. Maybe you should try bonsai?" Hajime was infinitely grateful for the fact that Peko was usually not the prying type, "Although they do take a long time..."

"I'll consider it" she smiled calmly, "Thank you, Hajime"

Hajime smiled back at her, his heart still racing a little. Once again, Ultimate Actor was saving his ass.

"Should we head back now? I think I'm starting to get a bit hungry" he stood up, grabbing his bag.

"I'll get the others" Pekoyama nodded, and headed further into the library.

Hajime sighed audibly to himself. As usual, his luck let him avoid disaster by just a hair. Clutching his bag tightly, he left the library and headed for the restaurant. He could swear the book was heavier than it should be, it's presence enough to make him annoyed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hajime's in d-d-denial ~~  
> So this is it for now? I'll be posting chapters as they are being written from this point on. I can't say how often, although I've been told I write pretty fast. I'm still very busy, though, so we'll see.  
> I'll try my best <3
> 
> By the way, Komaeda being the only one calling everyone by their surnames and using suffixes is very much intentional.   
> And yes, therapeutical bdsm is absolutely a thing. People never believe me when I say bondage is relaxing...


	4. Circulation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hajime is a good caretaker, but a very confused human being.

Perhaps the world was taking mercy on Hajime's poor heart, because the rest of the day went by surprisingly peacefully. Hajime ate with everyone, assisted Nekomaru with filling the pool again, checked on the solar panels, took a break to play cards with Fuyuhiko (he was forced into it), and somehow found the time to still do some cleaning at his cottage. He got really into his work this time around, which usually happened whenever he was trying very hard not to think about something. 

Eventually, however, his thoughts would catch up to him. He knew that well, and finally, after trying not to look at the clock for the entire duration of dinner, he gave up.  
Once again waiting for everyone to leave, he prepared food in the kitchen. This was it, okay, he had to try and do better this time. He had no idea what demons possessed him last time he saw Komaeda, but he couldn't let them interfere with his work. He was a doctor first, dammit. Even if he technically didn't have a proper license.

Above everything else, he had to forget about that book. Whatever it was that fate was trying to tell him, he had no intention of playing along. He stopped at his cottage to take Komaeda's blanket plus his bag - and that was when he realized the book was still there.

His first instinct was to throw it away, but something stopped him. Well, for one thing, he didn't want to throw it away somewhere where others could notice. Most likely no one would care, but he didn't want to try his luck. Even if it was ultimate.  
Annoyed, he just shoved the book into the bottom drawer of his dresser, deciding to throw it away somewhere safe when he would have more time. Now he needed to get to Komaeda before the food got cold.

Thankfully, their cottages weren't all that far apart.

He actually knocked this time after unlocking the door. It didn't have much purpose, because it wasn't like Komaeda would get out of the cage just to open the door for him - but it at least made him feel less like he was just barging in.

"Excuse me" he walked in, closing the door behind him.

"Hinata-kun" 

Komaeda's voice sounded a little weaker than earlier, Hajime immediately noted. 

"Good evening, Komaeda" sticking to politeness did help him keep his composure a bit more.

The white-haired boy was sitting up this time, leaning against some pillows. He was holding the rubik's cube, but it looked completed already.

"Do you know how to solve these?" Hajime decided to start a conversation as soon as possible to avoid awkwardness.

And maybe distracting Komaeda would prevent him from mentioning Hajime's abrupt exit last night.

"Not at all" Komaeda smiled a bit, "But if I close my eyes and play with it a little, it always comes out perfect" he lifted the cube in his hands, examining it, "My luck ruins even the simplest puzzles, doesn't it?"

"Yeah" Hajime nodded, before realizing he should probably explain, "Uh, I mean, mine is the same. I can't play board games at all, you know?" he laughed, "We tried everything already. I even win at monopoly, every time. It's the worst" despite his words, he smiled fondly at the memory of his friends desperately trying to find a game he could play.

"Huh? Really?" Komaeda appeared confused.

"Why are you surprised?" Hajime asked, unable to hide his smile, "You have the same problem, right?"

"Yeah but..." Komaeda seemed thoughtful for a moment, "I kinda thought your luck was better than mine. Isn't it supposed to be perfect?"

"That's not how luck works, Komaeda" Hajime was really laughing now, he never expected he would be explaining luck of all things to this guy, "The fact that my luck is perfect doesn't change the fact that it's luck, not some superpower. Hm, let me think how to explain this..." he considered as he placed the stuff he was carrying down.

His thoughts got derailed for a moment when Komaeda lightly pushed the cage door open. It didn't go all the way but...

Komaeda had left the cage unlocked? Or did he open it beforehand when he knew Hajime was coming?  
Hajime tried his best not to let his surprise show. This was progress, and so early on, too. He had to do everything he could to treat this as casual. Don't bring any attention to it, or Komaeda might start having doubts.  
Making sure to keep a neutral expression, Hajime placed the food in the cage, minding to put it in the same spot as before.

"Think about it" he continued the conversation when Komaeda started to pick at his food, "Your luck makes sure that you always win in any situation, regardless of the consequences you or someone else might suffer as a result, right?" he continued once Komaeda nodded, "Except it's flawed in that it also makes you pay for the good luck with bad luck later on, and so on. It's a cycle. Well, my good luck doesn't bring bad luck with it, from what I've seen - but it's still the same good luck as yours. It still makes me win in all situations, even when I don't want to. In the end, neither of us has anything to say in regards to how things turn out where our luck is involved. I might be luckier than you, but in some situations, that just makes everything worse" he laughed, this time a bit awkwardly.

He was definitely thinking about that book when he said that. He really, really wanted to tell his luck to go to hell.

"I would know" Komaeda admitted in between taking bites of fried tofu, "I didn't think about that. I had assumed your luck was better than mine, so nothing could be bad about it. But I suppose not even the Ultimate Hope can escape this one, huh?" he smiled sadly.

"It's not that bad" Hajime shrugged, "I'm just excluded from any and all competitions" he smiled.

Truth be told, he didn't actually mind that. Akane's and Nekomaru's races or Kazuichi's and Sonia's mini robot battles were not really his cup of tea. He was satisfied to just watch.

"On the other hand, if the world wasn't ruined, I could totally play the lottery once and win enough money to last me a lifetime, I bet. It'd be useful enough in different circumstances"

"Perfect good luck with none of the bad luck..." Komaeda wondered, "Once upon a time, I would have given anything in the world in exchange for that, you know?" Hajime held his breath. Komaeda was surprisingly honest all of a sudden.

"But" the white-haired boy continued, "I don't think I care as much anymore. I'm not sure why"

This was pretty incredible, Hajime noted. He had a lot of conversations with Komaeda these past few months, especially during his time in the hospital. Despite how frequently they talked, hearing Komaeda admit something about his genuine feelings, besides the constant 'becoming the stepping stone', was pretty rare.   
Was it the cage? Maybe, with the bars separating them, it was easier for him to be honest?

"Well, Luck is still a talent, as weird as that may seem" Hajime mused, "If it wasn't, the researchers wouldn't have included it in...me. Besides, there were a ton of lucky students. Naegi's lucky too, you know? Even though he always denies it. But you'd have to be, to survive a killing game twice" he shook his head a little.

"Ah, that's true" Komaeda smiled, "Naegi-san's luck is indeed incredible"

Hajime agreed. Even though it was much less dramatic than Komaeda's, it didn't seem to be any less powerful sometimes. 

"Ah, here's your blanket back" Hajime remembered, "The good thing about this island is that the harsh sun makes everything dry quickly" 

"W-wait, maybe don't-" Komaeda stopped his hand as Hajime was trying to give him the blanket.

His metal hand was cold as he grabbed Hajime's wrist. 

"I haven't had a chance to take a shower recently" Komaeda retracted his hand, "I don't want to, um, dirty the blanket again. You have been so nice as to wash it for me, I would never consider wasting your effort like that-"

Komaeda stopped talking as Hajime suddenly got closer. The brown-haired boy was now nearly sticking his head inside the cage.

"H-Hinata-kun?" Komaeda instinctively leaned back, startled.

"...you do stink" Hajime confirmed, before retreating.

"I told you...you didn't have to sniff me" Komaeda cowered his face with his hands, "Why would you subject yourself to such a disgusting experience, Hinata-kun?"

That was a good question, one he, unfortunately, didn't know the answer to.

"Are you done eating?" Hajime ignored his remarks, placing the blanket next to the cage for now.

"Yes" Komaeda confirmed, visibly unsure.

"Then let's get you under a shower" Hajime stood up, holding his hand out towards Komaeda, "You must be feeling uncomfortable, right?"

"A little" Komaeda admitted, looking away.

He was a clean person, that Hajime noticed long ago. Which was ironic considering how often his luck made him end up stinky. He would fall in the trash, or in mud, or have various condiments end up on his clothes during dinner. It was such a common occurrence no one even paid attention to it anymore. It made sense how quickly he dirtied the blanket.

It also made it obvious how important staying in the cage had been for Komaeda. If he was willing to forgo showering just to avoid getting out too much, it must have been serious. 

"Then come on" 

Komaeda looked hesitant, but after a moment, grabbed Hajime's hand. Hajime hoisted him up in one move, which Komaeda was clearly not prepared for.

"Ack!" he shouted, startled, as he leaned on Hajime a little, "Oh, I'm sorry, I smell so horrible-" 

"Shhh" Hajime, feeling the warm weight on himself, had a remarkable issue coming up with anything smart to say, "It's okay..."

He pet Komaeda's hair gently with his other hand.

Wait.

He did what?

"A-ah" Komaeda looked even more startled than before, but didn't make any move to lean away, "My hair's probably greasy too, Hinata-kun...you shouldn't...."

Well, crap. Now he actually couldn't stop, or it would look like he was agreeing with him. 

"Your roots look stronger than before" as usual, when in crisis, Hajime turned to his tried and true method of blabbering about Komaeda's health, "It's a great sign"

"Is that so?" 

"Mhm"

They stood like that for a moment, Hajime's hand petting Komaeda almost automatically. It was a little strange considering normally they were nearly the same height. But now Komaeda's knees were bent slightly, and he was still leaning against Hajime. The brown-haired boy could feel his breathing against his own chest. Komaeda felt light, and Hajime had the inexplicable urge to close his arms around him, to know that the other was close to him, safe and warm.

Okay, this was weird. He was making it weird, why was he still petting him?

"Alright, I'll just take off your bandages, and then you can go shower" Hajime, not abandoning his professional voice, gently pried Komaeda off himself, "If you happen to need any help, just shout-"

As soon as Hajime let go of Komaeda's hand, the other staggered to the ground, yelping in surprise.

"Komaeda!" Ultimate reflexes immediately flaring up, Hajime caught him in half a second.

"Oops" Komaeda's face was now remarkably close to his own, "Um, sorry. I think I'm a little dizzy"

Hajime blinked a few times, his brain catching up.

"Are you feeling faint?" Hajime's chest tightened, "How is your vision? Is it another migraine? Are you cold? Shit, can you move your hand? I knew that experimental solution was-"

"It's okay, Hinata-kun" Komaeda actually smiled now, "I'm not feeling sick. Just a bit weak? I think my knees gave out" he looked down at his trembling legs.

"Ah" a light lit itself up in Hajime's head, "Maybe..."

He hoisted Komaeda up again, this time letting him lean on his shoulder. He was standing up okay with some support, it seemed.

"Komaeda, have you been getting any exercise at all?"

"Exercise?" the pale boy questioned, "I can't exactly move around much in there, uh, can I?" he pointed at the cage.

"Seriously?" Hajime scolded him, "You haven't been moving at all for almost four days? You already don't have enough muscle mass for your height, and you have trouble gaining weight. If you don't move your body, it's going to give out! And what about your blood flow? It must be horrible, that's why you're even paler than usual-"

"Hinata-kun" Komaeda's peaceful voice broke through his ramblings, "You sound like Tsumiki-san"

Ah.

Hajime turned away, fruitlessly attempting to hide his blush. Dammit, he let himself be flustered by this guy yet again. What was with him?

"I'm just saying" he started again, "That this explains why you're feeling dizzy. You can't just sit around in the cage all day" he shook his head.

"Well, I would much rather not leave right now..." Komaeda trailed off, a troubled look on his face.

Hajime tightened his hold on him unconsciously.

"We'll talk about this another time" he decided, "Now you need to take a proper shower"

"I...don't think I'll be able to, Hinata-kun"

"I'll help you, of course" Hajime answered as if that was obvious, "Actually, a bath will be better. It will help with your circulation, too. Come on, I'll help you get in"

Komaeda was remarkably quiet as they made their way to the bathroom. Hajime noticed something that looked like a flush on his face - that was good, actually. Meant his circulation probably wasn't as bad as he feared.

"Alright, just stay here, I'll fill the tub" he gently sat Komaeda down on the shower stool, "Can you undress by yourself?"

"Yes!" the answer came a bit too quickly.

Hajime turned away to fill the tub, making sure the water was at the right temperature. He could feel the Ultimate Caretaker in charge, his movements robotic, his mind free to wander as he didn't have to focus on whatever he was doing at all. 

"Okay, it's a little hot, but it will do you good. Just watch out, it's slippery" he turned around to grab Komaeda.

The white-haired boy was sitting on the stool, not meeting his eyes. His pale body almost blended in with the white tiles of the bathroom. He was holding his legs close together, resembling a turtle with how much he was slouching.  
He still looked scrawny, Hajime's brain immediately complained. 

"Up we go" Hajime hoisted Komaeda up in his arms in one move.

This was an old routine. During his stay at the hospital, Hajime noticed a lot of Komaeda's quirks - for example, how he didn't like being handled without a warning. So, every time he needed to pick him up, or even move his arms or legs, he would always say the same silly phrase, just to make sure Komaeda knew what was about to happen. He did get some confused looks from Mikan, but hey, if it works, it works.

It was still better than Hiyoko, who didn't let anyone but Mahiru carry her, ever. Which actually didn't really work out anymore since she was taller than her.  
During Hiyoko's recovery after surgery, Hajime had heard enough elaborate insults to every aspect of his personality that it would last him a lifetime.

Komaeda still clung to him instinctively when he was lifted up.

"I'm not gonna drop you" Hajime assured, but Komaeda just shook his head a bit.

Hajime lowered him slowly into the tub.

"That's really hot" Komaeda complained, lifting his leg up a little to avoid the water.

"No whining" Hajime rolled his eyes, "It will make you feel better"

Komaeda pouted a bit, but let himself be almost fully submerged. 

"Ah, wait" Hajime realized, "I need to take the bandage off, or it will get soggy" 

Komaeda stared at him, sitting with his knees up to his chin. He obediently gave his robotic hand, watching intently as Hajime unwrapped the bandages. The slight sloshing of water was the only sound in the otherwise quiet bathroom.  
Hajime focused hard on examining the injuries because he felt like if he didn't, he would instead have to focus on the pair of bright eyes staring at him.  
And Komaeda was in a bit of a vulnerable state right now. It shouldn't bother him, after all, he took care of him for a while in the hospital. But this was a bit different. There were no sterile, white walls cornering them, no medical equipment laying around, no beeping heart monitor.  
It was just him and a very naked Komaeda in a small, foggy bathroom.

Hajime inhaled slowly, willing his thoughts not to go anywhere weird again. He seriously needed to get over himself.

"Alright, just make sure you don't submerge it. The hot water wouldn't be good for the wounds" he threw the old bandage into the trash can.

Komaeda didn't reply, still staring at him, white hair plastered to his forehead a bit from the heat. Hajime instinctively reached to get it away from his face, but as soon as he did that, Komaeda froze up.

"Ah, sorry" Hajime retracted his hand, "Your hair looked like it was bothering you"

Komaeda turned his head away but was still looking at Hajime, his eyes vigilant. 

"Speaking of hair, want me to help you wash it?" Hajime reached for the shampoo sitting on the shelf.

"...okay" Komaeda seemed to submerge himself in the water just a bit more.

"Tell me if I tug at it too strongly"

Komaeda nodded, and Hajime got to work, wetting the white mess and applying generous amounts of shampoo. Komaeda's hair had a strange quality to it, namely that it seemed to absorb liquids like a sponge. It took almost three times as much shampoo as Hajime would use on himself to get it evenly coated. Not to mention it was tangled like a sheep's wool. Hajime felt as if his fingers were getting stuck. Still, he persisted, carefully unraveling the strands.

"Mhm-" Komaeda made a noise, and Hajime stopped his hands.

"Did I hurt you?" he asked, trying to look at Komaeda's face.

"N-no, I'm fine" Komaeda was avoiding his gaze.

Hajime was a little suspicious but decided not to show it. 

"Okay, I'm gonna rinse it off, just lean back" he did as he was told, and Hajime used the shower handle to slowly rinse out his hair.

Komaeda's eyes were closed, long pale lashes framing them. Hajime noticed how flushed his skin was, the sickly white replaced by a deep pink. The boy leaned back even more, and Hajime was treated to a view of his long neck, arched above the water.

Wait, he was staring. Again.

"Okay, here we go" his voice unwittingly shook a little as he spoke.

Placing the shower handle away, he silently wished for his racing thoughts to shut the hell up. What was wrong with him recently?

He had to cover his face as Komaeda suddenly shook his head like a dog. 

Hajime couldn't stop himself from snorting. 

Komaeda's hair was wet, but somehow still in his face. Actually, after the shaking, it looked even wilder than usual.

"Do I look that horrible?" Komaeda blew at a strand of hair that was bothering him, "I suppose it is a very pitiful sigh, no?"

"I wouldn't use that word" Hajime shortened the distance between them, leaning on the side of the tub, "But it is a bit funny"

They stared at each other then, silent. Komaeda's skin was still flushed, small droplets of water going down his face. His eyelashes were wet too, making him look a bit like he had just cried. Hajime realized he'd never seen Komaeda cry.   
Without thinking, he reached his hand out again. Komaeda didn't recoil this time. He looked tired, or maybe just sleepy, but either way, like someone who just didn't want to think about anything anymore. 

Hajime understood that look because he understood the feeling.

Slowly, completely without knowing what he was actually doing, Hajime touched Komaeda's head again. Komaeda stared at him, clearly tensed up, but didn't pull away. Hajime started petting him again, lightly, and after a moment, he could feel the other relaxing again.  
This was weird. It was even weirder than before. But Hajime was tired, and his mind was a mess, and he just wanted to stop thinking for a moment. He just wanted to do whatever his body told him to, to reach and cup Komaeda's cheek and watch him lean on his hand.

Komaeda's eyes were half-closed, glossed over, and he was still looking at Hajime. But after a moment, the dull green finally disappeared as he closed them, leaning even more against Hajime's hand. 

Hajime had absolutely no clue what they were doing here. But he felt peaceful, somehow, so much more peaceful than he had all this time. His head was fuzzy, but his hand was warm, and he didn't want this moment to end.

It had to, however, when Komaeda's head almost hit the side of the bathtub.

"Ah, you're tired" Hajime returned him to the upright position, smiling a bit, "Just wait a moment, I'll get a towel" he was glad to cover up his own embarrassment with more fussing.

Komaeda was completely silent as Hajime helped him out of the tub and wrapped him in a large towel. The fluffy fabric was the same color as his hair, and now, he looked completely like a sheep.

"Up we go" Hajime lifted him again.

"I can walk" Komaeda tried to protest, but it was weakened by his clearly sleepy state.

"Yes, but I want to carry you" Hajime said the first thing he knew would stop the protesting, "So humor me, okay?"

"Why would Hinata-kun want to do that..." Komaeda attempted to hide his head further into the towel he was wrapped in, with little success.

"Why?" Hajime pondered, "Cause I don't want you to slip and fall, obviously"

It was a blatant lie, but Hajime counted on his luck. Komaeda was clearly out of it, his eyes closing and opening constantly, as if he was fighting to stay awake. Hopefully, he was tired enough to not care about what Hajime was saying.

Hajime himself had no idea what he was saying. 

"Hmh...you shouldn't waste your strength on someone like me..." Komaeda closed his eyes again, his head lolling to the side a bit.

"But I will" Hajime murmured quietly, only to himself, as he placed Komaeda on the bed.

The pale boy didn't move, visibly glad to let sleep take him. Hajime let his gaze linger for a moment. Laying on his side, wrapped in the towel, Komaeda looked small. Fragile. Hajime still couldn't believe this was the same guy he was once so afraid of. 

Forcing himself to look away, Hajime headed into the bathroom. He collected the clothes and threw them into the laundry hamper, before reaching under the sink. The first aid kit was there again, he noted with some embarrassment that Komaeda must have returned it there. 

After placing it away next to the sleeping boy, Hajime pondered the drawers. He opened one at random, and thankfully, his luck didn't disappoint. There were some clothes, all extremely neatly placed. He noted there seemed to be little variation, with plain white shirts dominating the vast majority of the space. Now that he thought about it, he never saw Komaeda take anything whenever a shipment of clothes came. And these didn't happen often, so it was quite strange. Nearly everyone else almost raced to the warehouse every time. 

This must have been all he had, Hajime concluded while grabbing one of the shirts and some pajama shorts. He had noted before, in the hospital, that Komaeda always slept in a shirt, even when it was very hot. 

"Put some clothes on, you're not sleeping in that wet towel" he threw them at Komaeda, hoping to wake him up.

Wake him up he did, which was confirmed by a clearly unhappy whine. 

"Hinata-kun was going through my stuff?" Komaeda put on the clothes obediently, "That's not very polite, you know. Are you a pervert or something, Hinata-kun?" he mused while stuffing his head through the neck hole of the shirt.

Normally that remark, part of Komaeda's usual constant teasing, wouldn't have had much effect on Hajime. But considering his recent, uh, issues with less than appropriate thoughts, he couldn't stop himself from tensing up. Logically, he knew Komaeda wasn't reading his mind, but it still felt like he might. 

"Can it" he resorted to just dismissing the remark quickly, trying to will his face into a neutral expression before finally turning around.

"Well, it's fine, you know" Komaeda was sitting crossed-legged on the bed, "I told you before, didn't I? I don't mind if Hinata-kun sees me naked" he smiled peacefully.

"You were just making fun of me" Hajime looked away for a moment.

"Eh? Not at all" Komaeda looked surprised.

"Whatever" Hajime waved away at nothing, before grabbing the first aid kit, "Either way I've seen you naked plenty of times by now, with all the bathing and whatnot" he realized he just dug himself deeper as soon as he finished the sentence.

"I suppose" Komaeda agreed, watching as Hajime grabbed his hand again and started wrapping it in the bandage.

Hajime was kneeling on the carpet in front of him, trying his best to focus on his task and nothing else. But Komaeda's legs were dangling off the bed now, way too close to his face. And god, why was he this pale, he looked like he hadn't spent a day in the sun since they woke up. Hajime could spot small scars and scratches littering his knees, unsurprising, considering his constant accidents. He had a strange urge to run his fingers on them, to touch them and feel every bump and texture of Komaeda's skin. 

He felt himself wrap the bandage a bit too tight and breathed in. He was really glad for how good he was now at staying composed. It was the Izuru part of him, he supposed, always valuing whatever work he was doing above his emotions.   
The old Hajime Hinata would have probably already run out screaming at least three times by now.

"Alright, all good. Do you want to sleep here, or-?" before he could finish his sentence, Komaeda stood up.

His legs were still shaky, but he managed to walk the two steps to the cage by himself. Slowly, he crawled in. Watching him do that, Hajime was hit with just how absurd this situation was, again. Komaeda had a giant cage in his room, a cage he slept in, ate in, and generally spent most of his time in. And not only had Hajime seen enough, simply speaking, crazy shit in his short life to not be particularly phased by that, but he was also now helping Komaeda with this lifestyle.

Well, okay, he wasn't helping him live in the cage, he was just trying to make sure he wouldn't die while doing so. Which maybe was stupid of him - if Komaeda wanted to ruin his health, why should it be his business? But it was, just like it had been from the moment they all woke up. He took care of every single one of them, even if they didn't want to, because somewhere in his mind it felt like this whole situation was his fault. It wasn't just because they were his friends. It was like he had the obligation to keep them all alive now that they had somehow survived.

He wondered about it, sometimes, when the nights got too long. About what would have happened if he never offered to participate in the Kamukura project. Would it all have been alright, then? If he wasn't there, would Junko still target Hope's Peak? If Hajime hadn't thrown away his life for promise of talent, would they all have been okay?  
Would **she** still be-

"Hinata-kun" Komaeda's voice dragged him out of whatever headspace he was stuck in, "You are making a strange face"

Despite his dark thoughts just moments prior, he still felt himself get slightly offended.

"I am not" he narrowed his eyes at Komaeda.

The cage door was still open, the pale boy sitting on the mattress inside. Slowly, as if not wanting to spook him, Hajime sat down next to the cage door. 

"Mhmm..." Komaeda was clearly fighting sleep again, rocking back and forth slightly.

Hajime frowned. It wasn't really that late yet, and Komaeda stated himself he hadn't been doing much recently. If anything, the continuous lack of exercise and fresh air should result in insomnia, not sleepiness. Did the bath affect him this much? That didn't seem very plausible.

"This is fine now, right?" Hajime grabbed the clean blanket and handed it to Komaeda, "You're all clean"

The other barely nodded, before wrapping himself up in the blanket and closing his eyes.

"Alright, I'll close the door for you" Hajime grabbed the key and started working on the locks, "I'll be here tomorrow with breakfast" 

He stopped talking when he realized Komaeda wasn't responding. He was laying on the mattress, curled up, chest rising and falling slowly. 

"Did you fall asleep already?" Hajime lifted his eyebrows, "You really were tired. Well, I guess I'll head back too-"

As he started to get up, eager to leave and not stare at sleeping Komaeda, he felt his hand being grabbed. 

"Komaeda?" He looked over at the other.

The pale boy was still laying down, eyes open just a little bit. He was holding Hajime's hand like a lifeline, surprisingly strongly for someone half-asleep. Hajime's heart felt like it stopped for a moment when they made eye contact. There was something pleading in Komaeda's eyes, like he was asking for something.

Hajime knew he should have left then and there, ran out, and then act as nothing had happened. But he didn't.

"Do you..." Hajime lowered himself again, swallowing a bit, "...want me to stay?"

His voice was nearly a whisper. Komaeda looked away but didn't stop holding his hand.

"I'll stay until you fall asleep, alright?" Hajime relented, squeezing his hand back.

As soon as he said that, Komaeda smiled, and let his eyes close again.  
Hajime inhaled slowly, making himself more comfortable.  
Now he was sitting on the floor of Komaeda's cottage, next to Komaeda's stupid cage, holding Komaeda's warm hand. It was like the more he tried to avoid getting in these situations, the more he would get in them. What situations, he didn't even know. Why did he care so much, why did he get so nervous, why was Komaeda's hand so goddamn warm-

Realizing he was currently freaking out for seemingly absolutely no reason, Hajime forced his thoughts to slow down. He needed a distraction, so he looked towards Komaeda again.

Bad idea.

The other was seemingly already asleep, only the now weaker hold on his hand reminding Hajime that wasn't the case. Komaeda's face looked peaceful, the remains of a smile still holding on. The light flush on his cheeks remained, giving him a healthier appearance than usual. But more than anything, he looked so unusually calm. Not the unnerving, unnatural calm he always displayed whenever he wouldn't let his real emotions show. No, he seemed actually peaceful, happy to just lay there under the blanket and hold Hajime's hand.  
His grip was now weak, but Hajime could still feel its warmth. Komaeda's hand was soft, he felt the difference between the two of them. His own hands were rough now, from the constant work, his skin tanned and a bit dried out from the sun. But Komaeda's was like porcelain, despite the scratches and old scars, and Hajime felt entranced by it. He bit his lip unconsciously when Komaeda moved his fingers a tiny bit, making them brush up against Hajime's skin. He was suddenly hyperaware of every little move Komaeda made, of every hitch in his breath, every sound the mattress made when he shifted a little. Hajime felt like he had fallen into some sort of a spell, completely frozen. His head felt light, empty, like he was floating in some alternate universe, nothing but him, Komaeda, and the cold, steel bars between them. He desperately held his hand still, not wanting to break whatever this was. It was just like back there in the bath, some different world, where he didn't have to think about what was right or wrong, where he could just think about the softness of Komaeda's hand and his pale lashes and-

He startled when Komaeda's hand suddenly gripped him a little tighter, only to fall completely limp moments after.

Ah. He was finally asleep.

As quietly and carefully as he could, Hajime grabbed the empty food tray and his bag, and headed out of the cottage. His head felt fuzzy, as if he was waking up from a dream. The fragrant night air felt like a slap to the face, but he shook it off, entering his own cottage.

Caring little for where he left his things, Hajime kicked off his shoes and threw himself on the bed. He felt both restless and tired, somehow, but more than anything, he just didn't want to think. He pulled off his shirt and pants haphazardly, focused on just getting to sleep as quickly as possible. He'd take a shower in the morning, whatever, now he needed to sleep while his brain was still hazy. If he stayed up too long, he'd start thinking about everything that happened, and then, he knew he wouldn't fall asleep at all.

Exhaling loudly, he nuzzled his face into the pillow, the world quickly blurring around the edges. As sleep quickly overtook him, his last thoughts were of soft, white hair and warm hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He's out of the cage, we repeat, he has breached containment  
> This chapter should just be called Hajime and his internal battle between mom instincts and gay yearning
> 
> In other news I couldn't stop myself from posting, I have no self control :)


	5. A realization and a half

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hajime discovers why you should never go to sleep after too much handholding. Meanwhile, Komaeda feels blessed with some exceptionally good luck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright folks this is where that explicit rating comes into play, so fair warning <3 it's just for a moment but i prefer to mention it ^^
> 
> in other news, i enjoy making hajime suffer, apparently :)

Hajime lifted himself on one hand as he reached over, grabbing something. He couldn't quite tell yet, with how dark it was, but he felt something rough and leathery under his hand. There were plush and blankets under him, his bare legs brushing against the soft fabric. He pulled, intent on bringing whatever he was holding closer. 

"Argh-" someone choked as Hajime pulled on a leather collar, and a warm body was pushed up against his own.

He felt fear, for a second, had he hurt them? But there was no hesitation in the other person's movements, as they wrapped their hands around him, bringing their bodies closer.

_He had hurt them, and that was the point._

"Hmh-" they made a small noise, nuzzling their head into Hajime's chest.

Hajime grabbed them by the shoulders, wanting to take a look at the collar. It was firm and sturdy, but loose enough that he could hook his fingers under it. There was a bit of redness on the person's neck, most likely from the earlier rough treatment. Hajime leaned in, kissing the abused skin, tasting the leather and sweat at the same time.  
A quiet moan sounded right next to his ear as he made his way down their neck to the shoulder, kissing every inch of skin he could feel. A tentative scrape of teeth earned him another one, and he felt a shiver run through him.

His body felt light, his blood burning. The person clutching at him was like jelly under his hands, going along with every silent command, letting him roam his hands freely. Every rougher movement was rewarded with a gasp, a moan, a frantic attempt to get closer.

Hajime brushed his lips against their shoulder, retracting his touch. They whimpered, clearly unhappy at the loss of contact, and Hajime smiled a little against their skin. With no hesitation, he bit down as hard as he could.

"Aaaah!" 

Nails scraped across his bare back as his lover screamed, curling in on him. They were shivering, now, as Hajime retracted his teeth. He started to lap at the wound lazily, his fingers curling under the collar again, and whoever he was holding seemed to lose their mind. There was suddenly a weight in his lap, more leather and something that felt suspiciously like rope brushing against him. Hajime felt their hands grab at him harder, like they were afraid of falling. They were grinding against him now, shakily, as if trying to resist, but failing. It was all warm body and soft skin. More whimpers escaped them, the shaking increasingly noticeable. 

"P-please-"

Hajime stopped in his tracks as he heard the person whisper next to him. Their voice was shaky and uneven, but Hajime could swear he recognized it.  
Slowly, he reached his hand up, tangling it in their hair. Before they could speak again, he tugged on it, forcing their face to meet his own.

"Hinata-kun..."

Komaeda was smiling back at him.

Hajime closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, he was laying face down on his bed, tangled in the sheets.

"Ow, dammit" his voice was raspy.

It took him a moment to find his position against the world's axis. When he did, however, he also realized other things. Like the fact he was not inside some plush, dark, nice smelling-room, but own his cottage. And that he was sweaty, confused, and barely awake.

_Oh, and remarkably hard, too._

He bit his lip when his dick brushed against the sheets as he shifted slightly. He felt his brain finally catch up, and a thousand emotions went through him at once. He was desperate to filter them out, to remain in his hazy dream world for just a bit more. Inhaling, he moved again, trying to get some friction, to return to whatever he was dreaming about. It was good, so good, he didn't want to forget it, he wanted to close his eyes and be there again. 

Somewhere deep in his mind, something was screaming at him, to stop, to wake up and control himself. But he didn't want to. He wanted to think about the leather collar and the soft skin. He wanted to think about **Komaeda.**

He realized how messed up this was already, but he wanted to continue pretending like he didn't for just a moment longer. It was early, he was still half asleep, it would be alright. He would say he just let himself get carried away. It's not even like he needed excuses for anyone but himself. No one would ever know.

He felt something finally give in his mind, and he let himself be pulled under. Komaeda was in front of him again, flush against his body, shivering, grinding against him like it was the only thing he could do anymore. Hajime grabbed at the sheets, the pillows, anything he could touch while his other hand finally slipped under his boxers. The relief was brief because he immediately felt like he couldn't take it slow. He heard Komaeda's moaning in his mind, remembered every detail vividly as if it had actually happened. Komaeda, letting him mark his skin, Komaeda, scratching marks on his back, Komaeda-

Hajime arched his back, desperately twisting his wrist, he just couldn't think anymore. The bed creaked as he moved rhythmically, trying to stop himself from making noise. He was hot in a way only waking up from a wet dream could cause, and hard enough he was pretty sure it was unhealthy. Every little thought he could conjure up in his barely aware mind made him tense up, heat flaring in his bones. It was a haze, filled with nothing but white hair and peaceful smiles and old scars. He remembered sitting in front of Komaeda, fixing his bandages, he remembered the smell of the bath oils and his shampoo. He wished he could have just reached over, touched his legs properly. If he could only drag Komaeda on that bed... _Hinata-kun_ , he would've said, in that infuriatingly calm tone of his, but his face would reveal everything he didn't dare to say. And maybe-

_P-Please, Hinata-kun-_

Hajime pushed his head into the pillow to muffle his moan as he came. He felt himself spill all over his hand, he realized the sheets probably got dirty too. But he was lost, unable to do anything but keep moving his hand desperately as the orgasm refused to end. Even though it was only seconds, by the time he finally stopped, he was panting for air. 

Forcing his breathing to slow down, he fell down on his sheets, exhausted. The ceiling of the cottage was staring back at him.

_Oh god._

_Oh god, oh god, oh god._

As soon as the haze dissipated, everything hit him at once. He knew it would happen, but it's not like that helped at all. 

_What did he just do?_

He just had a wet dream. About Nagito Komaeda.

**Nagito Komaeda.**

But that wasn't even the worst part. The worst part that instead of immediately being horrified, getting up, and attempting to forget about it as soon as possible, he instead did what?  
_He jerked off thinking about it._

Hajime groaned, bringing his arm over his face. He felt his cheeks burning, whether it was with the remnants of his orgasm or shame, he wasn't sure. He could feel drying cum on his stomach. This was somehow humiliating, even though no one was around to see it but him.

Reluctantly, he got up, not wanting to stay in the bed any longer. As he predicted the sheets got dirty, so he stripped them off. Dragging his legs, he headed to the bathroom.

Dirty sheets in the laundry hamper, Hajime looked at himself in the sink mirror. He was absolutely disheveled, his cheeks still reddened and his eyes still glossy. His hair was a mess, but that was nothing new - Izuru's hair grew significantly faster than a regular person's. That's why he used to not bother cutting it. Nowadays long hair would get in the way of his work, so he tried to trim it regularly as best as he could. If he slacked off on it too long, he would start looking like young Naegi. He really didn't need the others pointing that out again.

With a deep sigh, he pried his eyes off of the mirror and got under the shower. He considered a cold one, but it wouldn't exactly help anything now. Groaning, he pressed his forehead against the bathroom tiles, feeling the water wash over him. He wished it would wash away everything that happened that morning, but obviously, it would not.

As much as he wanted to still avoid it as he did up until now, he realized he couldn't do that anymore. Really, it was foolish to try in the first place. 

He clearly had an...issue. 

He had no clue what brought this on. Maybe it was because he was finally starting to relax? He did spend a good portion of his life up to this point in various states of despair and horror. Now, that it was all going away, and everyone was discovering themselves again, it wasn't weird that this sort of this would come up.

Hajime realized with a sort of bitterness that he didn't even think about this stuff until now. He thought about work, about helping his friends, about power plants and surgeries, and self-sustaining farming practices. He didn't think about love, or sex, or even attraction to other people. It didn't seem like something that mattered, it never came up. This was the same since the Kamukura Project. For Izuru, romance was unimportant. It was boring, like everything else. 

But now, it seemed his abandoned libido had decided to make a shocking comeback. It made sense: he didn't even remember the last time he jerked off. His mind might have been busy, but his body was still functional. He was pent up in a way only a couple of years of absolute celibacy can bring.

And if he was just unusually horny, he could deal with that, sure. It'd be a little awkward, feeling it again after such a long time of not feeling anything at all. He could deal with it, though.  
But no, for some reason, it had to not only involve his suddenly reawakened bdsm fascination, but it also had to involve Komaeda.

Nagito fucking Komaeda, of all people. 

It being any of his friends would have been awkward enough, sure. But Komaeda was...different.

He did consider Komaeda his friend, yes. Surprisingly enough, he enjoyed spending time with him, despite the fact that Komaeda was, well, Komaeda. If someone had told him they'd become friends back in the simulation, he might have laughed in their face. But times change, and so do people.  
Quite unexpectedly, Komaeda made Hajime feel calm. He didn't know whether it was the other's tranquil smiles, or his raspy voice that Hajime found weirdly soothing. But there was something of a comfort in someone as unpredictable as Komaeda. Perhaps it was because Hajime himself also felt unpredictable. Despite literally being, well, himself, he still felt alien in his own body sometimes. The personalities of Hinata and Kamukura blended together, and occasionally, they just didn't want to mix. 

Komaeda was strange and confusing, and sometimes downright ridiculous. But that made Hajime feel like he didn't have to try so hard. Around him, Hajime felt like it didn't matter if he got a bit confused himself. Komaeda didn't care when Hajime would start ranting about random science, when he got overly fussy, when he acted bizarre because his own mind couldn't decide on what it wanted. Komaeda just sat there, with his calm smile and messy hair and old coat. Komaeda was comfortable, familiar, and, as ironic as that seemed, Komaeda was safe.

Komaeda was so strange that it made Hajime feel like it was okay to be a bit strange himself.

He knew that, he realized it a while ago, but he never before even considered anything more than that. He took care of Komaeda like he did of everyone, and that was it. He chatted with him on the beach, warm sand beneath their feet, and that was it. He listened to his strange tangents as they drank lemonade on hot summer days, and that was it. He complained when Komaeda wasn't eating well, he dragged him to his checkups, he laughed at his ridiculous whining. And that was it.

But now there was a revelation creeping upon him. He could feel it in the back of his mind, words that he didn't want to spell out to himself. They were begging to be acknowledged, but he refused. They swirled in his head, demanding, annoying. Images of a hand sticking out of a metal cage, a sleepy Komaeda leaning on the side of the bath, a leather collar and sweat and warmth.

Hajime was pretty sure he had never put on a shirt so angrily before. 

Grabbing his bag, he realized it was way too heavy, and groaned. He had left all the stuff he brought for Komaeda in there, completely forgotten. How distracted was he? It was just some books and snacks, but it pissed him off that he got so thrown off his rhythm as to forget about them completely.

It pissed him off, but there was also a distinct feeling he remembered vaguely. It was a feeling from the time when the sky was always on fire and his hair was always in his face. The feeling of something upsetting the status quo, breaking the neverending boredom of predictable events. Something new, something interesting, something exciting. He really couldn't stand this part of his personality. Hadn't they gone through enough? Why did he still get interested in the prospect of the unknown?

That was probably the reason why he **still** hadn't thrown out that stupid book. Dammit.

His abused cottage door creaked pathetically as he closed it and headed for breakfast.

He felt like he had crossed a line. Before he could force himself to not think about it, or at least try to, he could ignore the whispers of emotions that coursed through him and pretend like everything was normal. But that just didn't feel like an option anymore.  
He had jerked off to a wet dream about Komaeda, for fucks sake. Hiyoko always said he was dense, but he wasn't that dense. 

Even if he really, really wanted to pretend like he was. Maybe, if he just forgot all about it, maybe if he just acted like nothing ever happened. No touching hands, no prolonged stares, no stupid books and no idiotic wet dreams.  
Maybe then he could pretend he wasn't having any strange thoughts at all, that he was just worried about Komaeda because he was worried about everyone. Maybe he could just treat his wounds, and help him bathe, and bring him food, and not think about cages and warm hands and leather collars. 

_If he could only just not think._

"Hajime? Hello?"

Mahiru's voice brought him out of his stupor. She had somehow started walking next to him, and he didn't realize. 

"Ah, good morning, Mahiru" he smiled quickly, trying to cover up any traces of his internal struggle, "Sorry, I was just lost in thought"

"I realized" she smiled a little cheekily at him, "Well, just make sure you get it under control, alright? We're getting a shipment today. You need to be in good shape for the stocktaking" she made a stern expression, but it was familiar enough that Hajime just chuckled.

"I know, I know" he was glad for the distraction, "Although Imposter does most of the work with shipments anyway. I'm just there to stand around and look all serious"

It felt a little weird calling someone just 'Imposter' at first, but he got used to it eventually. It seemed to make them somewhat happy, being called by something else than just the name of whatever person they were wearing that day. Even if it wasn't really a name, it was one of the only things they felt were unique to them. That's what they told Hajime, anyway.

"Don't say that" Mahiru shook her head, "You realize if you two weren't there, it would just be chaos. Some people around here are really childish, you know?"

"It's alright" Hajime smiled, "It's good that they are. I mean, I just think it's maybe necessary, you know? We should remember to have fun, too"

Mahiru stared at him for a moment, but nodded.

"If only you practiced what you preach, I might agree with you then" her voice suggested she was making light of him just a little bit.

"I have fun a lot, I do" it came out sounding a lot more defensive than he intended.

"Whatever you say" Mahiru didn't look convinced.

They walked together in comfortable silence before she spoke up again.

"Anyway, I actually wanted to ask, did you manage to find Komaeda? I still haven't seen him. I'm starting to get really worried now" the genuine look of concern on her face made Hajime immediately flare up with guilt.

"I did" he really couldn't lie about this.

"You did?" Mahiru was clearly surprised, "Where is he?"

"He's, um, not feeling well" this wasn't that far from the truth, "He's staying in his cottage for now"

"Really?" the look of concern only got worse, "If he hadn't been leaving his cottage at all, it must be pretty bad. Jeez, did he eat something strange again?" she visibly tried to cover up her worry.

"That was Ibuki" Hajime reminded her, "And she didn't even get that sick, she just puked it all out and was fine, like, an hour later"

There were very few things that could stop Ibuki, and food poisoning was not one of them.

"Oh, right. That's true" a fond smile made its way onto Mahiru's face, "But, then, what's wrong with Komaeda? Do you know?"

"He's okay" Hajime immediately asserted.

"He's clearly not" Mahiru narrowed her eyes, "If he was okay, why would he be hiding in his cottage?"

She had a point. Dammit.

"Okay, it's-" Hajime tried to find his words, "He's just been a bit anxious. I can't really say anything more" 

"Ah" a look of understanding immediately showe up on her face, "I see. Sorry, I didn't mean to pry. I just assumed-" she looked away, "No, I get it. It's not my place to intrude. I'm glad he's, uh, not sick or anything"

She seemed a bit awkward, but Hajime knew she did understand well. She'd gone through a lot herself, after all. He was actually glad it was Mahiru out of all people he had to disclose Komaeda's whereabouts to. She was sure to keep a secret, and more importantly, she knew what it meant to want to hide away from the world.

Hajime had took care of all of them in different ways, and she had those long, slow conversations with him, too. She understood.

"It's okay" quite frankly, Hajime was glad someone was worried about Komaeda, even just a little, "I'm kind of, uh, taking care of him. Until he feels better, you know"

Not like he actually knew how to make that happen yet, but oh well. At least he was trying.

"Well, if that's how it is, then I guess it's fine" she huffed a little, "But you better take responsibility now, okay? You're a reliable guy, and he's definitely counting on you. Komaeda's a little weird, sure-" she looked hesitant, "But I want him to be okay, too, you know? We all deserve a calm life" she nodded confidently, "And I still need to get that picture. So make sure he gets better soon" 

"I'll try my best" Hajime smiled.

Mahiru could be overwhelming at times, but her stern personality was something he appreciated. Having someone hold him accountable felt like he was bearing a little bit less of the burden by himself.

He wondered about her words as they entered the restaurant. Komaeda was counting on him? Was he really?

It didn't sound right, but then again, it was Komaeda they were talking about. It was a strange thought, that he would ever count on anyone - he clearly trusted no one, his bad luck having long made him believe that every relationship he had with another person would end in disaster. Not like he was exactly proven wrong so far, Hajime thought bitterly.

But Komaeda did seem to be more comfortable around Hajime, at least. He let himself be taken care of at the hospital, but more than that, he also letthe brown-haired boy hang out with him basically whenever he wanted. Did he just believe in Hajime's superior luck or...?

Hajime shook his head. He really needed to think about something besides Komaeda now.

Various good mornings were exchanged as Hajime and Mahiru entered the restaurant. Everyone was already up to something or other, mostly less or more energetic conversation. Hajime noted that Ryota had actually shown up today, clearly half asleep.

"Morning" Hajime sat next to him, grabbing a piece of toast, "Didn't sleep well?"

"Didn't sleep at all" Ryota was rubbing at his eyes.

"He didn't even realize it was morning already," Imposter, sitting next to him, spoke up, "When I came to get him, he was completely lost in, what was, it, again?" they looked over at their friend.

"Cowboy Bebop!" Ryouta actually perked up at the question, "I told you already! It's like, a classic of classics! I can't believe we found it, and it's the entire thing, too. That's just so lucky. You know, when it premiered, they only aired twelve episodes, because they thought it was-"

Hajime listened to Ryouta get progressively more excited while he drank his coffee. Imposter would occasionally put something on Ryouta's plate, and nudge him when he ignored it in favor of talking. Hajime felt a certain kind of fondness swell up in him, the sort he always got seeing his friends calm and satisfied. This was so much better than he had ever hoped for at the beginning.

Having finished his breakfast, Hajime started to think about how he was going to slip away this time. He didn't have cleaning duty now, so it wouldn't be that easy. There were only so many times one could stay in the kitchen before someone would start asking questions.

Before he could consider it, however, he was cornered by a clearly nervous Kazuichi.

"Hey, so-" Kazuichi was whispering, which only made him look more suspicious, "How is...you know?"

"He's okay" Hajime lifted a brow at his friend's frankly dramatic antics.

Kazuichi was like that. One moment he was the most relaxed person around, the other he was freaking out because Hiyoko told him there was a nest of poisonous spiders in the warehouse.

"And you? He didn't...do anything to you, right?" Kazuichi eyed him like Hajime was about to grow a third arm or something.

That question, as ridiculous as it was, sounded really wrong to Hajime. No, Komaeda didn't do anything to him, except smile at him, and hold his hand, and rest his face against it. And look really cute doing all of that. Kazuichi should have been asking if Hajime did anything to Komaeda instead, because he was able to vividly imagine a lot of things he could do.

He already had imagined them, that morning.

"Of course not" he masked his embarrassment with annoyance, "He's not dangerous, Kazuichi"

"You don't sound very sure" Kazuichi narrowed his eyes, "And he threatened to set everything on fire! Did you forget already? Well I didn't!" his whispering had devolved into something more akin to wheezy screaming.

"He wouldn't do that" Hajime tried to reassure his 'soul bro', "Your cottage and skin are safe"

"Well, I trust you, I guess" Kazuichi seemed to finally calm down a little, "But be careful. He's kinda unpredictable, you know?"

"He's not the one that built a mecha suit out of tank parts" Hajime lifted a brow at Kazuichi.

"Hey, that was only because Ryouta asked!" Kazuichi tried to defend himself, "I just wanted to get to know him a little, you know, start a conversation. He was really shy, like, worse than Mikan. But then I showed him one of the Minimarus, and he totally went off the rails! He kept talking my ear off about some evangelical or something. How was I supposed to decline?" 

"I think you meant 'Evangelion'" Hajime murmured, mostly to himself.

"And it was supposed to be just like, a costume," Kazuichi was not listening anyway, "But then I got too excited, and it just got out of hand! I swear!"

'Got out of hand' was putting it lightly. It took the strength of both Hajime and Nekomaru to get the poor Ryouta stuck in the mech suit off of a tree.

"The flying function was really unnecessary" Hajime summarised.

"Uh, yeah, probably" Kazuichi looked embarrassed, "Anyway, if you sure you're okay, then I believe you" he gave Hajime his signature confident grin and a thumbs up.

"Thank you" Hajime appreciated it, "And if you could please not mention anything about this to the others for now"

"No problem bro!" Kazuichi lifted his hands above his head in a relaxed gesture, "I don't exactly want people to know I built a giant person-holding cage either" 

"I guess not" Hajime chuckled. 

They did a fist bump and Kazuichi waved to him as he left the restaurant. Hajime exhaled, glad that Kazuichi was going to try and keep the secret, but also worried. 

Because now he was alone with his thoughts again, and that really didn't end well for him recently.

If someone saw him preparing the food, they would probably think he was mildly insane. He looked like a lunatic, chaotically throwing stuff around. His Ultimate abilities ensured he didn't break anything, but that only meant he could get away with feats of bowl and pan-related acrobatics normal people never would. 

And the worst part was, it wasn't even helping, because the food obviously made him think of Komaeda. Did Komaeda like strawberry or blackberry jam? Did he put butter on toast or eat it plain? Did he like sugar in his coffee? Dammit, he should have paid attention last time. Maybe Komaeda didn't care? He said he didn't eat breakfast normally, so...

Hajime was glad everyone seemed to have already headed out somewhere, because he really didn't feel like answering questions about why he was stomping angrily on every piece of grass on his way to Komaeda's cottage.

He didn't hesitate before knocking this time, intend on just ripping it off like a bandaid. 

"Good morning" he forced his voice to remain calm as he entered.

His composure was shattered about five seconds into the attempt, however.

Komaeda was lying with his head upside down, hanging down from the mattress. His legs were up in the air, hoisted against the cage bars, and he looked to be observing something. Well, now he was observing Hajime, his eyes drifting over his form slowly.

Hajime stood in the entrance for a moment, pondering if he should just turn away and leave.

"...what are you doing?" he asked instead, finally closing the door behind him.

"Exercise" the short answer came, Komaeda making no move to change his position.

Hajime inhaled a little. Exercise. Right.

On the bright side, this did solve the problem Hajime was worried about before he came here. Namely, it distracted him from thinking about the dream. He's had some...strange dreams involving his friends before (although they were decidedly less sexy and more just plain disturbing) and it always made for an awkward morning greeting afterward. But he was clearly worried about nothing, as Komaeda seemed to be an exception. Seeing someone trying to apparently practice yoga inside a cage was just stupid enough to make Hajime relax.

"I don't understand what form of exercise this is" he stated, crouching down, "But I think you should take a break and have breakfast now"

He tried very hard to ignore the way Komaeda's shirt was riding up his stomach. Or the way his legs seemed way longer than he remembered them.

_Okay, maybe he wasn't entirely as relaxed as he thought he was._

"I guess I will" Komaeda decided after a moment of excruciating silence, and flipped himself over to a more regular position.

Hajime waited patiently as he searched for the key under the mattress. So it was closed today, huh? Hajime wondered what changed, but he quickly got his answer. When Komaeda found the key, he stared at it for a moment, and then, reached his hand through the cage bars, handing it to Hajime.

The brown-haired boy tried not to show his surprise. Komaeda wanted him to open the cage?

Determined not to hinder any progress, he grabbed it decisively and started working on the locks. He realized Komaeda's gaze was following him intently, and despite his controlled, _Ultimate_ , hands, he still felt like he would make a mistake. He remembered how this stare used to make him feel unnerved, back when Komaeda was just a chaotic enigma to him. Now, he felt like it was still unnerving, but for entirely different reasons.

He tried not to audibly sigh with relief as the last lock clicked.

Komaeda made no move again, so Hajime opened the cage door, a bit more confidently this time around. However, when he reached with the tray, Komaeda actually took it from him. 

"Thank you" Komaeda gave him a calm smile, and if Hajime wasn't busy trying to act natural, he would have probably felt a bit happy.

Komaeda was looking a lot better today, the still remaining responsible part of his brain told him. The dark circles under his eyes looked smaller, and his movements were clearly more animated. Hajime felt himself delve into analyzing facts as Komaeda got to eating his breakfast. The first time Hajime came to see him, Komaeda looked tired, which was explained by the nightmares. The second time, it almost seemed worse. But then, something must have changed. Was it the bath? He did seem to fall asleep very peacefully after it, so maybe?

He realized the sounds of chewing were gone and snapped his head back up. Komaeda was staring at him, half-eaten toast in his hand.

 _Strawberry jam, no butter_ , Hajime's mind oh so helpfully offered.

"What?" 

"...nothing" Komaeda shrugged at him and went back to working on his toast.

Desperate to have something else to focus on besides the boy in front of him, Hajime remembered his bag.

"Oh, right" he reached for it, sinking his hand inside, "I brought some things for you, I hope you don't mind?" He took out a couple of books, "I thought you must have been getting bored in here"

Komaeda looked surprised, eyeing the stack in his hand.

"I remembered you mentioning you liked mystery novels, so I asked Sonia for some recommendations" he showed off the covers of some of the books, "I think they might be a bit, you know, dark?" he chuckled, "But she does have great taste when it comes to interesting plot, at least from what she recommended to me"

"Hinata-kun..." Komaeda was looking lost, eyeing him and the books intently.

"If you don't like them, I can bring you something else-" 

"N-No, I'm sure I'll like them" Komaeda almost snatched the books from him, "But, um, you really didn't have to. I'm fine in here, you know. I mean, yes, I mostly just lay around and stare at the ceiling all day but," he was clutching the books close to his chest, "It's what I deserve, anyway"

The last part was quiet, but Hajime's hearing was too good to have it slip past him.

"What you deserve is a safe and peaceful future, Komaeda" Hajime didn't even realize he raised his voice, "Like all of us. And I will keep repeating that until you agree with me" 

He didn't remember how many times he had said something similar already, but he was ready to say it a hundred times more if he had to. This was his decision from the start, after all. Not everything could be forgiven, but the moment he decided to wake everyone up, he knew they would have to try and put the past behind them. Because the past was way too horrifying, and they, in the end, were just barely adults trying to survive in a destroyed world. They needed each other, more than they needed justice or retribution.

It wasn't like everyone was convinced from the start, but slowly, one by one, they began trying. It was awkward, sure (talking to people you directly or indirectly murdered usually tends to be) but they were trying, and as long as they wanted to, Hajime knew they would eventually get there. A safe and peaceful future, that was what he decided. It was his own form of trying to make up for the past, he supposed. 

And he kept repeating it, because he believed in it. He just wished he could know if it actually got to Komaeda at all.

It didn't seem like it did, but the other boy still placed the books away neatly near his mattress.

"...thank you" he finally spoke, "I'll make sure to read them all thoroughly. I'm certain they will be great since someone as wonderful and talented as Nevermind-san had chosen them" 

"Right" Hajime did a small eye-roll, but was glad Komaeda had accepted the gift.

"I brought some snacks, too" he reached into his bag again, "Since I was at the supermarket anyway"

The supermarket, obviously, wasn't fully stocked at all times anymore as it had been in the simulation. But when they got inside, they still discovered some old commercial refrigerators and a lot of storage space. Since Kazuichi fixed most of the fridges, they were now being used as storage for any food that couldn't be kept in the warehouse.

"It's just some sweets and uh," Hajime eyed the can he was holding with something akin to disgust, "I remembered you like this stuff, so"

Blue Ram was not part of Hajime's proper nutritional plan for Komaeda, but he supposed a little wouldn't hurt.

"Hinata-kun, this is way too generous for someone like me" Komaeda looked like he didn't know what to with his hands, "Of course, I'm grateful to receive anything you give me! Even if it's complete trash! But, um, are you really sure about this? Someone probably needs this more than me..." he trailed off, fidgeting.

"No, I'm pretty sure no one else wants to drink this stuff, Komaeda" Hajime scoffed at the can, "Except maybe for Gundham, but I think he just believes it's like, 'demonic unholy wine from the mountains of eternal terror' or something like that" 

He loved Gundham dearly, but it didn't change the fact he still couldn't understand half of the stuff he was saying.

"Hinata-kun is really thoughtful, huh?" Komaeda looked a bit less nervous, at least, "You even remembered the likes of someone as worthless as me. You are truly a wonderful person" he smiled, content in his own opinion.

_No, it's more like I have a problem with noticing every detail about you, even when I don't want to. Oh yeah, coffee with two spoons of sugar, no cream._

Hajime cleared his throat.

"Right" he left the snacks on the floor of the cage, and closed his bag again, "Tell me when you get done with these books, I'll take them back and bring some new ones. The electronic card system works already, so-"

"It does?" Komaeda was suprised, "I didn't know"

"Yeah, Kazuichi just got done with it. We've cleaned the pool too. Nekomaru was already talking about starting water aerobics classes. Apparently, they're good for athletic injuries?" Hajime hoped he wouldn't get roped into it, but knew well he probably would.

"Is that so..."

Komaeda looked distant for a moment. Hajime caught an almost sad look in his eyes, but it was gone as soon as it came. The white-haired boy smiled calmly at him.

"I hope everyone has a lot of fun. It must have been such a hopeful sight, everyone using their talents to work towards a common goal is-"

"Akane had an entire bookshelf fall on her" Hajime cut in, "Because she thought it was a good idea to try and climb on top of it to rearrange the books. Fuyuhiko got stuck, because someone took away the ladder while he was still in the pool" Hajime smiled, "He also refused to call for help because then we would realize he was too short to escape. That pool is weirdly deep, to be fair. We still don't know who took the ladder, but most people are betting on Hiyoko. Not that we can prove anything"

Komaeda looked at him silently as he talked, it was clear how focused he was. Someone else might have not noticed, but Hajime had experience in figuring out Komaeda's facial expressions. The boy was interested in what the others were doing, as much as he would probably pretend otherwise if asked. There was an unmistakable longing in his features.

"Aaah, this is definitely bad luck" Komaeda shook his head slowly, "Getting so much attention from Hinata-kun...and gifts..." he touched the books with the palm of his hand, "I should be more excited, after all, if the bad luck is going to be so extreme, the good luck will be even better. But I'm not sure..." he looked tired all of a sudden.

"Then don't be" Hajime got up, grabbing the empty tray and his bag.

"What do you mean, Hinata-kun?" Komaeda looked up at him.

There was a stretch of silence, the question ringing in Hajime's head.

"I don't entirely know yet" Hajime wasn't looking at him, but his voice was steady, "But I'll figure it out. Komaeda..." he turned around to lock their eyes now.

_I want to see you happy._

"Hinata-kun...?" 

But Hajime wasn't responding, stuck. It was such a simple thought, such an obvious one, but for some reason, he couldn't leave it alone. There was something about that feeling he didn't fully understand.

"I'll see you in the evening" he finally declared, and headed for the door immediately.

He didn't look back to see Komaeda staring at him from behind the steel bars this time. But as soon as he closed the door behind him, he felt his world spin again. He covered his mouth with his hand, steadying himself.

There was a simmering feeling in his chest, the realization wanting to be released. He resisted, he wasn't ready yet. He needed to know more, he needed to figure this out.

He needed to talk to somebody.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> komaeda can have a little blue ram, as a treat :)
> 
> ryota and imposter make an appearance bc i love those two caring abt each other. actually I just love writing all the dr2 squad in general. we need some shenanigans to distract hajime from his own denial ok 
> 
> not like its working lmao
> 
> next chapter/the one after that is when stuff should pick up a little, and we will get more komaeda&hajime hanging out doing things. stay tuned for things i guess. and by things i mean more yearning :)))


	6. Take your time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hajime decides to ask a friend for advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello there!! <3   
> just wanted to say i was actually supposed to post two chapters today, but didn't manage to finish the other one on time (it's 2 am where i live rn lmao). it's almost done though, and i will be posting it tomorrow as soon as i can! this chapter is actually more of a prelude to the other one, so that's why it's a little short  
> hope you enjoy <3

The wind was blowing in a different direction yet again, and Hajime got his face slapped with a sheet. Pushing it away with his hand, he walked to the other side of the clothesline, trying to avoid the assault. That worked for about two minutes, before the wind changed once more.

Hajime groaned, mouth full of cotton fabric, and heard Mikan giggle slightly next to him.

"A-ah, s-sorry Hajime, I-" she realized he noticed her, "I-I wasn't laughing a-at you..."

"Well, you should have been" he declared, trying to get one of his countless button-ups away from his face, "I definitely look ridiculous right now"

Mikan was taken aback but started to vehemently state that no, Hajime looked very respectable and not at all like he was waging a war against laundry.

"The wind is quite annoying today, isn't it" agreed Peko, who looked to have absolutely no issues avoiding the flapping clothes.

She appeared to be getting out of the way at the last moment every time, like she was avoiding enemy attacks.

"At least they'll dry quickly" Hajime dropped the remaining laundry clips into his basket, and picked it up, "And it doesn't seem like it's gonna rain"

"It never rains when it's your turn for the laundry room, Hajime" Peko smiled a little, "I have to admit, I appreciate us being assigned together. It's quite convenient, not ever having to worry about my laundry" she lifted up her own basket.

Since they only had three washing machines and quite a lot of laundry between sixteen people, they all took turns in the laundry room and using the clotheslines in groups. Kazuichi kept stating he'd build more, but always ended up being busy with fixing something more pressing. Besides, Hajime was afraid a washing machine built by Kazuichi might have jet engines or something.

"Y-Yes, I actually, um..." Mikan was fidgeting with her last shirt, "After we do our l-laundry, I t-tend to u-use the opportunity to um, go look for s-stuff farther away, s-since..." she sent Hajime a shy smile, "I-I can always be s-sure I won't be c-caught by rain..."

"I think everyone does that" Peko agreed, "There's no better time to scavenge in the wilderness than Hajime's laundry day"

"I'm...glad to be of help?" Hajime laughed a bit awkwardly.

At least his Ultimate Luck was useful for something besides tormenting him with weird books, be supposed.

"A-Actually, um, P-Pekoya...Peko" Mikan stumbled a little but persisted, "W-would you maybe l-like to, uh, go together today? I f-found some i-interesting l-looking herbs in t-the forest n-near the ruins but. I'm a little afraid t-to go any further alone" she looked hopefully towards Peko.

"You collect herbs?" the swordswoman asked, as they started to head back to the laundry room.

"A-Ah, yes!" Mikan's face lit up, "I-I'm not the Ultimate Pharmacist o-or anything, but I still know a little about conventional natural remedies. Chamomile, Marshmallow root, Ginger, Valerian... there are so many useful herbs and roots. I can't get them all on this i-island, of course, since we're in a tropical zone, b-but. I've been reading books about local flora and-" she trailed off, realizing she'd been rambling again.

"I would love to go with you" Peko seemed genuinely interested, "And actually, if I may ask, have you considered maybe starting a herb garden? Then you wouldn't have to go out to look for them"

"A-ah, that w-would be l-lovely, but..." Mikan fidgeted with her basket, "I e-even have some roots and seeds, from the shipments. B-but I don't think they will t-take in this h-humidity, s-some of them..."

"Maybe you two could ask Kazuichi to build you a controlled greenhouse?" Hajime chimed in, "Like the ones we have right now for some of the vegetables. I'm sure he'd have no problem building something smaller for medicinal herbs"

"I-I wouldn't want to b-bother him" Mikan looked unsure.

"I think we should ask" Peko insisted, "I...actually wanted to try gardening, so I was thinking I could help you. If you'd like that, of course" she smiled.

"...g-gladly" Mikan smiled back, just a little more vigor in her step.

"I'll be looking forward to your work, then" Hajime encouraged, "I would love to have some chamomile tea sometime"

_I wonder if it could help with Komaeda's nervousness._

Aw, dammit, he wasn't supposed to be thinking about him right now.

"Ah, right" he remembered at the last moment as they put away their things in the laundry house, "Did you two maybe see Sonia anywhere?"

"I think she's at the ranch with Gundham" Peko answered, "At least that's what they were talking about this morning"

"Thanks! See you at the stocktaking later!" Hajime waved to them as he jogged away.

Sonia, right. Hajime decided he wanted to talk to somebody about his recent...confusing thoughts. He debated on it for a while, but no one seemed more appropriate. He considered Mahiru at first, but she knew about Komaeda, so Hajime suddenly asking about stuff like that may have made her suspicious. Kazuichi was his 'soul bro', sure, and he trusted him with his life, but this was very much the sort of thing he'd prefer to absolutely never mention to him. 

Sonia just seemed like the logical choice. She was great with people, sensitive enough to take him seriously, and, well, she **was** a princess, after all. Princesses must know about things like that, right?

Even if she was a princess currently busy chasing a cow around.

"Come back here, my beacon of darkness, the forgotten holder of an ancient nectar of gods, I must rule over you!" 

Gundham was yelling, his booming voice resounding against the ranch borders as he tried to corner the animal.

"Hajime, get her!" Sonia shouted excitedly, pointing at the cow.

The cow which was now coming at Hajime with very high speed.

"Ah!" he was startled, but held his ground, waving his hands frantically.

Thankfully, his presence was apparently still scary enough to stop a cow, at least. The animal put on the brakes with a loud 'moo', finally coming to a standstill with its nose a few centimeters away from Hajime's face.

"uh...there, there?" Hajime hesitantly reached out and pet the cow's head. She seemed to calm down at least a little.

"Good job, Hajime!" Sonia ran over to them, rope in hand, "We were afraid she'd get away. Radical action!" she winked at him extremely aggressively, which made the already awkward phrase even worse.

Hajime would never get used to that. Never.

"Um, why is she here, exactly?" Hajime observed as Gundham put the rope around the cow's neck.

"We were transferring her to a different stable since she's pregnant" Sonia pointed at the cow's belly with excitement, "But she got startled by something on the way there"

"You must now return to your deep, dark abode, o future mother of demon spawn!" Gundham smiled as he patted the cows back.

The cow didn't seem offended in the slightest by the nickname.

"I see you two are busy," Hajime said, "but could I maybe borrow you for a moment, Sonia?"

"Sure. I was about to take a break anyway. I shall accompany you" she looked over at Gundham, who nodded.

"Thanks" Hajime smiled, gesturing for her to follow him.

They made their way over to the horse paddock, and Hajime sat on the fencing. The part that wasn't built by Kazuichi, mind you.

"Did you need help with something?" Sonia smiled at him, leaning on the fence herself.

Hajime was silent for a moment, observing the horses. They were grazing leisurely, their long tails waving as they chased away flies. The grass seemed weirdly green today. It was a sunny day, so maybe it was just the light.

"I...wanted to ask you something" now that he was actually doing this, Hajime kind of didn't know where to start.

"Of course, Hajime" Sonia nodded.

Hajime fiddled with his hands a bit.

"This may come a little out of nowhere but..." he looked at her, "Do you, um, maybe. Do you care about someone?"

Sonia lifted her eyebrows in surprise.

"I-I mean" Hajime felt absolutely idiotic, but had to keep going, "Like, do you know that feeling when you're constantly worried about someone, even when nothing is really wrong? Is that just being silly or-"

"You mean if I fancy someone?" she cocked her head to the side.

"N-not necessarily!" he lifted his hands up defensively, "But like...When you just pay extreme attention to someone even though there's no reason for it? Like you notice the dumbest things, and you just really want to always make sure they're okay and just be around them even though-"

"I do" she cut him off, smiling a little.

Hajime held his breath.

"You do?"

"Yes" she looked over at the horses, her expression serene.

After a moment of silence, she spoke again.

"It's the feeling of knowing someone is special, for one reason or another. They might be a very important friend, or someone you like, or maybe just someone you barely know but are fascinated by. We all have people like that. Whether it's a romantic or platonic feeling, they are always there. People we always worry about, always want to be around. People we want to understand more, people we want to be honest with, but at the same time, we are terrified of revealing too much about ourselves to, because we fear rejection"

Hajime looked at her in amazement.

"That's...very poetic?"

"Thanks!" she laughed suddenly, "It's from a classical book from my kingdom"

"...ah?" Hajime was taken aback.

"You know, I had to spend a lot of time studying literature. It's a must for a princess" she smiled at him, "I liked that book the best. It was actually a very exciting murder-romance-mystery. The killer was someone you'd never expect" her eyes lit up.

"Is that so?" Hajime had no clue where this conversation was going.

"Mhm" Sonia looked away again, "Back then, I don't think I fully understood it. I remember it well since I read it so many times, but. I think I only get it now" her expression was a bit mysterious.

They were silent again for a moment. Sonia's ponytail was blowing in the wind, giving her an even more fairytale appearance than usual.

"You look worried" she stated, making eye contact with him.

"I do?" 

"Mhm" she nodded, "Well, to be fair, you always do. You are kind of a worrywart, Hajime" she laughed a little.

Well, she wasn't wrong, he had to admit. 

"But, you seem very worried about whatever it is that you're feeling right now in particular. Why?" she looked over at him, gaze questioning.

"...what do you mean, why?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Why are you worried that you care about someone?" 

That question made him pause. Sonia was staring at him with a calm smile, awaiting his answer.

_Why am I worried that I...?_

"It's not like that" he shook his head, but there was no conviction in his voice, "I just...don't understand it"

"Understand it?" she questioned.

Yes, Hajime felt like he didn't understand. He didn't understand why he liked looking at Komaeda. Why he liked sitting on the other side of the cage, observing as Komaeda devoured his food and talked nonsense. Why he liked washing his hair, wrapping his wounds, laughing at his ridiculous remarks. Why he liked the little flare of embarrassment and annoyance whenever Komaeda made fun of him.  
Why he wanted to _see Komaeda happy_.

The implication seemed obvious, and yet, he felt like he couldn't just accept it.

Despite his wide knowledge in a variety of subjects, this made his head hurt. Not just because of how sudden it was, but also because it was the one area he felt unsure in. The last person he ever remembered feeling anything remotely similar to that was, well. 

_Chiaki._

He didn't even have the opportunity to realize his own feelings back then. One moment she was there, the other she wasn't. He'd lost her out of his own idiocy. And then it happened again, because the universe just couldn't let him catch a break. Those were his only real memories of anything resembling those warm, fluttery sentiments everyone talked about. And they were soiled with pain, guilt, and a feeling of loss he would probably carry for the rest of his life. 

All he had left was a memory and a promise.

He realized he really had no clue about attraction, or romance, or sex, or anything. He had no plan here, and that scared him, because for quite some time now, he'd always had a plan. That was his role. He knew what to do, he was the specialist, the capable one, the reliable Ultimate Hope Hajime Hinata. He was the glue holding everyone and everything together.

And now he was freaking out because of a couple of weird thoughts and a stupid dream. 

"You clearly look concerned about it" Sonia's voice brought him out of his own head, "But is that not a happy feeling?"

_A happy feeling?_

"To be able to look over at someone and feel calm just because you get to be close to them" she said it so lightly as if it was obvious, "To appreciate things about them no one else notices. To feel like there's something special, something that will always be there only between you and them"

Hajime couldn't answer, thoughts buzzing in his head.

"That was how I always imagined it, you know" she was looking at the horizon again.

"Imagined?" 

"I told you before, did I not? In my kingdom, I am a princess before I am a person"

She was still not able to speak of her kingdom in past tense, Hajime realized. But her features were remarkably calm. 

"A princess shall never play favorites. The only people I'm allowed to care about are my subjects"

"What about your parents?" Hajime looked over, surprised, "Or, like, friends?"

Sonia shook her head.

"No one comes before my people. I can cherish those close to me, especially my family, but. If a relationship like that happens to get in the way of what's best for the kingdom, I shall nullify it. It's only what's expected of me as a princess. No matter how much I care about someone, I need to always be ready to abandon them for the greater good if the need arises"

Hajime was silent again, not knowing what to say. Was there anything he could say to that at all?

"That is why I always believed it to be a happy feeling. Even if it would be painful, like in all of these old novels I had to read - I always thought it was something one should be grateful for being able to experience" she leaned on her hand, smiling.

"...did you get to experience it?" Hajime spoke quietly, unsure.

"I told you. I did" she grinned at him, "And then I understood why it's not something a princess should ever have"

"Why?"

Her expression became serious.

"Because I would be ready to burn my kingdom to the ground to protect that feeling" she spoke quietly.

Hajime didn't say anything, but slowly brushed his hand over hers. She grabbed it, squeezing, gratefulness expressed quietly. She was still not good at letting her emotions out.

"But that doesn't matter now" she smiled, carefree again, "Because I'm not even a real princess anymore" 

Hajime squeezed her hand harder again for a moment.

"You are a real princess. An Ultimate Princess" his voice was more confident now, "I have never met anyone more deserving of that title"

Her features softened again.

"Thank you" she nodded, letting go of his hand.

They sat together on the railing for a quiet moment, looking over the paddock. A horse came closer, visibly looking for treats. Sonia laughed quietly and pet its head.

"I think you should try to let go a little, Hajime" she spoke again, curling her fingers behind the animal's ear, "You are always trying so hard for all of us. If there's something you want to do, I believe you more than deserve to take your time and do it. We're okay, you know?" she sent him a certain look, and Hajime felt like she was seeing through him.

_I know. Of course I know. But that doesn't mean I know how to stop worrying about you._

"Be around that person you care about. Do the things you want to do for them. Think about the things you want to think about" Sonia spoke calmly.

"Take your time, Hajime" she smiled at him.

There was an implication there, one that neither of them had to say out loud. It was an implication obvious to anyone who survived an apocalypse, who woke up only to find everything they had ever cared about gone.

_Take your time, because you never know when it will run out._

As she spoke, something loosened in Hajime. A heavy feeling in his stomach, one he didn't even realize was there, suddenly gave way. He felt his mind unravel just a little bit, nothing clear yet, but lighter, somehow. 

He wasn't perfectly sure if he knew what it meant to take his time. He wasn't ready to ask himself the most difficult questions. He wasn't ready to think about everything at once. But he could start. He wanted to.

"I think..." he smiled back at her, a little hesitantly, "I think I might try that"

She grinned.

_A happy feeling._

Hajime pondered on it again as he ate, the chatter of the restaurant surrounding him. Ryouta had fallen asleep in his chair, and Imposter was packing food for him in plastic containers. Mahiru was complaining that Hiyoko had spilled sauce on her kimono again. Nekomaru, Akane, and Teruteru were engaged in what seemed like a passionate debate about the benefits of Mexican food. Fuyhiko and Pekoyama were whispering something, most likely a lot more mundane than it would appear from their suspicious aura. Mikan seemed to be trying to explain something to Kazuichi, but was being interrupted by Ibuki trying to play with her hair. Sonia was laughing about something, Gundham hiding his face in his scarf with embarrassment.

Taking their time, Hajime thought.

"Hajime, have you tried any eclairs?" Hanamura suddenly appeared in front of him.

He tended to do that, most likely a side effect of his small stature. It always felt like he showed up out of thin air. 

"Um, no?" Hajime looked over at the pastries, just a couple remaining on the table.

"You definitely must! I will not tolerate you ignoring my desserts!" the chef chastised him.

Hajime scratched his head awkwardly. He wasn't that big of a fan of sweets, not really. They were fine occasionally but...

A thought came, and this time, Hajime let himself consider it slowly.

"...can I maybe take some to go? I need to be somewhere still and-"

"Fine, fine, just make sure you don't crush them" Teruteru packed a few eclairs into a container, "Looks are very important for french cuisine" 

"I'll make sure to remember" Hajime nodded, taking the food from him.

_Take your time._

He could try.

"H-Hinata-kun?"

Komaeda basically crawled out from underneath the blankets, a confused look on his face.

"I, um" Hajime was standing in front of the cage, a container of eclairs in his hand, "I...brought...pastries?"

They stared each other down for a moment, Hajime's nervous gaze meeting Komaeda's curious one.

"...pastries" Komaeda mused, watching the container in his hands.

He had an open book in hand, which Hajime recognized as part of the stack he'd brought over earlier. Komaeda put it away slowly, marking a page with what looked like a cookie wrapper.

Hajime sat down, grabbing the cage door without thinking. But it gave easily. Not locked this time.

"You're gonna make the bad luck worse, you know" Komaeda complained as Hajime took the eclairs out, "Visiting me suddenly like that only a few hours after breakfast...that's unbelievably good luck. I might even die, you know?" he laughed quietly.

His voice was as calm as ever, but he did look happy. The light coming from the window illuminated his face softly, the bars of the cage creating a peculiar shadow. He was holding himself a bit more carefree today, it seemed. The familiar hoodie was back, draped across his shoulders. His legs were crossed leisurely, half-hanging off the mattress. He looked like the embodiment of a lazy day of staying in.

_Does it still count as staying in if you don't ever leave?_

"Don't joke about that" Hajime narrowed his eyes at him, "And I don't see how me coming here was caused by your luck, anyway"

"Eh? Isn't it obvious?" Komaeda questioned, "I must be extremely lucky if Hinata-kun would take time out of his day just to bring me pastries"

Hajime tried to avoid thinking about how...appreciative Komaeda was of him. It's just because you're talented, don't think too much about it-

"There's nothing lucky about it" he shook his head, "I came because I wanted to"

"But that's impossible" Komaeda laughed again, "Why would Hinata-kun ever _want_ to come talk to me? It's such a waste of time, talking to trash like me..."

A waste of time, huh?

"And who gets to decide that?" Hajime scoffed at him a little.

Komaeda was clearly unprepared for the question.

"I'm the one who decides what's a waste of my time and what isn't" Hajime crossed his arms on his chest, "I can do whatever I damn please, Komaeda. And even if I do want to waste my time, I will" he asserted himself, "There's nothing you can do to stop me"

Komaeda was staring at him, fidgeting with his coat.

"Of course there isn't!" he lifted his hands a little, "I would never dare suggest I have any control over Hinata-kun. Although I am of an opinion that such an incredible Ultimate as yourself should spend their time in more hopeful ways, if this is your decision, then there is nothing I can do to change it" he nodded but was obviously still nervous.

Back then, maybe, Hajime thought. But now, yes, he felt pretty confident Komaeda wouldn't be able to sway his mind so easily. It seemed they both understood that.

"Good" Hajime felt his voice was a bit more controlled than before, "Then unless you really want me to leave, I will stay. And you will eat an eclair" he had no clue why that last sentence came out as a command rather than an offer.

Komaeda didn't seem to mind at all, however, and grabbed a pastry from the container eagerly. This was the moment Hajime realized he should have probably brought a plate, at least. Not like it stopped Komaeda, who bit into the eclair like a hamburger.   
Obviously, a lot of cream came out from the other side. It splattered with a sad sound.

"Aaah, I made a mess!" Komaeda looked way happier about it than he should have, "And I hate mess. What bad luck!" he laughed, attempting to wipe some cream from his legs.

 _Bad luck my ass, you just ate that thing in the least logical way possible,_ Hajime really wanted to point out.

"Truly, terrible, terrible luck" Komaeda tried to lick off the cream stuck on his palm, with moderate success, "I told you this would happen, Hinata-kun" he looked at Hajime, dragging his tongue over his index finger.

Hajime inhaled, using most of his willpower to **not** look away. Because if he did it would immediately be suspicious. Instead, he grabbed Komaeda's hand, stopping his ministrations.

"Just get a tissue, dammit" fussing to cover his embarrassment, he took a tissue out of his pocket and tried to wipe as much of it as he could away.

Komaeda was staring at him, half-eaten eclair in his other hand. The cream was threatening to spill again.

"Lick that off before it falls" Hajime commanded without thinking, and he was pretty sure he never saw Komaeda move that quickly.

The boy basically attacked the pastry from the other side. It did prevent the cream from reaching the floor, however, a large portion of it seemed to have reached Komaeda's cheeks instead.

"...are you doing that on purpose?" Hajime narrowed his eyes.

Komaeda sent him one of his signature smiles. This particular one usually meant Hajime would not get a straight answer even if he threatened to pull all his hair out. It was followed by Komaeda basically swallowing the rest of the eclair whole.

_Okay, now that was definitely on purpose._

"Just stay still" Hajime reached with another tissue, trying to clean the other's face, "How do you even make a mess like that in such a short amount of time?"

"I told you, Hinata-kun, it's bad l-" Komaeda attempting to talk was mostly smothered by the tissue.

Hajime couldn't say he didn't take a little bit of satisfaction in silencing him.

"No, it's you being clumsy" he threw the used tissues into the bin.

Komaeda could have just wiped his own face, probably, but Hajime was sort of giving up at this point. His body reacted before his mind could.

"Not true" Komaeda looked almost comically offended, "These things are just sticky. Since you didn't bring a plate, of course this would happen. This is textbook bad luck" he scoffed at the pastry container.

He was right about the plate thing, but that just made Hajime want to prove him wrong even more.

"Alright" Hajime crossed his arms, "Then I'll bet you on it"

"Bet?" Komaeda questioned.

"Yes" Hajime grabbed an eclair, "If I can eat this one without spilling even a little bit of the cream, then I win. If I spill it, you win. I'll prove to you this doesn't have anything to do with luck"

"But that's not fair at all, Hinata-kun" Komaeda complained, "You're the Ultimate Hope. You're way more talented than me, of course it's going to be easier for you"

"Do you think I have like, an Ultimate Eclair Devourer talent or something?" Hajime lifted one eyebrow, "That's not how that works and you know it"

"...I guess" Komaeda didn't look entirely convinced, but nodded, "Alright, I'll take the bet. But you have to eat the whole thing, alright?"

Hajime nodded. He wasn't a big fan of eclairs, but what he absolutely was a fan of was beating Komaeda in a debate. Even if it was a debate over pastry consumption.

He grabbed the eclair carefully, protecting the other side with his palm. Then he had an even better idea. He slowly dragged his tongue across the entire space of the cream, licking it off so that it didn't stick out of the pastry. It wasn't actually as overly sweet as he expected. Teruteru, as usual, was not one to be underestimated.

"T-That's cheating..." Komaeda was looking weirdly tense all of a sudden.

"Not at all" Hajime licked a little bit of cream that was still a bit too close to sticking out, "You didn't specify **how** I was supposed to eat it, right? Besides, this is what I'm trying to prove. That it's all about technique, and not luck"

Komaeda tensed up even more, furrowing his brows. He didn't look angry, though. What was with that expression?

Hajime shrugged and went back to his work. He finally bit on the pastry a little, but was extremely careful not to let the cream get away. He got frustrated with this method after just a couple of tries, though. Deciding it was safer anyway, he just put most of the eclair in his mouth, and licked off the cream at the same time as he was biting. Perfectly controlled, ha. Well, as long as he didn't get it too far down. Choking on an eclair was not on his list of favored ways to die.   
He did feel proud of his own ingenuity with that technique, though. He was definitely making some undignified noises, but hey, no one was there to judge him but Komaeda.

And actually, Komaeda no longer seemed to be judging him at all. When Hajime lifted his eyes to check on him, he realized the other was very pointedly not looking his way.

"Hey" He stopped for a moment to glare at Komaeda, "What is the point of me trying to prove this if you're not even looking?"

"Um..." Komaeda looked extremely nervous, but placed his eyes back on Hajime, "...sorry"

Hajime lifted a brow again. This was just weird. Was Komaeda grossed out or something? Well, whatever. It was all his fault in the first place anyway.

Holding that thought, Hajime decided to just put the rest of the eclair straight into his mouth. 

"I'm done" he declared proudly, licking the remnants of sugar off his lips, "So? Any more complaints? I think I won fair and square. No cream anywhere" 

Komaeda didn't seem eager to respond. Actually, he just looked very on edge all of a sudden.

"...Komaeda?" Hajime's voice seemed to snap him out of it, "What, my eclair eating skills got you? Can't even admit defeat?"

Yes, he was absolutely making fun of him, but he just couldn't help it. And making Komaeda flustered was a joy he didn't quite understand, but sure as hell wanted to experience more often.

"I-I yield, I yield, alright" Komaeda waved his hands, "You win, Hinata-kun" he looked away, biting his lip.

"...you're that sad about it?" Hajime was confused.

"N-No, I'm fine" Komaeda looked back at him, expression a little panicked, "You were totally right, Hinata-kun. I'm just a messy eater, I guess, haha" his laughter was just as nervous as his posture.

Hajime didn't buy it, but decided not to pry.

"You want another one?" He lifted up the container.

"Ah, no, I'd rather not" Komaeda eyed the pastries, "I think I'm getting a bit tired actually. Maybe I'll just sleep now"

Hajime furrowed his brows. Komaeda seemed well rested that morning, and he didn't do anything particularly tiring. This was concerning. But he knew it wasn't the time for a medical investigation. He should let Komaeda sleep.

"Alright" he got up, grabbing the container, "I'll return these to the kitchen, then. Rest well. I'll see you in the evening" 

"See you, Hinata-kun" something like relief was visible on Komaeda's face.

Hajime furrowed his brows again, but waved to Komaeda and exited the cottage.

Warm afternoon sun enveloped him as he walked back to the restaurant. Grasshoppers jumped away from his feet, hiding in the dry, tall grass. _Schistocerca nitens_ , the Ultimate Entomologist contributed. An invasive species, and apparently even the apocalypse couldn't stop them. Hajime watched as one of them jumped on his shoe, only to escape seconds later. Hopefully they wouldn't get inside the greenhouses.

He felt a certain calm wash over him, a sort of satisfaction. He actually did what he wanted to, just because he felt like it. With no logic behind it, no necessity. He felt like going to see Komaeda, so he did. And the world didn't burn, the sky didn't fall.

Maybe he was going to try and take his time a little more often.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter features: aggressive laundry, cows, and Hajime unknowingly torturing Komaeda with an eclair.
> 
> also some dr2 kids spending time together bc im weak for them just like. living a normal life :)
> 
> i just realized that entire eclair scene is basically a gayer version of the first ep of lucky star   
> im so sorry
> 
> up next: plot happens, or does it? who knows, but there's more pining. obviously.


	7. Passing days, sleepless nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hajime spends a night with a book, and a lot of days with someone he cares about.

Over the next couple of days, Hajime found himself taking his time a lot more often.

He took his time in the port, as everyone scrambled to organize the latest shipment.

Sweat went down his chin after throwing another bag on the trolley. It made a soft 'ompf' sound as it hit the rest, ready to be wheeled away. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand.

"This is twenty more kilograms of grain, ten meters of fabric, and-" Imposter stopped their counting for a moment, "Ibuki, where are you taking that sheet?" 

"We're going to build a scarecrow!" Ibuki grinned, wrapping herself up in a cream-colored sheet, "For the farm!"

"Why would a greenhouse farm need a scarecrow?" Imposter raised their eyebrows, "Additionally, there aren't many birds around, are there?"

There were certainly more than on the mainland since the air was cleaner - but it still wasn't many. 

"Stop ruining our fun, Ham Hands!" Hiyoko blew a raspberry at them, "Or I'll flick you on the head..." she narrowed her eyes.

"I'm afraid your threats aren't very convincing. But I suppose I'll allow it" Imposter sighed, "Just don't waste anything"

"Ibuki promises we'll make the most awesome scarecrow you've ever seen!" Mioda winked, while Mahiru tried to untangle her out of the sheet.

Imposter was already busy heading to the next container, writing everything down in their chart with frightening efficiency. They were wearing Kyoko today, which meant their long, purple hair swished behind them like a clock weight whenever they walked.

"Alright, I think we're done here" Imposter confirmed, examining the various boxes, "It's all loose stuff now, so let's divide it. As always, remember to put everything you're taking down on the list. And no fighting" they narrowed their eyes at a few people in particular, "Everything that's left, Nekomaru and I will be taking back to the warehouse with the rest"

Everyone did a more or less mocking 'yes, leader!', and scattered, ready to grab whatever treasures they could lay their eyes upon first.

It was a familiar routine, for every time a shipment from future foundation came around. The shipments didn't come as often now, since they could more or less provide themselves with basic food from the ranch and the farms. But they still came, and after being done with packing the big stuff, everyone got a chance to grab something for themselves from the variety of items. Hajime regularly talked with Makoto over the computer, reporting if they needed anything in particular. It was truly a lucky thing Naegi was still determined to help them as much as he could. 

"You need any more help?" Hajime approached the Imposter, who was double-checking the chart now.

"No, I think it's all good" they didn't tear away from their gaze from the chart, "Your help is greatly appreciated as always. You can go get some stuff for yourself now" they nodded, signifying the end of that conversation.

Hajime, as usual, strolled around leisurely with a large backpack, searching for anything interesting. He grabbed some generally useful stuff - nails, sandpaper, screws, paper, a pen or two. He knew he already had way too much of that, but he couldn't find it in himself to not grab at least some. He really had to stop with the markers, though. He had an entire drawer full of just markers.

His luck usually helped him find anything he might have really needed. He let his hands drift to wherever they wanted, choosing boxes randomly. He found a wood impregnator, which he forgot he was almost out of, a brand new thermometer, oh yeah, Akane broke the last one during her check-up, a magnifying glass, he'd lost his, and-

Some rope?

Hajime pulled out a bundle of black rope from the bottom of a box. It looked long, but weirdly enough, not very thick. They used rope for a lot of stuff, but that was ship-grade rope. This didn't look nearly sturdy enough. Besides, he didn't remember needing rope for anything recently. They still had enough in the warehouse-

_Oh._

_Wait a minute._

Hajime examined the rope more thoroughly, a recognition starting to form in his mind. It was kind of soft, with no stray fibers sticking out. Delicate, almost.

Trying to confirm his suspicions, he checked the other contents of the box. Mundane items, except for...

More rope, in various lengths. 

Biting his lip, Hajime hesitated for a moment. The most obvious thing to do was to just ignore it, but he didn't feel as convinced as he probably should. Maybe he could just take it, at least? He wouldn't do anything with it, but...

_What's the harm?_

It was a dangerous thought, he realized. But he also still remembered Sonia's words vividly. He was supposed to be allowing himself to think about stuff more. If he wanted to do something, he should just do it. He should try.

Groaning quietly, he gave in, stashing the rope into his backpack. Whatever, he'd just put it away somewhere and forget about it, probably. He already had enough strange items in his hoard, one or two more wouldn't make a difference. 

Mumbling similar excuses to himself, he continued to search the containers. 

He took his time with the comb, as distant sounds of crickets could be heard from the open window.

"Aah, that hurts, Hinata-kun" Komaeda complained, scrunching his nose.

"No, it doesn't" Hajime replied, dragging the comb through slowly, "You're just trying to annoy me"

"Eh, no way. I would never do that" Komaeda didn't even sound like he was trying to be convincing.

Hajime allowed himself a small smile as he worked methodically. Komaeda's hair had always been a mystery to him, something akin to a cryptid one might read about on one of these weird conspiracy theory websites. The color was one thing, it really did look like it couldn't belong to a living person. But the structure of it was the real conundrum. Hajime had no clue how it did what it did, he'd never seen hair that waved in this particular way. It made Komaeda always seem like he'd just woken up, regardless of the situation. Strangely enough, the look suited him.  
But Hajime still wanted to try doing something else with it. 

If there was anything that could pose a challenge to his Ultimate Hairstylist abilities, this was definitely it. The final boss of bizarre hair, Nagito Komaeda's human wool.

"Lean to the left" he instructed, and Komaeda complied, cocking his head.

He also rotated the book so that he could keep reading, Hajime noted with some amusement.

"I honestly can't even tell where your part is" Hajime spoke again, "It's remarkable. I've never seen hair growing from such random directions. Hey, was it always like...this?"

Komaeda seemed to consider a question for a moment.

"I'm afraid I'm not sure" he finally answered, "You know my memory is a mess, Hinata-kun"

He sounded fairly apathetic about that fact.

"It's gotten better" Hajime insisted, "I can tell, even if you're pretending like it's not. You've been a lot more...attentive for a while now, too" 

"Hinata-kun sure observes me closely..." Komaeda mused, thoughtful.

Hajime willed himself not to get tense. Komaeda didn't even know half of it.

"Of course I do" he said instead, "I've been treating you. I'm your doctor. I need to be monitoring your symptoms, and believe it or not, the way you act tells me a lot. It's simply a necessity for me to pay attention"

_Not that I have to try all that much. It's hard not to pay attention to you._

"A doctor, huh..." Komaeda tapped his chin, "Shouldn't I be calling you Hinata-sensei, then?" he smiled.

"Please **do not** " Hajime felt a horrified shudder run through him, "It will make me feel even older than I already am" 

"Ehh, but it suits someone as talented and intelligent as you!" Komaeda lifted his hands a little, the movement causing Hajime to lose the strand of hair he'd been holding, "I am truly honored to be treated by you. And don't worry, even if you fail, I would love to donate my body to science. I know it's probably not worth much, such a useless, frail, sickly body it is. But if it can further your research even a little, it would be the most hopeful end I can imagine for myself!" he shivered a little, excitement palpable.

Hajime lifted his eyebrows, but that was the extent of his reaction. Nowadays, Komaeda would have to try very hard to disturb him anymore. He'd seen enough bullshit to last him a hundred lifetimes, the white-haired boy's ramblings were now barely on the tier of mildly eye-roll worthy. If it made Komaeda feel better, then whatever.

"I'd say you have issues but we already established that" Hajime grabbed his hair again, motioning for him to stay still, "Besides, I'm past pretending like I'm any better" he shrugged.

That part was true. He thought about it a while ago, and realized if he'd been in Komaeda's shoes he'd probably end up being a lot worse than him. Hell, all he needed was a stupid proposal from some crazy scientists, and look where that got him. If he had Komaeda's life? The earth would probably be gone by now. Like, actually gone. A real, complete apocalypse.

"But that doesn't mean I agree with you" he held a pin in his mouth while he worked on another braid, "Not that it matters. Because you won't die anyway" 

"I won't die?" Komaeda questioned, clearly confused.

"I won't let you" Hajime answered confidently.

He already knew Komaeda wanted to live, regardless of whether he tried to pretend otherwise. And perhaps it was because he wanted to live that he had ended up on the same island as Hajime. His luck had done more convoluted things before, didn't it?  
Because Hajime was possibly the only person currently alive that had an actual chance of helping him. He wasn't sure, of course, even he didn't know the full extent of his talent. How far could it actually go? There must have been a line, no matter how talented he was, he wasn't a god. But it could still be enough to help Komaeda. He wanted to believe it would be.

The white-haired boy was quiet for a moment, letting Hajime work. The distant sound of waves could be heard, mixing with the crickets outside.

"Ah, of course Hinata-kun would say that" he finally spoke, his voice calmer than before, "You really are the Ultimate Hope" he turned his head around to look at Hajime, "But I guess there's nothing I can do, then. Someone like me is powerless against someone so talented. Your hope is so much bigger than mine!" he made an exaggerated movement with his hands, as if trying to portray the size of Hajime's hope, "You're definitely going to reach your goal, Sensei" he smiled.

And there was something new there, something Hajime didn't remember seeing before. A _spark_ shined in Komaeda's eyes, small, but visible. And his smile was small, calm, but genuine. It was actually genuine. 

"If you call me that one more time, I will show you what actual hurt is like" Hajime tugged on his hair a little as a warning, but he couldn't quite stop the smirk that formed on his lips.

Komaeda may not have yet been able to believe in himself, but maybe, just maybe, he could start to believe in Hajime. 

"That's fine!" the other, as usual, reacted unexpectedly, "Hinata-kun can do whatever he wants to me. I don't mind at all!" the authenticity of that statement could not be called into question.

_Oh god, don't say that. You have no clue what you're talking about,_ Hajime tensed up a little. He knew Komaeda wasn't doing that on purpose, but it didn't change the fact it made his head feel fuzzy.

_Don't make me think stupid things again, you human embodiment of a marshmallow._

"Then I'll force you to listen to Ibuki's newest masterpiece. On repeat. I have it recorded, you know" he did not have it recorded, actually, but Komaeda didn't need to know that.

"Ah" there was now genuine fear in the other's expression, "I would much rather prefer if you didn't do that. I don't know if I could recover from such bad luck" he laughed nervously.

"I'll spare you if you stop moving and let me finish your hair" Hajime proposed, and Komaeda compliantly turned his head around again.

Hajime needed to try this blackmail thing more often, it really did wonders.

"Alright, I'm done" he let go of Komaeda's head, getting up, "Take a look"

He brought a hand mirror up to Komaeda's face. The other caught the sight of himself in it and froze. There was silence for a moment, dragging out. Hajime got nervous.

"...do you like it?" he bit his lip unconsciously.

He was the Ultimate Hairstylist, but maybe he didn't do as well as he thought? He eyed Komaeda with a critical eye. He did a ponytail, leaving his overgrown bangs in the front, and weaved small, simple braids along the sides of his head, incorporating them into the ponytail. He thought it looked really good, although to be fair, Komaeda did just have great face structure. Probably why his hair suited him so well, despite being generally ridiculous. His face was harmonious, his skin delicate, he even complained about how sensitive it was. It made him seem way too gentle, every smile and every frown accentuated on the pale canvas. It worked with his eyes, too, somehow. That grey-green shade probably wouldn't look as good on someone else as it did on him. 

Komaeda was just unfairly pretty, Hajime complained to himself. 

_Wait, pretty?_

"It...looks a-amazing" Komaeda finally spoke, his voice a little shaky, "A-As expected of H-Hinata-kun..."

He looked nervous, Hajime thought, but that wasn't quite right. 

"Komaeda? Are you okay?" he leaned in, trying to figure out what was up with the other.

"I'm good! Great, even! I just, uh..." Komaeda avoided his gaze, but Hajime noticed something.

The corners of his mouth were shaking a little, a fact he was clearly trying to hide. 

_He's happy._

"Well, it may not be very modest of me, but I think you do look very good" Hajime asserted, nodding. 

He wasn't lying. Actually, he was purposefully trying not to stare too much. Wait, did he bring this on himself?

_Oh god, he totally did._

"I-is that so?" Komaeda couldn't hide his smile this time, try as he might, "Ah, getting a compliment from Hinata-kun, that is the best luck! I'm so happy I could die!" he laughed.

"Please don't" Hajime smiled, a dangerous fondness creeping into his voice.

"If you insist, I guess I won't..." Komaeda wasn't even paying attention to what he was saying, playing with a loose strand of hair. The smile refused to leave his features, even as he was clearly attempting to suppress it.

_Cute._

Hajime felt himself inhale a little too sharply. He got up suddenly, forcing himself to tear his eyes away.

"I-I'll put this away. Is it okay if I leave it here?" he started to collect the combs and hair accessories.

"Sure, go ahead" Komaeda looked at him, a bit confused, "You can leave them in the bathroom. I don't have much stuff there anyway"

"Right" Hajime smiled a bit stiffly.

But the warm feeling in his fingertips where he'd touched Komaeda's hair didn't subside. 

He took his time staring at the ceiling, as the Minimaru clock displayed 3 am.

He couldn't sleep again. It wasn't anything unusual. Often, he would just wake up in the middle of the night and be unable to fall asleep again. Sometimes it was nightmares, sometimes just general nervousness.  
Today was worse than usual because he was just restless. He didn't feel like sleeping at all. He kept turning from one side to the other, fruitlessly. The pillows were too soft, the blankets too heavy, and the crickets outside too loud. 

Frustrated, he sat up, burying his face in his hands. He was just bored now. He'd been trying to fall asleep for what felt like forever. He needed a distraction, something to get his mind off of the blank ceiling and rustling sheets.

But nothing came to mind. He didn't want to work on any of his current projects, besides, that'd be too noisy anyway. He thought about going for a walk but decided against it. He didn't feel like leaving his cottage. The moonlight outside felt too bright. 

There came a thought, slowly, but surely. He dismissed it immediately, but, as those kinds of thoughts tended to do, it came back to him like a boomerang. 

_He could read._

Right, he could. Reading was a perfectly acceptable activity for when one could not fall asleep.

Except there weren't any books in his cottage except for **that one**.

He still hadn't thrown it away. He wasn't sure why, part of it was probably laziness, part curiosity. He _was_ interested, he couldn't deny it. There was a part of him, a deep, forgotten, buried part that was really, really interested. 

He huffed in frustration, looking over to the drawer where the cursed item resided. He knew he shouldn't even entertain the thought. Yes, he was supposed to allow himself to think about things more, to explore his interests, and find time for himself. But this was a step too far. This was something he wasn't sure if he _wanted_ to know about himself. And what if he had another weird dream? 

Then again, he had already established that trying not to think about it would only make him think about it more. Maybe if he just read a little bit, his curiosity would be satisfied?  
Maybe then he'd stop having weird thoughts and could just go back to how things were. That was a possibility, right?

Groaning, he hoisted himself off the bed. His feet met cold wood as he walked to the drawer. He was still unsure but realized any more thinking wouldn't help anything. He'd just read a little, he reason, as he fished the book out from the depths of the drawer. He'd just read a little, and then probably get bored. Maybe he'd even fall asleep.

Mostly satisfied with his reasoning, he turned on the small bedside lamp and opened the book.

He took his time choosing his card, warm wind blowing lightly under the shade of the umbrella.

"Hmmm...ah, I won again" he realized when Fuyuhiko revealed his card.

"So you did" the other admitted, dropping his cards on the table, "Dammit"

"I told you" Hajime laughed awkwardly, "I'm sorry"

He'd been winning consistently for the past hour. No matter what kind of game they played, it didn't change anything. Hajime won every time.

"What are you saying sorry for, huh?" Fuyuhiko lifted a brow, "A win is a win. It's not like you cheated. I'd definitely know if you did" he smiled a little menacingly.

"Well, it's not very fun if I always win, is it?" Hajime looked at the cards critically.

"Playing cards isn't just about winning, you know" Fuyhiko shrugged casually.

"Eh? Then what is it about?" Hajime questioned.

"Spending time with people, for example" Fuyuhiko looked away, but smiled, "Not everything has a clear purpose, Hajime. You should really learn to appreciate pointless things, too"

"I don't want to hear that from you" Hajime laughed, collecting the cards.

They started playing again, already knowing the result.

"Say, I wanted to ask," Fuyuhiko spoke again, "What is up with you constantly going to Komaeda's recently?"

Hajime froze.

"Ah, so something is up" Fuyuhiko smiled triumphantly, "I fucking knew it"

"T-That's..." Hajime tried to desperately think of some excuse, but couldn't.

"Peko told me" Fuyuhiko shuffled his cards, "She said she'd seen you enter his cottage multiple times the past week. And also, you'd been...putting his clothes in the laundry?" he narrowed his eyes at Hajime, face full of confusion.

_Crap._

"H-How did she know it was his laundry?" he asked nervously.

"Hajime, you haven't worn a white t-shirt like, once the entire time I'd known you" Fuyuhiko sounded almost amused, "And I guess that stupid green coat was a pretty dead giveaway"

Okay, yeah, there was no way to get out of this.

"Alright" Hajime planted his cards on the table, "You got me"

He groaned a little as Fuyhiko sat there, clearly waiting for further clarifications.

"It's a bit of a delicate situation" Hajime started, unsure.

"Okay, and?" Fuyuhiko crossed his arms.

"It's nothing much, really" Hajime scratched his neck, "Komaeda's been a little unwell lately, that's all. So I'm taking care of him, you know. Since I'm treating him anyway, it's kind of my responsibility"

"Unwell? Is it getting worse?" Fuyuhiko's gaze got more serious.

"A-Ah, no. He's been improving actually" he couldn't lie about that, he just couldn't, "But, um, we've been trying some new medications, and I guess he just reacted a bit poorly. It's nothing big, he's just a little weak. I've been bringing him food and helping him with chores until he gets better" it was just enough of the truth to hide the lie.

_Ultimate Actor, please don't dissapoint me now._

"I see" Fuyuhiko nodded, "I understand the situation, then. But are you sure you should be taking all that burden on yourself?" he questioned, "You should have told us. You have enough work already, and besides, wouldn't it be better if he stayed in the hospital? I'm sure Mikan could take care of him just fine as usual"

"Um, well..." Hajime felt the gears of his brain grinding, "Komaeda doesn't really like staying in the hospital. Considering, his, um, history, I sort of understand. I don't want to force him too much. He already has to go for the check-ups. If it's not an emergency, I prefer that he stay in his cottage. The less stress, the better"

This part was entirely true, at least. Komaeda really didn't like the hospital, and Hajime couldn't fault him for it.

"I get it" Fuyuhiko nodded, "I suppose you're right. Still, should you be doing this by yourself? We could at least help bring him food or something" he shrugged.

"N-No, it's okay" Hajime swore he felt a drop of sweat run down his forehead, "I actually don't mind. It's not a big deal. Besides, you know how he is. I'm used to him now, but you guys are still a little...it's better if I'm the one doing it, I think"

He couldn't really just tell him the truth. Which was that taking care of Komaeda had actually become the part of his day he was looking forward to the most. Sure, it was stressful sometimes, but Hajime was pretty sure it wasn't the kind of stress Fuyuhiko was talking about. 

"If that's what you believe is best, then I guess I have to comply. You're the doctor" Hajime almost exhaled audibly as Fuyuhiko spoke, "Just make sure you don't overwork yourself. We're working hard too, you know?" he insisted, "So don't try to shoulder everything by yourself, you workaholic bastard" he grinned at him.

"Not you too...am I really that bad?" Hajime whined, placing his head on the table.

"Sometimes, yes" Fuyuhiko confirmed, "You've gotten better recently, I guess. But we still have to force you to take breaks"

"I don't need breaks, I don't get tired as easily as you guys" Hajime crossed his arms.

"That has nothing to do with it" Fuyuhiko shook his head.

"If you say so..." 

"Anyway, would you mind if I inform everyone else?" Fuyuhiko grabbed the deck of cards again, "I'm sure some of them must be wondering where Komaeda disappeared to by this point"

"If you could do that, yes, I would be grateful, actually" Hajime felt a weight being lifted off his chest, "I wasn't sure how to approach the topic"

His luck seemed to have pulled through once again. He was worried about when people would start asking questions. This little lie could buy him a lot of time.

"Figured" Fuyuhiko smiled, "Then I'll do that. And as thanks, play another round with me, will you?" he shuffled the cards.

"Gladly" Hajime nodded.

He took his time analyzing the passages, forgetting the time on the clock.

_'It is still unclear on what exactly sadomasochistic tendencies are based on. There is no clear consensus as to whether the ability to enjoy inflicting and/or receiving pain is rooted more in the genetic predispositions of an individual, or in learned behaviors. It is well known, however, that an individual with such tendencies might greatly benefit from being able to express their desires in a controlled environment. Masochistic people especially often find great relief in receiving certain levels of pain.  
"It is a sort of a cleansing experience", states our anonymous source, who self-identifies as a masochist, "When I'm stressed, or feel trapped, or just tired, pain can bring relief. It's about the shock, in a way, but it's also about the anticipation. With a good sadist, a good dominant, you know that's it's coming, but you're never sure when. The pain surprises you, shakes you out of your comfort zone. It's stressful, but it's a different kind of stress, one that builds quickly, and is released just as quickly. I think it allows you to let out all of the feelings you normally can't. If you're angry about something, or sad, or frustrated, the pain gives you an excuse to let go, to scream and cry and not worry about what is allowed and what isn't. Yes, to me, pain also brings sexual satisfaction, to some degree - but it's more than that. It makes me feel alive, it makes everything more intense, more real. And the relaxation afterward is really incredible. I think it feels a bit like when you go through something very scary, and then it turns out everything is okay, it's that pure bliss. But it's the controlled kind of scary, so you enjoy it the whole way through, really".'_

Hajime didn't realize how intensely he's been focusing, turning the page quickly.

_'Different individuals will enjoy different levels of pain, and it is vital to always establish limits beforehand. Safety is a concern, of course, but it's important to remember it relates to both the mental and psychical states of all participants. In relation to the more pain-focused elements of bdsm, aftercare is especially important. As most practitioners state, it is really a vital part of the experience. For the submissive, it's the time to return back to a more regular state of mind, but also to be cared for. Often individuals with low self-esteem report enjoying this particular form of affection, as it is easier for them to accept another person's appreciation if it is preceded by a shared, very intense experience. It's a kind of attempt to trick the brain, yes, but it can bring real, lasting results. The dominant side needs to care for the submissive side to be able to steady their feelings - after all, they might have just performed some very extreme acts on another person. It is also an opportunity to deepen the bond between the two participants-'_

The clock striked 4 am, but Hajime did not spare even a glance at it.

He took his time laying on the wooden floor, as the soft light coming from the window warmed his skin.

"And then the detective finds this wooden spoon someone left in the fridge, right?" Komaeda's voice was unusually animated, "No one pays attention to it, but he does, cause who puts their spoons in the fridge?"

"Maybe they just left it there by accident?" Hajime suggested.

"That's what the police guy is saying, too" Komaeda revealed, "But the detective is not convinced. So he takes the spoon and decides to analyze it. And then..." Komaeda trailed off.

Hajime watched him for a moment, looking up from his space on the floor.

"And then what?"

Komaeda looked back at him.

"I don't know, actually!" he laughed, "I haven't finished that chapter yet"

"Aw, seriously?" Hajime furrowed his brows, "Now I'm going to be curious what happens next. I'll keep thinking about it" he complained.

"Sorry, Hinata-kun" Komaeda lifted his hands up, "I guess you're just gonna have to wait for me to read the rest"

"You should read it to me" Hajime proposed, turning over on his side to make eye contact with the other.

Komaeda looked at him, surprised. His hair bounced with every movement of his head, which looked amusing if one was paying attention to it. 

"R-Read it to you?" the boy in the cage questioned, "Y-You mean l-like, out loud?"

"Mhm" Hajime nodded, propping himself up on his elbow.

He felt unusually lazy. Maybe it was the warmth of the afternoon sun coming from the open window, or the fact he'd just eaten, but either way, he just didn't feel like getting up from the floor anytime soon. His muscles were weirdly relaxed, and every movement felt like he was in a slightly dreamlike state.  
Komaeda looked more unreal than usual, too. He was hiding in the corner of the cage, clearly trying to avoid the sun. His eyes seemed a little sleepy, although that might have just been the atmosphere. Hajime followed the movement of the other's mouth with his gaze when he spoke again.

"Why would you want that, Hinata-kun?" Komaeda asked, smiling awkwardly.

His lips were pale, but Hajime noticed a slightly pinkish spot. Did Komaeda bite it? It looked like it had been bleeding. His lips were usually chapped, that was true. The pink flush stood out, drawing Hajime's attention. Komaeda should try using some lip balm...

"Hey, are you listening to me?" the other's voice was now slightly irritated, "Hinata-kun?"

Hajime snapped out of it, blinking.

"Oh yeah, sorry" he apologized, tearing his gaze away from Komaeda's lips, "I'm listening"

"You don't look like you are. That's very rude, you know" Komaeda crossed his arms, a pout on his face.

That looked cute, too.

_Dammit._

"I was" Hajime argued, "And I don't understand why you're asking"

"W-Well, isn't my voice horrible? Why would you want to listen to it more than necessary?" Komaeda got flustered again, irritation abandoned, "I'm sure you're already tired of it enough as is, considering how much we talk. I wouldn't want to subject you to it even more" he brought his knees up to his chin, looking away.

One moment Komaeda demanded he listen to him, the other he stated he didn't want him to. It was so him, and Hajime had to suppress a smile at the familiarity of it. Komaeda being Komaeda.

"No, that's totally wrong" Hajime piped up, leaning on both his hands to face Komaeda, "I like your voice"

This was probably a weirdly personal compliment, but Hajime couldn't stop himself. He felt really strongly about that one.

"Like it?" Komaeda frowned, "It's not good to lie, Hinata-kun"

"Am not" Hajime stared him down, unbothered, "I wouldn't lie about something like this. Do you think I'm the type of person to do that?" he glared a bit, mostly for show.

"N-No, not at all..." Komaeda lifted his hands up defensively, "I'm sorry if I insinuated-"

"It's calming" Hajime interjected, "You speak quieter than most people, so it doesn't make my head hurt. And it's easy to follow what you say because you talk slowly" he nodded to himself, "I want to listen to you read"

The lazy atmosphere was making him a bit too comfortable, probably. He needed to watch himself. But this much was probably okay, he reasoned with himself. There's nothing weird about wanting to listen to someone reading, is there?

"I-Is that so..." Komaeda bit his lip.

Hajime noticed it immediately. It was the same spot as before. If Komaeda kept biting it, it would probably bleed again.

"Mhm," Hajime laid back down again, stretching in the sun, "If you would like to, of course. I want to know what happens next"

Komaeda seemed pensive for a moment, but finally, grabbed the book.

"A-Alright" he opened it where the cookie-wrapper marked he'd last finished, "This is a little awkward," he laughed, a quiet and soft sound, "But I guess I can try if you're asking so nicely"

Hajime hummed in agreement, observing Komaeda from below. There were a few seconds of silence before Komaeda cleared his throat and started to read. It was quiet and unsure at first, but he seemed to get more enthusiastic as he got invested in the story. His eyes were following the words intently, a quiet sort of interest shining in them.

Hajime closed his eyes after a moment, letting himself focus on the words being spoken. Komaeda's voice was delicate in the silence of the room, making it feel like there was nothing besides the two of them. Hajime didn't even feel himself drift off to sleep as soft words flowed around him.

He took his time sewing, as people slowly passed by them in the lobby, occasionally muttering a greeting.

"You have to pay attention to the distances between where you're inserting the needle" he instructed, looking over at Hiyoko, "Or you're going to make it uneven"

The blond girl huffed a little.

"This is way too difficult!" she complained, staring down the piece of fabric in her lap, "I can't do it" the frustration in her voice was palpable.

Most of the fabric was sewn together all in different directions, with the stitches loose in some places and tight in the others. A large portion of the thread had snapped in one place from too much tension.

"You can't just give up like that" Mahiru, sitting next to her, chastised her, "Of course you're not going to get it right the first few times. But you have to keep trying"

"I've been trying!" the other whined, a threat of tears visible, "But it's not working! Hajime, you're a horrible teacher!" she pouted, crossing her arms.

"Am I?" he questioned, worry obvious in his voice.

"No, you're very good, actually" Mahiru assured him, "Hiyoko, you can't just quit so easily. This is just like dancing. If you want to get good, you have to keep practicing"

"But practice sucks!" she exclaimed, "Besides, he didn't have to practice at all..." she looked at Hajime and stuck her tongue out at him.

"I suppose that's true..." he admitted.

The Ultimate Tailor wasn't an earned title. Just like all of his other ones.

"That doesn't matter" Mahiru shook her head, "Besides, it's not all about the results, you know? Part of the joy of things like this is the process of making them, not just the thing itself" she nodded.

Her own attempts weren't half bad, the fabric actually somewhat starting to resemble a simple skirt. She had clearly done this before. There was a mistake or two, but she covered most of it with new stitches.

"What kind of crap are you trying to tell me?" Hiyoko turned around to glare at her instead, now, "That's bullshit"

Mahiru made a displeased face, as usual disapproving of the language.

"No, I think Mahiru's right" Hajime considered, "I guess that's why I don't get much enjoyment out of this" he smiled a little sadly.

He lifted up his own project. The green fabric of the sleeve appeared perfectly natural, the ladder stitch making it look like it had never been patched up at all. Hajime was still amazed he'd managed to find a fabric in the perfect color.

"You don't?" Hiyoko questioned, "Then why do it at all? That's just stupid" she scoffed.

"Well, I suppose, I do it when I have to?" Hajime pondered, "It's not that I dislike being able to do things, but..." he put away his needle, "It's just kind of pointless with stuff like arts and crafts, you know? The whole idea of that is to enjoy making something with your own hands, even if it doesn't come out perfect. It's supposed to help you pass the time in an enjoyable way. And then you get to be satisfied because you made something all by yourself" he ran his fingers along the fabric of the coat, "But I don't feel anything when I look at the things I make, usually. Because it didn't take me any effort to make them. I didn't overcome any struggles to get there, I didn't have to fix anything or get frustrated, only to finally figure it out. I just knew how to do it from the start. There's no satisfaction in it" 

Mahiru grabbed his hand, and he looked up, surprised.

"Oh, sorry, that was a bit melancholic, wasn't it?" he laughed awkwardly, "I didn't mean to ruin the mood"

"No, it's alright" she shook her head, "Hajime, it's perfectly understandable you'd feel that way" 

There was silence for a moment as Mahiru looked at him.

"I can't imagine what it would be like to take a picture and then not feel anything when I look at it" she admitted, "I don't feel happy with every picture I take, in fact, I feel very dissatisfied with a lot of them. But that's what makes it so exciting when I finally manage to get a good one. Knowing everything I try to make will be perfect from the start...quite frankly, that sounds very boring" she nodded, thoughtful.

_Boring._

Hajime hated how much that feeling still sometimes ruled over him.

"Alright, I get it, I get it" Hiyoko spoke up again, "I guess I can try one more time. But you have to tell me exactly what to do, got it?!" she poked Hajime in the cheek, startling him.

"Ah? Sure, of course" he agreed, leaning over her again, "It's not looking that bad. You just have to fix this one right here, let me show you-"

Mahiru smiled privately, slowly going back to her own work.

He took his time looking over the images, going back to previous chapters, the crickets in the distance slowly fading out.

_'It is a common misconception that the dominant is the leader in such a relationship. Yes, they are the ones tasked with taking the lead, technically speaking, but they are not, in fact, in absolute control. In reality, it is the submissive who controls a scene. "The safe word is a sacred thing, you know" Hirasawa-san, 25, who has been working as a professional sadist-dominant for three years now, states, "And you see, being a dominant is as much about inflicting pain as it is about inflicting pleasure. Yes, I enjoy seeing my partners suffer, but I would never feel that way towards someone if I knew they weren't enjoying it. Sadism often correlates with being dominant, because to some degree, it's about providing for the other person. It's about knowing what makes it good for them, it's about being able to experience their emotions as if they are your own. It makes you feel powerful, yes, but not just because you're degrading someone or hitting them. It makes you feel powerful because you know they are enjoying it, because you get to take them to a different place, to see them unravel and let themselves go. If I'm being honest, I'd say most dominants are often just as much about the service as their submissives. We like to see our partners enjoy themselves, we are simply on the other side of it."_

The clock struck 5 am, but Hajime only bit his lip, head full of confusing thoughts.

He took his time swishing the mop around, as the smell of detergent filled the air.

"Hinata-kun, my feet got wet" Komaeda complained, lifting up one of his legs, "I just had to step in the puddle...that's really bad luck"

"That's why I told you to take your socks off" Hajime sighed, "You never listen to me until it's too late"

Komaeda sat on the side of the bathtub and pulled the wet socks off of his feet. He threw them into the laundry hamper with visible disgust.

"Hey, don't throw wet things into the laundry" Hajime chastised him, fishing out the socks, "You have to dry them first, or they're going to get moldy" he complained, stringing the socks up on the small, portable drying rack hanging on the shower frame.

"Hinata-kun, you sound like a housewife" Komaeda laughed, a teasing note in his voice. 

Hajime stiffened, feeling a blush creeping up his neck. 

"Shut it" he answered, his voice just a little too high, "And get back to work. We still have to clean the bathtub" he grabbed the telescopic bath scrubber and motioned for Komaeda to pour some cleaner in.

Komaeda was actually strong enough to do some stuff around the cottage now, even if it was mostly just carrying things around. Hajime had been forcing him to exercise at least a little every day, and it seemed to be paying off. It wasn't nearly enough, in Hajime's opinion, but oh well. It was better than nothing.

Komaeda complied, watching as Hajime worked quickly, scrubbing away.

"You're good at this too" he noticed, leaning on the side of the bath, "What talent is that, anyway?"

Hajime stilled for a moment, sounds of brushing suddenly coming to a halt. The bathroom became eerily quiet.

"Hinata-kun?" Komaeda cocked his head to the side.

"...Ultimate Housekeeper" 

Both of them fell silent then, as the words sunk in.

"I see" Komaeda nodded finally.

Hajime stared at the brush in his hand, unmoving. He always had it in the back of his mind, but sometimes, it just resurfaced like this, and he was never ready. Ready for the wave of guilt and confused feelings, swirling in his brain. He should be over this already. Why did it still keep happening?

"Hinata-kun" 

Komaeda's voice made him look up. The other was now crouching down next to him, their faces close together.

"Y-Yeah?" Hajime questioned.

"You're making a strange face again" Komaeda smiled, "Were you thinking about something weird?"

"Eh? No, I wasn't" Hajime lied, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Well, you better not be" Komaeda complained, "That bathtub is only half clean. I don't want to bathe in a dirty tub, you know? That's really gross"

"Excuse me?" Hajime crossed his arms, "So I'm working hard here, cleaning your bathroom, and you're just going to complain anyway? Maybe I should leave it dirty" he got irritated way too quickly, yes, but then again, Komaeda was just being an ass.

"There it is"

Komaeda smiled at him, perfectly calm, and Hajime stopped in his tracks again. 

"...what?" the irritation not quite gone from his voice, he lifted an eyebrow at Komaeda.

"Ah, Hinata-kun is scary when he's angry" Komaeda laughed, lifting his hands up, "If you're going to kill me, please don't do it here. You just cleaned the floor. I'd hate to have my blood all over it"

Was Komaeda...trying to distract him?

"I could always clean it again" Hajime glared at him, but it was more out of principle than anything, "I can do that very easily, as we established"

"What should I do, then..." Komaeda tapped his chin in thought, "Oh! If I give you a massage, will you spare me?" he smiled.

Hajime went rigid. Now that was a mental image he really didn't want to think about.

_He was already thinking about it._

"You don't know how to do that" he retorted quickly, returning to his work to avoid looking at the other, "And besides, it's hard psychical work. You need to have strong arms"

"Really?" Komaeda wondered, "I didn't know. Can you do it?" he asked, curious.

"Yes," Hajime confirmed, "Ultimate Physiotherapist, Ultimate Masseur, they sort of overlap sometimes" he considered, "Actually, that might be a good idea. I should give you one sometime, your muscles are definitely tense from sitting in the same position so much"

"I-I'm not sure about that..." Komaeda looked away, a nervous expression on his face.

"You'll like it" Hajime persuaded, "It's relaxing, and helps you fall asleep. Oh, it would be good for your circulation, as well" he put away the bath scrubber, looking over his work.

The entire bathroom shined, perfectly clean.

"If you say so, Hinata-kun" Komaeda smiled slightly as Hajime collected the cleaning supplies, his earlier moment of uneasiness clearly forgotten.

He took his time trying to set his head straight, dawn seeping in slowly from behind the window.

Hajime did not fall asleep. He had instead spent the entire night reading the damn book. And now he was about as far from _not thinking about it_ as he could have been.  
He had to accept he had an interest. It wasn't a big deal, right? Everyone had their...hobbies. He had a lot of them, although they weren't really hobbies. They were just things he did because he could. Talents.  
Maybe that was why this interested him. It was new, and more importantly, he didn't know anything about it. He couldn't remember the last time he was actually **learning** something new.

Right. That was it. Nothing more.

Trying to rub the sleepiness from his eyes, he put the book away on the nightstand. There were ideas buzzing in his head, wanting to be acknowledged. He needed coffee first.

He took his time sorting the laundry, soft fabrics brushing against his hands.

"Komaeda, do you actually own anything that isn't a white t-shirt?" Hajime lifted his eyebrows when he took yet another one out of the pile.

The other looked thoughtful for a moment.

"I think I had a black long-sleeved shirt" he finally stated, "But I might have lost it, actually"

Hajime stared at him, the expression on his face something between concern and disappointment.

"I guess it's easy to wash them, at least" he finally relented, folding the shirt and putting it away with the rest, "You don't have to sort anything"

Komaeda nodded, folding a pair of pants. The pants had more variety in length, at least, although they were all black. Hajime preferred not to think about the shoes too much. Every pair Komaeda owned had way too many zippers. His fashion taste was just questionable on every level.

Then again, Hajime himself was still wearing nothing but button-ups constantly. Maybe he shouldn't judge.

"Hinata-kun?" Komaeda piped up suddenly, a slight note of concern in his voice.

"Yes?" Hajime looked at him from near the drawers, where he was putting away the shirts.

"Where is my coat?"

Hajime stilled for a moment. Ah.

"I...wait a second, okay?" not letting Komaeda answer, he ran out of the cottage.

He came back seconds later, not even panting, holding Komaeda's coat in his hand. His hair was ruffled from the run, and he tried to fix it with his hand, frustration visible.

"Here" he handed Komaeda the coat, "Sorry, I completely forgot to bring it"

Komaeda took the coat, examining it with interest.

"Why did you have it in your-" he stopped halfway through, staring at the sleeve.

"I, uh..." Hajime suddenly felt a little nervous, "I fixed it. The sleeve, I mean"

There was silence, Komaeda running his hand across the length of the sleeve. His expression was unreadable, and Hajime felt his stomach flip a little. Maybe he shouldn't have?

"It looks brand new" Komaeda examined the sleeve from every angle.

"Ultimate Tailor skills, I suppose?" Hajime laughed nervously, "So...you like it?"

Komaeda finally took his eyes off the coat and looked at Hajime. His expression was unusually serious.

"Yes. Thank you, Hinata-kun" he finally smiled a little, but his gaze remained strong.

Hajime felt a little better, but Komaeda's staring was making him fidget. Those eyes could be really intense under the right circumstances, huh?

"I'm glad" the brown-haired boy looked away for a moment, "I just thought about it when I saw it in the laundry"

Komaeda didn't answer, but he moved a little, coming closer. He'd been sitting with his back to the open cage, close enough that he could get back inside if he felt like it. They had been doing that a lot recently - Komaeda would sit in the open cage, or next to it, and Hajime on the floor close to him. It started to feel familiar.

"Hinata-kun" Komaeda had a mysterious look on his face, "I'm worried"

Hajime furrowed his brows.

"Worried? About what?" he questioned, trying to ignore how Komaeda was currently busy invading his personal space.

"This is so much good luck" Komaeda shook his head, hair bouncing as he did, "Way too much"

With his face this close, Hajime noticed his eyelashes as he blinked nervously, looking away. God, they were long. Komaeda's eyes darted repeatedly from his face to the floor, as if he couldn't decide where to look.

"And?" Hajime held his breath a little, trying not to appear too nervous.

"I can't imagine what the bad luck is going to be like, anymore" Komaeda's voice was starting to sound a little panicked, "It's been good luck after good luck, Hinata-kun. I know I should be glad, no matter what bad luck comes, the good luck afterward will be even better right?" it almost seemed he was trying to get Hajime to answer his question, "But what if..." he looked at the floor again, biting his lip.

"But what if it's going to be you, Hinata-kun?"

Hajime blinked, trying to understand.

"Me?" he asked carefully, not wanting to upset the other.

"I didn't think it was possible, at first" Komaeda finally leaned back a little, crossing his arms, "But it's been a while, and none of the bad luck so far had been big enough to offset the good luck. Not even close. The balance is all off" he hugged himself nervously, "I thought Hinata-kun was way too strong to be affected by my luck. There's no way an Ultimate Hope such as yourself could ever be influenced by something like that, no? But..." his eyes darted to Hajime, "But what if? Hinata-kun, what if something-"

"Komaeda" Hajime cut him off, his voice calm, "Can I touch you?"

The other looked taken aback.

"Uh..." he stared Hajime down as if trying to figure out if he was joking. 

But Hajime held his gaze, his face calm. 

"Um, o-okay?" Komaeda finally agreed, still clearly confused.

Hajime crawled closer, and the white-haired boy almost instinctively moved away. But he stayed put as Hajime looked at him, a calm, reassuring smile on his face. 

Then, Hajime enveloped his arms around Komaeda, hugging him close.

"H-Hinata-kun?" the other stiffened, but Hajime only strengthened his embrace.

They sat on the wooden floor in front of the cage, artificial light illuminating them. There was pitch black night behind the windows, the cottage seemed like a safe oasis in the dark. The smell of fresh laundry still lingered in the air.

Moments passed, and Hajime finally felt Komaeda slowly relax, starting to sink against him. The metal hand whirred as the white-haired boy carefully returned the gesture. Hajime felt his palms cautiously touch his back, a delicate, hesitant feeling. They were cold, both of them, the metal one only slightly more so. Hajime could feel it through his thin button-up. But Komaeda himself was warm, his form flush against Hajime's own. And he smelled sweet, of the shampoo, Hajime recognized instantly. He remembered it having a very specific scent, advertised on the bottle. What was it, again? Almond and cinnamon?

He inhaled without realizing it, the smell somehow so much better than he remembered it. Komaeda's hair was brushing against his cheek, soft and tickling. He felt the other tremble a little, and he grabbed on harder, refusing to let go. It was warm, so warm. 

Truth was, he had no clue what he was doing. This wasn't very professional, but even more, this wasn't planned. He just saw Komaeda there, shivering, trying desperately not to show his fear. And he spoke before he could think, his body moved before he could allow it. More than anything, he suddenly wanted to have Komaeda as close to him as possible, to feel his presence, and to know the other felt his. To make sure Komaeda knew he was there.

"Komaeda" he finally found it in himself to speak again, still holding the other.

The boy in his embrace didn't say anything but grabbed onto his back a little stronger.

Hajime had thought about it. He had taken the time, and he thought about it, and he realized something.

_Is that not a happy feeling?_

"Komaeda" he started again, "I don't want to leave"

It was a simple statement, but he felt Komaeda stiffen a little against him.

"Hinata-kun, what are you-?" his voice was muffled a bit.

"I don't want to leave" Hajime repeated, closing his eyes, feeling the weight of Komaeda's body, "Even if the bad luck comes. Even if it affects me, I don't believe it will, but even if it did. Even if-" he finally lets go, moving back slightly.

He grabs Komaeda by the shoulders now, staring at him.

"I believe I'm strong enough to withstand your luck. But even if I'm not, even if the worst thing you can imagine will happen to me" he inhaled, "I still don't want to leave"

And it was the truth, one he had realized spending his days sitting on the wooden floor, next to the steel bars and with the bright, dull green eyes watching him.

_Even if it would be painful, I always thought it was something one should be grateful for being able to experience._

"H-Hinata-kun, but you can't..." Komaeda looked scared now, openly, "Someone like you...you're humanity's last hope! If something happens to you, if it's because of me, I-" he looked away, "That would be the greatest despair there ever was"

"Humanity's last hope?" Hajime laughed a little, "Don't be stupid. That's Naegi, or Kirigiri, or even Byakuya. They're the ones doing the work out there. I'm a criminal, Komaeda. A former remnant of despair, just like everyone else here. We're not going to save the world" his voice was calm, "I said it already, didn't I? This place isn't about hope or despair at all. All we have here is our future. And we get to decide what it's going to be about"

Komaeda looked at him, emotions swirling in his eyes.

"I know you aren't going to believe me yet" Hajime admitted, "But that doesn't matter. All I ask is that you let me stay. I want to stay, Komaeda" he insisted, bringing their faces closer.

_Be around that person you care about. Do the things you want to do for them. Think about the things you want to think about._

Hajime didn't understand his own feelings yet. He didn't know what he wanted, he didn't know if he even wanted to know. But he knew he cared about Komaeda. Whenever it started, why it happened, it didn't matter to him. He cared about Komaeda. 

_He wanted to see him happy._

"What about the others?" Komaeda's voice was but a whisper now, "If something happens to you-"

"They will manage" Hajime answered, and for the first time since he could remember, he felt like he truly believed what he was saying.

"I believe I'll be okay, but I won't ask you to not be scared" he continued, "Because that would be unfair. I won't even ask you to listen to me. But," he paused, "I want to ask you to trust me. Can you trust me, Komaeda?"

Silence fell as the other seemed to analyze his words. His face was still apprehensive, his body still jittery. But there was a spark in his eyes, dull, but present, the one Hajime recognized.

"Okay"

It was the softest he had heard Komaeda's voice ever go, barely audible. Yet his face was honest, full of worry, and nervousness, but honest. 

Hajime couldn't even ask this time. He lunged at Komaeda, hugging him again. This time it was just his own feelings, his own unexplained need to confirm the other was next to him, as if he didn't trust his own eyes. 

Something changed, he realized it. It was a small step, a small change, but it was there. It felt as if Komaeda had finally started to grab the hand extended to him. 

"Um, Hinata-kun?"

The other's voice was normal again, and it brought Hajime out of his stupor.

"I am of course flattered, but this position is starting to get a little uncomfortable if I'm being honest" 

Hajime moved away, immediately embarrassed.

"A-Ah, sorry!" he lifted his hands up, his face burning, "I just, uh. Yeah" he scratched his neck, looking away.

He looked right back when he heard Komaeda laugh softly.

"You really are strange, Hinata-kun" his expression was back to his usual calm smile, but there was something new there.

A new, permanent spark.

"Maybe I am" Hajime finally admitted, smiling as well.

Nervousness returned as he realized he still needed to ask another question. 

This was the part he had actually planned, and yet, it seemed even more difficult. Gathering himself, Hajime inhaled slowly. This was it. He didn't want to admit the stupid book had won just yet, but it did make him think. He had an idea, and he just couldn't keep it to himself anymore.  
This was risky, and he had no clue if it would work. But he had to try. Because he wanted to see Komaeda happy.

"Would you..." he looked at the other, willing his voice to stay calm.

"Would you like to go for a walk?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woo boy this was a big one!!  
> normally i try to keep the chapters around 5000 words, sometimes 6000. this one is...9600 :)
> 
> special features include: cryptid hair, children's card games, we interrupt this broadcast to bring you random bdsm education, an existential crisis over sewing, threats made with a bath scrubber in hand and...  
> oh yeah, more yearning :)
> 
> im really happy its finally done!! it took a lot of effort so i hope its enjoyable <3  
> you can probably tell this is a bit of a turning point. stuff is going to get weirder from now on :)  
> hajime is trying to get komaeda to go out...will he succeed??? it's a secret!!


	8. Connected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Komaeda trusts someone again, and Hajime is determined not to let him down.

Jabberwock Island was a very different place than what Hajime originally thought.

He realized pretty early on that the simulation was not as accurate of a representation of real life as he believed it was. The island in the simulation was more like a movie set, a clean, perfect, never-changing version of reality. Once you knew how unreal it was, you couldn't stop noticing it. The actual island was so different Hajime wondered how any of them were ever fooled in the first place.

The tropical sun was scorching, the air was often damp and heavy. Days would pass with not a cloud in the sky, only for it to suddenly start pouring for weeks. But more than anything, the island was alive. A little strange, as one might have thought an apocalypse would mean a desolate, silent, dead landscape. Nothing except the wind and the distant waves. But then again, this wasn't a real apocalypse. There were still people alive, and even more importantly.

Bugs.

Hajime never before recognized what a tropical climate really meant. As it turned out, it mostly meant bugs. A lot of bugs. 

They were the reason the island always seemed to buzz, moving, dynamic. You couldn't walk a couple of meters without noticing them. Flies, mosquitoes, beetles, spiders, butterflies and moths. Sometimes they would literally fly in your face, and avoiding them became an unconscious habit, like dodging holes in a well-known road.

The time Hajime noticed them the most nowadays were nights. Nights on the island were loud. Everything seemed to chirp, to buzz, the otherwise silent landscape only exacerbating the noise. Crickets were relentless, but they weren't even the worst offenders. That title went to the cicadas. Hajime thought he was used to them, having spent a lot of his summers in the Japanese countryside. But those were small fry compared to whatever tropical abominations resided here. 

The noise was almost deafening if one wasn't able to tune it out. Some nights were better than others, and you never knew what to expect. This particular night, the bugs were hard at work. Relentless chirping flew in from the open window.

Hajime felt like it made the atmosphere even more awkward.

Komaeda was sitting in front of him, silent. He hadn't said anything in the past few minutes, and honestly, Hajime just about had it. He knew this would be tense, but they were reaching levels he didn't even think were possible. He felt like growing wings and flying away, not unlike a cicada. 

That was a disturbing mental image. Great, now he felt awkward and grossed out.

"Komaeda...?" he finally gathered his voice, breaking the silence.

The other's head snapped up like he was shaken out of some trance.

"Ah, Hinata-kun..." he seemed to speak without knowing what to say.

"I asked if you would like to go for a walk"

Hajime exhaled, keeping his eyes trained on Komaeda. This was difficult, but he wasn't going to back down easily. He had to do this.

The white-haired boy looked thoughtful for a moment, expression blank.

"Um, Hinata-kun, I'm sorry but..." he smiled slightly, furrowing his brows, "That really wasn't a very good joke. I don't want to dampen your spirits, but even I can't keep hopeful in the presence of such bad comedy. I am quite a pessimistic person, I suppose, so it's probably best not to waste your effort like that"

Hajime sighed.

"It's not a joke, Komaeda" he moved a little closer again, making sure Komaeda couldn't ignore him, "I'm asking you a question"

Komaeda's eyes were darting around, avoiding his own.

"W-What are you saying, Hinata-kun?" he lifted his hands up, shaking his head a little, "I don't want to imply anything, but, um, are you feeling al-"

"Say" Hajime cut him off, coming closer again.

Komaeda had been steadily shuffling backward the more Hajime moved towards him, and now, his back reached the cage again. Hajime stared at him, leaning on his hands.

"Do you intend to stay in here for the rest of your life?"

There. He said it. The thing he wanted to say since this whole mess began. 

Komaeda looked wholly unprepared for the question.

"Ah, um? Well-" he fidgeted with his hands, "...yes?"

Hajime lifted an eyebrow at him, silent.

"I-if the situation requires it, then..." Komaeda nodded, pensive, "This is simply the best solution, don't you think, Hinata-kun? It might be a little boring, yes, but this way I pose the least danger to everyone else. It's only a fitting place for someone like me. Really, I don't fully understand why you keep insisting on spending time with me, but, well. If you're bored, then-"

"I'm staying" Hajime repeated his earlier words with no hesitation.

"Ah, well, in that case..." Komaeda placed his chin in his hand, thoughtful, "I have to admit that makes me unbelievably happy. Hmm, it's probably not good for me to feel this way, is it?" 

"You're avoiding the topic" Hajime was relentless, "Komaeda, why do you believe this is the best solution? What does this solve?"

"Isn't that obvious?" the other cocked his head to the side, "If I stay here, the chances of everyone else living a peaceful life increase exponentially! I told you my luck affects everything in my vicinity, right? Well, it's not exactly that simple, but close enough I guess..." he trailed off for a moment, "Besides, lucky or not, who knows when I might decide to set something on fire again, right?" he laughed, "So, I decided this is the most hopeful choice I can make in this situation. There aren't many possibilities for good or bad luck inside this cottage. I was hoping I could contain it all here. Well, but then you started butting in, Hinata-kun..." he looked at Hajime with an almost disapproving face.

Ah, so that's what this was about. Hajime figured as much, although he was a little surprised by the extent of it. He had thought Komaeda merely got a little anxious because of his nightmares, and would eventually mellow out. But it appeared this was a planned move, a more or less conscious decision. 

"Since when was a peaceful life your goal?" Hajime pointed out, sitting down next to him, "Didn't you want to become the stepping stone for everyone's hope or whatever? Not exactly a lot of ways to do that if you sit inside and never leave" 

He knew he probably shouldn't encourage Komaeda's rhetoric, but sometimes, it was important to speak to others using their own language. 

A recognition shined in Komaeda's eyes as he finally looked at Hajime properly. The smile that showed up on his face was a little sad, but peaceful.

"I..." Komaeda started, clearly trying to find his words, "I-I think...I'm done now" he spoke as if every word was difficult to get out.

_Done?_

Hajime couldn't say anything for a moment, staring at the other with a confused expression.

"Hinata-kun, I..." Komaeda bit his lip, staring at Hajime, "I wasn't supposed to live this long"

"You...what?" Hajime blinked.

"I always knew it" Komaeda relaxed a little against the cage, "I was prepared for it. This is just the nature of the unique hope I was born with. It was impossible for someone like me to survive long" he smiled, "I thought being accepted into Hope's Peak was going to be the last thing that would happen to me. That's why I was so excited, you know? Because I realized, 'this must be where I will find the hope I was looking for'. That was supposed to be the end" he had a faraway look in his eyes.

An understanding formed in Hajime's mind, a connection he realized was obvious.

"That's why you were able to do what you did" he spoke, and it came out more as a statement than a question.

It's not like he didn't suspect that. It all added up, one way or another. Komaeda truly had nothing to lose.

"Yes" Komaeda nodded, "For the sake of that great hope, I was able to do anything. That was my last opportunity. I knew I would find it at Hope's Peak. I had to"

_I believe my actions will become the foundation of this world's hope. And...if that really happens... Praise me. Tell others what I've accomplished._

_You wanted your life to mean something_ , Hajime silently contemplated.

"I thought I succeeded. It took longer than I anticipated, but in the end, I had managed to die for the sake of everyone's hope. But..." Komaeda trailed off again.

"But you woke up"

He nodded slowly, looking back up at Hajime.

"And...I suppose I didn't have a plan for that" Komaeda laughed quietly, "I assumed I was just going to die, as I was meant to. But then, I think that was naive of me, too. After all, you were there. I can't believe I didn't take the very thing I was looking for all this time into account" he scratched his neck awkwardly, "What a horrible misjudgment"

_The very thing you were looking for...?_

"I think it might be, well..." Komaeda didn't give him time to think, "Since I've already found my hope, I just kind of...don't know what to do anymore" he shrugged, "If I can't become the stepping stone for that hope, then. There is no reason for someone like me to exist anymore. And I realize I should continue working, there must be something even better, brighter on the horizon. But I just can't...I can't anymore. I think...it's best if I just stay here" he placed his chin on his knees, curling in on himself a little, "I know it's horribly cowardly, undignified even of trash such as myself but...I think I'm tired, Hinata-kun"

He looked over at Hajime, who tried to process his words. He was curious, now. Komaeda had found his hope? That would explain why he'd been so...passive. What was it?  
Hajime shook his head. This wasn't the time. Komaeda needed his reassurance now, not his questions.

"There is no such thing as a true ending" he spoke, looking over at Komaeda.

"We expect things to end once we overcome something. Whether it's a good or a bad ending, we believe if we can only reach it, that will be it. And sometimes it's true" he smiled sadly for a moment, memory of gentle eyes and a sleepy voice overcoming him, "But many times, it isn't. As long as we are alive and continue to persist, our stories drag on" 

Komaeda stared at him, head propped against his knees.

"We don't need a purpose to exist" Hajime sighed a little, "That's a lesson someone tried to teach me once. And I didn't listen. Look where that got me" he smiled, a sad note in his voice, "A life is not something you have to be deserving of"

He knew Komaeda wouldn't agree with that, but he wanted to say it. 

"I, too, feel tired sometimes" Hajime admitted, "Because I expected things to end over and over again. But they didn't, and every time, I had to keep finding myself again. A new reality comes, and you either adapt to it, or you give up. And I can't give up. I don't want to" he smiled calmly, "Do you?"

Komaeda was silent for a moment, thoughtful.

"I don't know" he finally stated, "I just don't know anymore"

"That's fine" Hajime shrugged, "As long as it's not a 'no', I'll take it. I think you should continue on, personally. Because there is still something you have to do"

"What is it?" Komaeda's eyes shined, now, full of attention Hajime didn't feel like he deserved.

"I told you already" he said, "You have to decide your future. Everyone else is doing that, too" 

Komaeda searched his face, pale green eyes moving from one spot to another.

"Have you decided, Hinata-kun?" he asked.

"Not entirely" Hajime admitted, "But I'm working on it. I have a fairly good idea, I think" he smiled.

"I see" Komaeda nodded, clearly lost in thought.

They sat there for a while, the noise of the night outside filling the cottage. Komaeda was close enough to Hajime that their sides were touching. It felt comforting, somehow.

"You will never know if you just stay here forever" Hajime spoke up again, quietly, "It might be safe, but there is nothing here. No hope, no despair. No future"

Komaeda furrowed his brows.

"I was supposed to be okay with that" he sounded almost disappointed, "So then, why? Why..."

_Because you still want to live._

"I think it's your fault, Hinata-kun" Komaeda pursed his lips a little, frowning, "You're making me think too much"

Hajime laughed.

"I won't apologize" he said, smiling at the other.

There was silence once more as Hajime gathered his courage. Komaeda's weight felt warm against him.

"I would like it if we went for a walk" he started again, slowly, "You haven't been outside in a while. It would do you good"

There was no answer. Komaeda was frowning, looking like he just wanted to lock himself in the cage again and tell Hajime to go away. 

"I..." Hajime inhaled a little, "I've been thinking. There...there is a lot of things I don't understand yet. But I had an...idea"

This was risky, and kind of insane, and Hajime shouldn't have even considered it. But Komaeda was there next to him, telling him he didn't know what to do. And there was a spark in his eyes, a promise of a future that could become reality if only he allowed himself to dream again. Hajime wanted to see it so badly. He was almost scared of how much he wanted to see it.

If he had to pull some crazy shit to get there, he would. He was just way too deep now. The only way to go was forward.

"An idea?" Komaeda finally spoke, hesitant.

"Yes" Hajime confirmed, "Okay, it's probably going to sound a little strange. But I want you to consider it" he exhaled, and moved over to sit in front of Komaeda again.

"You're scared your choices are going to get someone hurt, right? That if you leave, you risk ruining everything?" he waited until Komaeda nodded slowly, "Then...what if they weren't your choices at all? What if I...ordered you?"

The cicadas outside seemed to purposefully increase in volume, as if trying to emphasize the awkward silence.

"O-Ordered?" Komaeda asked, his eyes wide.

"Yes" Hajime had to use all his strength to keep his composure, "What if I took the choice away from you? What if I made you leave?"

Komaeda stared at him, surprise on his face mixing with confusion.

"We don't know if my luck is better than yours, really" Hajime shrugged, attempting to feign a casual attitude, "I mean, I didn't manage to kill you. That already speaks volumes. But there is a chance they can interact in interesting ways, don't you think?"

The entire time he'd been coming over to see Komaeda, nothing notable happened. Komaeda kept going on about bad and good luck, of course, but Hajime saw it as it was. Days passed, with everything being peaceful. There was a chance Komaeda was right, and everything was just setting up for some incredibly bad luck. But there was also a chance he was wrong. Hajime had to admit he was curious.

"So, I was thinking, what if I call the shots? I've already been doing it, so far, and it seems to be turning out well. I wonder how much power I really have"

He was putting on a persona, trying to keep his voice calm and steady. This was important. He needed to gauge Komaeda's reaction, he needed to see if his suspicions were correct. Keeping his mind on that goal, he moved a little closer again, locking their eyes. He wanted to have Komaeda's attention but needed to make sure not to corner him too much. He had to make sure the other had an out if he needed it.

This was all very, very new. And just a little scary.

"Aren't you curious, too?" Hajime had no clue why his voice got lower, but he decided to roll with it, "If I really, really want something, do you think my luck will bend the world to provide it to me? Do you think it would even overshadow yours if it needed to?"

He didn't actually believe in luck the way Komaeda did, not really. He acknowledged its existence, it couldn't be denied, and he was a little curious about how it worked sometimes. But he didn't think of it as the absolute power like Komaeda did. He needed to talk to the other on his terms, though. Because he needed him to believe his words. 

"What..." Komaeda licked his lips unconsciously, making Hajime's eyes dart to them for a second, "What do you want, Hinata-kun?" 

His voice was unsure, but there was a note of curiosity. This was promising.

"I want you to go for a walk with me" Hajime felt like he was maybe going too Ultimate Actor on this, but he couldn't exactly stop now.

It was a little scary how natural this felt. Just a moment ago, he was talking about such serious things. And now it all appeared so far away, replaced by something Hajime didn't fully understand. Some different side of him that wanted to come out.

"I-I can't, what if something..." Komaeda tried to look away, but visibly couldn't bring himself to.

"Then it will be my fault" Hajime answered swiftly.

Komaeda lifted his eyebrows.

"Y-Your fault? Hinata-kun, that's..." concern made itself known in his voice.

"I will take responsibility for you" Hajime realized how quietly he was talking, "This will be my experiment. All my idea, and so, all my liability if something goes wrong"

"W-Why?" Komaeda was searching his face intently as if he could find the answer in his eyes.

_Because I want to spend time with you. Because I want to explore this. Because I want to see you happy._

"Because I'm curious" this wasn't exactly a lie, either, but obviously not the whole truth, "Because I want to know if I can best you"

"Best me?" 

"Yes" it was probably the lowest, most hushed 'yes' Hajime had ever said, "Truth be told, I still get bored sometimes. I know it's silly, but I do. And you're the opposite of boredom, you know" he smiled a little, although, with his current expression, it probably came out as more of a smirk.

Komaeda most likely didn't know this was basically the greatest compliment Izuru could give a person. Hajime wasn't going to tell him. He was glad people could change their minds, because dismissing Komaeda back then was a dumb choice.

Then again, Izuru didn't make many good choices.

"I want to see which one of us will win when it comes down to it" he leaned in a little to the side of Komaeda's head, observing him closely, "My luck? Your luck? Are my desires strong enough to change fate?"

Komaeda tensed up visibly, a small shiver running through him. Hajime narrowed his eyes. Was this...?

"H-Hinata-kun, that's..." Komaeda swallowed, "That's insane"

Hajime laughed, and it came out gravely, raspy.

"Pot, kettle" he leaned back a bit, towering over the other boy slightly.

Hajime didn't plan this conversation, exactly, but he did imagine it before. An embarrassing amount of times, really. He realized he was letting himself get carried away, but he didn't want to stop now. It looked like it was working, gears grinding in Komaeda's head. 

"Hinata-kun really is scary..." the other said, and there was no negative note to it.

No, it sounded almost like a compliment.

"I've been called worse" Hajime shrugged, a ghost of a smile still on his lips, "So, tell me. Do you think you could humor me? I just want to try it" he attempted to reel back the persona a bit, just to make sure the other knew he was serious when he said, "You can back out at any time if you want to"

Komaeda seemed to be catching on, observing as Hajime's expressions shifted.

"Isn't that just trying to trick fate, then?" he narrowed his eyes a little at Hajime, "Do you think you can deceive luck?"

"I don't know" Hajime shrugged, "But I think I might be able to. Do you?"

The question lingered in the air as the two of them stared each other down. The air felt heavy, somehow, and Hajime realized he was taking shallow breaths as if trying not to break the spell. Komaeda's face was very close all of a sudden. Hajime's eyes lingered on his pale lashes, on his lightly flushed cheeks. The intense focus in the other boy's eyes was making something stir in him.

"Hinata-kun can do anything he wants" Komaeda finally answered, "Your hope is so much bigger than mine. Bigger than anyone else's" there was a slight, familiarly obsessive lilt in his voice, but the words sounded genuine.

Komaeda's adoration towards him was something Hajime thought he understood. He was the Ultimate Hope, whether he deserved that title or not (he didn't). But lately, it's been confusing him more and more. It felt like there was something else there, something he wasn't quite getting.

"Then," Hajime was holding his breath, "Can you trust me to give good orders?"

This was the whole point. If this could help Komaeda, all the theatrics would be worth it. A safety net, a way for the other to feel like he wasn't walking entirely by himself yet. If Hajime leads him, if Hajime makes him do the things he is too afraid to do on his own - there might be a chance.

Komaeda couldn't trust himself. And Hajime couldn't blame him for it, because really, in his place, who would. A life filled with nothing but loss after loss, with prizes that weren't worth it, no matter how much one tried to convince themselves they were. Komaeda didn't trust others, because they would eventually disappear. Komaeda didn't trust the world around him, because it would eventually turn on him.  
Komaeda didn't trust himself, because he would eventually ruin everything.

But he said he could trust Hajime. 

It was a start.

"I'm a good leader, I think" the brown-haired boy kept his voice steady, "I can make us have fun"

Komaeda's eyes widened a little at that, and he smiled nervously.

"A-Alright. If it's Hinata-kun, then I g-guess I can try" he swallowed again, "But, um, if I may ask...what exactly did you have in mind?"

Oh. Right. He still hadn't explained anything, had he?

"Erm, well..." he leaned back a little, suddenly nervous again, "Right, I was thinking, we could start with...this..."

His heart was still racing a little. It seemed he had actually managed to convince Komaeda. Even if it was just a short walk, this was big. A chance to start a new sort of connection between the two of them, a chance to see Komaeda finally relax.  
He couldn't mess it up.

He reached for his bag and fished out the bundle of rope. 

"H-Hinata-kun? Um, what-" Komaeda stared at the rope, blinking.

"L-Let me explain!" he felt his face heat up, but persisted, "I was just thinking, we could try having some sort of a, um, psychical connection?

_Wait, no, that came out horribly wrong._

"P-P-Psych-" Komaeda looked like someone had just told him the earth was flat.

"No, not like that!" Hajime, once again, was starting to consider that idea of flying away, "I meant something like...can I show you?"

Komaeda's eyes darted repeatedly between him and the rope. He bit his bottom lip again (it looked so abused, god), but after a tense moment, nodded.

Hajime felt relief wash over him. Okay, this was the hard part over. Mostly.

He reached for Komaeda's right hand, feeling it tense a little under his grip. He folded the rope in two, making a loop at one end, and wrapped the length of the rope around his wrist, once, twice, then pushed two fingers underneath it, checking the tightness. Satisfied, he wrapped the rope once again, crisscrossing the two ends. The loop went underneath the wrapped part, and when he pulled on the two ends, they tightened, the knot complete. 

He made sure the knot would situate itself on the palm when pulled, not directly on the wrist. Tightening rope around joints was apparently a big no-no, which actually did go in line with his medical knowledge. Rope around a joint could lead to circulation loss, nerve compression, and even broken bones in worst cases. He was perhaps being too cautious for something so simple, but well.  
He was glad this allowed Komaeda to grab the knot and pull on the rope if he wanted to, at least. 

"Um..." the other had been watching him tie the knot with a visibly confused expression, "H-Hinata-kun...?"

Hajime was so focused on his work, he didn't hear him. This wasn't a difficult knot, but to Hajime, it was one of the first things he'd done in a while he actually wasn't instantly good at. There wasn't an Ultimate Shibari Master talent, after all (or at least he hoped there wasn't, because if there was, the people running Hope's Peak would have a lot of explaining to do).  
He practiced it before, as well as a couple of others - just out of curiosity, he kept repeating to himself. But now he was actually glad he did.

He grabbed the loose rope and tied a large loop at the end, creating something like a leash that made it easy to have a steady grip on it.

_It's not a leash, don't start thinking weird shit again-_

"Hinata-kun, what...what is this?" Komaeda was staring at the rope, now more fascination than confusion.

He moved his right hand experimentally, grabbing the knot. He inspected it with his fingers curiously, feeling the texture.

Hajime exhaled slowly. He wasn't sure how to explain this. But he had to try.

"It's a psychical representation of our agreement" he started, "As long as you're wearing that rope, you're under my...command, let's say. You will listen to my orders. In exchange," he grabbed his own end of the rope, "I will take responsibility for whatever happens. Regardless of the situation. As long as you are bound by this, you are not a free person. So, no matter what you do, the results will not be your fault, but mine. I make the decisions, and I take the consequences"

Komaeda looked to be intensely thinking about something.

"That's doesn't really seem like a fair exchange..." he mused, "I can do something horrible, and Hinata-kun will have to take the blame for it? I don't understand why you would want this. What do you get out of this, Hinata-kun?" he laughed quietly, eyeing Hajime with confusion.

"You" the word was out of his mouth before Hajime could really think about it.

Komaeda's eyes widened.

"I told you already" Hajime tried to quickly hide his embarrassment under a mask of composure, "I want to go for a walk with you. If this is what it takes, then I'll gladly do it"

He had to pretend he had an agenda here, other than wanting to help. Because if Komaeda knew Hajime was trying to do this for him, he would never agree.  
Well, he wasn't **entirely** pretending. He did want to spend time with Komaeda outside. Actually, he just wanted to spend time with Komaeda in general.

"A walk..." Komaeda locked his gaze with Hajime's, as if trying to read his mind.

Hajime swallowed against his will. The further this went, the more he realized how insane this would seem to anyone else. But neither of them were exactly normal. Maybe, just maybe, this would work.

"Does that mean I'm Hinata-kun's servant now?" Komaeda smiled suddenly, his tone cheerful, "This is a little nostalgic...how do I keep getting in these situations? I suppose it's just my luck" he laughed.

Hajime stiffened a little, memories of Komaeda's eyes watching his every move from the corner of the room returning. He was always there, always in the background, and back then, seemed so insignificant Izuru didn't even realize when he was finally gone. But now that he was in front of him again, every memory seemed just so slightly different.  
He wished he'd paid attention back then. He wished he could remember more.

"Is that what Hinata-kun really wants?" there was a familiar, teasing lilt in Komaeda's voice, "You should've told me sooner! I would love to serve Hinata-kun with everything I've got"

_I don't doubt it, but that's exactly why I have to keep this controlled._

"If that's what you want to call this, I don't mind" Hajime feigned indifference, "But remember, this is a voluntary agreement. You can back out at any time you wish. And it only lasts as long as we are connected by the rope. Once the rope comes off, it's over"

A game, in the end, was all this was. A play-pretend, but one that could have very real consequences. And this could be what Komaeda needed. An artificial world where he could live free of the constant fear, even if just for a moment.

Hajime wanted to see what Komaeda would do if he experienced this sort of freedom.

"I see..." Komaeda rested his head on his hand, pensive, "I can't say I fully understand what your goal is here, Hinata-kun. But I suppose this is good luck for me, no?" he laughed.

The rope draped across the floor as Komaeda moved a bit closer, sitting in front of Hajime. His expression was calmer now, but there was still interest there, a pensive awakeness. 

"But, do you really think you can handle this, Hinata-kun?" the nervousness in his voice was gone, replaced by a curious, slightly darker tone, "What if I commit some horrible atrocity? Will you really take the blame for it just because of some rope?" he smiled a little menacingly.

"That won't happen. Because I won't let you" Hajime's voice was quiet, but decisive, leaving no room for argument, "That's my part of the agreement. I need to make good choices"

And this was the moment he saw something break in Komaeda. His confident facade fell, leaving a fascinated stare. There was an understanding that shined in his eyes, a realization. Hajime saw him grip the rope a little for a moment, his eyes darting between it and Hajime's face. 

Slowly, as if unsure of his own intentions, Komaeda spoke again.

"Then...tell me what to do, Hinata-kun" 

His voice was different, somehow, subdued, but unlike his calm demeanor. There was something there, anticipation, an eagerness that surprised Hajime. Komaeda's features were calm, but his eyes were almost unreal, so focused, so intent. Komaeda seemed...excited.

Hajime inhaled a little, keeping his composure. He needed to play his part.

"Get up" 

It was almost scary how quickly Komaeda followed the command. He was up on his legs in seconds. Which was probably the reason for why he staggered.

"Careful!" Hajime held him up, white hair brushing against his neck.

"Ah, s-sorry" Komaeda steadied himself, sending Hajime an apologetic look, "Um, what now?"

"Follow me" Hajime pried his eyes away from the other's absorbed expression, heading for the door.

The rope tensed a little when he got ahead of Komaeda. They had about a meter of it between themselves, enough to keep a comfortable distance. He could feel where the other was through it, every movement making the rope brush against his wrist as it turned.

Really, this idea mostly came out of reading the dumb book, but also, because his first one was to just hold Komaeda's hand. And that was a horrible one, obviously, he was pretty sure he would just spend the entire time trying not to pay attention to it. His previous experiences taught him holding Komaeda's hand did things to him, things he would rather not think about.  
Besides, moving would be kind of difficult if they had to keep their hands linked constantly. This was clearly the superior option.

He just had to ignore the sensation of the rope brushing against his wrist, ignore the way it made him conscious of Komaeda's every move.

"Stand here" he motioned for Komaeda to take place near the door.

It felt a little ridiculous to be spelling everything out like this, but that was the point. He needed to establish the roles, and more than that, he needed to make Komaeda feel like Hajime was in control. He needed to show him he was decisive, confident in his orders. They needed to be clear and concise, he needed to play his part as the leader. 

He leaned down and slipped his shoes on, but when Komaeda crouched to do the same, Hajime pulled on the rope a little. It wasn't enough to hurt, but it was a signal.

"I didn't tell you to move" he gave his voice a little bit of a sterner intonation.

Komaeda rose back up immediately, a nervous expression on his face.

"Ah, sorry-" he bowed his head down, staring at Hajime's shoes.

Hajime came closer and reached with his free hand. Once again, he wasn't sure what he was doing, but he let his body decide. This was about feeling too, after all. He needed to try and let go a little if this was going to work.

Slowly, he brushed his hand against Komaeda's jaw, and then grabbed it. He forced his head back up, locking their eyes together.

"You don't need to apologize so much" he felt a foreign quality in his voice, some deep, murky sound.

"O-Okay..." Komaeda was completely focused on him, eyes shining. 

Oh wow. That was a...look. Hajime dropped Komaeda's head to lean down, hiding his expression. There was a simmering feeling beneath his skin, some sort of strange excitement burning in. He needed to control it. 

"H-Hinata-kun, what are you-" Komaeda's eyes widened when Hajime grabbed his shoe, "Y-You don't h-have to..."

Hajime didn't say anything, but lifted Komaeda's foot, and looked up at him. Komaeda's expression was a mix of surprise and apprehension, his eyes wide. Hajime slipped the shoe onto his foot without breaking eye contact. It was a statement as much as anything else.

_I do what I want._

Komaeda's eyes softened a little, his gaze losing focus. His expression lost its uneasiness, replaced by a sort of haze. Hajime finally averted his eyes, putting the other shoe on quickly. 

"Alright" he smiled at Komaeda, coming back up, "Let's go, then"

He saw Komaeda grip the rope in his palm a little tighter, but his gaze remained trained on Hajime. 

_Good. Look at me. You're okay. I'm here._

Hajime opened the cottage door, and the fragrant, night air stormed its way inside. The cicadas were still loud, the island buzzing with energy. This night seemed strange, the colors almost unnatural. The sky was clear, an incredible kaleidoscope of constellations illuminating the landscape around them.  
Hajime never knew what the night sky really looked like before. It was a thousand times better than in the simulation, the extent of it making him feel like the universe truly had no ends and no beginnings.  
The light that enveloped the island's surface looked nearly violet, a bizarre, almost fairytale aura emanating from around them.

Hajime moved forward, the wood beneath him creaking, until he felt the rope tug.

He looked back at the other, stopping to a standstill.

The white-haired boy stared back at him, moonlight enveloping his face. He was wavering on the edge of the cottage door, his feet still behind the doorframe. White hair shined in the dark, pale skin making him look almost ethereal. And his eyes were so focused, so full of emotions he normally would never betray. He was looking at Hajime, searching for something in his expression. The look was almost pleading, almost...

"Komaeda" Hajime's voice sounded foreign in the noisy night.

The other appeared to hold his breath, his hand gripping the knot on the rope.

Hajime held out his hand in front of him, rope dangling from his wrist.

"Come here" he spoke, a clear, calm command.

Komaeda tensed for a moment, and Hajime's heart felt like it went up to his throat. 

But then there was a sound of a shutting door, creaking wood, a tug on the rope. Komaeda shut his eyes as he crossed the threshold of the house in one, long stride. His hand trailed along the rope, reaching blindly.

And then his eyes were open, and he was staring back at Hajime, their hands linked together.

The night buzzed around them as they stood on the wooden platform, the light of the stars above reflecting in Komaeda's eyes. The other boy's hand was so cold compared to his own, but Hajime felt like it was warming him up instead, warming up his entire body. The rope was draped across their hands, its soft texture and weight an unforgettable presence.

"Good job" Hajime spoke softly, smiling a little.

And Komaeda looked up at him, and smiled right back, and Hajime felt like it was all worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND SO IT BEGINS  
> the shenanigans will only increase :)
> 
> i listened to like 6 combined hours of cicada noises on youtube while writing this  
> i think the cicadas might be breeding in my ear canal rn 
> 
> in other news, hajime ur kamukura is showing :) poor nagito is screaming internally someone save him
> 
> these boys be generating so much sexual tension you could use it to power a city lmao


	9. Lean on me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hajime and Komaeda go for a walk. Hajime finds himself thinking too much.

"Careful, there's a hole in this part" Hajime stated, motioning for Komaeda to avoid the obstacle.

The other nodded, gripping the rope, following slightly behind.

The cicadas were not shutting up.

"You can talk, you know" Hajime looked behind to lock eyes with Komaeda, "And walk next to me normally"

"A-Ah, right" Komaeda fidgeted a little, but obediently matched his pace with Hajime's. 

They were quite lucky it was nearly a full moon since otherwise, it would be difficult to walk around without a flashlight. As it were, Hajime's superior eyesight allowed them to move safely with just the moonlight to guide them. It gave everything a fantastical glow, making it feel more akin to a dream than reality.

"Then...um..." Komaeda looked to be searching for a conversation topic, "...why is there a hole in the road there?"

"Oh that," Hajime smiled, "That was the mecha suit"

"The one Kazuichi built for Ryouta?" the other boy cocked his head to the side.

"Same one" Hajime confirmed, "It's not because it was that heavy or anything. It's because Kazuichi installed drills in it"

"Drills?"

"He said it was because Imposter forbade lasers. Drills are the next best thing, apparently" 

Hajime chuckled under his breath. He gave Kazuichi a good scolding then, but looking back, it was a little funny. Just a little.

Komaeda didn't say anything, but Hajime could make out a private smile on his face.

"So, where do you want to go?" he finally remembered they were just kind of walking forward with no direction.

Komaeda turned his head to look at him, surprised.

"You're asking me, Hinata-kun?" he questioned.

"Yes" Hajime nodded, "This is your first time going out in a while, so I want to make sure you're comfortable. Should I order you to answer, or can you just choose somewhere?" 

It sounded a little condescending, but if he had to order him, he would. The fact that Komaeda was out of his cottage at all was a miracle. Hajime didn't want to push it.

"Ah, if you really want me to, then I guess..." Komaeda tapped his lips with his finger, "Maybe...the beach? That's a horribly cliche choice, I know" he lifted his hands up, "If Hinata-kun wants to choose something more interesting, then-"

"The beach it is" Hajime pulled on the rope a little bit, making their shoulders meet for a split second.

Komaeda went silent, but as they continued walking, he seemed to bump into Hajime a couple more times. Almost like he was doing it on purpose. The sound of waves got louder as they approached the shore.

The beach was actually the perfect choice, Hajime thought. It was far enough from the cottages that they didn't risk waking anyone up, but close enough that if something happened, they could rush back.

_If something happened._

Hajime chastised himself internally. He really needed to get over his obsession with Komaeda's health. The white-haired boy had been doing great lately, if the brain scans and blood tests were anything to go by. But no matter how many times Mikan showed him the results stating it's getting better and better, Hajime just couldn't stop. He couldn't stop watching Komaeda, monitoring every flush on his cheeks and every hitch of his breath. He couldn't stop fussing, asking if he'd eaten, if he'd taken his meds, if he feels this or that.  
Komaeda didn't seem to mind at all, but Hajime was still angry at himself. He should be happy the treatments are working. Not freaking out because Komaeda lost his balance for a moment or forgot what he ate for breakfast. These things could happen, they would continue to happen, and Hajime had to stop treating every little thing like it was a sign of an incoming catastrophe.

Huh.

Maybe he and Komaeda really were similar.

"Hinataaa-kun...?" the boy in question turned in front of him, a curious look on his face, "We're here, you know?"

"Ah, right" Hajime shook his head, "Sorry"

"Lost in thought again..." Komaeda teased, "You need to pay more attention, Hinata-kun" 

"Right, right" Hajime shrugged, "Like you're one to talk"

He sensed the rope brush against his wrist as Komaeda got a little ahead of him, stopping when they reached the edge of the beach. The sand began here, small particles of it shining in the moonlight. Hajime felt his breath catch in his throat as he looked up, the horizon stretching in front of them.

He realized he'd never went to the beach at night before. Actually, now that he thought about it, he didn't remember being out at night much at all. He'd maybe tried taking a quick walk once or twice when he couldn't sleep, but he didn't even pay attention to his surroundings back then, lost in frustrating thoughts. 

He was starting to regret it now.

The landscape in front of them was magical. The clear sky shined with thousands of constellations, reflecting on the surface of the water. It made it look like the horizon was just stretching endlessly in both directions. And maybe it was just his extraordinary eyesight, but he could swear the stars shined different colors, creating something akin to an impressionist painting. 

For a moment, nothing seemed to exist besides them and the night sky.

"It's pretty" Komaeda spoke next to him, staring at the sky with somewhat of a melancholic expression, "Right, Hinata-kun?"

Hajime nodded, looking over at the other.

"I haven't seen it before" he admitted, "I've never been here at night, I don't think"

Komaeda was clearly taken aback.

"You haven't?" 

Was it this weird? Hajime was just busy. Nights were for sleeping, not wandering around. Well, if he could actually sleep, that is.

Maybe it was a little weird.

"Have you?" Hajime asked.

Komaeda was silent for a moment, looking over at the waves.

"Yes" he answered, voice quiet, "All the time. I like...I like pretty things" a small smile graced his features.

"Guess that's fitting" Hajime laughed, before realizing what he'd just implied.

He was mortified for a split second, thankfully, Komaeda didn't seem to catch on. 

"Right, so," Hajime kept his voice steady, "We should probably take off our shoes, unless we want to get sand in them"

"Is that an order?" Komaeda questioned, expression curious.

"If you want it to be" Hajime shrugged, leaning down to untie his shoelaces, "I think it's just common sense, but if you want to walk around with a desert in your shoes, be my guest"

He heard Komaeda chuckle a little next to him, the sounds making something warm up in him. 

The other took his shoes off as well - not even unzipping them, Hajime noted. Then why the hell did he need all these zippers at all?

"Hey, Hinata-kun" Komaeda smiled widely all of a sudden, "Do you want to race to the water?"

Hajime blinked a couple of times, confounded.

"Ah, of course not" Komaeda laughed, "That's such a childish suggestion, I don't understand why I thought-"

"It's fine, I just-" Hajime cut him off, a little awkward, "I was just surprised. Um, that's fine. We can do that"

Komaeda smiled with his eyes this time.

"Okay" his voice was calm, but cheerful, "Um, except. What about the rope? It might make it difficult..." 

Hajime looked over at the rope connecting them.

"That's true" he frowned.

"Oh, I know!" Komaeda laughed again, "Let's hold hands!"

Hajime was pretty sure he yelped audibly. 

"...Hinata-kun?" Komaeda lifted a brow at him.

"S-Sure! Good idea! Let's do that!" Hajime said, a bit too loudly.

Komaeda narrowed his eyes at him, but shrugged.

Hajime realized he was waiting for him to make the move. He inhaled.

_It's just holding hands, don't freak out, what's wrong with you._

Gathering himself, he grabbed Komaeda's healthy hand, the bound one. He realized the knot was situated in between their connected palms, and it made him feel...something. 

"I'm not very fast" Komaeda stated, "So I might fall if you run too quickly"

"I won't" Hajime assured him.

They stared at each other for a moment. Komaeda's hand was still freezing, the feelings of soft skin and rope mixing together. Hajime was starting to not mind the cold. 

Suddenly, Komaeda smiled and sprinted forward. Hajime almost stumbled, surprised, but followed suit. The sand crunched beneath their bare feet as they ran forward. The ocean breeze was smacking Hajime in the face, but it felt warm, smelling of salt and algae. The brown-haired boy realized he was laughing too, now, trying to match Komaeda's pace. Their linked arms swung as they moved, the rope draping across them. 

By the time they made it to the water, Komaeda's laugher turned into something more akin to wheezing. He was leaning on his legs, trying to catch his breath. Hajime frowned, immediately feeling a pang of worry.

But then, Komaeda lifted his head back up, and he was smiling, eyes full of shine. His hair was messed up from the wind, if it could even be more messed up than it always was. A slight flush on his cheeks betrayed his poor constitution, but it didn't seem to be bothering him.  
He looked so...alive.

"I'm not sure who won" Hajime admitted, "I think we should call it a draw"

Komaeda nodded, trying to get his bangs out of his face.

Hajime looked over at the sea, the horizon seemingly boundless.

It made him think of the mainland. Of the world they left behind there, a destroyed reality they were no longer part of. It still sometimes felt surreal. They created this little, enclosed island for themselves, and it was so easy to forget about what life outside of it was like.  
He didn't even realize when this had started to feel normal. When this place had become home. 

"Ah!" Komaeda yelped next to him, making him turn his head.

The other boy was straining the rope, trying to get away from the sea.

"What?" Hajime frowned, trying to look for some unseen danger.

"...the water" Komaeda narrowed his eyes at the waves, "It touched me"

He was lifting his bare foot, shaking water off of the cuff of his pants.

Hajime blinked a couple of times, staring at the other.

Then he burst out laughing.

"Hey!" Komaeda narrowed his eyes at him, "What are you laughing about, Hinata-kun? That's really rude!" he crossed his arms.

Hajime attempted a rebuttal, but he couldn't catch his breath for long enough. The image of Komaeda staring at the sea as if it had personally offended him was just too much. His stomach hurt, but he kept laughing, unable to stop. 

Komaeda went silent, staring at him. His expression turned from irritation to something resembling surprise.

"...Hinata-kun?" 

Hajime forced himself to finally calm down. He could feel tears in his eyes.

"S-Sorry" he was trying to catch his breath, "It's just...your face-"

Komaeda came closer now, his eyes focused on Hajime. 

"...what is it?" Hajime, finally managing to stop laughing, questioned.

The other didn't answer, but kept staring, a searching expression on his face. He was closer again, and Hajime felt his eyes unconsciously dart to the other's features. The dim light was making his skin seem that more pale, almost like a ghost's. He just didn't look real.  
It felt like he might just disappear at any moment.

Hajime shook his head a little. What the hell was he even thinking about?

"Hinata-kun looks nice when he laughs" Komaeda smiled calmly.

Hajime was pretty sure his breathing stopped for a moment. He must have made a weird face, because Komaeda spoke again.

"Ah, I suppose it's no good hearing something like that from me..." his expression was just as calm as before.

"N-No, I, um...thank you" Hajime managed to force out, "That's...nice"

He really wanted to sound genuine, but the hammering in his chest was making that difficult. This was ridiculous. Komaeda had only said he looked nice. That was it. He'd given him far more extreme compliments constantly. So why did this make him feel so happy?

He realized he was smiling. Dammit.

"R-Right, so-" he made an effort to bring his voice back to normal, "Let's walk for a bit"

He moved forward and felt Komaeda move right next to him. It was so strange, to have someone follow his every order, his every move, to have someone tune into him in this way. Hajime realized how receptive Komaeda was. He wasn't just compliant, he was actively trying to observe Hajime, to understand his signals.

Hajime was the center of his attention, like a light to follow in the dark night around them. The wet sand gave way under their feet, and Hajime looked back to see their footsteps next to each other. Komaeda kept brushing his fingers against the knot in his palm, a serene look on his face.  
But every time Hajime went a little faster or changed directions just a bit, the other followed suit, not even needing verbal commands. Their steps matched, their arms swinging in sync. And once in a while, Komaeda would glance his way, and Hajime would catch his eyes, calm, shimmering in the hazy light.

This atmosphere was strange, but not unpleasant at all. Hajime realized his body was filled with relaxation, focused on nothing but the sand, the sea, the feeling of rope brushing against his wrist.

_When was the last time he'd felt like this?_

"Huh?" 

Komaeda stopped suddenly, staring at something beneath his feet.

"What is it?" Hajime stopped as well, curious.

"I think..." Komaeda crouched down, narrowing his eyes, "Ah, how lucky! Look, Hinata-kun!"

He started digging something out of the sand, struggling a little. Finally, he uncovered the object, lifting it triumphantly in his hands.

"A shell?" Hajime approached him, trying to make out the details.

It indeed looked like a shell, albeit a fancy one. It wasn't very large, but still interesting. The shape was peculiar, it resembled a cone, but strangely harmonious. Its surface looked polished. Almost like...

"Wait" Hajime touched the shell, turning it over.

"What?" Komaeda looked at him with a curious expression.

"Holy crap" Hajime blinked a couple of times, trying to make sure he was seeing right, "Komaeda, do you know what this is?"

The other simply shook his head.

"Conus Gloria Maris" Hajime stated, amazement obvious in his voice, "Not the largest specimen, but it's definitely that one"

"Is it rare?" Komaeda questioned, not looking very surprised. 

"Not anymore, really" Hajime was running his fingers along the surface, "But it used to be. It was once regarded as the rarest shell in the world. These used to sell for insane prices. Collectors were wild about it" he turned it over, marveling at the intricate pattern, "Nowadays they're easier to find, but the legacy remains. Even so, this is pretty incredible" he looked at Komaeda.

"Why?" the other cocked his head to the side.

"Because you just dug it out of the sand!" he motioned to the hole left behind by the shell, "These are usually recovered by like, scuba divers. And I'm pretty sure we're not even in their usual range anymore. They're most often found closer to the Solomon Islands-" he caught himself finally, shaking out of it.

He'd started rambling about something random again. He rarely even realized when he was doing it, not until he'd start questioning where the knowledge came from. It always felt so embarrassing, too. 

Damn that Ultimate Oceanographer, or Ultimate Paleontologist, or Ultimate...Conchologist?

_Why did he even have that one?_

"Hmm, well" Komaeda tapped his chin, "Normally when I'd find stuff like this, I would usually just sell them. But I can't exactly do that anymore..."

"You could display it" Hajime proposed, "It's pretty, at least. And historically significant"

Hajime turned the shell around in his hands again, observing the way the patterns curved around the end of it. It really was pretty.

Komaeda seemed thoughtful for a moment.

"Then...I'll give it to Hinata-kun" he smiled, nodding.

Hajime stilled, staring at him.

"To me?" he couldn't quite hide his surprise.

"Mhm" Komaeda nodded again, "I know receiving gifts from someone like me probably isn't very pleasant, but if you can bear with it..."

"I-I don't...um...this is still very valuable, Komaeda. Are you sure about this?" Hajime looked at the shell again.

"Well, I don't have much use for it" Komaeda mused, "And Hinata-kun knows more about it than I do"

"Not because I want to, really..." Hajime shrugged a little, "But if you're sure. That's. Very nice. Thank you" he felt nervous for no reason again.

It was the first gift he'd ever received from Komaeda. But it didn't have to be a big deal. Why did he feel like it was?

Komaeda only smiled at him. 

Hajime pocketed the shell, trying to appear casual. He needed to be casual. Casual, dammit.

"I'll take good care of it" he smiled, "Um, do you-"

He stopped when he noticed Komaeda was leaning on his legs again. The boy seemed to be breathing a bit too heavily.

"...are you tired?" Hajime crouched down to meet his eyes.

The other snapped his head up, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

"N-No! I'm fine!" he assured, even as his cheeks were clearly flushed.

Hajime furrowed his brows.

"You're lying" he came closer, Komaeda stilling at his move.

Hajime placed a hand on his forehead, fluffy bangs tickling his skin. Komaeda wasn't burning up, thankfully, although he did seem quite red.

"Don't lie to me when I ask about that" Hajime's voice was quiet but stern, even though he didn't intend for it to be, "Understand?"

Komaeda seemed to be avoiding his gaze. Hajime let out a 'tsk'.

"Don't lie to me, Komaeda" he grabbed on his hair a little, turning his head more towards himself, "Not about this"

The other finally looked at him properly, his eyes wide. Hajime felt something flare up in his chest when the other stared at him, but he smothered it. His gaze was stern, trying to pin Komaeda down. His eyes darted to Komaeda's throat for a split second when the other swallowed nervously.

"O-Okay. I won't" the white-haired boy finally replied, eyes still focused on Hajime.

He didn't sound scared, exactly. But Hajime couldn't figure out what the inflection in his voice was.

"We're going to rest" he spoke up again, voice steady, "Over there" 

He grabbed Komaeda hand's unconsciously this time, heading towards a rock formation near the shore. The other didn't resist, and Hajime felt his palm close against his own a little after a moment. 

He thought he felt his heart do something weird.

_Thump._

"Here" Hajime pointed towards the surface of a larger, flat rock, "Sit down"

He watched Komaeda carefully as he lowered himself. His legs weren't shaky, at least. But Hajime still felt a bit guilty. This was a lot of walking after such a long period of sitting in the cage. No wonder Komaeda got tired.

He plopped down next to the other, hesitating for a moment. But instinct won against common sense, this time.

"Good" he praised, lifting his hand to pet Komaeda's head.

Yes, it was weird, but they were past weird at this point. That was what he hoped, at least.

Komaeda stilled under his hand, gaze fixed somewhere on the ground. His hair was soft as usual, although a little tangled from the wind. Hajime realized he'd gotten closer, still moving his hand.  
A small shiver ran through Komaeda, and the other stopped his ministrations.

"Are you cold?" he furrowed his brows.

"Eh? N-No, I'm fine" he smiled a little nervously.

But he didn't seem to be lying, so Hajime let it go.

"...the view is nice from here" he spoke up after a moment of silence.

That was true. The rocks they were sitting on were extending out into the ocean a little. If one looked directly to the front, it seemed like the water was just all around them, with no land to speak of.

"Mhm" Komaeda nodded next to him, still staring at the ground.

Hajime grabbed the rope, and slowly pulled it towards himself. Komaeda's head snapped up when he felt it, but Hajime didn't look at him. He just continued to pull it, slowly, just enough for Komaeda's hand to be moved a little.

The other seemed to get the hint and shifted a little closer. They were now sitting just a hair away from each other, their shoulders close enough that Hajime could feel the heat emanating from the other.

_Thump. Thump._

"Hey, Hinata-kun" Komaeda stared at the sky above them, "Do you..."

There was a pause, only waves in the distance filling the silence.

"Do you ever feel scared?" 

Hajime looked over at his companion, a questioning look in his eyes.

_What kind of a question is that?_

"...of course I do" Hajime relents, shrugging, "Why wouldn't I?"

Komaeda gazed over at him, seeming genuinely surprised.

"You do?" he questioned, his hair bouncing with the movement of his head.

"Yes" Hajime confirmed, still baffled by the question.

"...huh" Komaeda seemed to consider that for a moment, "But why?"

"Why?" 

"What would you be afraid of?" Komaeda wondered, staring at Hajime, "What is there that can threaten the Ultimate Hope?"

_Oh. He's being serious._

"...you're being serious" Hajime realized, "I...don't even know what to say"

"Eh?" Komaeda lifted his hands up, expression suddenly nervous, "Did I say something weird again? Is Hinata-kun angry?"

Hajime almost wanted to laugh. That reaction was so familiar, he was almost scared at how he welcomed it. 

"No" Hajime shook his head, "Just...surprised. It's fine"

There was silence for a moment as Hajime tried to consider the question.

_What was he afraid of?_

"Nightmares" he stated finally, looking over at the ocean again, "I get...nightmares. Sometimes"

Komaeda stared at him intently now, eyes wide.

"Nightmares?" he repeated, "H-How?"

"Normally" Hajime smiled a little, "What, did you really think I'd be able to sleep just fine after everything that's happened?"

_Actually, you would. That's exactly the way you think._

Komaeda was silent for a moment.

"I just didn't expect it, I guess" he spoke again, "Even Hinata-kun gets nightmares..."

"I'm not a robot" Hajime rolled his eyes, "Even if I seem like one"

Komaeda looked even more shocked at that statement.

"O-Of course not!" his voice was almost ridiculously offended, as if Hajime had insulted him instead, "W-Why would you say that..." he crossed his arms.

"What are you getting heated for?" Hajime laughed, "I didn't say I was. I guess I just..." he thought about it, "I just feel like that sometimes"

There was another moment of silence. Hajime could swear Komaeda moved a little closer again. Somehow, their shoulders were still not touching.

"What are they about?"

The question hung in the air, the waves below them crashing against the rocks.

"The nightmares" Komaeda continued, "What are they about?"

Hajime furrowed his brows a little.

_The world was burning again. Screaming, whether it was agony or obsessive joy, all around him. And his hair was in his face, it kept getting thicker. He tried to get it unstuck from his forehead. His skin was damp, sweat running down his palm, why was it so hot? He couldn't see anymore, the hair choking him, getting in his eyes, in his skin. But then, there was a hand, a familiar one, and it took everything away. His vision was clear, and he could see the bloody landscape in full detail.  
Red nails scraped across his skin._

He shook his head a little. These weren't even the worst ones.

"...death" he spoke finally, his voice quiet, "They're about death"

Komaeda's features seemed to soften with recognition.

"Your own? Or..." the question was almost rhetorical.

"Not my own" Hajime shook his head, "It's everyone. Everyone else. Over and over, again and again"

This time, he was sure Komaeda moved closer. He couldn't prove it, but he was sure.

"Me too?"

Hajime inhaled a little sharply, staring at the other. Komaeda asked the question with something akin to calm curiosity. His face didn't betray anything as he observed Hajime, the wind ruffling his hair.

"...of course" Hajime sighed, "You too"

Actually, recently, it was **mostly** him.

Hajime's nightmares were about death, but they weren't always about the executions and the murders. At the beginning, sure. But then, as he spent his days staring at the Neo World Program pods, as his eyes strained from the screens, his mind jumbled from endlessly monitoring psychodives - they started to change. Instead of brutal homicides, of rooms covered in blood and faces twisted in fear, they were about quiet, silent deaths. 

About opening a pod, only to find the person inside already rotting away. About watching someone fall asleep on the operating table and then never wake up again. About seeing light slowly drain out of their eyes, unable to do anything but stand and watch. About sterile, cold rooms and the smell of disinfectant. About empty beds.

Stopping heart monitors became far scarier than screams of agony.

"How?" Komaeda asked, resting his chin on his knees, "How do I die?"

Hajime stared at him for a moment, his mind feeling unfocused. What kind of a question was that?

He realized this felt strange because he hadn't talked with anyone about his nightmares before. He never expected Komaeda to be the one he would be revealing his issues to. But then again, it did feel easy. Komaeda had a presence that welcomed sharing. 

"Most often?" Hajime waited for the other to nod, "In the hospital"

The boy appeared surprised.

"Really?" he tapped his chin thoughtfully, "That's strange"

"Why?"

"Well...it's not very fitting, is it?" he laughed softly, "I never believed I would die like that"

"You didn't?" Hajime lifted his eyebrows.

Komaeda knew about his diagnosis for a while. But he didn't believe he would die in the hospital?

"I wanted to die for the sake of hope" the other repeated his endless mantra, "But...even if I failed. I don't think I would have had a quiet death. Once my life entered its final round, it just got crazier and crazier. It would be very anticlimactic to just die peacefully, no?" he laughed again.

He feigned indifference, but Hajime could see there was a layer of uneasiness under it. 

_Anticlimatic._

"Maybe you're right" Hajime smiled a little, "Not like it matters. Nightmares are just nightmares, in the end"

Slowly, trying to build his confidence, Hajime closed the gap between their shoulders. He laid his hand down on Komaeda's, rope brushing in between them. The other startled a bit, but didn't pull away.

"Ah, I really am the worst" Komaeda mused, his fingers moving a little against Hajime's, "Aren't I?"

"Why do you say that?" Hajime knew a thousand answers, he'd heard them all before - but he still asked.

"Thinking Hinata-kun dreams about my death...it makes me happy" the other smiled a bit, eyes fixed on the ground.

"Happy?" Hajime furrowed his brows.

"It's horrible, isn't it?" Komaeda looked back at him, laughing, "I guess it's just that. Having Hinata-kun think about me so much..." he trailed off, looking away again.

Hajime was thoughtful for a moment, observing the moonlight reflect on Komaeda's face. 

It seemed weird, but then again, it also seemed fitting. This was Komaeda, after all.

"I don't need to dream about your death to think about you, you know. That's just morbid" he decided to skip the specifics of how he was thinking enough about Komaeda in many other circumstances.

He had some **different** kinds of dreams about him too, didn't he? 

Hajime exhaled a little, trying not to think about it again.

"Is that so..." the other didn't look his way, but Hajime could make out a barely contained trace of a smile. 

Hajime snorted a little against his will. God, Komaeda was fucking weird. But what right did he have to judge?

"Let's head back now" he lifted himself off the ground a little, trying to ignore how letting go of Komaeda's hand felt like a loss.

The white-haired boy got up when he felt the rope tug. Hajime realized they were unconsciously walking a lot closer than before, and he made no move to pull away. 

"I had a lot of fun, Hinata-kun" Komaeda went a little bit in front of him so that they were face to face, "Thank you" 

His smile was honest, calm. Radiant.

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

"That's...good. Me too" Hajime agreed, nodding.

Everything still felt a bit like a dream, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to wake up.

Something under his skin kept nagging at him, and he kept glancing towards Komaeda. Every few seconds, he would remember to stop, but then it would happen again. And again.

The other was closer to the ocean now, avoiding the waves as they came by skipping to the side. Every time he did, he bumped against Hajime, their hands brushing. The brown-haired boy tried not to pay attention to it.

"I really am so lucky" Komaeda smiled as he avoided another wave, "Having Hinata-kun spend so much time with me. This is pretty-"

Everything happened in an instant.

Hajime felt the rope tug before he realized what was happening. He saw everything as if in slow motion, his eyes following before his body could move. 

Komaeda tripped on something, surprise on his face, and fell backward, straight into the water. 

Before he could even process it, Hajime lunged forward, following suit. He saw Komaeda's head getting submerged for a second, and it felt like his entire body went cold. He heard nothing but the splash of water and Komaeda's startled yelp. 

Hajime's hands were on Komaeda's shirt, and he yanked him forward so hard their foreheads almost bumped.

"Argh! Aaaah, haaa-" 

Komaeda wheezed and coughed as his head went back up above the water.

"Komaeda! Komaeda?!"

Hajime was grabbing desperately at the other, his wet hair, his wet shirt, anything he could reach. 

"I-I'm- Haaa, O-Okay-" Komaeda kept finally spoke through the coughing.

Hajime didn't hear it. He cupped Komaeda's face, examining his head, trying to feel for injuries, his body working faster than his mind. Everything felt like it was on fire, despite the water around them. A thousand scenarios had run through Hajime's mind all at once, and he couldn't stop the tapes from rolling.

"Hinata-kun"

He finally snapped out of it when he heard Komaeda's voice, raspy, but calm.

"I'm okay, Hinata-kun" 

The other was smiling, although still clearly trying to get the taste of saltwater off of his lips.

Hajime forced himself to calm down, breathing in. 

"S-Sorry, I-" he leaned back a little, shaking his head.

They were both in the water now, although Hajime had managed to keep his upper half above it, crouching on all fours. Komaeda got completely submerged and was soaking wet. 

"Hinata-kun" Hajime startled as the other came closer.

There was a touch on his fingers, under the water, so tentative he barely felt it. It was his healthy hand, too, he realized. He could feel the rope, and wondered idly if it would be damaged by the saltwater. 

"Hinata-kun" Komaeda repeated.

Hajime felt his breath hitch. Everything became murky, all of a sudden. He could feel the warm water sloshing against his legs, sand and rocks in between his toes. And Komaeda was suddenly right next to him, leaning forward. There was nothing in his field of vision except pale skin and white hair.

"You caught me" 

A drop of water fell off Komaeda's lips as he spoke. His tone was surprised, almost, but quiet, ringing only in Hajime's head. 

"...yes?" Hajime wanted to berate himself for the not very intelligent response, but he felt too confused.

Komaeda didn't answer. But his eyes darted to Hajime's own, then lower, then back again. He was flushed still, streams of water going down his face from his hair. Hajime could spot the pink scab where Komaeda always bit his lip, made glossy by the wetness. 

His mind was reeling, now, his eyes not knowing where to look. Just a moment ago, he was mortified, desperate to catch Komaeda before anything else. He jumped in without thinking, his brain screaming nothing but 'Komaeda, Komaeda, Komaeda-'

And now it felt like it was screaming again, but for entirely different reasons. The adrenaline was still buzzing in Hajime's veins, his breathing still quick. But it was only getting quicker, as Komaeda's fingers moved across his palm under the water, as droplets of water kept falling off his hair, as his wet lashes fluttered when he blinked.

The atmosphere shifted so quickly, Hajime almost wanted to complain, to tell Komaeda to stop, to let him check if he got injured, to let him-

But he couldn't, something in him frozen in time, unwilling to break the air. It was like all these other times, a tentative buzzing beneath his skin, a tense feeling that made him want to both scream and stay as quiet as possible. Komaeda was so _close_ again, and it shouldn't bother him, he should be used to it. The other never cared for personal space much.

But it did. It bothered him, because he kept staring, because he wanted to move away, but couldn't.

"Isn't this selfish of me?" Komaeda laughed suddenly, quiet, soft. 

Hajime could swear he felt it reverberate against his neck, brush over his skin.

"...selfish?" he licked his lips unconsciously, gaze still trained on the other.

"Mhm..." Komaeda's eyes went glossy, lashes throwing shadow against his cheeks, "I wasn't scared at all"

Hajime tried to force his thoughts to make sense, but the smell of saltwater and Komaeda's shampoo felt like it was drilling holes in his brain.

"W-Why not?"

Komaeda smiled at him.

"I'm really, really horrible..." his voice was sleepy, somehow, or maybe just still weak from the coughing, "I didn't feel scared because I thought Hinata-kun would definitely catch me..."

His eyes locked with Hajime's again, a mix of awe and something Hajime couldn't recognize mixing in them.

"I...did. Catch you" Hajime gulped a little.

"Yes" Komaeda confirmed, turning his head a little, "You did"

The waves were breaking against their bodies, but Hajime didn't feel it. 

"Just because Hinata-kun said he would take responsibility..." Komaeda smiled, "How pathetic. To lean on an Ultimate such as yourself..."

"Please do"

Hajime said the words before he could think. He immediately felt his face heat up once he realized that it had come out of his mouth.

Komaeda's eyes widened, and he stumbled a little, hand slipping from Hajime's own. 

"Is it..." he spoke, and his voice was but a whisper, "Is it an order?"

Hajime swallowed. 

"Yes" his answer sounded low, just as quiet as Komaeda's, "As long as you wear that rope, please, lean on me"

_Listen to me. Look at me. Depend on me. Believe in me._

_Trust me._

Hajime saw Komaeda's breath hitch, felt his fingers curl a little around his own. 

_Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump._

Hajime reached with his hand, not really thinking. He touched Komaeda's chest, and realized.

"...you're completely soaked" 

Komaeda blinked and looked down on himself.

"Ah..." he looked almost surprised, "I am"

"Get up" Hajime didn't know what he gave the command for, because he then proceeded to lift Komaeda up himself.

The other staggered a little on his legs, but held out, leaning on Hajime.

Komaeda was wet from head to toe, his clothes clinging to his skin. His hair was still dripping, water streaming down his neck. And oh god, that shirt was white. Of course it was.

Stupid Komaeda and his stupid monochromatic wardrobe.

Hajime averted his eyes as they went back to the shore.

"Take that off" he instructed.

Komaeda went rigid.

"...um, Hinata-kun?" 

"The shirt" Hajime furrowed his brows, looking towards the other again, "It's completely soaked"

"I-It's fine-" Komaeda lifted up his hands, "I'm not cold..."

"There's breeze" Hajime insisted, "The water might be warm, but it's still nighttime. Take it off" 

His last words were sterner, and he saw Komaeda inhale a bit sharply. There was a moment of hesitation in his eyes, but then Hajime tugged on the rope a little, and his expression softened. Hajime's eyes darted to his bottom lip as Komaeda bit it again. 

"O-Okay, but, um..the rope?" Komaeda eyed the thread connecting them.

"Ah, right" Hajime shook his head, "Stand still"

He grabbed the knot on Komaeda's palm and pulled one of the parts of it. He wasn't actually entirely sure if it was going to work, but thankfully, his education didn't disappoint. The knot loosened without untying, enough so that he could pull it off Komaeda's hand.

"Huh..." Komaeda looked at his free hand, curious, "That's a neat trick, Hinata-kun"

Hajime only waved at him dismissively, but there was a small spark of happiness somewhere in his chest.

Getting praised for things he'd actually had to work to learn was rare.

The shirt made a gross squelching sound as the other boy pulled it off. Not that Hajime particularly noticed. He was way too busy realizing how he'd just dug his own grave again.

Komaeda's pale skin almost shined in the darkness. He was all pointy angles and long limbs. Hajime realized how low cut his pants were. What was even up with that style?

He got saved from his thoughts when Komaeda shivered a little.

"You are cold" Hajime furrowed his brows, and started to unbutton his own shirt.

"H-Hinata-kun?" Komaeda's gaze darted to his hands, only to instantly tear away from them again. 

Hajime took his shirt off, thanking his luck. Somehow, he'd only gotten a couple of drops of water on it. Most of it was still dry.

"Komaeda" he noticed the other was staring at the ground with what seemed like incredible determination.

Komaeda startled, looking back at him when Hajime started to put his shirt on him. 

This was dangerous, Hajime realized, although he couldn't figure out why. But it felt like it. As he started to button up the shirt, his gaze wandered to Komaeda's chest. His skin looked so soft, untouched. There was a small scar running down one of his ribs. Hajime wondered about it. He'd have to ask sometime. 

He felt Komaeda shiver when he touched him by accident, knuckles brushing against his skin.

"Sorry" he murmured.

He was about to pull away, but Komaeda grabbed his hand. He looked over, noticing the other was staring at the rope.

"Ah, right" Hajime realized, "Give me your hand"

Komaeda did that almost too quickly, eyeing with intense focus as Hajime tightened the rope back on his wrist. It was wet too, and got a little heavy because of it. He would have to dry it later, Hajime mused, but then he lifted his head, and all his thoughts dissipated.

Komaeda was staring at him, eyes glossed over. He looked out of it, a little. A droplet ran down his cheek, and Hajime instinctually moved to wipe it away. But then, his hand lingered.

And at that moment, Komaeda was no longer the sick boy he carried around in the hospital. 

And Hajime was still staring, still watching him, but now, it didn't feel like it was for medical reasons. 

Komaeda's face was so warm. Komaeda's eyes were so bright. Komaeda's hair looked so soft, his skin looked so smooth.

_Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump._

"Hinata-kun..." 

Hajime observed the other's lips as they moved. He brushed his thumb against them, thoughtlessly, he felt their chapped texture. 

His blood was rushing in his ears, his heart leaping. What was happening?

"Ah, this is bad..." Komaeda smiled a little, and Hajime pulled his hand away.

But then, he felt air being knocked out of his lungs as Komaeda leaned forward, wrapping his hands around him.

White hair brushed against his skin, the smell of salt and algae and soap overwhelming him. Komaeda nuzzled his head into the crook of Hajime's neck. Hajime felt him shake a little, hands grabbing at his bare back.

_Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump._

"W-What is?" Hajime's own voice sounded alien to him.

"Hinata-kun is so nice to me..." Komaeda whispered, almost, the sound close to Hajime's ear, "If this goes on, I will just start to like you more and more..."

_Like you._

"That would be bad" the other smiled, "I think if I like Hinata-kun any more, I might die"

_Like you_

_Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. THUMP-_

_Like you._

Hajime felt like his entire world spun, like the ground was knocked from beneath his feet. His lungs were on fire, his stomach flipping over on itself. Komaeda's body in his arms, wearing his shirt, was like burning coal under his fingertips. 

All of the words he'd denied himself suddenly flooded his mind, and he could hear nothing but the beating of his own heart.

**I like you.**

As soon as that settled in his mind, it all made sense. The presence nagging at his brain dissipated, leaving nothing but haze and warmth. 

He liked Komaeda.

That was it. The truth he'd tried so hard to bury got dragged out of him, almost forcefully. And he was standing there, nothing but sand and waves around them, nothing but Komaeda's hair and soft touches around his body. 

Unable to do anything else, he brought Komaeda closer, shutting his eyes. The hands on his back felt as cold as always, but he wanted to feel more of them, he would gladly let them roam on his body, let them feel every centimeter of skin. 

Oh god.

It was so obvious now that it seemed like it had been staring at him the entire time. And it sort of had been, Hajime just hoped that maybe if he ignored it, it would go away. That maybe he could just forget weird dreams, ignore weird thoughts, and throw away weird books. 

But he didn't do any of that, and now, it all piled down on him.

He liked Komaeda. He wanted Komaeda. He fell for Komaeda.

**Komaeda fucking Nagito.**

"Um...Hinata-kun?" 

Hajime tried to steady his breathing, do anything, but his mind was full of cotton.

"Are you...okay?" Komaeda finally pulled back, his face clearly concerned.

Hajime needed to get this under control, he needed to stop.

Breathing in, he summoned all of his strength, trying to reel his mind back in. But it slipped through like sand, flowing from between his hands. Still, he forced his voice to appear steady, at least.

"Sorry" he had to look at Komaeda, even if it made everything worse, "Just...thinking"

Komaeda lifted a brow at him, but Hajime didn't even care.

"We should go back" he stated, "I'm sure it's late. We need to get some sleep"

He was speaking, but his mind was completely elsewhere. It felt like his own body didn't belong to him. 

"Alright..." Komaeda still stared at him, questioning, but followed as they walked back to where they left their shoes.

Except when they were putting them on, Hajime noticed the other was breathing heavily again.

He glanced around nervously. They weren't that far from the cottages, but it was still a bit of way. He didn't want Komaeda to overexert himself.

Actually, that was an excuse, and he couldn't even lie to himself anymore. His fingertips felt like they were burning, his head not cleared up at all. He wanted to have Komaeda closer, to feel his presence. It was ridiculous, but he felt like he would burst if he didn't.

"Komaeda" the other looked over at him, "Can I carry you?"

"H-Hinata-kun?" Komaeda blinked, "Um, I'm okay-"

"I know" he cut him off, coming closer, "I just. I want to" 

He had no real clue what he was saying, but it didn't matter. He couldn't bring himself to care, his thoughts filled with nothing but the boy in front of him.

"Please" he lowered his voice, almost to a whisper, "Please, Komaeda"

Even though it was almost begging, it didn't sound like it. Hajime noticed Komaeda shivered.

"O-Okay" 

Hajime felt himself move before his mind registered it. He hoisted Komaeda up in his arms, completely, lifting him up by both legs this time. The other yelped, startled, but clung to Hajime, wrapping his legs around his waist. Cold hands were on his back again, and Hajime instantly felt calm.

His own shirt was brushing against his bare chest, along with Komaeda's still wet pants. Everything was warm, and for once, he was grateful for his ultimate strength. Komaeda's weight was nothing at all to him, not even slowing him down as he headed for the cottages.

Komaeda was clutching his wet shirt in his hands still, but Hajime didn't even feel it properly. His mind was screaming and completely quiet at the same time, the desire to acknowledge what was happening fighting with the desire to let the dream continue. To let himself feel nothing but Komaeda's body flushed against his own, the buzzing of night around them, the warmth of the fragrant air.

He felt it as they made its way to Komaeda's cottage, he felt it as he opened the door with one hand. He felt loss as he finally let Komaeda down, setting him on the bed. 

"I didn't have to walk at all...how convenient" Komaeda laughed a little, although his voice seemed strained.

"R-Right, um-" Hajime was about to most likely say something stupid again, but stopped.

His gaze fell to Komaeda's ankles as the other took off his shoes, and he stilled. There were cuts all over them, pink blotches of blood littering the skin.

"Hinata-kun?" Komaeda cocked his head to the side curiously as Hajime leaned down, examining the injuries.

"The bathroom" Hajime rose as quickly as he crouched down, "I need to take care of this"

Komaeda looked like he wanted to argue, maybe, but Hajime sent him a pointed glare. 

"Take off those pants, too" Hajime directed while he fished out the first-aid kit from under the sink, "They're soaking wet"

The command was followed with no hesitation this time, most likely because Hajime's tone left no room for complaints. 

He was angry at himself, a little. He was so busy freaking out over his realization he forgot Komaeda was still wet and most likely very uncomfortable. He didn't notice the cuts, either. 

He turned around with the first aid kit, finding Komaeda sitting on the shower stool. The wet pants were actually hung on the side of the bathtub instead of thrown in the laundry hamper this time, he noted.

"And what about these-" Hajime started, but narrowed his eyes, "Wait, are they...dry?" 

"Oh, yes" Komaeda laughed a little, examining his underwear, "How lucky, right?"

_More like ridiculous,_ Hajime mused, but decided to keep his comments to himself.

"Nevermind" he shook his head, kneeling down, "Give me that"

Komaeda compliantly let Hajime examine his ankles. There were a couple of small cuts, but a single, large one on his left foot made Hajime frown. It looked a bit too deep for comfort.

"Why didn't you say anything?" he questioned as he disinfected the cuts.

"I didn't realize" Komaeda answered, but when Hajime glared at him, he lifted his hands up, "I swear! I was um...distracted..." he averted his gaze, staring at the laundry hamper, "I thought something felt a little uncomfortable, but I assumed they were just bruises. I get hurt a lot, it's not a big deal..."

"I should have noticed" Hajime narrowed his eyes, wrapping bandages around the cuts.

"Eh? It's f-fine, Hinata-kun..." Komaeda stared at him.

Hajime was not feeling much better, being able to stave off his thoughts only for the sake of, as usual, taking care of Komaeda. But now, in addition to his still way too loudly beating heart, the exhaustion was beginning to set in. It was late, they had stayed out a lot longer than he intended. And he didn't sleep that well the previous night. Or the night before that.

All of that combined was making it difficult to focus. 

"Must have cut yourself on rocks when you fell" Hajime mused, "Is this too tight?" he asked, testing the bandage.

"N-No, it's okay" Komaeda nodded.

Hajime returned the first aid kit to its rightful place, for once grateful that the bathrooms were small. The rope would make it difficult to move around much. 

Right. The rope. He should probably take that off, right?

"Hinata-kun..." before he could follow through with that notion, Komaeda spoke up again, "Um, aren't your pants wet, too?"

Hajime looked down on himself, only now realizing that yes, indeed, the entire lower half of his slacks was completely soaked. He cursed under his breath, pulling them off. He struggled a little, but they came off, and he hung them on the bathtub, next to Komaeda's.

"R-Right, so..." Komaeda started, his eyes darting around the bathroom.

"You need to go to sleep" Hajime demanded, trying to ignore his own sleepiness, "It's really late"

"Ah...right..." 

Komaeda looked dejected for some reason. As they made their way back to the room, he hung his head low, fidgeting with his hands. He kept brushing the rope, staring at it.

"Come on, I'll take it off" Hajime approached him, "You shouldn't sleep with it, it's dangerous"

Komaeda stared at him, but made no move to give out his hand. It seemed a little...deliberate.

"Are you...defying an order?" Hajime narrowed his eyes.

The other looked startled, but surprisingly enough, persevered.

"I'm...sorry...Hinata-kun, I-" he bit his bottom lip, again, "I don't...want to..."

Hajime felt like his logical brain had said goodbye. Because he was finding this cute. 

"Do you not want to?" Hajime moved closer, staring Komaeda down, "Or do you want me to take it off by force?" 

He had no clue where it came from, but he suspected a combination of exhaustion and his hazy, Komaeda-riddled mind. 

The other's eyes widened, and he swallowed visibly.

_Got you._

"That's fine" Hajime grabbed Komaeda's wrist, smirking, "I'll do what I have to"

Komaeda's breathing got a little funny as Hajime yanked on the rope. Once, twice. 

Oh.

Hajime had a feeling he was doing something he would really regret in the morning. But that was a faraway idea, his brain tired enough that he couldn't really have many thoughts at once. His current ones were mostly about Komaeda. Okay, almost entirely about Komaeda.

"That's it" he cooed, sticking his fingers under the rope, "That's good. Be calm, now" 

It was nonsense, mostly, whispered as he loosened the rope with one hand. But Komaeda seemed to be eating it up, staring at him with wide eyes. 

That stare was doing a lot for Hajime. Way too much, actually.

"Good job" he praised when the rope came off, Komaeda not moving to stop it.

And then, he had to break the spell. This was it.

"Alright" he laid the rope down on the bed, "I think this went well. You-"

He stopped when he felt his waist being grabbed.

"Huh?" 

Something fluffy brushing against his neck. Cold hands on his bare stomach. 

"K-Komaeda?" he turned his head around, staring at the boy hugging him.

"I did good, right?" the words were muffled, but he could still make them out.

They reverberated against his back. Dammit.

"Eh? Yes, you did..." should he be praising him without the rope, even? 

"Then...if I did good..." Komaeda lifted up his head to look at him, "Don't I deserve a reward?"

Hajime stilled for a moment.

_A reward..._

_Oh no no, don't go there, Hajime, don't you dare go there-_

"W-What...would you like?" he knew he probably should have thought about this more, but he was also very eager to get Komaeda off his back.

The other looked contemplative for a moment, his eyes clearly closing against his will. He was exhausted, too.

"Then..."

Komaeda grabbed his hand, dragging him over to the cage. He crawled in, and stared at Hajime from the inside.

"Um...?" Hajime blinked.

The white-haired boy didn't speak, but grabbed his hand again, motioning for him to come closer. Hajime crouched, but then, before he realized, he was being dragged.

Inside the cage.

"K-Komaeda?" 

"Hinata-kun..." 

Hajime had realized a while ago that Komaeda got a bit...strange when he was tired. It didn't seem concerning back then, but now he was reconsidering. Because sleepy Komaeda was twice as difficult to ignore.

He wanted to scream at himself.

"Hinata-kun..." Komaeda repeated, laying down on the mattress. He kept holding Hajime's hand, the same one that he was using to hold the rope earlier, Hajime noted. 

He recognized Komaeda's charades. The other wanted him to stay while he fell asleep.

They've done that a couple of times after that first one, usually with Hajime sitting outside of the cage and holding Komaeda's hand. It was nerve-wracking every time, and now Hajime at least knew why.

Wait, no, don't start unpacking that again now. 

Komaeda sent him a hazy smile, dragging him further in. 

This was very much still not okay. He should not be sleeping, or hugging, or be anywhere too close to Komaeda right now. Because his skin still burned wherever the other touched him, because his eyes were still following him too much, because his stupid brain would not shut up.

So of course, what he said was:

"I'll stay" 

_Goddammit._

"Really?" Komaeda smiled, and it looked like the softest smile he'd ever seen.

Hajime felt cursed.

"S-Sure, whatever" he forced out.

He wanted to say no, he really did. But Komaeda was laying there, staring at him like he was the eighth wonder of the world. And also, he'd **just** taken off the rope. He felt like it would be bad practice to leave Komaeda alone so soon.

_That stupid book rubbed off on him._

"Scoot over" he tried to cover his embarrassment with a stern attitude.

Komaeda complied, and somehow, they managed to fit on the mattress together. Barely. This was not comfortable in any sense of the word. 

But then the other wrapped his hands around Hajime, and complaints were out the window.

Komaeda was really big on that whole psychical contact thing, Hajime noticed. Which made sense. Even ignoring his lack of understanding of personal space, Komaeda was clearly touch starved. Considering his history, it wasn't that weird. Not that Hajime was any better, as he was now realizing. 

Although it might not have been about touch in general, it might have just been about Komaeda.

As much as he normally complained about it, this situation was starting to make him view his Izuru side in a more positive light. Because if it wasn't for his, clearly ultimate-level, restraint, he would already have been running out the door ten times by now. 

He was half-naked, tired, and stuck in a cage with Nagito Komaeda. The person he, apparently, liked. And that person was hugging him because he just hadn't been subjected to enough suffering already.

"Mhm..." Komaeda nuzzled into him a little more, and he could swear he heard his brain melt.

He had no clue what that would sound like, but he was pretty sure he heard it.

"G-Go to sleep..." he didn't mean to say that out loud, but thankfully, Komaeda was too out of it to realize.

The room was silent, lights off, filled only with Komaeda's soft breathing. Even the cicadas had gone quiet. Hajime felt like nature was mocking him. 

He was tired, again. All of his emotions, usually kept on a fairly short leash, escaped him at once. And now he just felt...light. Like he was floating, far from earth, stuck somewhere on that pretty night sky. His mind and body felt separate, fighting. He felt Komaeda's warmth flush against him, the fabric of his own black button-up a strange texture against his skin. His breath hitched when Komaeda tangled one of his legs with his own. Every move felt like it burned, but at the same time, it felt familiar. Comforting.

It was okay. He just needed to lay there quietly until Komaeda fell asleep. And then he could slip away, back to his own cottage, and be alone with his thoughts. He could scream into his pillow, or stare at the ceiling, or do anything else people usually did when they realized they liked someone. He wasn't actually sure what the proper behavior for this situation was.

But that was scary, too. He didn't want to be left alone with his thoughts at all.

His mind was scattered once again when Komaeda shifted a little, metal fingers brushing against Hajime's back. 

It was okay. He just had to stay awake, to wait. He just had to ignore the warmth and comfort, ignore the body tangled up with his own. Ignore the soft hair tickling his neck and the sound of the other's shallow breaths. He just had to stay awake.

Stay awake.

Stay...awake...

The night was finally silent as Hajime closed his eyes, his mind peaceful at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think everyone could see this coming, hajime is absolutely 100% too deep, he cannot go back  
> CAN WE GET SOME APPLAUSE FOR OUR BOY THO  
> he finally did it, the mad lad  
> he finally realized he's pining  
> took like what, 8 chapters? those are rookie numbers, hajime 
> 
> komaeda unlocked hajime's free time event with that shell lmao
> 
> btw, I'm half asleep. who's writing fics at 3 am? oh boi 3 am :)
> 
> komaeda: basically confesses for the 345 time  
> hajime: too busy screaming internally to notice  
> never change hajime :))) we love you :)))
> 
> also i am weak for komaeda getting to be carefree its NEEDED please this boy deserves it  
> let him have fun and laugh and stuff!! l e t h i m


	10. Remission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hajime is freaking out, but it's mostly in a good way. Somewhat.

Warmth.

All around him, warmth.

It was everything he felt, surrounding him, creeping into every nook and cranny of his body. He was floating, a sea of heat gently rocking him. Bright colors danced behind his eyelids, feelings of sun and waves and sand flowing through him. It was not unlike a memory of a long summer, one he had left behind long ago. 

It smelled of almonds and honey. It was so, so warm.

Too warm, actually. Now he felt like it was burning. He couldn't breathe. 

Hajime opened his eyes, and the first thing he saw was white.

Blinking once, twice, he finally realized he **actually** couldn't breathe.

"Haa-" he moved his head away from whatever was choking him, gasping. 

Now he could see that the thing that attempted to kill him was something between a sheep's wool and a marshmallow. 

_Ah._

Still disoriented, Hajime brought his gaze downwards.

That was mistake number one.

Komaeda was sleeping peacefully, his face in a position that suggested it had been half-buried in Hajime's neck before the other moved away. His expression was so calm, so completely and utterly defenseless, Hajime felt like he was almost unworthy of witnessing it. Komaeda looked like an angel, a comparison that was both inappropriate and frustratingly accurate. Soft light coming in from the window made his every feature delicate, as if they weren't enough already.  
His hair was perfectly on Hajime's nose level, which explained why he almost died of suffocation. 

And why everything smelled like an almond plantation.

Hajime felt a familiar thump in his chest. He was only half awake, but that was quickly changing as his eyes wandered lower.

Komaeda's chest moved up and down slowly as he breathed calmly, clearly still in dreamland. His hands had fallen off the other boy's back sometime during the night and were now laying between them, touching Hajime's stomach. They were, for once, actually warm, even the metal having absorbed Hajime's body heat. Komaeda was a lot warmer than usual in general. 

He was still wearing Hajime's shirt. The black fabric stood out starkly against his pale skin, and wow, Komaeda looked good in dark colors. No one would ever know, since he refused to wear anything but his damned t-shirts. Well, until now.   
Even though Komaeda was a little taller than him, the shirt looked too big. Mostly in the chest. As he was laying on his side, there was now a large gap, and Hajime was in the perfect position to see way too much of Komaeda's bare skin. He tried to look lower to avoid it, but, oh. 

Their height difference was only about a centimeter, but it often seemed like more, mostly because Komaeda was...long. He was skinny, and all his limbs seemed just very lengthy. His torso looked like it went on just a tad too far sometimes. The shirt seemed to have ridden up during the night, which meant most of Komaeda's belly was completely exposed. 

It was _Hajime's_ shirt. On Komaeda. And it wasn't even doing its damn job of covering him up.

His boxers (the dry ones, which was still ridiculous) were a bit low, seemingly because the waistband was very loose. They appeared well worn, their colors washed out. And Hajime would have personally paid for a better pair if it meant Komaeda's lower abdomen wouldn't be in full view. It was almost like the other was doing this on purpose, except obviously not, because he was asleep. 

Just Hajime's luck, that was all that this was.

He swallowed, throat dry. He wanted his glass of water.  
Komaeda shifted a little, and Hajime could swear he felt his heart stop. Thankfully, the other didn't wake up, only moved his legs a little. 

Legs that were still tangled with Hajime's own. 

Hajime related to Sonia all of a sudden, because all he really wanted to say was, _Jesus, Shit, Son of a bitch._

His mind was getting back to him, and he really wished it wouldn't. The more awareness he gained, the tenser his body got, the hotter his face became. He could feel his pulse quickening, and he just wished his heartbeat wasn't as loud as he heard it, because that hammering would definitely wake the other boy up. 

He was laying literally centimeters away from Komaeda, their bodies touching, their legs wrapped around each other. After having slept through the whole night like that. Together. On one mattress. With **Komaeda**.

The person he, for some unknown, ridiculous, completely insane reason, fell for.

Hajime would be the first to admit he wasn't entirely right in the head, but this was a new level.

Wasn't this going in kind of the wrong order? Weren't you supposed to like, go on a date first? Wait, no, they weren't even together. So why were they in the same bed, half-naked? How in the world did it come to this?

He was completely ready to spend the next few minutes laying completely still, desperately trying to stare at anything that wasn't Komaeda, and most likely failing. But then the other moved again. 

"Mhm...." he murmured a little in his sleep, bringing his body closer to Hajime's.

And suddenly there was a hot breath on Hajime's neck, and hair tickling his jaw, and-

A thigh stuck in between his legs.

His brain short-circuited, his entire body going rigid at once. Komaeda's leg felt like it burned, the smell of almonds making Hajime's head swim. He was completely, utterly paralyzed. And it was very possible he would stay that way, but then Komaeda moved **again**.

Hajime felt a jolt of sensation in his lower abdomen, and _oh god no, no, absolutely not-_

Using all the strength he could muster, he basically jumped away from Komaeda, sitting up in half a second. That did get Komaeda's thigh away from him, but unfortunately, he had also forgotten they were still in the cage.

"Ouch!" 

He felt the back of his head hit the steel bars, and he hissed, rubbing out the pain with his hand. This was a horrible start.

"Eh...?"

Hajime felt himself tense as he realized Komaeda's eyes were open. He was blinking, clearly trying to wake up, staring at the boy sitting above him. 

"Ah...Good morning, Hinata-kun" he smiled sleepily.

Hajime felt like someone was punishing him. Because what else could this be. Komaeda was laying stretched out in front of him, wearing **his** shirt, smiling like the literal embodiment of a peaceful summer day. He had no clue when he'd become so poetic, but really, it just came to him. 

Komaeda smiled a lot, more or less sincerely, and Hajime realized how attractive his smile was. Almost ridiculously so. Every time the other smiled something stirred in Hajime's chest. It looked absurdly carefree, gentle, _beautiful_ , and it was so unfitting of who Komaeda was as a person. Or at least that was what Hajime thought before, but now, he was realizing smiling Komaeda was the one he wanted to see the most. And maybe it was his stupid, infatuated brain, but he felt like Komaeda smiled differently around him. The laughter he heard from the other just sounded more honest, his eyes shining every so often. 

That smile he'd sent Hajime at the beach last night, running free with his hair ruffling from the wind and his feet falling into the sand. It felt _special_.

Oh god, he was getting worse.

"Good morning..." Hajime finally answered, forcing himself to sound steady, "Did you...sleep well?"

"Very" Komaeda laughed, and it sounded like a song, "Thank you, Hinata-kun"

Hajime inhaled slowly. Keep it together, dammit.

"For what?" he lifted a brow.

"For last night" Komaeda was still smiling, and shit, that sounded really wrong out of context, "I...that was fun. I'm...glad I went out" he looked over somewhere behind Hajime, probably at the door.

Hajime felt a dumb smile trying to force its way onto his face. He smothered it, but the light sensation in his chest remained.

"That was the point" he couldn't quite hide his self-satisfaction, "I hope we can continue doing...this. If you don't mind?"

It was almost embarrassing how much he hoped the other would say yes. 

"Okay" 

It was still small, quiet, but Komaeda's answer felt genuine. This was good. This was progress.

Now, if Hajime could only get a hold of himself, that would have been even better.

"Right" he nodded, finally remembering that he should probably crawl out of the damn cage.

Except when he stood up again, stretching himself, his entire body flared up with pain.

"Ah!" he couldn't stop himself from screaming out as his back felt like it had snapped in half.

"H-Hinata-kun?" Komaeda was sitting up, head sticking out of the cage, "What's-"

"How do you sleep in there every night?!" Hajime interrupted, pointing at the cage with discernible shock, "What the hell kinda steel spine do you have? Fuck-"

He'd been cut off again when he moved and another part of his body screamed out. He felt absolutely wrecked, which was not a sensation he really recognized anymore. His neck was the worst, clearly having been stuck in an unnatural position the entire night. He was being made aware of the existence of muscles he didn't even know he had.

"Ah..." Komaeda laughed awkwardly, "Is it really that bad? I'm sorry, Hinata-kun, I shouldn't have asked you to-"

"You need a new mattress" Hajime cut him off again, eyeing the inflatable abomination with disgust, "God, no wonder you can't sleep. This is ridiculous"

"I can sleep just fine..." Komaeda lifted his hands up, but the lie wasn't very convincing anyway.

"Don't even start" Hajime shook his head, glaring at the other, "I know what nightmares look like, Komaeda. I think we established that"

The other looked away, biting his lip, but gave up arguing.

"And stop doing that" Hajime crouched down, ignoring the pain, "Look, it's all messed up..."

Komaeda's eyes widened as Hajime ran his thumb along the other's lip. It was chapped, but the most prominent feature was still the scab. Actually, now there were two. Hajime felt like if he just pressed a little harder, blood will come seeping back out.  
It took the brown-haired boy a hot minute to realize what he was doing, and another one to finally stop.

Coughing awkwardly, he stood back up, forcing his thoughts towards things that did not revolve around Komaeda. As it was common lately, it failed.

He headed for the bathroom, but before he closed the door, he caught a glimpse of the white-haired boy touching his bottom lip, expression distant.

Hajime basically plunged his head under the stream of water from the sink, wishing he could yell. 

The bathroom only reminded him more. So many things had happened here, actually, maybe it had all started here.   
No, who was he kidding? 

This had started a long time ago. When exactly, he wouldn't be able to point out. But he felt like he always had a special...interest in Komaeda. It shifted and changed with time, but it was always there. It was curiosity, betrayal, fear, frustration, fear again, anger, shock, loss, confusion and guilt and sadness and need and ambition and a longing he couldn't understand. It all swirled inside of him, his feelings changing uncontrollably. One moment Komaeda was a friend, the other he was an enemy, and then he was both, then he was neither, and finally, just like everyone else, he became something Hajime _missed_.

Back then, when Hajime was falling asleep at his desk, World Destroyer staring at him from the screen, dim neon lights and monitors straining his eyes, it all dissipated. His anger, his fear, his sadness, it all went away day by day, replaced by something else.

_Just wake up already, dammit._

At some point, Hajime had almost expected him not to.

What he definitely didn't expect was for Komaeda to _accept it_.

He didn't expect him to give up like that. To step down, away from the scene, to be satisfied just watching from the sidelines. To let himself be treated at the hospital, to let himself be lectured, to let himself be dragged along by whatever everyone else wanted. It felt like a light had gone out inside of him, whatever was keeping him going before gone.

_"I wasn't supposed to live this long"_

And for some reason, Hajime just couldn't leave it alone. No matter how much he reasoned that maybe this was the only plausible ending, the only logical conclusion, he just couldn't. Komaeda was _important_ , and Hajime was starting to realize that somewhere along the way, that sentence changed its meaning.

He really didn't know when. Was it sitting near his bed at the hospital, watching him stare somewhere into space? Was it dragging him into the MRI room, his calm laughter mixed with a clearly nervous disposition? Was it the small sparks of surprise, of well-hidden emotions that swirled in his eyes whenever Hajime smiled at him? Was it sitting side by side on the bench in the park, drinking lemonade? Was it observing him follow everyone around, always there, always silent? Was it staring at him from behind steel bars, holding his cold hand? Was it binding rope on his wrist, feeling his stare on himself? Was it listening to his musings, to his rants, to his attempts at expressing what he actually felt?

Maybe it was all of it. 

If that was the case, Hajime only wanted to berate himself more. How did he let it get this bad? Why didn't he realize sooner, why did none of this ever tip him off? Why was he so fucking clueless?

Probably because the only experience he could classify as being anywhere close to romantic he ever had was staring at someone play video games all day. And that didn't exactly end well.

The water drowned out the world around him, but his own mind refused to shut up. He turned the faucet off, groaning.

"Hinata-kun?" a well-known voice called to him from behind the closed door, "Um...are you okay?"

And here he was, hoping to maybe just stay in the bathroom forever. It would be a little difficult, considering there was no food, but hey, maybe he could just like, learn photosynthesis or something.

Yes, learn photosynthesis, grow roots into the ground, become a sunflower and never have to think about his feelings ever again. That sounded wonderful. 

"I'm fine" he spoke instead because as appealing as it seemed, the sunflower fantasy was not an option, "Sorry, I'll get out now"

He opened the door, to find Komaeda standing on the other side of it, a curious expression on his face.

"...your hair is wet" he noted.

Hajime was about to think of some excuse for why he'd locked himself in the bathroom with the water running for probably around ten minutes, but then his eyes darted to Komaeda's hand. More specifically, his healthy hand.

"Hinata-kun?" the other questioned as Hajime grabbed the hand, staring at it.

There were red marks all over the wrist, the shape of them so unmistakable he couldn't even lie about what they were from. 

"Rope burn" Hajime murmured, turning Komaeda's hand around in his own.

They weren't severe per se, the skin wasn't even broken. They looked more like impressions, as if Komaeda just rubbed the wrist for too long. They were faint, at this point, although Hajime was still confused as to how he didn't notice them last night. Was he really that exhausted?

"Is it?" Komaeda smiled a little strangely, "I suppose..."

"Shit, I'm sorry" Hajime could already feel the pang of guilt, "I should have noticed"

"Eh? N-No, it's, um-" Komaeda yanked his hand away suddenly, as if afraid Hajime was going to make the marks go away, "It's...fine"

"How is it fine? They hurt, right?" the other narrowed his eyes.

"A little..." Komaeda rubbed the burn with his other hand, "I don't mind, you know"

He was staring at the marks now, eyes focused, observing his own reddened skin intently. There was a heated fascination in his face, not a trace of fear or discomfort visible.

"It's almost like it's still there..." Komaeda murmured, mostly to himself, dragging a metal finger along the surface of the burn.

Hajime was pretty sure he had never blinked audibly before, but if he could, he would have. Because, _what the hell, Komaeda_.

Okay, no, he had no right to judge. He was the one who used the rope in the first place. And he was the one now staring at the marks, as Komaeda brushed them with his other hand.

"If you say so" Hajime finally looked away, feeling like he would definitely not forget about this sight any time soon, "But you have to tell me if it gets bad. Actually..."

He looked around the room, remembering how completely out of it they both were last night. Komaeda's shoes were thrown on the floor, as was Hajime's bag, and the sheets had a giant wet spot on them. Oh yeah, he probably shouldn't have laid the completely soaked Komaeda on the bed, should he?   
The rope was there, though, and Hajime grabbed it, wincing a little at how it was still damp.

"Hinata-kun?" Komaeda looked over his shoulder as he hid away the rope inside his bag.

"I'm taking it" he tried to sound more confident than he felt, "So you don't do anything stupid with it"

It was supposed to be a joke, even if Hajime didn't have the best delivery skills (Izuru's deadpan refused to go away, sometimes). But Komaeda made a face that looked guilty. Way too guilty. 

"...I don't even want to know what you were planning" Hajime narrowed his eyes.

That was a lie, or rather, there was a specific part of his brain that really, really wanted to know. In fact, he had already managed to imagine several very interesting prospects of what Komaeda could have done with the rope if he left him alone.

_Hajime, what the fuck. What the actual, everloving fuck._

Trying to ignore the conversation he was having with himself in his own head, he slung his bag over his shoulder. 

"Alright, I should go get us some breakfast. Wait, is it time yet?" he spoke and looked around for a minimaru clock.

"Ah, I think it might be past breakfast already..." Komaeda mused.

"What?" Hajime frowned, "That's impossible, the alarm didn't ring"

"Oh, from the clock?" Komaeda laughed, "Sorry, I actually don't have that anymore" 

"Don't have it?"

"It broke" Komaeda shrugged, an apologetic smile on his face.

"Broke? How?" Hajime couldn't quite believe it, "It was built by Kazuichi..."

There were a lot of things one could say about Kazuichi's creations, but they were definitely not flimsy. Explosive? Yes. Over the top? Yes. Potentially dangerous? Definitely. But not easily breakable. 

"Well..." Komaeda tried to recall the events, "First, it rolled off my nightstand because it got hit by the plant pot, which actually fell over because of the window, which opened suddenly because of the draft..." he tapped his chin, "Oh, and then I stepped on it, I was carrying a lot of laundry, so I didn't notice. I fell over and crushed it, but it still kind of worked. Then, hmm, I remember, I was trying to reach the top shelf and I accidentally-"

"Okay, no, I get it" Hajime waved his hands, "Thank you"

Komaeda only smiled back at him.

"Dammit, then what time is it?" Hajime looked out the window, "Crap, I think it's nearly afternoon"

The sun was almost there, anyway. 

"This is bad" Hajime murmured, "I missed breakfast, everyone is going to be worried. I need to-"

"Um, Hinata-kun?" Komaeda's voice stopped him as he was already halfway through the door, "You're not wearing any pants"

Hajime looked down at himself and was greeted by the sight of his favorite dark blue boxers.

"...right" 

He basically sprinted towards the bathroom, hoping that doing things quickly would lessen the embarrassment. It really didn't. His pants were still damp at the bottom, and putting them on felt a little disgusting, but he had to endure. He would **not** be caught leaving Komaeda's cottage in just his underwear. He already had to explain why he didn't show up in the morning, this would only make it worse.

Wet socks were too much even for him, so he just decided to leave them hanging on the side of the bath. He had to come back here eventually anyway.

"I'll bring food later" he power walked out of the bathroom, past a very confused Komaeda, "Don't rub the rope marks, take your medicine, yell if you set something on fire", he slipped into his shoes, "Bye!" 

He slammed the door, catching the sight of Komaeda in his shirt, standing aimlessly in the middle of the room, before he did. Oh yeah, his shirt. He didn't even take it back.

Later, later, later, he repeated to himself as he sprinted towards his cottage. He was in and out in seconds, hastily throwing on some not-wet pants and a shirt, just enough to look less like a madman. His hair was still wet, but well, at least he was trying. 

Hajime planned on just running to the restaurant, hoping that someone had maybe stayed behind, but before he could do that, he was assaulted by a...bug net?

"Got him! Ten points!"

Ibuki's cheerful voice sounded right next to his ear as mesh netting obstructed his vision.

"Mission find Hajime accomplished! Ibuki won! Oh, good morning, Hajime! I like to say my greetings first thing in the morning!" she appeared in front of him, the bug net slowly slipping off of his head, "Wait, it's not morning anymore. Aaaah, that's bad, isn't it?!"

She started panicking over her own realization. 

"Good job" Imposter approached them, followed by several others, most likely alerted by Ibuki's screaming.

"Hi guys...what's up?" Hajime felt levels of awkwardness he didn't know were possible.

The bug net slipped from his head completely, hitting the ground. 

"The sky, mostly" Fuyuhiko did not look like he was in a mood for jokes, "Dammit, Hajime, what the hell?"

"Yeah bro, what the hell?" Kazuichi piped up from behind the other, "We've been looking everywhere for you! We thought you died! I thought you died!"

"I'm okay-" Hajime put his hands up.

"I wish you weren't!" Hiyoko crossed her arms, sticking her tongue out at him, "I've had to walk around so much, I have blisters on my feet! You're the worst, Hajime. I hope you get blisters, too" 

"Were you guys looking for me? Sorry, I-"

"Of course we were looking for you" Imposter pinched the bridge of their nose, "You didn't show up for breakfast. That has never happened before. Not only that, but when Peko went to look for you, apparently, you weren't in your cottage. She tried knocking over and over again, but nothing. If we didn't find you anywhere else, we were planning on breaking down the door"

"Ah, actually..." 

Hajime stilled. He had to think of some excuse. Saying he spent his night at Komaeda's would not end well. Either he would have to say that the other boy's health was getting worse, and then they would probably force him to drag him to the hospital - or he would have to tell the truth. That he just did it because reasons. No, absolutely not.

He had to lie, and convincingly.

"Actually, I was there the whole time" Ultimate Actor in full power, Hajime laughed awkwardly, "Sorry"

Everyone seemed to just look at each other for a moment.

"I was having trouble falling asleep because of the cicadas" the best lies were the ones that had a bit of truth in them, "So I decided to try and take some sleep medicine. It, uh, worked a bit too well. I was out cold" 

"Sleep medicine?" Kazuichi frowned.

"Yes. I took some from the hospital reserves" thankfully, Mikan wasn't there, or that lie would have fallen apart real quick, "I probably overdosed a little, since I wasn't sure how much this body could take. I'm a little resistant to medicine, usually..."

"That's incredibly dangerous" Imposter shook their head, "What were you thinking? Normally I'd consider you more responsible"

"Yeah, that's crazy" Fuyuhiko moved closer, staring Hajime down, "You might be a superhuman bastard, but that's just taking a stupid risk" 

The guilt he felt for making them worry was immeasurable, but it was still better than trying to explain the truth. Barely.

"I'm very sorry" he actually was, but not for the reasons they thought, "I was just very tired and not thinking straight. I threw away the medicine, I won't take it again"

Imposter sighed.

"I suppose it's the best we will get" they relented, "But don't ever do that again"

"No wonder you didn't hear the alarm clock" Kazuichi pondered, "That stuff must have been really strong. Maybe I should increase the volume of these...?"

"Please do not" Hajime pleaded.

"Hey, it's fine now" Imposter took out a walkie-talkie, "We found him. He's okay. Search over"

There was an audible sigh of relief on the other side, which sounded like it came from Mahiru.

"I gave everyone a scare, didn't I?" Hajime realized, "I really am sorry"

"It's fine" Imposter waved their hand at him, "You should probably head to the restaurant now. Teruteru left you a plate, it should still be good. Unless Akane got to it first, of course"

"Thanks a lot, guys" Hajime smiled, a weight lifted off his heart.

He did feel bad for lying, but mostly, he just felt relieved no one questioned it more. Before, maybe he would have even told the truth, regardless of whether or not it would earn him some teasing from Hiyoko or a weird stare from Kazuichi. But now, that was just not an option. Because regardless of his acting talent, or his perfect poker face, he was pretty sure he would not be able to keep calm. His friends were smart when they wanted to be. Someone would figure it out, and Hajime did not want anyone to do that before he did.

That had already happened too many times. What he felt for Komaeda, he wanted to keep for himself, at least for a moment longer. He needed to be sure. He needed to understand it better.

His friends didn't let him linger in his thoughts for long. Ibuki and Kazuichi followed him to the restaurant, both talking about completely different things, and Hajime felt like he was wearing headphones that didn't sync the stereo right. But it was grounding, at least. By the time he got to his food, he was actually engaging in the conversation, as much as the other two allowed him. 

Apparently, the new filtration system was working just fine, Mikan's greenhouse was almost finished, the library was up and running, and, oh yeah, there would be a party to celebrate the beginning of summer. It still wasn't for a while, but Ibuki was already listing off all the hits she would play. 

Those thoughts were pleasant. It was everyday life at its finest, but Hajime had recently found out it was what he enjoyed the most. He liked listening to everyone rave about what they were doing, to see the new facilities rise from the ground, to turn on new engines, and check up on new crops. It gave him purpose, he supposed, something he always lacked before.

He tried to muse on it a little more, but Nekomaru's enthusiasm was making it a bit difficult.

"This is remarkable!" the large man shouted, bringing his elbow to Hajime's back.

Hajime tried to either agree or disagree, he wasn't even sure which one yet, but fell flat. The feeling of his tightened back muscles uncurling knocked the breath out of him.

"Really, Hajime, what were you even doing?!" another press of the large hands stopped Hajime from answering, "Your physique is normally above my understanding, but even I can tell something happened here. Your muscles are tightened in all the wrong places! I'm gonna need more ENERGYYYY!!!"

That shout was the only warning Hajime got before he felt like his entire body got unraveled and then put back together as Nekomaru put his entire strength into the next touch. 

"Aaaaah...nothing...special..." he finally managed to choke out, although he sounded as breathless as he felt.

Nekomaru's massages were an experience incomparable to anything else. Hajime did have the Ultimate Masseur talent, so he should have understood what was going on, but really, Nidai just possessed a special kind of energy no one else did. Every press of the large hands hurt in the best way possible, relaxing like nothing else. It was heaven, it really was, to the point where Hajime had long ago decided these were for special occasions only. Because if he didn't limit himself, he would be getting them constantly.

"I...kind slept, ah, in the wrong...position" he sighed contentedly when the pain in his neck finally went away.

"Was it because of the meds?" Nekomaru wondered, his hands not stopping their work, "Gahahaha! I know that feeling!"

"Oh, right" Hajime laughed a little, although it was smothered by another press of Nekomaru's hands, "I'm sorry about, mmhhm, that one..."

Nekomaru was another one of his regular patients, both because of his heart condition and indigestion. While the heart problem was mostly stable, needing just constant monitoring and proper precautions, Hajime's attempts to help with the stomach issues didn't always end well. The meds were experimental, and just as it was with Komaeda, the first few tries weren't perfect. He was only grateful for how resilient Nekomaru was.

"It's fine!" Nekomaru laughed boisterously, "There are always failures in trying to reach the goal! That's part of the process! You will never become great if you don't pour your heart and soul into the training! FULL POWER!!!"

This time Hajime was ready, but the impact still made him see stars. God, this was amazing. 

"R-Right" he smiled, a little dazed, "I'm glad they're working better now. Have you had any symptoms lately?"

He sat up on the massage table when Nekomaru was putting the oils away.

"Not at all! You're a real genius, Hajime!" Nekomaru laughed again, loud and roaring, "Even if I still think your spirit needs some work!"

"It probably does" Hajime agreed, laughing a little as well, "But that's why I'm grateful you're here"

"That's right! Leave it all to your manager! AAAAAAAAAHHH!" 

Nekomaru yelled out, just because he could. 

"Thank you" Hajime got up, putting his shirt back on, "Ah, actually, I'll be stopping by the hospital later today. Did you need a refill?"

"No, I still have plenty" the other shook his head, "But would you ask Mikan if she needs anything if you see her? I wanted to talk to her this morning, but looking for you distracted me, Gahahaha! I need to do something for her as thanks. She really did a great job that last time!" 

Last time most likely referred to Akane breaking her knee because she tried to kick down one of the robots working on the farms. Because of course she did.

"Can do" Hajime smiled, "See you" he waved as he headed out.

The air outside was warm, hot almost, the sun still high up in the sky. Hajime paused for a moment, letting the tropical smell and the salty air wash over him. 

_Komaeda should go out in the sun a little._

Hajime immediately groaned. And he was doing such a good job of not thinking about him.

Although, he considered as he walked, that wasn't really the point anymore, was it? He had to confront his feelings sometime, actually, he already sort of did. 

He had a crush. No, that didn't sound accurate. A crush was more something you had on someone you weren't very familiar with, right? Or maybe not? Some people said they were crushing on their friends, right?

Hajime had no idea. For all the Ultimate Linguistics he was capable of, definitions of words were not helping. At all.

He and Komaeda were friends. Actually, was that even right? Hajime realized his and Komaeda's relationship felt distinctly different from all the other friends he had. If someone asked, he would say Komaeda was his friend, yes. But the feeling he got when they were together just didn't quite resemble the one he had with everyone else. 

Then again, when did it even?

Maybe that was the thing. Komaeda was _different_ , he always had been. And really, so was Hajime.

Hajime realized that early on. It felt confusing, because he didn't change from one person to another. He didn't wake up as Izuru Kamukura, remembering his life as Hajime Hinata. Not the other way around, either. Neither his school life, nor his time as Izuru, nor his time in the simulation felt quite right. There was no one definite truth. It all blended together, instead, and whatever that became, it was him. 

And the way he felt about the others was the hardest. Nothing seemed correct. Not the jealousy, not the indifference, not the fondness, not the anger, not the sadness. Were they his friends, were they his enemies, were they just more boring, gray faces in the crowd? He didn't know.

So he decided to create a new reality. To wipe the slate clean, to start over, to be able to find out for himself what he really felt. And he did. 

He saw them all again, anew, and he formed the connections again, slowly, building them up from everything he knew. It was like kintsugi, if he had to compare it. Taking something broken and repairing it in a way that made it something different. The old memories wouldn't just disappear, the old wounds wouldn't just mend, but he took them all and created something entirely new out of them. 

A new reality, where they could decide their own future.

For all his confusion and hesitation, it worked. It felt right. Like he was finally doing things out of his own will, after such a long time of being led along by the tide. For the first time, it all felt genuine. No more masterminds behind the scenes, no more artificial worlds and brainwashing. It was all them, their own feelings, their own decisions.

Komaeda was no different. Hajime no longer felt the things he did before, or rather, he felt them all at once, to the point where they hardly made sense. So he left them in the past and chose to give Komaeda another chance, just like he did with everyone else. 

But he still didn't expect it. He didn't expect how his own viewpoint had changed, how his own feelings had shifted. Komaeda was still the same confusing mess he knew before, but Hajime wasn't the same at all. Hajime was Izuru, as well. And Kamukura was a unique existence, so strange and bizarre, so unnatural, that it was hard to marvel at anything else after witnessing it. He made a lot of bad choices, and Hajime realized even if he tried to forgive himself for it, he couldn't. Because feeling no remorse was exactly what being Izuru was like. He would rather have guilt than nothing at all.

Komaeda, in the strangest turn of events, became his parallel. Because they _were_ similar, now. Bad choices made out of desperation, out of a lack of purpose, out of a willingness to sacrifice everything else for the sake of a goal, eventually, out of the simple inability to feel empathy towards others. 

And what made him quit earlier, now only made him want to dig deeper. Instead of an obstacle, Komaeda became a challenge. A side of him that still got bored wanted to be entertained, a side of him that wished for peace wanted to grant it. 

It all swirled inside of him, and what came of it, was _care_. In the simplest of ways, he started to just care. He wanted to know more about the other, he wanted to help him, wanted to see him get the same peaceful life he wished for everyone else. It might have appeared bizarre to anyone else, but to him, that was what felt right. 

Hajime couldn't forgive himself, but somehow, he could forgive Komaeda. Was that the point? It wasn't fair, or righteous, or morally correct, maybe, but Hajime was not any of these things either. None of them were, not anymore.

Not that these reflections, whether they were true or not, actually helped much.

Because what if he _theroetically_ understood why he cared about Komaeda? That didn't even have to have anything to do with it. This wasn't just caring, or friendship, or forgiveness. Hajime was _attracted_ to him. Romantically. 

It still made his face heat up, even if he just thought about it. He kicked a stone on the road angrily and watched it travel a ridiculous distance, disappearing on the horizon. Hopefully it wouldn't hit anything important. Damn Ultimate Athlete.

He felt so pathetic. He was the Ultimate Hope, for fucks sake. And here he was, freaking out every time Komaeda smiled at him, or touched him, every time he laughed in his raspy voice and made fun of him. 

_Komaeda_. Komaeda, out of all people. 

Hajime knew why he liked him, actually, he could recite a thousand reasons (but he would really rather not, because thinking about it made his heart do weird things). But still. Komaeda? Really?

It wasn't even the fact that they were both boys, Hajime realized. Truth be told, to Izuru, the entirety of humanity was a large, shapeless, gray mass. As much as Hajime didn't agree with that notion any longer, some habits remained. Namely, that he had trouble caring about social constructs. Things like taboos and traditions lost their meaning for someone like him. Besides, it was the apocalypse. Not like anybody would care. 

Sure, he'd never had any romantic experience with a boy, but again, he didn't have any with a girl, either. Unless playing a space invaders remake was considered an erotic activity. Wait, maybe to some, it would be.

He just felt clueless, and it was a feeling he didn't understand anymore. What do you even do when you don't know something? Read a book about it?

Right. As if that did him any good.

_He still had the stupid book. He was still reading the stupid book._

Groaning for what felt the hundredth time, he realized he had reached the hospital. Great. Maybe this would take his mind off of things.

That notion was shattered as soon as he walked into the building. The smell of sanitizers and medication immediately brought back memories. Hajime swatted away at them in his head while he walked up the stairs, taking two steps at a time. He probably looked like a douche, he thought.

"Mikan?" he peered into the storage room, remembering the nurse was supposed to be doing stocktaking that day, "Are you in here?"

A loud crash, followed by a load of boxes tumbling down confirmed that yes, she definitely was.

"A-Ah, H-H-Haji-" she was laying on the floor, her position only a few centimeters away from leaving nothing to the imagination.

"Good morning to you too" Hajime smiled, and helped her up, "Sorry for startling you"

"N-No, it's, okay..." she dusted off her scrub dress nervously, "I w-was just, um, t-trying to move...this..."

She pointed at a particularly large box. Hajime lifted his eyebrows.

"By yourself?" he shook his head, "That is way too large. I'll help you" he grabbed the offending object with both hands.

"Y-You d-don't have to-"

"Where to?" he asked, heading for the door.

"Um...the on-call room...if y-you could" Mikan trotted behind him as they made their way through the hospital.

"H-Hajime, mhm, w-why are you h-here?" she finally spoke again after a moment of silence, "W-Wait, are you hurt? Where?"

Hajime chuckled as she looked him over, searching for imaginary injuries.

He stopped laughing when he realized this is exactly what he did to Komaeda every time anything happened. Dammit.

"No, I'm fine" at least psychically, he thought, "I came to um, ask a favor"

Mikan cocked her head to the side.

"A f-favor? W-what do y-you need...?"

"Um, it's a little..." Hajime felt himself getting awkward again, "Okay, listen. I...wanted you to keep a secret" he furrowed his eyebrows.

"A s-s-secret? H-Hajime, what-" Mikan immediately looked horrified.

"It's nothing bad!" he waved his hands, "It's about...Komaeda"

Mikan went quiet, watching him intently. Komaeda was as much her patient as he was Hajime's. That's why he was hoping he could share this with her safely.

"Um...i-is he s-still feeling s-sick?" the look of worry on her face made Hajime smile despite everything.

"No, actually..." he fidgeted, "That was kind of a lie"

"A l-l-lie?!"

"N-Not entirely! But I'm sorry about lying!" Hajime scrambled to ease her mind, "Okay, listen. Komaeda was feeling sick, but it was more his mental state than his psychical. He...decided to lock himself inside his cottage and wouldn't leave"

He decided to overlook the part about the cage, because he needed Mikan in a mostly alright state if this was going to work.

"Eh?! Did he become a hikikomori?" Mikan was grabbing at her hair.

 _I'm not sure if that term really applies in a post-apocalyptic world_ , Hajime thought.

"It's a bit more complicated" he decided to cut the explanation as short as possible, "But either way, I discovered him, and, well. I decided I had to take care of him. Some stuff happened, um..."

All the stuff happened. All of them. And Hajime did not feel comfortable sharing any of it.

"I ended up kind of...tying him up so he would feel more comfortable leaving his cottage?"

That was a horrible way of putting it, but was there even a better way of putting it? 

Mikan looked like she was five seconds away from passing out. Shit.

"T-T-T-Tying h-h-hi-" she trailed off, shaking.

Maybe she wasn't the best choice for this after all. But this entire thing had a point. Hajime just needed to get to it.

"It's not what it sounds like, I swear!" he pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to calm down.

No, actually, it was exactly what it sounded like. He learned it from a literal bdsm handbook. And he had a crush on Komaeda. This situation could not be more literal if he tried to make it be.

"It's a psychological technique!" once again, not lying, but not telling the whole truth either, "It just helps him relax! He's been going out at night, with me. I'm trying to get him to feel more comfortable. It's working!" 

Mikan listened to him with wide eyes, but thankfully, it seemed like her trust in Hajime outweighed her concern for his methods.

"Um...I-I'm n-not s-s-sure if I-I get it...but..." she bit her lip, hey, Hajime never noticed she did that before, "I-If it's h-helping him t-then...I g-guess t-that's good?" she smiled nervously.

"It really is" he wanted to exhale out loud, "But obviously, I couldn't just tell everyone about it"

He didn't exactly want to reveal Komaeda's issues to anyone, really, even if their opinion of him was already somewhere on the level of 'absolutely mental'. But he needed some allies, besides Kazuichi, that is. 

"Y-Yes, t-that's understandable" Mikan nodded.

"I wanted to tell you because, well," Hajime explained, "He still needs to get his injections and the check-ups. I've been monitoring him, but there's only so much I can do without the equipment. I wanted to ask if you'd be willing to keep this a secret, and help me do his scans and tests. I would bring him here at night, hopefully, it could make him feel comfortable enough to come"

As much as Komaeda disliked the hospital, he had to keep getting his check-ups done. This was Hajime's primary motivation, although he did have an ulterior motive. In the end, he wanted Komaeda to eventually leave his confinement, or at least be able to interact with everyone. 

Mikan was a good start. She and Komaeda got along the way two people with incredibly low self-esteem and traumatic life experiences would. Which meant they mostly talked very quietly and nervously to each other, occasionally going on excited monologues about something or other. Hajime had no idea if 'synchronized drooling over abstract concepts' was really an enjoyable way of spending one's time, but these two seemed mostly content with it. The lack of awkwardness was amazing, considering the stuff they said to each other in the simulation.  
Then again, maybe that was the point. Neither of them really had much to hide anymore. 

"Does he r-really n-not want to l-leave? W-why?" Mikan spoke up again, rearranging some medications on the shelves, which she usually did whenever she was nervous.

"It's a long story" Hajime answered, "I think you should just ask him yourself. That is, if you agree to it?"

"O-of course" she nodded, "H-He n-needs t-t-the care, s-so..."

"Thank you" Hajime sent her his best supportive smile, "That means a lot"

She stared back at him for a moment, expression weirdly thoughtful.

"A-Actually..." she turned around to rummage in one of the drawers, "I-I got the l-latest r-results...uh, where d-did I put t-that..."

Hajime inhaled a little sharply against his will. 

He got nervous every time, no matter how good the prognosis was so far. He just couldn't help it. He trusted his talents, it was the least he could do for the people that were no longer there to use them. But he still got stressed, because this was a terminal illness, and what he was doing was completely unprecedented. 

Frontotemporal dementia couldn't be cured, or at least, not completely. Up until that point, the only real treatment was the end-of-life kind. The life expectancy varied, but the degradation of the brain and eventual death was inevitable. The medication helped relieve symptoms, but even that would eventually stop working.

What Hajime was aiming for was to stop the progression of the neuronal loss, to eventually eliminate the momentum of the disease completely. It wouldn't be curing Komaeda, per se, because what damage was already done, would remain. Even with the Ultimate Neurologist abilities, there was no technology able to rebuild the brain. But the thing was, and Hajime was still baffled by it, Komaeda's brain was a lot less damaged than his diagnosis would suggest. The boy himself stated it was just his luck, but Hajime had a hard time accepting it. By all logical means, Komaeda should have already been on the verge of death, meanwhile, he could speak in full sentences. 

More than that, after waking up, he actually seemed _better_ than he was in the simulation. He conceptualized emotions a lot easier, his empathy clearly improved and he was actually starting to remember things. Some of the memories would never come back, but then again, that was true for all of them. The medications started helping too, if not immediately, and the progress was obvious. 

It gave Hajime _hope_. If he could only stop the progression completely, Komaeda would have a chance at living out a mostly regular life. He would probably have to take the medications for the rest of it, yes, and some aspects of the illness would stay regardless, but he could live. Hajime really, really wanted him to live.

That desire was a lot more personal now when he knew how he felt.

The lymphoma was a separate issue, although in Hajime's opinion, a simpler one. For the Ultimate Oncologist, at least, so far it hadn't been causing that many problems. He did do some work to get there, including assembling an entire room full of radiotherapy equipment. 

But it was worth it, because it was actually _working_. He didn't know if it was really his efforts, or Komaeda's luck, or maybe Izuru's luck, but it was working. Every month, the results got better and better. 

He hoped this month would be no different as he scanned the pages Mikan handed him.

"I-It's...actually-" she fidgeted with her hands.

"Remission"

Hajime spoke the words before he could properly read the pages, already seeing the conclusion.

His heart hammered, emotions swirling inside of him. Remission. It worked. It fucking worked.

"Y-Yes, it's i-incredible, r-really..." Mikan looked just as amazed as Hajime felt.

There was still a little bit of the lymphoma there, but it was a small enough amount to declare remission. After months of treatments, there it was. His dream had the chance of becoming reality.

Not really controlling himself, Hajime grabbed Tsumiki and pulled her into a hug, lifting her off the ground. 

"Ack! H-H-Hajime!" she yelped, startled.

"S-Sorry" he laughed awkwardly, letting her back down, "I just..."

He just couldn't contain himself. It was the same feeling he got when the first psychodives succeeded. When he opened the first pod, grabbed the first hand, pulled the first person out. 

_It was hope._

"A-Are you g-going to t-tell him?" Mikan inquired.

Hajime shook his head.

"Not yet" he was still smiling, "I want it to be more...concrete before I do. It's not like he ever asks about the results himself, anyway. I...I want to tell him, but. I want to be able to be confident when I say it" 

He fell into a calmer state, an image of an asleep Komaeda forming in his mind. His peaceful smile, his ruffled hair, his breathy laughter and his slender hands. Ghost touch of the rope appeared on his wrist, too-close faces and intense stares plaguing his brain. 

God, he was completely fucked, wasn't he?

"I-I see..." Mikan appeared weirdly focused, observing Hajime with an unusually analyzing gaze.

But he couldn't pay attention to it. There was still a pang of worry as he turned the pages to the brain scans instead. 

"They're good" he exhaled out loud as he said it, "It's slowing down"

Mikan nodded, taking the results back from him. Hajime knew he was smiling, probably looking really dumb, but he couldn't stop. 

Remission. Slowing down. Good. They were **good.**

"Y-You're really..." Mikan spoke again, quietly, "I-Incredible, H-Hajime"

"I...you know it's not my merits that made this happen" Hajime shook his head.

"B-But!" Mikan piped up a little, "Y-You s-still treated him! A-And you made the medications! And monitored everything, and wrote it down, and-"

Hajime laughed.

"Okay, okay" he lifted his hands up, "But then, it's your work, too. You spent a lot of sleepless nights watching him"

Mikan blushed visibly, fidgeting with her hands. But she didn't deny it. 

_Progress._

Hajime was still smiling.

"I need to go run some errands" he gathered his bag, "Is it okay if I bring him tonight? Around midnight?"

"Y-Yes, t-that's fine" Mikan smiled a little, "I'll p-prepare e-everything"

As a nurse, she was thankfully used to night shifts. 

"Thank you" Hajime repeated once more.

He was about to head out, but remembered something at the last moment.

"Oh, Nekomaru mentioned he wanted to ask if you needed help with anything? He offered" 

Mikan looked thoughtful.

"Um...w-we did h-have some new e-equipment...i-it's a little heavy..." she played with her fingers.

"Just ask him, he'll be glad to help" Hajime nodded, "Alright, then see you tonight"

"S-See you" Mikan smiled a little.

Hajime basically bolted out the door, not that it was unusual. He did have a bad habit of running everywhere. But if he didn't, maybe he would have noticed Mikan falling into a deeper state of thought. She stared after him, brows furrowing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why is this long again even though it was supposed to be 5000 words? because i have no self control :)
> 
> hajime: *having a gay crisis*  
> komaeda: good morning :) how are you :)) did you sleep well :)))
> 
> nagito's masochistic ass was screaming at those rope burns and honestly??  
> same
> 
> hajime is just the type to monologue to himself a lot, but i do like to imagine sometimes it's just him and izuru screaming at each other inside their head. the only thing they agree on is 'komaeda pretty <3'
> 
> just for the record, space invaders and chill is perfectly valid
> 
> tune in next time for: komaeda having to socialize. the horror.


	11. Tired of pretending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Komaeda finally gets his check-up, and Hajime makes a decision.

"I'm just saying..." Hajime stopped to swallow down another piece of apple, "It doesn't sound very plausible. I mean, she didn't seem like that type of character, you know. Unless it's just bad writing, I'm really not convinced" 

"Me neither" Komaeda agreed, "Suicide is too obvious for a locked room murder. Ah, reading about the deaths of people I don't even know is still boring..." he sighed, "But the detective, I'm a little interested in. He isn't very sure about this case at all, is he?"

The white-haired boy grabbed a piece of fruit as well, long fingers extending into the bowl.

"To be fair, that guy doesn't seem very confident in general. I thought detectives were supposed to be cool?" Hajime considered, "But he's always talking about how he's useless and no good..." 

They had been sitting like that for a while, since Komaeda finished his dinner, talking about the book Komaeda was reading. Well, he was reading it out loud to Hajime, anyway. They hadn't finished it yet, so they were both absorbed in theorizing about who the killer was.

It felt a bit ironic, but somehow, Hajime found he didn't mind. There was something grounding about reading things like these, as only fiction, and not reality. It made him feel farther away from his own memories. For a moment, he could believe their own experiences were just fictional too. Just a book, a story, a bad dream.

"Cool?" Komaeda considered, leaning back on his hands a little, "I guess if you say so...Hinata-kun is a detective too, right?" he smiled.

Hajime stared at the other and realized he had a piece of apple stuck to his chin. But he wasn't going to say anything. It would be a secret between him and the apple.

"I suppose" Hajime shrugged, "Ultimate Detective. But only technically. Although I did solve some cases. Maybe this is the only talent I can actually attest to somewhat earning..." he considered, "No, it's not like I would have solved any of those murders without help. I'm still just as talentless as before" he laughed, but there was the familiar discomfort underneath.

Komaeda narrowed his eyes at him. He was sitting in the open door of the cage, legs halfway hanging out of the door. His hair was still a bit damp from the shower, a towel laid across his shoulders. And of course, another white t-shirt. Hajime was honestly baffled. Where did he even get so many of these from? 

The smell of almonds always got stronger after he showered.

"What are you talking about?" Komaeda crossed his arms, expression clearly dissatisfied, "Hinata-kun, you are the most talented individual here. And it's in a literal sense, too! This sort of shining hope...even saying you're talentless, that's just-"

"But I am" Hajime shrugged again, "None of these talents actually belong to me, you know"

Komaeda didn't look convinced, but then again, Hajime didn't expect him to be.

"It may be conceited of me to even suggest that..." the other started, and Hajime immediately smiled a little.

He still had that habit. Sometimes, when Komaeda wanted to express an opinion he considered 'not being worthy of having', he tended to preface it with a lengthy strain of self-deprecation. Hajime realized a while ago it was a slightly passive-aggressive strategy, really. Not that Komaeda didn't genuinely believe the things he said about himself, unfortunately, he definitely did. But he was smart, and quite mean if he wanted to be. Except he wouldn't allow himself to express his opinions freely, so he needed to make sure he insulted himself at least as much as he would be insulting his target. 

"And I understand this is an extremely unimportant opinion, coming from someone like me..." Komaeda continued droning.

These rants varied greatly, usually depending on how contrarian the opinion he was about to express would be. Usually, the worse the rant, the more outrageous the stuff he would say. Hajime noticed they were getting shorter recently. He remembered a time where Komaeda could start going off randomly so much, he would actually forget what he was about to say at all, instead just spiraling into the self-deprecation until he would go silent, sweating somewhere in the corner of the room.

"Tell me" he finally cut in, deciding it to be a good moment, "I want to know what you think"

He learned this a while ago. The key was to know _when_ to interject. Too early, and Komaeda would just get angry, likely to start ranting even harder about how horrible he apparently was. Too late, and he wouldn't understand why you were complaining in the first place. 

"Ah..." Hajime was well versed by now, so he picked the right time, "Right, I..." Komaeda abandoned his preface.

It felt strange, to know someone in this way. To understand their patterns enough to recognize them like this. Hajime had a couple of talents that made this easier, but he knew it wasn't just that. He spent, colloquially speaking, a fuck ton of time watching Komaeda. And he only wanted to watch more. It was so comfortable, this predictability, sometimes. 

Once upon a time, he thought there was nothing worse than predictability.

"I just think it's very ungrateful of you, Hinata-kun"

"Ungrateful?", Hajime lifted his eyebrows a little, another piece of apple stopping halfway into his mouth.

"After all, the only humans worthy of becoming hope possess amazing talents and a strong will" Komaeda nodded, "You must be chosen by hope to become hope! That is decided the moment you are born. So while not worth admiring, it is something one should hold with pride. Only an understanding of one's special existence and place above others can allow them to bring hope" 

Hajime had long gone past the point of rolling his eyes, but it was still difficult not to at least snort sometimes. The fact that Komaeda always started to use overly fancy words whenever he got into one of these 'moods' wasn't helping.

"I told you already, you sound like a cult leader when you do that" he chewed his apple, "And you're wrong anyway"

Komaeda only narrowed his eyes, clearly waiting for proof of his wrongness.

"I'm not special at all" Hajime shrugged, "You told me that yourself. I wasn't 'chosen by hope' or whatever. None of these talents belong to me"

"That has nothing to do with it" Komaeda shook his head.

"How does it not?" Hajime was confused, "If I had to compare it, what I did is more like robbery. I'm just a fraud, really"

"You can't steal talent-" Komaeda's words were stopped for a moment, interjected by another apple piece, "Hinata-kun, I can't believe you would be saying something like that. Are you stupid?"

Hajime nearly spat out his food but settled somewhere on the verge of it instead. Feeling like laughing was the worst when one knew they really shouldn't. 

Komaeda always said stuff like that out of nowhere, and Hajime used to be offended. Nowadays, it sounded more funny than upsetting. Why, he didn't know. Probably because it was so unexpected, and usually juxtapositioned with Komaeda's hope rants. The whiplash between the other's self-deprecation and the insults was just too much.

"I really can't understand how you think" Komaeda stated.

"Isn't it simple?" Hajime finally swallowed the apple, "I wasn't born with talent. I don't deserve it"

"Nobody deserves talent" 

And that was a sentence he never thought he'd hear come out of Komaeda's mouth. 

_What?_

"I told you already. It has nothing to do with effort. You are either born with talent, or you are not. One might even say it's pure luck" he contemplated.

Hajime had actually stopped eating out of confusion. Where was this going?

"Okay, but how was this luck? I literally _chose_ to take part in the Kamukura project. A horrible choice, if I may add" 

"And why did you even have the opportunity to choose? How many other students were picked as candidates for the Kamukura project, exactly?" Komaeda looked just a little bit smug.

Hajime actually stopped at that. 

"How many...?" he furrowed his brows, "Um, I think...no one else? As far as I know, at least..."

"Exactly" the other sighed, "It's not like you were chosen for any particularly extraordinary qualities, actually, from what you stated, it was precisely the lack of those qualities that made you a good match"

Ah. There it was. The painfully accurate, not entirely intended insult. Komaeda was a master of those.

"I suppose...so you're saying I just got lucky?" Hajime was staring at another piece of fruit.

"You could say that. It's not different at all from how people acquire a talent. You either get it, or you don't" Komaeda nodded, "Really, thinking you would have control over something like that...it's just extremely self-absorbed. You have to be chosen. Talent has nothing to do with who you are or the things you do"

Hajime kind of didn't expect this line of thinking to come from the other, but it's not like it didn't fit with the rest of his ideology. It was just weirdly...logical. For him, that is.  
And, what Hajime found a little worrying, it immediately made him feel better. That entire time, he always blamed himself for choosing to participate in the Kamukura project. Thinking it might not have been his fault at all, but purely luck, purely fate, it was comforting.

_Is this why you developed this worldview?_

"I mean, I kind of see your point, I guess. I don't agree that it wasn't my fault, since I absolutely believe we are required to make good choices, regardless of luck or whatever. But I get what you mean. And I'm not sure if that says more about you or me. Am I getting roped into your hope bullshit?" Hajime was only-half joking as he narrowed his eyes at the other, "Because I very politely refuse"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Hinata-kun" 

"Sure you don't"

Hajime smiled just a little, leaning back on his hands. The silence that followed these words was so strangely comfortable. He never imagined there would be a day where he could be discussing talent, of all things, with Komaeda, and not even be angry. Maybe he was just getting too mellow. Hiyoko did say he suffered from a horrible case of going soft. 

Ah, whatever. It's not like being outraged by everything brought him very far.

"Is this...?" Komaeda seemed to be examining a piece of apple unusually closely.

"Ah!" Hajime perked up a little, "You got it!"

"An apple bunny?" 

"Yup. How lucky. I only cut one for this entire bowl" Hajime stated.

Komaeda expression was something between disbelief and mild offense.

"Hinata-kun, are you mocking me?" he questioned, "Of course I got lucky"

"Yeah, that was on purpose" Hajime shrugged, chuckling a little.

"Huh..." Komaeda stared at the bunny for a moment longer, "If you knew I would find it...does this mean you prepared it for me?"

_Caught red handed._

"Just eat the damn apple, Komaeda" Hajime looked away for a moment, feeling his face heat up.

"Ah, that makes me happy!" the white-haired boy smiled cheerfully, "Thank you, Hinata-kun!"

"You were insulting me just a moment ago" Hajime reminded, realizing well that he was just trying to cover up his own embarrassment, "You sure are easily placated. Maybe I should just keep giving you food whenever you're being annoying"

Komaeda bit into the fruit, still smiling. 

"I love everything I receive from Hinata-kun" he repeated his usual mantra.

Another piece of apple got stuck on his chin. He seemed to feel it this time and attempted to lick it off. Emphasis on 'attempted'. He got frustrated eventually, wiping it off with the back of his hand instead.

"You sure do..."

Hajime was sure he was definitely just a little red in the face now. It was all Komaeda's fault, anyway. Why did he have to do everything in a cute way? Couldn't he just be normal?

Komaeda and normal didn't go together.

"Ah, but seriously" Hajime's gaze landed on the book, put away neatly in the corner of the cage, "I have no idea how this case is going to turn out. I wonder if the culprit is actually-"

"No, Hinata-kun!" Komaeda pointed a finger at him suddenly, "You can't say anything!"

"Why not?" Hajime blinked.

"Because if you try to guess, you will definitely be right" Komaeda crossed his arms, "Even if it's just by luck"

"I guess you're right" Hajime laughed awkwardly, "But isn't the point of mystery novels to guess?"

"Not at all" the other frowned, "Guessing is just frustrating. If you end up being right, you spoiled the story for yourself. And if you end up being wrong, you feel stupid"

He had a point, but also, why was he reading mystery novels at all, then?

"I guess..." Hajime relented.

Komaeda was eyeing his own fingers, clearly regretting using his healthy hand to eat. Sticky apple juices were not his favorite. 

"Alright, get out a little" Hajime stood up, heading for the bathroom, "We need to dry your hair"

He came back out with the hairdryer (which he had at some point brought over from his cottage because of course, Komaeda didn't own one). The other boy had compliantly left the cage, allowing Hajime to plug in the device and take a spot behind him.

"I can dry it myself" Komaeda's tone of voice wasn't as complaining as he seemed to intend for it to be.

"No, you can't" Hajime shook his head, "You're just going to make it even frizzier, like last time. You'll look like a samoyed"

Whatever protests Komaeda might have had were drowned out by the hairdryer. Hajime worked carefully, Ultimate Hairstylist guiding his moves. Komaeda's hair really did need the most special kind of care. And a wide comb.  
He had actually taken every opportunity he had to style it, finding out what weird hairstyles he could pull off. The other seemed surprisingly calm throughout his ministrations, only occasionally complaining he was getting bored. But then Hajime would usually just shove a book into his hands and ask him to read out loud again. It felt awfully domestic, sometimes.

If Hajime liked doing this a bit too much, it wasn't anyone's business. 

"Alright, that looks good" Hajime nodded, turning off the hairdryer.

Komaeda patted his hair with his hand, staring at a stray strand resting on his nose.

"Why did you dry it, anyway?" he asked, turning to face Hajime, "Are we going somewhere?"

Hajime winced a little internally. He had to breach the topic eventually, but still.

"Yes" he confirmed, "I..."

God, he really didn't know how to start with this one. 

"Okay" he inhaled a little, "Just give me a second"

He retreated back into the bathroom, dull green eyes following him before he closed the door. 

He had to admit, this was a little much for what was technically Komaeda's second time being outside in a long while. But he _needed_ that check-up. And his treatments. Besides, Hajime wasn't just going to continue sneaking out at night with him. Someone would definitely end up seeing them, he really wanted Komaeda to get more comfortable before then. Meeting Mikan as planned was better than meeting someone suddenly.

That wasn't entirely what worried him. No, his biggest worry was the solution he thought up for making this work. 

It was either going to go badly or end up being weird. There were no alternatives. But he had to try.

Chucking the hairdryer back under the sink, he looked at himself in the mirror. His hair was...spikier than usual. Did it get worse with stress or something? 

_You can do it, Hajime. You're cool. Everything's cool. This isn't going to be weird at all. Yes, you have a crush on him, but this is just a necessity. You're not doing it for suspicious reasons at all. This is all normal. This is fine_

_This is so not fine at all._

"So, um..." Hajime closed the door behind himself, staring at Komaeda.

The other was still sitting cross-legged on the floor. He was staring, as he did often, and it only made Hajime more awkward, as it did often. Komaeda's eyes were just very...piercing.

"I was planning on, well. I know you won't like it, probably, but-" Hajime cringed at his wording.

"The check-up, right?" Komaeda smiled.

Hajime stilled. 

"Um...yes?" he frowned a little, "How did you-"

"It's about time" Komaeda shrugged, "Besides, you were acting nervous. It was pretty obvious"

This was surprising. Komaeda never seemed to pay any attention to his hospital visits at all, to the point where it almost seemed apathetic. He would never go on his own, Hajime had to basically drag him. He assumed the other didn't remember or didn't care. 

"So you do know when they're supposed to happen" Hajime crossed his arms, "And yet I always had to personally escort you, or you wouldn't show up"

"I don't like them" Komaeda pouted a little, "If Hinata-kun goes with me, it's a little more bearable, I guess"

Hajime wasn't sure if he was supposed to be irritated at Komaeda's lack of care for his own health, or find it flattering that his presence made the other calm down. He was somewhere in between, either way, flustered.

"But how do you intend to do this?" Komaeda cocked his head to the side, "I still don't want to leave..."

Hajime grabbed his bag, taking out the rope. Show, don't tell, maybe.

"Ah!" Komaeda perked up so quickly, it was almost scary, "I see. That's alright, then"

He gave his healthy hand, holding it up in front of Hajime. The other blinked, staring. The rope burn was still there, if barely visible at this point. Komaeda was baring it with a little too much enthusiasm.

Hajime shook his head quickly.

"No, that's...not going to work" he fidgeted a little.

Komaeda's gaze was questioning as he slowly retracted his hand.

"Mikan knows" Hajime decided to finally just go out with it, "But nobody else does. If someone happens to be out and they see me walking you on that rope...I mean, no matter how good I am at lying, there is no getting out of that. We can't risk it"

"Do you mind, Hinata-kun?"

Komaeda's question made him pause. He looked at the other, gaze questioning.

"I understand! Being seen with someone like me is already terrible enough, isn't it?" Komaeda laughed, "Ah, how unlucky, though. I really didn't want to go on my own..."

"You won't" Hajime scolded himself internally, of course Komaeda would interpret it like that, "It's not that I don't want to be seen with you, it's-"

"That's completely fine, Hinata-kun!" Komaeda lifted his hands up, still smiling, "You don't need to explain yourself at all. It's perfectly understandable, really, it must be hard enough being here-"

Oh here we go. No, Hajime was not going to listen to **this** tonight.

"Komaeda" 

He was in front of the other in seconds, breaching his personal space by crawling closer. He was glaring as hard as he could, Komaeda visibly startled.

"I told you already, I'm staying. You can keep talking if you want, but unless you tell me to leave, you'll just be wasting your breath. I'm not going anywhere"

He would remind him if he had to. Over and over again. Until Komaeda got it. It could take a long time, but Hajime didn't give a shit. As long as he was wanted, he would absolutely stay. 

He didn't _want_ to leave. Not when every flick of the other's pale lashes, every small smile, every frown on his face, they all made Hajime feel so serene. He wanted to stay for as long as he could. 

"S-Sorry, um, I-" Komaeda looked away, eyes darting from the floor to the walls.

"Don't apologize. You don't have to" Hajime reached out with his hand, his gaze softening just a little, "Not for this. But..." he cupped the other's jaw, forcing their eyes to meet again, "Will you let me talk?"

He knew this was cheating, just a little bit. But not like Komaeda ever played fair, either.

The boy in question only nodded slightly, eyes focused on Hajime. 

"It's not that I mind being seen with you" Hajime retracted his hand, sitting back on his legs, "Of course I don't. I've been seen with you plenty of time already, and I don't care at all. You're my friend, after all"

He could swear Komaeda's lip quivered a little when he said that. 

"But I kind of...lied. To everyone else. About your, uh, situation" 

Damn, this was awkward. But he would have to admit it at some point.

"Lied?"

"I told them you weren't feeling well. That you didn't want to go to the hospital, but needed to stay in your cottage for a while. That I was taking care of you" Hajime was playing with the rope, moving it in between his thumbs.

"None of those are lies?" Komaeda lifted an eyebrow.

"Not precisely, but, well. They don't know about the...rope thing. Or anything else, for that matter" 

Hajime wasn't sure himself what he meant by 'everything else'.

The fact he spent his days listening to Komaeda read? Styling his hair? Fighting with him over eclairs? Instructing him on housework? Exchanging too long stares and freezing up anytime the other came too close?

The cage? The rope? The promise?

There were a lot of things he didn't tell anyone else about.

"I see..." Komaeda tapped his chin, thoughtful.

Hajime's heart got a little louder for a moment. Did Komaeda consider their time together as something important, too?

"So, well. I just. I don't want anyone to freak out for no reason. They haven't seen you in weeks, if we just go out like this, they will have a lot of questions. The beach was fine, once, but the hospital is farther away. We could meet someone on the way. And I don't want to put you on the spot" he decided just being honest was best.

"Hinata-kun, that's completely alright" Komaeda shook his head, "I've already caused you so much trouble, pulling you away from your work like this. Please, just blame it on me. It is my fault, after all. I'm sure if you say I forced you to take care of me, they will-"

"No way" Hajime was almost horrified, "You didn't force me into anything, actually, it's more like I barged into here"

_I'm the one who can't leave you alone._

"God, how far does this iceberg of self-hate go?" he narrowed his eyes at Komaeda, "I really would never, ever want to say that. And you didn't cause me any trouble at all"

Okay, that wasn't true, but it also probably wasn't the sort of trouble Komaeda was thinking of. The trouble he caused was the heart-throbbing kind. Hajime hated it in a very flustered way.

"You don't have to try and make me feel better..." Komaeda laughed.

"You think I'm lying?" Hajime glared again.

Now Komaeda actually stopped laughing, his expression immediately nervous.

"No, I wasn't-"

"But you were" Hajime insisted, "Please don't insinuate that. It's insulting" 

The other was silent for a moment but finally nodded, hesitantly.

"If we just meet someone, I can sort of tell the truth - that you needed a check-up, so we're going to the hospital. But if they see the rope, it will be an entirely different story. I don't think there are any ways I could explain this that wouldn't sound insane"

There really weren't. It was just a testament to how bizzare this entire thing was. Hajime had sort of made his peace with it, a fact that should have probably been worrying.

"I...would rather not go without it. I'm sorry..." Komaeda was abusing his lip again.

How come it wasn't bleeding yet?

"I wouldn't prefer that either. That's why I was thinking, um..." he was playing with the rope again, "I could do something different this time. It can't be in a visible place, but I know a way you can still wear it. I mean, if you would like that?"

He felt himself holding his breath as Komaeda stared at him curiously. He didn't look immediately opposed, so that was good?

"It might be a little...weird, but um. I promise I know what I'm doing" Hajime tried to smile encouragingly.

This was only half of a lie. He knew what he was doing with the rope. He didn't know what he was doing in general. Like, at all.

"Hinata-kun is very skilled" Komaeda smiled, "If it's alright even when you're not holding it, then. You can try whatever you want"

He spread his arms out a little, as if trying to demonstrate how willing he was to let the other 'try whatever he wanted'.

This had to be some form of legal torture, Hajime decided. 

Wait, no, that was a very bad comparison. He had recently learned a lot about _legal torture._

"Then...um. Take off your shirt, would you?"

He **tried** to make it sound innocent, but it was nearly impossible. Nothing about this situation was innocent, not with what he was about to do. There was almost no point in pretending anymore.

Komaeda visibly froze up a little, but grabbed the hem of his t-shirt with just slight delay. He wasn't supposed to listen to orders without the rope, but thinking he was doing it entirely on his own was bad for Hajime's heart.

"Turn around. It will be easier this way" Hajime instructed.

At this point, damn the innuendos. He just had to get through this. Staring at Komaeda's bare, nearly white skin, and trying not to be weird about it. Get through this. 

"That's good, now..." Hajime started but trailed off.

Komaeda had another scar on his back, this one far larger than the one he'd seen on his rib. It wasn't enormous, but big enough to be easily noticeable. Hajime reached out his hand before he realized. 

His fingers met skin, a lot warmer than he expected. Komaeda tensed visibly, goosebumps growing under Hajime's touch.

"Ah, sorry" the brown-haired boy retracted his hand, "I just-"

"I got stabbed" Komaeda spoke up, voice cheerful, if not a little nervous, "It was a miracle the knife didn't go all the way through. Well, it wasn't the first time, but it might have been the worst? It hurt quite a bit..."

 _Jesus Christ, Komaeda,_ was a common phrase for Hajime at this point.

"Don't move your arms" he only said instead, because Komaeda reached to touch the scar himself.

The other complied, and Hajime steadied himself. He needed to get to work.

His mind repeated the words he'd read as his hands moved, draping the rope across Komaeda's shoulder.

_'The upper area of the back can be a particularly vital spot. We are often naturally drawn to that part of the body when another person is in need of comfort. Hugging, patting, drawing circles on someone's back, they are all common behaviors in attempting to bring relaxation and express fondness. Actions performed near the upper spine can have a soothing effect. This is the part of the body that controls a lot of our muscles, therefore, limiting movement of the upper arms and back quickly creates a feeling of being restricted. It is often the first place a dominant might go to when needing to calm their submissive down, or express more control'_

He decided to avoid doing any knots on Komaeda's chest, since this was intended to be unnoticeable. He needed to make sure the front was as flat as possible. A simple crossing of the rope seemed best. The back was the more fancy part, and he couldn't really hide the fact he got a little happy about getting to use the new knots he'd learned. They were all fairly minimalistic, and he kept everything mostly loose, since Komaeda would need to move around freely - but it was still something new.

Hajime had been practicing a lot, no matter how much he tried to sort of avoid it. It became a habit, usually at night, whenever he couldn't fall asleep. He'd just sit in his bed, the only source of light in the room coming from the bedside lamp, and tie the knots over and over. He usually got way too into it, and his superhuman abilities meant he was capable of doing a lot in a very short time. He had at some point covered his entire bed in rope, attaching it to every possible spot. It looked like a spider nest. 

He knew it was ridiculous, but he found it a somewhat soothing activity. It was repetitive, but he didn't have a talent to use for it. Which meant the usual, dissociative feeling wasn't there. It was still easy, he usually got everything after reading about it just once - Ultimate Analyst, and god, did he hate that one.

Of course he did. Its owner was the only one he didn't feel guilty about. Should have died even sooner.

But even if it was easy, shibari was still pleasant, somehow. He liked seeing the knots take their shape. 

_I don't feel anything when I look at the things I make, usually._

"Okay, how does this feel?" Hajime tugged on the rope a little, inspecting the tightness.

Komaeda tensed up, with replied after a moment.

"It's alright. It's good. I. Um. It's fine" 

His voice was quiet and strained. Hajime frowned.

"Komaeda" he got in front of the other, staring him down, "Is everything okay?"

Wow, his face was red. Like, very red. Hajime tsked a little, and brought his hand to the other's forehead.

"I-I'm fine, Hinata-kun!" Komaeda closed his eyes when touched, "I swear!"

He didn't have a fever, well, it would be very weird if he suddenly did. But Hajime couldn't resist checking. 

"It's not too tight?" he eyed the rope critically.

"N-Not at all! It's perfectly fine!" Komaeda laughed, but it was more nervous than usual, "Um, thank you. It feels nice"

It was Hajime's turn to go a little red, now. Because dammit, did he have to phrase it like that? 

Hajime knew it could feel nice, he tried it on himself too, after all. But still. Hearing Komaeda praise his work was...different.

"We'll put a shirt over it, and the coat" he got up, heading for the drawers, "It should cover it. No one will be able to tell"

He didn't hesitate when rummaging through Komaeda's stuff, nowadays. He'd been putting away his laundry for a while. The other didn't seem to mind at all, either, or rather seemed glad to take every opportunity to tease Hajime about it, but never actually stop him. 

"God, how many of these do you have? It's like school uniforms. Just the same thing, over and over" Hajime scoffed at another white t-shirt.

"I never thought about it" Komaeda mused, "I suppose black would be more convenient to get bloodstains out of? But I don't think it would make a difference, they get destroyed anyway..."

"That's morbid. Practical, but morbid" Hajime shook his head, "You can't wear white with this, the black rope is going to show. Dammit..."

"Hm, wait, I think..." Komaeda crawled into the cage, rummaging around.

And Hajime got to see his work in motion, and it made his mouth go dry, really, really fast. 

The dark rope stood out starkly against Komaeda's pearl white skin. It moved slightly every time his muscles tensed, seeming almost alive. It looked like a part of him. Horrifyingly, Hajime found it captivating. 

_Stop that, dammit._

"Ah! Here it is!" Komaeda lifted something up out of a pile of blankets.

He was holding **Hajime's shirt.**

"Hey! That's-" the boy in question narrowed his eyes.

"I forgot to give it back this morning" Komaeda laughed, "How lucky, right? If I remembered, I wouldn't have anything to wear, now"

Hajime wanted to instinctively protest against Komaeda wearing the shirt again, mostly because it made him feel way too many things. 

"No one will realize, right?" the other pondered, "It's a pretty generic shirt"

He had a point. Unfortunately.

"Alright, I guess" Hajime relented, "If you really don't have anything else, then whatever. Actually, just keep it" 

He had no clue why he said that. Probably because Komaeda was putting on the shirt, and it looked good. Way too good.

"Eh?" The other startled, halfway through buttoning the garment up, "H-Hinata-kun?"

"What? If you don't want it, then-" 

Yes, he was acting petty, but dammit, this was too much. His head was stuffed with unnecessary thoughts.

"I do!" Komaeda grabbed on the shirt, as if trying to prove his point, "Thank you, Hinata-kun!"

This was a lot more enthusiasm than usual. And a lot less complaining about how he didn't deserve it. Did he really want the shirt this much?

Well, if Hajime wore nothing besides white t-shirts, he'd probably be happy to have something new, too.

"Whatever" Hajime sighed, trying to distract himself, "If you're ready, then let's go"

Komaeda froze up a little at that but stared at Hajime all the same. 

The other swallowed. Okay, this was it. He had to focus.

Not saying anything for a moment, Hajime went behind the other again. Putting his hand on Komaeda's back, he felt the rope through the shirt. He grabbed on the part that went straight through the middle, intentionally meant to allow him to manhandle the other a little. Komaeda straightened up when Hajime pulled on the rope, and shit, it _was_ different than just a hand.

But Hajime needed to keep his composure. 

He placed his palm flat against the other's back, now, and dragged it up and down slowly. He could feel his spine poking out, he really was skinny. His shoulderblades felt sharp, almost. 

"Even if I can't hold it all the time" Hajime murmured, bringing his head a little closer to Komaeda's ear, "I can still grab it if I feel like it. But I shouldn't have to, anyway. You can feel it, right? You should remember to be good, then. You'll go with me to the hospital and be nice, right?"

It was nonsense, once again, but not like it mattered. It was about the message. Komaeda already knew what Hajime meant. 

"Y-Yes" Hajime saw him swallow as he answered.

"Alright then. I'll trust you" he smiled a little, even though he knew Komaeda couldn't see him.

_So please, trust me in return._

When they headed for the door this time, Komaeda didn't make a move for his shoes. Hajime actually hasn't intended on doing that again, he really didn't know what possessed him the first time, anyway, but well. If the other expected it, what choice did he have?

He could have not made eye contact the entire time as he put his shoes on this time. But he did. 

He definitely didn't have to help him put the coat on, but he also did.

Right as Hajime's hand was on the doorknob, he felt himself being tackled, again. 

"W-What is it?" he tried not to tense up too much.

Komaeda pressed his head to Hajime's neck, and, oh god, he could feel the rope. Just barely, through both of their shirts.

"This is a little rude, isn't it?" Komaeda laughed quietly against him, "Walking around like this...when nobody knows..."

_Oh god, don't say it. You're not supposed to say it._

"I'm sharing a secret with Hinata-kun" the other tightened his hold for a moment.

"So lucky..." he murmured, "It almost feels like I might start liking my luck a little. Ah, that's bad. That's really bad"

He was laughing again, and Hajime unconsciously placed his own palm over his. 

"Hinata-kun..." Komaeda rocked a little against him, his voice quiet, "When you're being kind to me, I want to run away, you know? I want to run away so badly, sometimes..." his voice trailed off into a hum.

Hajime didn't know what song he was humming, but it sounded nice. 

"You can't" he spoke after a moment, breaking the tune, "You can't run away"

He turned around to face Komaeda. The other's eyes were a little clouded, following the movement of his lips as he spoke. 

"I'm not letting you" Hajime placed his hand on Komaeda's back again, slipping a finger under the rope, "As long as you wear this, you won't run away. You're not allowed to"

That was a lie, obviously, if Komaeda wanted to stop, he just had to say so. But that wasn't the point, and Hajime knew that. 

"Okay" Komaeda answered quietly, fidgeting a little, "I won't"

Hajime smiled, retracting his hand. 

He was grateful for the cicadas, this time. As they left the cottage, the noise enveloped them, drowning out his panicked thoughts. Everything was fine. He had it all under control. 

"Ah..." Komaeda was walking next to him from the start this time, "Another clear night?"

Hajime followed the other's gaze, looking up at the sky.

"Yeah, actually, I think it hadn't rained once in the last two weeks" he considered, "I'm really glad we got that pool done, finally. I don't think I could have lasted much longer in this heat"

Komaeda nodded.

"Mhm. The weather is a little hard to deal with, isn't it? That one time, I was thinking of locking myself in one of those supermarket fridges, you know..." he laughed.

"What is it with you and hiding in small places?" Hajime lifted a brow, "Well, I'm glad it didn't happen. Kazuichi would have freaked out if he found you in there"

Just like he, and basically everyone else freaked whenever they found Komaeda anywhere. The white-haired boy had a unique quality of being extremely sneaky. He walked like a cat, and could stay very silent if he wanted to. It was common not to notice him when one entered a room, and sometimes people would not realize he was there at all until he spoke up. What made this worse was Komaeda's awkwardness, which meant he would purposefully try and stay quiet as not to disturb anyone. 

Hajime remembered one particular time when they had been working on fixing a leaking roof. Hajime barged into the warehouse, shirtless, sweating, with hands covered in soot, looking for more nails, since they ran out. He spent a good twenty minutes rummaging in the boxes, cursing at whoever had made a mess again. He must have murmured something about what he was looking for, because when he got up to look in another section, he was greeted by a smiling Komaeda holding an entire handful of nails.  
Apparently the other had been in the warehouse when Hajime entered, and overheard the other's frustration. The nails had been stuffed into a box containing motor oil cans, for some reason, and Komaeda found them by accident. 

Hajime was grateful, right after he got over his near heart attack from having the other appear seemingly out of nowhere.

"Doesn't seem like there's anyone out today" Hajime wondered, "Guess we're lucky"

He sent Komaeda a small smirk, to which the other narrowed his eyes. 

The island at night was still very dark at night, but the main roads connecting the most important facilities actually had lamps installed, now. They weren't extremely bright, but they made walking around a lot easier. 

"Hey, Hinata-kun?" Komaeda spoke up again, turning his head to look at Hajime.

"What is it?"

"I was wondering..." the other tapped his chin, "How many talents do you have, exactly?"

Hajime furrowed his brows a little. 

"I couldn't say" he shook his head.

"You don't know?" Komaeda lifted his eyebrows.

"Well, it's..." Hajime considered it, "It's talent. You don't exactly know you're talented until you try your hand at something, right?"

Komaeda seemed to ponder the question.

"I realize when I attempt something, whether I have it or not" Hajime continued, "Then I can always tell, because I start doing it before I even consider what I'm doing..." he focused, trying to think of a better way to explain it, "Oh, I know. Ask me a question"

"A question?" the other cocked his head to the side.

He always did that. It was kind of cute.

_Shut up, Hajime._

"Something specific. Something a regular person wouldn't just know" the brown-haired boy nodded.

Komaeda was pensive for a moment, brows furrowing in thought.

"Okay, then..." he finally spoke again, "What does a Red Lionfish eat?"

"The red lionfish is an apex predator. They feed on small fish, shrimp, crabs, and other invertebrates, typically smaller than 10 centimeters in length. Lionfish feed in a solitary manner, approaching their prey slowly, finally seizing it-" Hajime remembered to breathe in the middle of the sentence.

"Wow! That's correct! Amazing, Hinata-kun..." Komaeda clasped his hands together, laughing.

"Wait," Hajime narrowed his eyes, "And why do **you** know that?"

"Ah, that's..." Komaeda looked somewhere to the horizon, smiling a little, "I had this one book when I was a kid. Well, I had a lot of books, but that one I really liked. It was something about 'invasive species of the world'...?" he tried to recall, "I'm not sure, but I always enjoyed that fish section the most. I read it so many times, I remember even now"

 _That doesn't sound like a book you would give a child_ , Hajime thought.

"Well, I didn't know that" Hajime admitted, "At least, I didn't know I did until this very moment. What you just witnessed was the Ultimate Marine Biologist"

"Really?" Komaeda was watching him as if he was trying to figure out a puzzle, "Then...it just comes to you?"

"Kind of, yes" Hajime stated, "It has to be prompted. Same with my abilities. I won't be able to know if I can play the violin until someone gives me one and I try it. And I can't be sure if I know something until someone asks" he nodded, "So I can't tell how many talents I have, really. I would have to try my hand at everything, and that's impossible"

Komaeda was deep in thought, furrowing his brows. 

"I know it's a little confusing" Hajime chuckled, "I had trouble getting my head around it at first, too. But I think it's like this..." he made a vague motion with his hands, attempting to portray his idea, "Imagine you get really good at something, for example, playing the piano" he didn't know where the instrument examples were coming from, but he decided to roll with it, "You spend years learning how to read music, specific pieces, and music history. But then, one day, you lose all memories of doing that. Next time you sit down at a piano, it turns out, you can still play perfectly. You can read notes, and you remember every piece you've ever learned. But you don't know how you got there anymore. It feels like you just woke up and knew it all for no reason" 

That was exactly how it felt, really. It was all result with no process. Like waking up somewhere and not remembering how you got there. 

It was similarly infuriating, sometimes.

"I don't know if I can imagine that...if you lose your memories, shouldn't you lose your abilities as well?" Komaeda mused.

"That's exactly why it's so weird" Hajime laughed quietly, "Just imagine feeling like that about nearly everything. I can't really be all that positive about my talents" he stared at the ground for a moment.

He saw Komaeda stir a little. He looked like a pigeon ruffling his feathers.

"That's not good" the other boy crossed his arms, frowning, "If someone as amazing as Hinata-kun isn't proud of themselves. Being unsure, you can't bring any hope at all" he shook his head.

Hajime rolled his eyes, but smiled.

"I mean, I kind of agree. Hey, but actually..." he realized something, "Now that I think about it. How did you realize your talent?"

Komaeda lifted an eyebrow at him.

"I mean" Hajime wondered, "Naegi told me once he never even knew luck was considered an Ultimate Talent. He thought it was just a title given to whoever happened to win the lottery at Hope's Peak" he nodded, "But you knew before, right?"

"It is a talent, I suppose" Komaeda agreed, "Although it is quite pathetic compared to the actual Ultimates, isn't it?" he laughed.

Hajime understood his position, but that opinion was just blatantly incorrect. Luck was an absolutely horrifying talent in terms of what it could allow the owner of it to do. He would know, he was lucky too. 

"I realized at some point when I was younger, I think" Komaeda mused, "And after I started to take interest in Hope's Peak...I read about the other lucky students"

"Did you expect it?" Hajime questioned, "That you would win?"

"After I got my diagnosis, kind of" the other admitted, "I still couldn't believe it, a little bit, but. It wasn't surprising, exactly. More like...way too extraordinarily exciting" he shivered a little, smiling.

"I was excited too" Hajime admitted, "About the school, about the Kamukura project..." 

God, how naive he was back then.

"If anything good came out of it..." he went a little quiet, staring back up at the sky, "I'm....glad I got to meet you guys"

"...that's such a selfish thing to say, Hinata-kun" Komaeda didn't sound angry, not really, "As expected of a reserve course student..."

Hajime snorted. Despite raving about Hajime's talents, and his 'shining hope', Komaeda was **still** so salty about that. It was funny how contradictory he got sometimes. Hajime thought it was weirdly fitting. Komaeda's opinion of him was just as split as Hajime's own mind sometimes felt. 

"I know" the brown-haired boy smiled, "But it's not like there's anyone here to judge me. Except for you" he side-eyed the other a little.

"Well, as I said" Komaeda lifted a hand up, as if he was lecturing someone, "So many Ultimates getting together to fight against despair, that is a once-in-a-lifetime thing. Being able to witness that, I suppose...I'm glad too. Even if it was kind of disappointing, in the end" he huffed a little.

"I'm not going to apologize" Hajime answered, still smiling.

The bright, shining light in front of them made him realize they had reached the hospital.

"Mikan's waiting for us" he almost unconsciously placed his hand on Komaeda's back, pushing him forward a little, "Let's go"

The other nodded, silent, but walked calmly net to Hajime as they made their way through the corridors. Hajime's hand didn't leave his back, drawing slow circles over the coat. 

"Mikan? You in-" Hajime didn't get to finish his sentence this time as they peeked into the on-call room.

"Argh!"

The nurse in question had fallen off a bed, and was now staring at them, upside down. Her legs were hanging in the air, her body contorted in a way that looked almost painful. 

"Sorry, once more" Hajime laughed, helping her up, "I need to think of some way to have my greetings be a little less surprising"

"N-No, i-i-it's not y-your fault!" Mikan scrambled to fix her clothes, "I-I shouldn't h-have f-fallen asleep. I w-was j-just going t-to close my e-eyes..."

"It's fine" Hajime waved dismissingly, "That's on me, anyway. Sorry for making you stay up late"

"T-That's-" Mikan started what was definitely going to be another apology, but her eyes darted to Komaeda.

"Ah, h-how are you feeling?!" she grabbed both his hands, staring at his intently, "I a-apologize, I got s-so distracted-"

"Um, Hello, Tsumiki-san" Komaeda smiled, "Thank you for having me"

 _Polite, aren't we,_ Hajime thought. Oh well. At least Komaeda was making an effort. 

"A-Ah, h-how are your m-migraines? Is y-your sense of b-balance okay? We need to check your blood pressure!" Mikan was already dragging him off to the examination room. 

Komaeda, as usual, looked perfectly compliant, but Hajime made sure to keep close. He was hovering behind them as Mikan got lost in her work, fussing around the white-haired boy. She sat him down in the grey chair, immediately putting his healthy arm in the blood pressure monitor. As she turned it on, she was already preparing the needles. Nothing if not efficient. 

Hajime looked around, humming to himself. 

He was used to this room, really, he was used to all the rooms in the hospital at that point. He had spent a lot of time there, back when everyone still needed around-the-clock care. Some people recovered faster than others, but nearly everyone spent their first week in bed, drifting in and out of consciousness. The first few days were always the hardest. 

"Ouch..." 

"Ah! I'm s-sorry! T-The n-needle, um, I'll g-get another one!" Mikan apologized as Komaeda winced at his arm.

"Just my luck..." he stared at the broken needle when Mikan threw it in the trash.

Hajime approached him, hand drifting to his back.

"It's fine" he murmured, "We'll get another one" 

He drew little patterns with his fingers, feeling out the rope. It was barely there, hidden under a layer of shirt and coat, but he could make it out. He traced it, pushing a little occasionally. He felt Komaeda tense under his touch, only to relax again moments later. 

"It stinks in here, doesn't it?" Komaeda turned his head to look at him when Hajime spoke, close to his ear, "I don't like it"

The other had a questioning expression.

"Aren't you a doctor?" he narrowed his eyes.

"Technically. Doesn't mean I enjoy hospital smell. I wonder, do actual doctors like it?" he turned over to look at Mikan. 

"E-Eh? I-I d-don't know?" she fidgeted, "I l-like it..."

She sure did. Hajime had actually caught her sniffing a freshly opened package of bandages before. He had sworn to never speak of it. 

"A-Alright, Hajime, d-do y-you w-want to..um.." Mikan threw away the needle, placing the vial full of blood away on the cart.

Komaeda turned his head, then, staring after the vial. He looked surprised. 

"The examination, I know" Hajime nodded, "Komaeda, take off your shirt"

He gave the command automatically as he put on gloves and grabbed the stethoscope. His brain caught up with him a second later, but it was already past the point of no return.

Komaeda was sitting on the chair, his coat and Hajime's shirt hanged neatly on the armrest. 

His entire upper half was bare, which meant _the rope_ was on full display. Hajime wanted to hit himself.

"A-Ah, I-I-I t-think I...I H-HAVE TO G-G-GO CHECK S-SOMETHING!"

Before he could stop her, Mikan ran out of the room, stumbling, her face red as a beet.  
Hajime ran his hand over his face.

"Sorry about that" he looked over at Komaeda, "I wasn't thinking"

The other only stared after Mikan questioningly, then his eyes darted to Hajime. He seemed completely unaware of what transpired. 

"Okay, breathe normally, now" 

Hajime started the examination as usual, movements robotic. As his Ultimates took over, he sent sporadic glances towards Komaeda. He was sitting in the chair a little stiffly but didn't look distressed. Then again, it was kind of hard to tell with him, sometimes. Hajime tugged on the rope a little, just to make sure, and the other straightened up. 

The rope was supposed to be distracting Komaeda, but Hajime felt like it was distracting _him_ as well. His eyes kept darting to it when he placed the stethoscope over the other's chest. And, oh, that heartbeat was loud. That was good, but also, Hajime never remembered it making him feel so awkward. This shouldn't feel weird. He was making it weird. Again.

There were no irregularities, at least. Hajime felt like his own heart was having problems, though. 

"Follow it with your eyes, please" he lifted a pen up next.

He watched intently as Komaeda's pupils darted from one side to the other, following his movements. But then they stopped, staring straight at Hajime instead.

"The pen, Komaeda" he glared a little, for good measure.

Komaeda obediently went back to proving his neurological functions, sitting calmly through Hajime's next ministrations. He looked a little bored, but that couldn't be helped. He knew the drill, maybe a little too well. Drawing blood, checking temperature, heartbeat, then a few minutes of examining motor functions, checking the pupil reactions...and really, it was mostly formalities, anyway. But Hajime liked to make sure. 

"Okay, looks good" he nodded, nearly exhaling in relief, "You're doing great"

He really was, Hajime reminded himself. Those last results were nothing short of miraculous. It still made him feel a bit giddy. 

"Put your clothes back on, we need to get the scans, now" he instructed, putting the notes he'd been taking away on the desk.

"Ah...I really don't like that..." Komaeda sighed, buttoning up the shirt. 

Hajime looked over at him. The other suddenly looked akin to a kicked puppy. His hair seemed to almost flatten a bit. 

He knew Komaeda hated the MRI machine, mostly because of the noise. Well, he didn't suspect anyone liked it much, but the white-haired boy had very sensitive hearing. He told Hajime he used to always dread the scans the most because his ears would keep ringing afterward. 

Hajime cursed a little to himself. He knew he shouldn't, really, this was just part of a regular check-up, Komaeda should suck it up. But...

"Would you like a reward this time, too?" 

He came closer, Komaeda staring at him. He looked unprepared. Exactly how Hajime felt.

"If you go through this without complaining, you can ask for anything you want. Within reason" he added quickly, "As long as it's not dangerous, I'll do it"

The other's eyes widened, blinking. Hajime knew this was a horrible idea, but fuck, he really hated seeing Komaeda so uncomfortable. Besides, he would probably just ask Hajime to sleep with him again or something. He could handle it. 

"...okay" Komaeda's eyes were almost shining as he answered, a hushed sound.

Hajime was already regretting it. But he was a man of his word if nothing else.

"Then let's go" 

Komaeda followed him obediently, and Hajime kept his hand on his back again. Their shoes clacked against the cold, white floors. Everything felt a bit strange again. 

Hajime realized he had a thing for this. Caring about Komaeda, instructing him, calming him down. He liked the feeling in his hand as the other relaxed against it. It was a little messed up, probably. But he didn't have the strength to berate himself for it. 

"We're ready for the MRI" he spoke to Mikan as he entered the room adjacent to where the machine was. 

She was fumbling with some documents, clearly having been waiting there the entire time. She still seemed a little flushed, but she smiled, unlocking the MRI room. 

Hajime was infinitely grateful for her professional conduct. He would have to do something nice for her later.

"O-Okay. P-please, um..." she gestured to the machine.

"I got it" Komaeda, surprisingly, walked to the machine on his own, laying down on the moving bed.

There was no hesitation on his face as Hajime put the noise-canceling headphones on him. He looked almost serene, letting the other adjust the glass hatch over his head. As Hajime heard the lock click in place, Komaeda's eyes darted to his own. The white-haired boy smiled, almost in a comforting way. 

Hajime blinked. Was he looking nervous or something? Why was Komaeda the one reassuring him now?

He hesitated, but his instincts won again. As the bed moved, Komaeda being slowly inserted into the machine, he brushed his fingers over Komaeda's hand. They moved a little in return. 

Hajime exhaled as he closed the door to the MRI room. His heart was doing strange things again. 

"Everything looking okay?" He peered over Mikan's shoulder, staring at the screen of the machine control. 

"Y-Yes. U-Um, I will t-turn it o-on n-now..." she hit a couple of buttons in quick succession. 

"Systems online. Initiating scan"

An Alter Ego AI booted up, taking control of the machine functions. This one had Hajime's voice, too. Actually, every single one they used had it. It just kind of happened, and quite frankly, he got used to it, eventually. Not that it didn't startle him, occasionally. 

Alter Ego proceeded to run commands quickly, the screen filling with imagery. Hajime didn't feel the need to stare at it anymore. The first few times he used to sit with his eyes glued to the monitor, not trusting the AI to do as good of a job as he did. But there were never any problems. He programmed the AI as well, so it made sense, he supposed. 

Naegi always said that the Ultimate Programmer was an extraordinary person, even amongst the talented individuals of class 78th. 

Whirring noises and annoying beeping, coming in muffled from the other room, confirmed that the machine was running. Hajime sighed a little, stretching himself. These always took at least twenty minutes, if not more. 

"How are you doing?" he asked Mikan, resting his upper half on the windowsill.

He could see the island, plunged in darkness except for the road lights. Moonlight reflected off the surface of the ocean.

"I-I'm o-okay...um..." Mikan came closer, next to him, fidgeting with her bandages. 

"That's good"

He wanted to put some effort into conversation, but he was feeling a little tired. Besides, Mikan was often content to just have someone spend time with her. She did still get insecure about her small talk skills. Which were almost nonexistent.

They stood next to each other in silence for a while, looking out the window. Hajime wondered if Komaeda was feeling okay inside the machine. He brushed his fingers on the windowsill absentmindedly, the image of the other's calm smile in his mind. It almost felt like Komaeda was trying so hard for _him_. But that couldn't have been it. Right? He knew the other admired his talents, and maybe even liked his company, but...

"Um...H-Hajime?" 

Mikan's voice brought him out of his thinking. He smiled at her.

"Yes?" he asked, making sure to keep his voice relatively quiet. 

Mikan disliked shouting, even if she did a lot of it herself. 

"I...I w-was wondering..." she visibly couldn't look him in the eye, staring off somewhere out the window.

There was a pause as she was trying to gather herself. Hajime could wait. He had nowhere to be, anyway. 

"I w-wanted to ask. You. Um. Y-You...really c-care about Komaeda, r-right?"

Hajime immediately froze up at the question. His stomach did a little flip, he could almost hear how sharply he inhaled. 

_Where did this even come from?_

"Um?" he started, realizing keeping quiet would just incriminate him further, "I...suppose? I care about all of you, of course. And I want him to get better-"

"That's not it!" 

Mikan nearly tackled him then, pinning his hands down to the windowsill. She wasn't particularly strong, not against Hajime, at least, but he didn't push her away, mostly out of surprise. 

"Hajime" her eyes were darting a little bit too quickly, from his face to his body, "T-Tell me. Y-You learned it, didn't you? Do you understand?!"

She screamed the last part, her voice breaking. Hajime breathed in. It was just another attack.

"Mikan" he looked at her intently, his voice calm, "Look at me. Everything is okay. You're here. Breathe"

She trembled a little but complied. She closed her eyes for a moment, probably grounding herself, just like Hajime taught her to. Her lashes fluttered opened again after a moment, and the grip she had on Hajime loosened a little. 

But she didn't let go. 

"I-I'm sorry" her voice was quiet. 

"It's okay" Hajime smiled. 

"B-But!" she looked up at him again, brows furrowing, "D-Don't try to dodge the question!" 

Hajime's brows shot up. Shit, she was serious. And it didn't seem like she was just going through a bad moment. 

"...what question?" he had to go along with it. 

"Hajime" her voice was steady now, so strangely, and her eyes felt like they were drilling into Hajime's soul.

**"You're in love, aren't you?"**

Hajime's mind didn't register her words at first. The room suddenly felt far away, his own body floating somewhere off in space. Pure panic gripped his mind, its fingers icy cold on his neck.

"WHAT?" 

He shouted, just because he felt like if he didn't, he would run away. And he couldn't do that. Not with Komaeda in the MRI room. 

_Shit, did she plan this?_

Mikan's hands left his side as she covered her head instead. She was shaking again. 

"Ah...sorry" Hajime tried to be more honest with the apology, but he was way too shocked. 

Mikan lifted herself up again after a moment, shaking her head.

"I-It's o-okay. I...said something w-weird again, right?" her lips quivered, her voice unsteady. 

Hajime didn't answer. He couldn't. He was just so confused. How? How did she know?

"B-But..." she bit her lip, a habit Hajime really wished he didn't associate with someone else, "I'm right, aren't I?"

She was. That where the problem laid. Hajime's mind was going into overdrive. He needed to lie, as quickly as possible. He needed to-

"I-I can always tell" Mikan moved closer again, staring at his face, "S-So...you don't h-have to hide it. Hajime. Hajime. Hajime..."

Her voice still made him feel uneasy whenever she got like this. He knew he needed to calm her down, but he couldn't even calm himself down. 

"Your eyes shine s-so...when y-you look at him..." her hair was brushing against his chest, "Ah, H-Hajime. This is...But you know, but you know! Y-You understand that feeling now..."

Hajime swallowed. He was realizing how stupid he'd been. Of course _Mikan_ would notice. Why the hell didn't he consider this? She, of all people, would obviously know. He supposed he believed in his own poker face way too much. Anyone else might have been fooled, but not Mikan. 

If Komaeda had a sixth sense for talent and hope, Mikan had one for affection. It was terrifying, if understandable, considering what she'd gone through. Even if she was doing better, these moments would occasionally come back, and there was no quicker way to draw them out than acting too lovey-dovey. It was as if a switch was flipped inside of her. 

Hajime had expected her and Komaeda to maybe get into one of their, what he liked to call, ideological stand-offs. They would both get heated like this, usually ending with one of them withdrawing from too many emotions. It was weird but mostly harmless. Maybe it even calmed them down. 

He had not expected to become the target instead.

There was only one way to get her to back off now. He needed to admit defeat.

"O-Okay...listen" he placed his hand on her shoulder, pushing her away a little.

She got quiet, then, observing him intently. 

"I...shit. Alright. You're correct" he sighed, "I'm sorry. I..."

There was no point in trying to avoid it. Mikan was shy, and often confused, and scared of a lot of things - but she was passionate. If she cared about something, there was no way to get her out of it. 

"T-There is nothing to b-be sorry for!" she smiled at him, the serene expression unfitting of her face, "This is w-wonderful!"

Hajime stilled, unsure. This had already gone horribly. There wasn't much else to lose, really. 

"You're...not weirded out?" he questioned, hesitant. 

She already knew, and it's not like she would forget any time soon. He might have as well stopped stressing and be honest. 

"W-weirded out? W-Why would I-I...?" 

"Because it's Komaeda, of all people!" Hajime sighed, "You don't think it's strange?"

She blinked, seemingly thoughtful.

"T-That's not...why would it matter?" she sounded a little irritated, almost.

"Because he's, well. Komaeda is Komaeda. You know" he made a vague gesture with his hands. 

"S-So what?" she came closer again, staring him down, "H-Hajime, are y-you ashamed? Hajime, that's not...!"

He felt like he got caught doing something bad. 

_Ashamed?_

"Hajime, you don't c-choose like that. Sometimes..." she bit her lip again, looking away. 

"Sometimes y-you can...fall in love with b-bad people, too"

Hajime wanted to hit himself, for what was probably the third time that day. He'd just insinuated, in front of _Mikan_ of all people, that there was something wrong with the way he felt about Komaeda. This was literally the worst. He was literally the worst. 

"I didn't mean it like that-" he almost felt like there was no saving this conversation.

"B-But Komaeda isn't b-bad!" she cut in, "N-Not at all! H-He's a little, um, s-strange, yes. But that's o-okay!"

She seemed very passionate all of a sudden. Hajime was surprised at how vehemently she was defending the white-haired boy. They had a particularly nasty confrontation in the simulation. Did Komaeda's time in the hospital really change that much?

"I know he isn't" Hajime stated, "Of course, I. I like him, dammit. I don't...I don't think there's anything wrong with him"

Well, that wasn't exactly true, but it was more like there was enough wrong with all of them that Komaeda didn't seem that special anymore.

"Ah...Hajime admitted i-it" Mikan smiled again, fidgeting with her hands, "T-That is s-so amazing..." 

Hajime felt awkward, but if he had to choose, this was still better than anyone else finding out. Mikan was strange about this sort of thing, but at least she was understanding. Love was so important to her, she didn't seem to care about who, where, or how. It was normally somewhat disturbing, but right now, Hajime was grateful. 

He should have expected this. He didn't want anyone to find out, so of course, someone would. He might have been lucky, but some laws of the world never changed. 

"Um...if you could please not tell anyone. I would be grateful" Hajime started again. 

"Huh?" Mikan looked up at him, "O-Of course not. T-That's...I would never" she had a look of determination on her face. 

"Thank you" Hajime relaxed a little, finally.

"But...I-I was wondering..." she wavered, "D-Did you tell him?"

_Ah. Shit._

"W-Well, I..." Hajime trailed off, already feeling his defeat.

"You didn't" predictably, Mikan realized right away, "...Hajime"

He changed his mind. This was still the worst. 

"Hajime" she repeated again, "Y-You should tell him"

_You think I don't know that?_

"That's, um...I..." he felt pathetic.

He was there with her during her treatments, he was there with her when she was crying and screaming, holding her head up, telling her to breathe. He saw her wake up in the middle of the night, shouting, throwing things around. He saw her crying her eyes out as her stomach made her double over in pain. But she made it. She made it through it all, she made it through the nightmares, the mood swings, the delusions. She did it all, toughed it out. 

And yet here he was, not being able to look her in the eye because she dared to ask if he confessed to a person he liked. He felt really, really pathetic.

"I just...I think I need more time. I need to figure it out-" 

"W-What if there i-isn't going to be any more time?" she interrupted him. 

Hajime stilled. 

"L-Love is..." Mikan bit her lip again, "So f-fickle. What if you...don't get to..." she looked away, staring out the window behind him. 

Fear struck Hajime, sudden, drowning. Like he was thrown into the open sea.

Komaeda was getting better, but that didn't have to mean anything. He could relapse. He could get worse. Or he could get into a freak accident, hell knows he had enough of those. Maybe one would finally do the job, eventually.

Komaeda could die, just like anyone could. And Hajime could be left having never said anything substantial about his feelings at all.

**Just like with her.**

His head was spinning, for a moment he felt like he was going to throw up. He hung his head down, trying to steady his stomach. The memory was there, it was always there, washing over him when he'd least expected it. Her gentle smile, her sleepy gaze. Hajime's idiocy. 

_Never, please, god, never again. Never, never, never, never-_

"H-Hajime?" Mikan's voice sounded distant, as if he was hearing it from under the water, "Hajime! H-Hajime!"

He blinked, finally feeling like he was coming back to himself.

"Um?" he looked at Mikan, "Sorry, I-"

"I-I know"

And she really did. It was obvious by how she looked at him. Hajime smiled a little in return. 

"I'm sorry, I-I shouldn't have. But...even...s-still" she seemed to be focusing deeply, "H-Hajime, I..."

She looked like she was using all her strength, trying to be brave.

"I-I want y-you to be happy" she spoke, quietly, "And K-Komaeda, too"

She looked small again, her earlier outburst completely burned out. 

"B-Because...you forgave me"

It took Hajime a moment to realize she wasn't talking about just him, but Komaeda, as well.

"I...want to try. But I just..." Hajime fidgeted, "I just. Don't know anything about love"

He really felt like he didn't.

"Eh?" Mikan looked surprised, "H-Hajime, that's not...you don't have to know anything"

Hajime stared at her, trying to figure out the meaning behind her words.

"So...I-I think you s-should-" her words were stopped by incessant beeping.

"Scan complete"

Hajime's own voice sounded from the speaker, informing them the MRI had finished its job. Hajime felt like he was brutally shaken out of some strange dreamland. His head felt fuzzy, still.

"Thank you, Alter Ego" he spoke the words that triggered the system to turn off, heading for the door. 

"I, um..." he placed his hand on the handle, knowing once he opened it, he and Mikan wouldn't be alone anymore, "I...I will try. I'll think about it. So, don't worry about me, Mikan"

He didn't wait for her answer, heading into the room. 

Komaeda was still laying on the bed, unmoving. Hajime always hated that. The way the other looked in that contraption, so still he might have not been alive at all.

"It's over" he spoke, freeing Komaeda's head from the hatch, "You're okay"

The other probably couldn't hear him, since he still had the headphones on, but Hajime saw his gaze wander to his lips. He was reading, trying to figure it out.

"Sorry" Hajime took the headphones off and helped Komaeda to sit up, "I was just saying it's over"

The other had a very sleepy look on his face, clearly still out of it. Hajime didn't blame him. The noise, combined with being forced not to move, created a sort of zero-gravity feeling. It was quite unpleasant. 

"Careful" he said, as Komaeda slowly stood up.

Hajime was holding him, and god, his hand was cold. A lot colder than usual. It was the whole not-moving thing, most likely. The MRI room was kept cool, it had to be, and laying in there for extended periods of time made one's body heat drain really quickly. 

"You did good" Hajime placed his hand on the other's back again as they headed out of the room. 

Komaeda didn't answer but hummed a little. It sounded fairly content. 

"E-Everything looks good" Mikan smiled at them, staring at the screen, "Nothing i-interrupted the scan. W-We will have the results...in a w-while" she nodded.

"Thank you" Hajime said, and there was a lot more hiding there than being grateful for her help with brain scans. 

She didn't say anything, but she nodded, a little hesitantly. Her smile was small, albeit gentle. Maybe this was okay. 

The only thing Komaeda had left now were his injections and another examination. Hajime didn't really register any of it. His mind was somewhere else, again, wondering about things he thought he didn't want to wonder about.

He had thought about it before, of course he had. That he should tell Komaeda. That he should make a move, do something, at least. But it seemed like a completely far-away thought, akin to theory that should never be put into practice. Mikan's words were like a bucket of cold water. It was like she pulled him out of that strange little bubble he'd built with himself and Komaeda, in his cottage, in his stupid cage. She pulled him out, and it hurt, but he realized he was grateful.

Because he didn't want to just stay in that bubble. He didn't want to just keep stealing glances at the other boy, keep pretending his touches were just necessary, and never lingered too long. Every time Komaeda berated himself, Hajime wanted to be able to say something. 

_"I like you, dammit, so if you're trash, I guess I'm even worse"_

Or something like that, anyway. He wasn't quite sure. But it felt stifling, that constant way in which he had to watch himself. Even innocent things were grounds for getting scared, because he never knew if Komaeda would realize. 

Hajime was tired of being scared. 

He didn't catch as Mikan entered another room with Komaeda. He stayed outside, staring at them through the glass pane in the door. They were talking, it seemed, their faces close together. Most likely whispering, as they often did to each other. Mikan was smiling as she hooked Komaeda up to the IV. 

Cold fear shot through Hajime again. What if she told him? 

He shook his head, dismissing the thought immediately. No, Mikan wouldn't do that. She promised, but even more than that, love was too important to her. She could never touch something like that. Hajime was angry at himself for even getting the thought. Didn't he trust his friends at all?

"A-Alright, this is it" Mikan spoke, smiling, "I hope it wasn't too unpleasant. Thank you" she smiled.

Old habits die hard, Hajime supposed. Mikan had a good bedside manner.

"Hinata-kun?" 

Komaeda was staring at him, expression curious. This was the look he usually had when Hajime was making a weird face. 

"Let's go back, then" the brown-haired boy shook himself out of it, "It's late. We should go to sleep"

Komaeda agreed, but before they could head out, Mikan stopped them.

"Um, K-Komaeda, do you...still have enough medication?" she questioned.

"Ah, not that I think about it..." he considered, "I believe I'm almost out. If it's not too much trouble, Hinata-kun, could we pick some up right now?"

"Of course" Hajime nodded, "Thanks for reminding us, Mikan"

She smiled, blushing a little, and trotted after them into the pharmacy. 

'Pharmacy' was what they called it, anyway. It was just a room on the ground floor of the hospital where they usually kept most of their medications. Anyone could come in and take anything at any time, provided they reported it to Mikan. Glass shelves and display cases lined the space inside, the smell of chemicals quite strong. 

"H-Here" Mikan rummaged around in one of the shelves and pulled out a small bottle, "S-Should last for another month"

Even though Hajime was the one who made the meds, she had a better grasp at organizing. He preferred to leave the hospital in her care, anyway. He was just here to make sure nobody died. 

"Thank you" Komaeda nodded, stashing the bottle into the pocket of his coat.

Hajime felt good about this. Komaeda had gotten his check-up done, and didn't even seem that uncomfortable. Everything went surprisingly well. Even his, admittedly a little awkward, conversation with Mikan wasn't all that bad. Hajime felt some comfort in the fact that someone other than him knew. Like he was carrying a little bit less of the burden all by himself. 

"Have a good night, M-" 

He couldn't finish his sentence, because the sound of rattling bottles and creaking wood made his senses go wild. 

Hajime turned around quicker than he could realize what he was actually doing. Seconds later, there was a crash, a feeling of dull pain on his back, and he was laying on the ground.

Komaeda laid under him, looking horrified.

"Are you okay?!" Hajime nearly shouted, staring at the other. 

"H-Hajime! O-Oh god-" Mikan sounded like she was trying to lift the display case off of his shoulders, with little effect.

"Komaeda, are you okay?" Hajime was looking all over the other's body, what he could see, anyway. 

"H-Hinata-kun..." Komaeda was staring at him, eyes wide.

Hajime cursed himself internally. This must have looked really scary. Gathering his strength, he lifted himself up, along with the display case. He huffed a little as he put it back into place. 

Everything was a mess. Some powders and what looked like a bottle of syrup fell out of the display case, shattering against the ground. 

"Sorry" he offered his hand to Komaeda, who took it after a moment of hesitation. 

The hand was shaking a little. 

"H-Hajime, are you-" Mikan jumped around him, clearly panicked.

"I'm fine" he lifted his hands up, smiling in what he hoped was a reassuring way, "I barely felt it. Are you two alright?"

Both Komaeda and Mikan nodded, eyeing him almost in sync. They didn't look convinced of his well being at all. 

"Thank god" Hajime let his breath out, "Ah, what a mess..."

"...your shirt" Komaeda spoke up.

Hajime stared at him, and then followed the other's gaze. Indeed, his left sleeve was entirely soaked in what looked like syrup. Unfortunately, he was wearing a light grey shirt, so it really showed. He would probably not be able to get this stain out.

"Oops. Guess this one goes into the trash" he shrugged, "I'm glad nothing bad happened. I'll clean this up"

Mikan started sputtering, trying to stop him, as he left the room to get the mop. She didn't cease as he came back, actually, she kept protesting the entire time he cleaned. Which, to be fair, wasn't very long. Ultimate Housekeeper and all. 

"Mikan, it's fine" he waved his hand at the girl, "Nothing happened"

She still didn't look convinced, but seemed to relent. She was probably tired, too. It was getting very late.

"A-Alright. But if y-you feel any p-pain, come here instantly!" she demanded. 

"Will do" Hajime smiled, "See you tomorrow at breakfast" 

She waved back at them as they left the hospital. She would probably stay up longer, it wasn't that unusual. Her sleep schedule was questionable, to say the least. 

Komaeda didn't speak at all the entire way back to the cottages. Normally, Hajime would be a little worried, but his head was still fuzzy. He was actually grateful for the silence. 

The idea of confessing to Komaeda kept swirling around in his brain. Really, why not?

Well, besides the obvious fact that if he was rejected he would feel horrible.

But that wasn't quite it. For one, he wasn't sure if Komaeda would reject him. They got along good, great, even, and the other clearly held Hajime in high regard, even if he sometimes pretended otherwise. None of that was indicative of attraction, of course, but still. Hajime thought he had a chance. He actually thought they had a chance together, as well, maybe. He felt comfortable around Komaeda, and that best for a relationship, right?

He didn't really know. He was trying to attack this from the wrong angle, he knew he was. He was trying to digest it the way he did everything else, with logic and long, theoretical debates with himself. But that wouldn't work here. 

_"H-Hajime, that's not...you don't have to know anything"_

He wanted to believe Mikan, he really did. But Hajime wasn't sure if he understood how to function without knowing everything, anymore. 

"Hinata-kun?"

As it had become customary in recent times, it was Komaeda's voice that finally snapped him out of his pondering.

Hajime realized he was standing in front of his own cottage.

"Oh, right" he shook his head, "Sorry, I got lost in thought. Again. Um, I think I need to change my shirt. You can wait at your place, I'll be right the-"

Komaeda grabbed his hand, suddenly, almost violently. He was looking him in the eyes again, now, a slight frown on his face. 

"...what is it?" Hajime questioned, trying to ignore how cold the other's hand still seemed. 

"Can I..." Komaeda bit his lip, somehow, it still wasn't bleeding, "...come in?"

Hajime lifted his brows. 

"What are you, a vampire?" he laughed a little, but the other didn't seem to let up his intense gaze, "Um, I mean, sure. Make yourself at home?"

He opened his cottage, Komaeda following behind him. Very closely behind him, actually. He was basically shadowing him. Hajime observed as the other took of his shoes and peeked into the room, clearly curious.

"I...don't have much here" Hajime admitted, suddenly feeling a little embarrassed about how simple his room was, "Just the necessities"

Basic room for a basic person, he supposed.

"It's very clean" Komaeda noted, moving a little like he was scared to be intruding on Hajime's space.

"You can just say empty" Hajime chuckled, "I keep most of my things in the workshop, so yeah. I basically just sleep here and don't do much else, anyway"

Looking at just his room, one might have thought Hajime was the clean type, even minimalistic. And that couldn't have been more wrong. He had just learned to keep his chaos contained, mostly in the workshop and the warehouse. His room was probably the only space he occupied that wasn't full of random things he deemed 'maybe useful'.

Komaeda walked in a little hesitantly, sitting down on the bed. He was so far on the edge of it, it looked like he might fall at any moment.

"I have to change. This stuff smells like valerian" Hajime made a displeased expression.

He threw the shirt away into the trash, not even bothering to try and get the stain out. Even if he did, he was pretty sure the smell would haunt his entire closet for the next month.

He felt Komaeda's eyes on him as he reached into his closet for a clean replacement. He decided to throw on a tank top, since he would probably be going to sleep soon, anyway. 

Seeing how Komaeda had taken a place on his bed, he was starting to get a bad feeling about this.

"Hinata-kun" before he could gather his thoughts, Komaeda called out to him. 

His voice was nervous, and so was his disposition. Hajime immediately crouched down next to him, gaze questioning.

"Something wrong?" he asked, trying to look for any signs of distress.

Surprisingly enough, Komaeda glared back at him. 

"You got hurt" the white-haired boy was frowning, "And your shirt got ruined. I..." he trailed off. 

Hajime searched his face. The other was clearly upset. 

Hajime realized Komaeda was scared something would happen to him. He was scared for Hajime. 

He knew it shouldn't make him happy, it wasn't a good thing at all. Komaeda had no reason to worry. But thinking that he did, it still made something simmer in Hajime. He felt bad about it, but he couldn't deny that it made him excited too, not really. God, he had it bad. 

Maybe he should confess. At this rate, it would become obvious to anyone with half a brain soon enough, anyway.

"Hey, look at me" Hajime sat on the bed next to Komaeda, grabbing his hand, "I'm okay. Everything is fine"

Komaeda gazed back at him, compliant, but he was still frowning.

"That's not true. You had a display case fall on you. If the glass broke, it would have hurt you. A lot" Komaeda pressed his lips into a thin line.

"But it didn't" Hajime countered, "And nothing bad happened. I'm strong, Komaeda, a lot stronger than an average person. I barely felt it"

"That doesn't matter!" Komaeda protested, but he still didn't let go of his hand, "It was still my bad luck. Things like that will just keep happening, you know. You'll get hurt even worse"

"You don't know that"

"I do!" 

Komaeda was centimeters away from his face now, his hand gripping Hajime's almost too strong. And he was pretty, even now, frowning, but Hajime needed to control his stupid brain. The other was clearly scared. 

"Are you forgetting who I am?"

And he didn't mean for his voice to come out as commanding as it did, but he couldn't stop it, either. All he thought about was, calm him down, make him feel safe, make him relax-

"H-Hinata-kun?" Komaeda's eyes widened.

"You should know better" Hajime pressed, "I'm not someone who would go down from something so stupid. Komaeda, you **should** know better. I'm hard to kill, I'm hard to even injure. It's one of the few good things about this body" he heard his voice take on a weird inflection again, "You know how difficult dying is when you're lucky. You learned it first hand"

Komaeda was listening to his words so intently, Hajime felt like he was a preacher in a church. 

"You're underestimating me. Just like you did before. Didn't that end bad enough for you once? How many times do we have to do this?" he didn't even realize he was advancing on the other, pushing him towards the bed's headboard, "I'm not going down, Komaeda. You used all the luck you had to try and end me, and it didn't do shit. I didn't even have my talents back then. Do you really think you could do anything to me now?"

He was bluffing, at least partially. He did genuinely believe he would be fine, Komaeda's luck didn't scare him, not anymore. But he was playing up his anger, almost theatrical offense. He wanted to get it through the other's skull.

"Y-You..." Komaeda licked his lips, "You can't know that"

"No" Hajime agreed, his voice hushed, "But I believe in myself. I believe in those stupid talents. Do you?"

One look at Komaeda confirmed he was already defeated. It was like seeing the moment a chess player realized he played himself into a corner, and the match was already predetermined from there. But just as before, he didn't look angry, or upset. There was nothing but a fascinated, almost blissful expression creeping onto his face. His mind was giving way, he was letting himself be taken over.

Hajime felt way too hot. This was bad, very bad. Every time they did this, it got worse. He had no clue how long he could keep it up.

"Whatever happens out there, as long as you're wearing that rope, you're my responsibility" he murmured. 

_You belong to me_ , that was a phrase that really, really made itself known on his tongue. He couldn't say it, even the thought mortified him, but oh god, he wanted to. 

It was horrible. He wanted to. It was weird. He wanted to. It was wrong. He really, really wanted to.

"H-Hinata-kun..." Komaeda looked a little like he was about to pass out. 

"I'm willing to jump into the water, or in front of a falling display case, or anywhere else, to keep my promise. You let me stay. That means I stay regardless of what happens" he could feel the other's metal fingers curling around his hand, mechanical whirring filling the room, "Unless you tell me to leave, you don't get to decide what I do"

Komaeda's eyes were half-closed now, his breathing uneven. Hajime hoped he was doing this right. He needed to do this right. 

"Y...Your...shirt" Komaeda's voice was even raspier than usual, "It...got ruined"

Hajime almost wanted to laugh. Komaeda had so clearly given up, he wasn't even trying anymore.

"I don't give a single fuck about the shirt" okay, wow, where did that come from, he wasn't usually this aggressive, "I have a lot of shirts. There's only one you. If I have to destroy a shirt so that you can get your check-up, I'll destroy them all. I'll burn every single piece of clothing I own before I let you get hurt"

What the fuck was he even saying. It felt like something was possessing him, his blood rushing, burning, his entire body tensed up. He knew he was saying ridiculous things, but he couldn't stop.

This sounded like a confession, right? It totally did. It was so close. Oh god, it was so close.

"Y-You would have to...walk around naked..." Komaeda's gaze was unfocused, his eyes drifting from Hajime's eyes to his lower body. 

"Shut it" 

Hajime reached his hand to the other's back, tugging at the rope. He used his other hand to unbutton Komaeda's shirt, not that long ago his own shirt. The entire time the white-haired boy was just staring at him, eyes following his every move.

Hajime moved them both a little farther away from the headboard so that he could take Komaeda's shirt off completely. The rope was still there, obviously, and somehow, it made Hajime feel even more on edge than before. Maybe it was because they were sitting on **his damn bed.**

Komaeda didn't make a sound as Hajime started to untie the rope. His dull eyes seemed shiny, now, almost like glass. Every time Hajime realized they were staring at him, he felt a jolt of nervousness pulse through him. 

This was the worst. This was amazing. He needed to stop. He wanted to keep going. 

_No, you absolute idiot._

"There we go" he lifted the rope up over Komaeda's head, bundling it up.

The other didn't move, sitting in a slightly dazed state. Hajime almost automatically threw the rope under his bed, where he knew all the rest of it was. Komaeda's eyes followed his every move.

"How are you feeling?" 

This was a weird question to ask, maybe, but Hajime felt like there wasn't a better one. And he needed to talk. Because if he didn't he risked doing something he would definitely regret in the morning. 

"I'm...okay" Komaeda smiled a little, "Thank you, Hinata-kun"

Good. Great. This was fine. Normal.

"I'm glad. Then, um. Do you want me to go with you back to your cottage? I just need to grab a coat-" he tried to get up, but suddenly, a pair of arms tightened around his waist. 

There was silence for a moment, as Hajime could feel Komaeda's hair tickling his back.

"Can I...stay?" 

Hajime tensed up. It was a simple question, and really, he had no grounds to say no. Komaeda was basically offering to spend a night outside of his cage for the first time in weeks. It was remarkable. But Hajime's mind was screaming at him to say no, that this was bad, dangerous, risky. 

Could he really handle another night sleeping next to Komaeda, in his own bed, no less?

Well, it didn't matter if he could. It wasn't like he was about to decline. Not when the other was holding onto him, not when he'd just admitted moments ago he was scared Hajime would get hurt. Not when he looked at him like _that._

God, Hajime really had gone soft.

"Alright" he gently pried Komaeda's hands off of his waist, "You would probably ask me to stay with you anyway, and I don't want to spend another night in that damn cage unless we get you a new mattress. So fine"

It was a bad excuse, but Komaeda would be happy with anything, probably. He smiled at Hajime, letting his body fall back on the bed. He looked exhausted, again. 

Hajime slipped away into the bathroom, too tired to take a shower. He merely washed his teeth and stared at himself in the mirror, trying to get his brain working. But it was late again, and he had been thinking too much again, and he was about to spend an entire night next to Komaeda. Again. 

He didn't even register when he'd turned off the lights, when he'd gotten out of his pants, when he'd thrown himself onto the bed and listened to Komaeda murmur something. 

He would worry about it in the morning. About his feelings, his confession, his fear. Right now, he didn't have to worry about anything. 

He didn't stop the other as he wrapped his hands around him, this time. He couldn't fight it anymore. He didn't even want to. 

He was hopelessly, completely, utterly infatuated. And he was tired of pretending otherwise. 

Tomorrow, he thought. Tomorrow, he was going to tell Komaeda how he felt.

Tomorrow...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's 6 am right now where i live,,,i haven't slept the entire night writing this  
> please excuse any typos im literally falling asleep in my chair shshshs
> 
> just imagine hajime in the kitchen, carefully cutting an apple bunny for komaeda and putting it in the bowl as a surprise...
> 
> also if you wanted to ask if komaeda fell asleep after the last chapter while hugging hajime's shirt...i mean he might have :) he might have :))  
> (he definitely did)
> 
> komaeda's secret, hidden loved gift, HAJIME'S SHIRT
> 
> as u could probably guess from this last moment,,,next chapter should be where some interesting thing happen shhss :)
> 
> EDIT: I JUST WOKE UP AND REALIZED I FORGOT TO CHECK HOW LONG THIS WAS BEFORE I POSTED IT  
> ITS A WHOOPING 15,599 WORDS WHAT THE FUCK  
> i am so sorry, i have no clue what happened here  
> i should NOT be writing instead of sleeping, this is what that ends up doing  
> (the next chapter is still gonna be long-ish probably because of plot reasons but ill try not to go overboard like with this one!!! shshshs)


	12. Third time's the charm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hajime wants to confess his feelings, but it turns out to be more difficult than he thought.

It felt somewhat familiar, this time.

The warmth was less overwhelming, less boiling. It didn't creep into his body in the same way, it felt more like it was enveloping him, instead. He moved freely inside his own bubble, his limbs light and nimble. The smell, too, was familiar. Hajime wasn't sure what it was, anymore. Something like-

An incredibly loud noise broke his illusion. And this one, this one was definitely familiar.

"Shit-" Hajime sat up on the bed, almost violently, "Dammit-"

His eyes barely open, he scrambled to try and feel out the source of the horrible sound with his hand. It finally landed on the minimaru clock on the bedside table, and he slammed his fist into it. 

Silence, at last.

"Hinata-kun...?"

And just like that, his peace was over. Actually, it never even began. 

"...good morning" Hajime grumbled, running his hand over his face.

He looked over to see Komaeda laying on the bed beside him. He was still shirtless, and somehow fell asleep in his jeans. How in the world wasn't that uncomfortable, Hajime didn't know. Those looked really tight.  
Komaeda's hands were thrown above his head, he was positioned in a weird angle, awake, but barely. His eyes darted to the minimaru clock.

"I forgot...how loud these were-" his words were interrupted by a yawn.

The white-haired boy attempted to rub the sleepiness out of his eyes, but gave up fairly quickly. He looked out of it, clearly unused to being woken up at eight in the morning. Considering the fact that Hajime had seen him fall asleep in the middle of the day plenty of times, it seemed Komaeda's sleep schedule was just generally messed up. 

Then again, Hajime wasn't feeling much better himself. Probably because they both went to bed way too late. Again. 

"Go back to sleep" Hajime pushed Komaeda down a little with his palm when the other attempted to get up, "It's fine"

There was a moment of hesitation in Komaeda's eyes, but it seemed sleepiness won over any other doubts he might have had pretty quickly. He nuzzled himself back into the pillows, smiling at Hajime. 

Hajime loved this, and he also really, really hated it. Because if someone had seen them like this without knowing, they would have surely assumed the two of them were lovers, waking up together on a peaceful day. This seemed so horribly domestic, so comfortable. And it was all a lie, one that Hajime created himself by allowing Komaeda to indulge in his need for physical contact. 

Not that he wasn't indulging himself just as much at that point. But it was a double-edged sword, a sweet dream that became painful once you realized it was just that - a dream.

"Ah, Hinata-kun is letting me stay...?" Komaeda murmured, barely audible, "How lucky..."

He was out in seconds, and Hajime was grateful. Because now he could get to the bathroom, and not stare at the sleeping boy. 

He stared before he got up, just a little bit. 

Last night, he was horribly exhausted, which had been a common theme lately. It was strange, almost, because his body was, well, as ultimate as the rest of him. A fact he was being reminded of even now, staring at his undressed form in the bathroom mirror. It was weird, the first time he'd met his own gaze in a reflection like this. He was shocked, but his mind couldn't decide why. Was his hair too light, or too dark? Was it too long, or too short? His right eye seemed sometimes just as foreign as his left one. Were the muscles on his body always there? Were they in the right places, at all? Was his skin even his own?

It got better, after a while, but the feeling still occasionally caught up to him. His skin being sunkissed, freckles dusting his shoulders, that helped, a little. He didn't like when his face was too pale, it reminded him of spending days in a dark room, never leaving.

Then again, once he did leave, he made everything worse. Maybe if he stayed, nothing would have happened.

He shook his head, jumping into the shower. He really needed to stop getting lost in thought like that. His brain had way too much potential, now, and it seemed always restless. Maybe he should start doing sudoku in his head or something. Burn the energy. 

He tried for about a minute, but it didn't work at all. Sudoku was boring. So was solitaire. And counting sheep. What he wanted to think about, was last night. He gave up as he washed his hair, almost angrily. 

His confrontation with Mikan, in hindsight, had been an event he could have definitely predicted, was he actually paying attention to anything except Komaeda. Of course Mikan, of all people, would notice. It wasn't like it completely didn't cross his mind, but he sort of just brushed it off. That maybe she'd suspect something, but wouldn't say anything. As if. 

And with that brilliant stroke of genius, he'd backed himself into a corner. Mikan forced him to confront the fact he couldn't just stay in this sweet dream forever. He couldn't just keep disappearing inside Komaeda's cottage, inside a small world that belonged only to them, where he got to decide what things were left unspoken. Where he could play with rope, and tease the other, and brush his hair, and stare at him, and pretend like there wasn't anything wrong with it at all. 

Pretend like he didn't feel anything he wasn't supposed to.

If he kept doing this, he would eventually make a mistake. He would slip up, he already almost did, in his exhausted, confused state last night. Komaeda was smart. He would realize eventually, and Hajime didn't want that. Because if Komaeda realized on his own, he could do something...stupid. 

Hajime knew how Komaeda felt regarding people caring about him. They trusted each other, now, but this was a whole another world. He didn't want Komaeda to be left alone with this, free to make up stories in his head about the nature of Hajime's feelings. Hajime wanted to tell him in person, he wanted to let him know exactly how he felt. 

In his exhausted state last night, he declared to himself he would confess 'tomorrow'.

Well, tomorrow was today, and his stomach was twisting just thinking about it.

Hajime Hinata, the Ultimate Hope, the one who defeated AI Junko, the genius, the talented, who saved his friends and lead them to establish a working community on a deserted island - was standing on the cold tiles of his bathroom, water dripping from his hair, feeling like he wanted to crawl into a hole because he had a crush. 

He had three chances to confess if he was counting right. In the morning, at lunchtime, and in the evening. These were the times he usually went to see Komaeda. Technically, he could just go see him off-schedule, he had done that before. But he felt like if he allowed himself that, he might not confess at all. He needed the pressure of time, he drilled it into his skull, that he needed to do this _today_. 

There was a nagging feeling that wouldn't leave him alone. The things Mikan said. The things Sonia said. The things he had said to himself, things he understood better than anyone. 

_You never know when you might run out of time._

He needed to do it today, he wanted to do it today. 

He would not let history repeat again. He would not make the same mistake twice. He needed to let him know, he needed to say everything he wanted to, because if he waited too long, it could be too late. 

He would never be too late again.

"You can do this" he felt stupid, talking to himself in the mirror, a towel draped over his head, "You have to do this. Come on, Hajime. You're a man, aren't you?" 

It wasn't helping much, but he supposed he tried, at least. In his nervous state, he thought, maybe he should just rip it off like a bandaid. Just come up and say it, as loud as possible. Whatever Komaeda's answer would be, at least it'd all be over as quickly as possible. 

Yeah. Just go and say it. Straight up.

He basically ran out of the bathroom, already opening his mouth.

"Ko-" he stopped, his eyes falling on the bed. 

Ah. Right. Komaeda was completely asleep. He had turned over on his stomach, one hand dangling from the bed a little. Out cold. 

Hajime considered waking him up, maybe, after all, this was important. But the moment was gone, his bravery escaping him like air from a deflated balloon. Besides, now that he was thinking more clearly again, this was not the right situation at all. Komaeda was shirtless and sleeping, actually, Hajime himself ran out of the bathroom without putting anything on.

Stupid. What the hell was he doing, even? He couldn't confess to someone wearing nothing but a towel and bathroom slippers. 

Groaning, he gave up, rummaging in his drawers for clothes. This didn't count. This was just a test round. He had to go get breakfast, and he'd bring some back for Komaeda, and then he could confess. He still had three chances, yes. 

He almost headed out, but at the last moment, looked over to the sleeping boy again. Standing above him, Hajime was once again struck by how fragile Komaeda looked. Without his bulky coat, he seemed so small, so unobtrusive. The protective feeling swirling inside of him was screaming to abandon all ideas of food, to lay down next to Komaeda, to wrap his arms around him and let the warmth envelop them again. To stay in their bubble, to continue lying, pretending like nothing had to change. 

Hajime shook his head. Grabbing a piece of paper, he scribbled a short note, just in case.

_Hey,  
Went out to get breakfast. Will be back. Feel free to use the shower._

_Hajime._

He closed the door to his cottage as quietly as possible, Komaeda sound asleep on his bed. 

Breakfast didn't taste good, which was worrying, considering it was made by Teruteru. Hajime felt like he was sick but quickly remembered that was nearly impossible. His body was resilient, way too resilient for something like indigestion. It was nerves, probably. He couldn't even listen to whatever everyone was talking about, too busy moving croissant crumbs from one side of his plate to the other. 

"Yo, Hajime!"

Akane's voice made him look up from torturing the remains of his breakfast. 

"You're lookin' strange" she questioned, towering above him, "There somethin' wrong?"

Yes, he probably was looking strange, staring at the food as if it was going to make all his problems go away.

"I'm fine" he dismissed, "Sorry. Did you need something?"

"Me, Nekomaru, and Peko are goin' to have another race" she grinned, "Wanna join? We're getting pictures, ya know?"

Mahiru, standing next to her, rolled her eyes. She was clearly roped into this. 

"Race pictures?" Hajime questioned, "Won't they just all end up being blurry?"

"Not if I know what I'm doing" the redhead actually spoke now, "You should be aware, seeing as yours come out great every time-"

"Whatever, ya joinin' or not?" Akane cut in, "Not that it matters, cause I'm gonna win anyway!"

She never did, no one could win against Hajime, but she sure tried. In fact, losing seemed to only make her more determined.

"Sorry, I don't think I'm up for it today" Hajime shook his head, "I didn't sleep that well"

Not that it would matter, he could still outrun all of them easily. But it was a nice excuse.

"Besides, I have to bring food to Komaeda" he added, kind of as an afterthought.

"Huh? That shit-stirrer still not feelin' well? Damn" Akane lifted her eyebrows, "Maybe I should go and punch him? That gotta get him outta bed!" she positioned herself threateningly.

"No, I don't think that's necessary" Hajime lifted his hands, "He's doing okay. Just not feeling up to walking around quite yet"

"We really haven't seen him for a while..." Mahiru considered, "He must have gotten quite sick"

She sent Hajime a certain look, and he tried to smile reassuringly. She realized he'd lied about Komaeda's condition to everyone else, but she seemed to value keeping his privacy more than exposing Hajime. That didn't mean she approved though, quite understandably. 

"Well, whatever" Akane shrugged, "I guess we just gonna race on our own this time. But Hajime, you gotta at least do the martial arts tournament with us"

'Martial arts tournament' was basically just a codename for Akane fighting everyone who would volunteer one after the other, usually ending in someone passing out. It was tradition for any important events at this point, although Hajime wished it wasn't.

"You guys go on ahead" Peko, who had been standing silently until then, spoke up, "I had something I wanted to talk with Hajime about"

"Sure thing. Just don't take long, or imma beat the shit outta ya!" Akane's voice boomed as she left, Mahiru rolling her eyes, but following behind. 

The restaurant became silent, Hajime feeling Peko's eyes on himself. 

"What is it? Something wrong?" Hajime questioned, although he already had a sneaking suspicion where this was going.

"You're not feeling well"

It was a statement, not a question. Hajime sighed.

"I guess" he relented, awkwardly, "Is it that obvious?"

"Yes" Peko was blunt, "You look extremely troubled. Hajime, what's happening?"

And she sounded so serious, she usually did, but it was clear she was worried. 

"It's nothing, I swear" he sighed. 

She was not convinced in the slightest. Piercing red eyes followed Hajime's every movement, making him feel suffocated. 

"You're thinking about something" she insisted. 

Did he ever.

"Yes" he admitted, "Okay, listen. It's...can I ask you a question?"

"Of course" she sat down on a chair next to him, "I will try to answer to the best of my ability"

Hajime inhaled nervously. He might as well. It couldn't hurt getting some insight. 

"How..." he stumbled, trying to phrase it, "How would you go about telling someone...like, how you feel?"

"How I feel?"

"About them. Like. Expressing feelings?" Hajime fidgeted. 

Peko looked a little caught off guard.

"I have to admit, this is not a topic I am particularly well versed in. As I have stated before, this sort of...fluffiness isn't something I'm familiar with" she frowned a little, "However, I suppose I have...some experience. Hm..."

She rested her chin on her hand, 

"I believe the most important part is to be...authentic" she nodded, "Yes. You must always make sure you have integrity. A true warrior should never speak if they do not mean every word. There is no point in an insincere, thoughtless declaration" she seemed to be searching for words, "As long as you are sure of your own sentiments, you should have no problem speaking of them. You need to understand your purpose and convey it clearly. There is no room for misunderstanding on the battlefield" 

She spoke with confidence, and although Hajime realized she was clearly thinking of a different type of confession than he was, it still made him feel a bit calmer. 

Authentic, huh? He wasn't sure if he was good at that, anymore. Once, he would have said being honest was maybe his one redeeming feature. But nowadays, it didn't seem to apply anymore. He didn't like deceiving people on purpose, but he also had trouble declaring everything openly. Maybe because often, he wasn't sure himself what he actually thought. 

"I...I think I understand" he nodded, "Thank you, Peko. That was very insightful" 

Peko had the smallest smile on her face. She was getting better at that. Smiling.

"But I have to say, I am somewhat surprised" she considered, "That was an unexpected question, coming from you, Hajime. Did something happen?" 

Hajime winced a little. Everything happened. Everything. 

"Not really" he lied, "I was just thinking, well. I'm sometimes worried I still have trouble communicating with others"

"You and me both" Peko murmured, "Although I don't truly agree with you. Your ability to calm people down, to...make them realize things. It's truly extraordinary. It always has been. I think you are a gifted speaker" 

Hajime felt himself get just a little embarrassed. He had been told that before. It felt nice. Being the sort of person others could rely on.

It almost seemed like maybe this was what he had wanted all along.

"Your actions made me remember what it means to have this warmth, this calmness. I'm sure whatever sentiments you want to express, if you are honest, it will all turn out alright" she nodded, getting up.

"Thank you. Really" 

Talking with Peko was relaxing, usually. Her steadiness made Hajime feel a little bit less lost. 

"I'll see you later. Good luck" 

Alright, Hajime thought. This conversation fired him up, he felt ready. Just be honest. Be authentic. He kept repeating it as he filled a tray with breakfast. He just had to go and say it. He would let Komaeda eat, and then, he would say it.

Attempt number one.

"You awake?"

Hajime sneaked into the cottage, just in case he wasn't. But his worries were baseless.

"Ah! Hinata-kun. Welcome back!" 

Komaeda was laying on his stomach on the bed, awake, smiling at the other. He had put on Hajime's shirt again, except he didn't seem to bother buttoning it up. It hung loosely on him, and wow, that was...something.

And that greeting. This was almost comically domestic. Hajime could feel his resolve weakening. But he needed to persist.

"I brought breakfast" Hajime came closer, placing the tray on the nightstand, "Did you sleep well?"

He noticed the note was gone. Komaeda must have taken it. 

"Very" the other smiled, lifting himself back up, "Your bed is really comfortable"

"Compared to that mattress you have, I don't doubt it" Hajime rolled his eyes, "We need to-"

He trailed off when he realized Komaeda had closed a book, placing it on the bed. He must have been reading. 

Wait. 

A book?

But Hajime didn't have any...

_Oh. Oh no._

"Komaeda..." Hajime stared at the object as if he could make it disappear with just his gaze, "Is this...?"

The white-haired boy stopped sipping his coffee to look where Hajime was pointing. 

"Ah, yes" he smiled, completely innocently, "I was a little bored, since you don't have much stuff here, but I found this under the bed"

"Why were you looking there?!" Hajime exclaimed, panic starting to take form in his chest.

"I told you, I was bored" Komaeda didn't seem to understand Hajime's nervousness, "Besides, you look through my stuff all the time. Doesn't seem fair to-"

"Did you read it?" Hajime interjected, staring at the book with nothing but hatred in his eyes. 

"Of course" Komaeda nodded, "I mean, what else was I supposed to do?" he drank more coffee, "I was worried it would be boring, just some sort of a textbook or something. But it was actually very interesting! Maybe I should borrow it from you-"

Hajime snatched the book so quickly it was almost supersonic. He debated just chucking it out the window but resisted. He couldn't fix what already happened, anyway. 

"Shit. I, listen..." he tried to desperately find words to explain himself, "I swear I wasn't like...I didn't mean to-"

"But I was surprised" Komaeda laughed a little, "I had no idea Hinata-kun was into things like that. Well, I suppose I should have figured it out by now..." he rested his chin on his hand, "I assumed it was just talent, but here you were, learning all of this. I did wonder where the rope thing came from. What a surprise!" he lifted his hands up, light laughter ringing in Hajime's ears.

This was the worst. Literally the worst. Hajime wanted to chuck _himself_ out the window, now. Why did he leave the book lying around? Why didn't he consider this? Of course Komaeda would find it. Even ignoring his luck, the white-haired boy basically devoured books. Reading was the only activity he seemed to regularly partake in besides sleeping, and if there were any books he hadn't read yet laying around, he could sniff them out like he was trained to do it. Hajime felt like a fool. 

"God, please...just don't..." Hajime sighed, trying to retain what little he had left of his dignity, "I'm sorry, I wasn't. I wasn't trying to, like..."

"I wonder what everyone else would think of this..." Komaeda tapped his chin, "Hinata-kun seems so respectable and normal. Ah, this is totally shocking, no? Having a hobby like that. It's unsurprising you would want to try it out on me. Someone as worthless as I am is the perfect candidate" he laughed again, "But I had no idea Hinata-kun wanted something like this from me. That is fitting of you, quite shameless. You should have told me! I would be glad to let you do whatever you wanted-"

"No, I really didn't mean it like that!" Hajime was panicking at this point, "I swear! I just found this book by accident, and I thought this could help you relax a little. I wasn't trying to-"

He wasn't being _entirely_ truthful, since realizing his crush, he'd definitely enjoyed their weird theatrics for reasons that weren't entirely pure. But he never meant to deceive Komaeda in any way. This was horrible. 

"I know" 

Hajime was silent as Komaeda laughed again. 

Oh. 

He was making fun of him. Of course he was.

"You should have seen your face, Hinata-kun" he taunted, "You looked like you were about to pass out. Ah, this is so funny" 

Hajime's face was completely red, he could feel it. Goddammit. He thought he was smart enough at this point not to let himself be dragged along by Komaeda's teasing. 

"Hinata-kun, did you really think I would assume something like that about you?" Komaeda lifted an eyebrow, "I could never. You were just trying to make me feel better, right? You are way too kind to do things like these"

And Hajime tensed up, because there was _something_ there, at the end of that sentence. Komaeda sent him a look, still smiling, and it seemed innocent, but his eyes were a bit too intense. It almost seemed like he was trying to bait Hajime. Like he was throwing out a challenge.

Hajime couldn't think about it. Because if he did, he would go from red to crimson. He was already feeling like the tropical heat was making his skin melt off. It was suffocating. 

"You almost gave me a heart attack" he said instead, feigning annoyance in place of embarrassment.

"Did I? Sorry, sorry..." Komaeda didn't look sorry in the slightest, "Ah, but it was really entertaining. Hinata-kun is easily flustered..."

Pot, kettle, really. Not that he wasn't correct, but still.

"But you know..." Komaeda smirked a little, "I did mean it"

"Mean what?" Hajime asked, still feeling a bit too on edge.

"You can try whatever you want on me" the other smiled, "I really don't mind at all. If Hinata-kun is curious about something, I would love to help! I know it might not feel good, to receive an offer like that from someone like me, but..." 

And it didn't feel sincere at all, this time. He was spouting his usual mantra, but it was different, somehow. 

Like he was actually being serious.

"No, I-" Hajime wanted to scream, "It's...alright. I don't want any of that"

He was lying, he was lying so hard. Regardless of whether his interest started off as purely professional, it definitely wasn't, anymore. The deepest, most primal part of his brain wanted nothing more than to pin Komaeda down and 'try whatever he wanted'.

That's exactly why he had to pretend otherwise. 

"Ah, of course not" Komaeda laughed again, "I shouldn't dare to suggest it. Hinata-kun wouldn't want to do something like that with trash such as myself..."

And it sounded almost...sad?

No, Hajime was projecting. He needed to control himself. He had no idea what Komaeda actually felt towards him, with all the teasing and the inappropriate offers. He didn't want to let it give him hope. Komaeda wasn't a simple person.

Was he?

"Your breakfast is going to get cold" Hajime derailed the conversation, because he felt like there was nothing else he could do, "Stop spouting nonsense and eat"

Komaeda looked over to the tray, surprised, as if he had forgotten the food was there at all. But he grabbed a piece of toast and his coffee gingerly.

His cold coffee. It was definitely cold now. And he drank it all down in basically one go. 

"That's horrible" Hajime was truly disgusted, "What the hell is wrong with you"

Komaeda didn't answer, but there was a ghost of a smirk on his lips. Hajime sighed, sitting down next to him on the bed. 

He had to give up. That stupid book ruined everything, he thought, eyeing it with disdain. There was no way he could confess to Komaeda after _that_ conversation. He was still flushed, his brain scrambled, and Komaeda's shirt was **still** unbuttoned. The atmosphere was all wrong, now. 

This was fine, he reasoned. It was just the first attempt. He still had two more. Nothing ever came out right after just the first try, right?

Right. He would just have to confess later. Lunchtime seemed good. He actually didn't have much to do after lunch that day, so he could stay a little longer. Maybe he should bring something for them to do. It would be relaxing and all. 

"Hinata-kun?" Komaeda looked at him, toast crumbs on his cheek. 

"Do you ever eat without making a mess?" Hajime grumbled, wiping them away with the back of his hand. 

Lunchtime, he thought. Lunchtime. 

"Are you sure it was the green wire?" Hajime looked up from the very hastily scribbled instructions.

"What?"

Kazuichi, who has had his upper half stuck in the robot they were fixing for the past twenty minutes, came back out.

"...nevermind" Hajime sighed, coming closer, "How is that looking?"

"You tell me" Kazuichi shrugged, "Everything is set good as far as I can tell. Man, this is a bummer. Why isn't it working?"

He kicked the robot lightly, scoffing at it.

"It's not the programming" Hajime was sure of that, "Let me take a look"

He dove inside the robot, scrunching his nose at the oil smell. Kazuichi was right, everything seemed to be in order. Yet, the machine kept malfunctioning. Hajime looked around, moving the cables out of his face.

Ah.

He reached his hand and pulled, backing out of the metal contraption with a triumphant look on his face.

"Found the culprit" he showed his hand to Kazuichi.

"Bubblegum?" the other's eyes widened as he stared, "What the hell?"

"It was stuck in a weird place. No wonder you didn't notice. I wouldn't either if it weren't for my eyes" Hajime mused, "Who could have...?"

"Hiyoko" Kazuichi narrowed his eyes, "Damn it! I shouldn't have left the robot laying around outside the workshop for maintenance"

"Well, I don't want to accuse anyone with no proof, but..." Hajime laughed a little, "This does look like the brand she likes"

"You can tell?" Kazuichi asked, curious.

"Uh, yeah" Hajime threw the gum away into a nearby trashcan, mildly disgusted, "She smells of that stuff"

"Man, your senses really are out of this world" Kazuichi looked impressed, "Hey, what do I smell like?"

"Uh, that's..." Hajime sighed a little, "That's a very weird question to ask, but if you need to know, body spray. Mixed with motor oil"

If he were to be honest, way too much body spray. 

"Hell yeah! I need to be presentable for Miss Sonia!" the other crossed his arms, nodding. 

"I really don't think she cares" Hajime murmured, mostly to himself, as Kazuichi was already busy screwing the metal lid back on the robot. 

The workshop, which was where they currently were, was transformed out of one of the many old military buildings. The base was the most convenient place for it, since that was where Kazuichi got most of his scrap materials from. They did have to make frequent trips to electronic avenue, and moving stuff between islands was troublesome occasionally, but it was still the best solution.

Hajime spent a lot of time in the workshop, which at this point, looked more like a university campus or something. It took work, returning the old buildings to a usable state (which mostly meant removing greenery - tropical plants left to grow for a while were no joke). They now had a main building, which also had an underground lab, used mostly for robotics and heavy machinery, and a couple of smaller facilities. Hajime especially liked the woodworking shed, where he was used to spending long hours. 

"Hey, Kazuichi?" 

Hajime's voice sounded a bit too small for his own liking. 

"Yeah, bro?" Kazuichi didn't look away from his work, but nodded to signal he was listening. 

This was probably one of the dumbest ideas he's had recently. And he's had a lot of them. But he was already down to only two chances, and hey, Kazuichi at least had some experience. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. 

It would definitely be bad. Hajime had to will his face into submission not to grimace. 

"I was wondering" he started, "Um. You...have no issues talking about how you feel, right?"

This was already going straight into hell. Just a few days ago, Hajime swore he never wanted to talk about something like that with Kazuichi, like, ever. And yet there he was.

"What do you mean?" the other questioned, fighting with a stubborn screw.

"I mean, like. You are always so open with how you like Sonia and stuff" Hajime winced at his own phrasing.

"Of course!" Kazuichi grinned, "I mean, Miss Sonia is just amazing. She deserves only the most reverent praise!" as if to illustrate his point, he lifted his hands up enthusiastically. 

"Right" Hajime smiled a little, against his own will, "But I was wondering...how do you not get embarrassed? Just saying stuff like that out loud?"

"Embarrassed?" Kazuichi seemed to think for a moment, "Hajime, dude, you can't get embarrassed about stuff like that. Girls dig confidence, you know?" 

"Do they now?" Hajime lifted a brow, voice just a tiny bit sarcastic.

"Hell yeah! You need to show them you're a real man!" the other was doing dramatic poses, "Real men say what they think, straight up! If you're hesitating, then it just sounds dishonest!" 

Technically, Hajime knew that. But he also felt like there was a big difference between knowing and actually having the guts to go through with it. 

"But what brought this on?" Kazuichi came closer, suddenly, abandoning his work, "Bro, everything alright?"

Hajime looked away, and that was a big mistake. When he turned his head back, Kazuichi had a knowing grin on his face.

"Eh? N-No way!" the mechanic exclaimed, clearly excited, "Hajime, do you like someone? Are you going to try your luck with a girl? Aaah, who is she?" he stopped, suddenly, frowning, "Wait. It's not Miss Sonia, i-is it? You wouldn't betray me like that, would you?! Would you?!" he fisted his hands into his hair, clearly starting to freak out. 

"No!" Hajime protested immediately because no matter how much he cared for Sonia, the two of them were definitely just friends. 

And also, hell, was he really that obvious? Could just anyone tell? If even Kazuichi got it so quickly, then there was no way he was fooling anyone else.

"Thank god" Kazuichi seemed to calm down, "Cause if you did, shit, I don't know what I would do. I would have to fight you, and I'd definitely lose" 

"We don't have to fight" Hajime shook his head at his friend's usual antics.

"But then, who is it?" Kazuichi questioned. 

"No one!" Hajime lied, "I don't like anyone. I was just..." he purposefully made his voice a bit awkward, "Thinking? About how I'm really inexperienced at stuff like that. It just feels very weird, you know? If I ever wanted to make a move at someone, I wouldn't even know where to start"

"Inexperienced? No way!" Kazuichi seemed genuinely surprised, "Hajime, are you serious? I thought you were totally a casanova by now!"

 _Just what kind of a person do you think I am,_ Hajime thought, narrowing his eyes at the other.

He was grateful Kazuichi seemed to have bought his bullshit, though. Thank god for the acting skills.

"Aw, man, no way. This is so unexpected" the other laughed, "And you want advice from me? Well, if you're asking, then I guess I can share some of my secrets..."

No, advice was not what Hajime wanted, not really. Definitely not from Kazuichi, of all people. He mostly just wanted to talk to _someone_ about it, anyone. It was the only thing on his mind, and he was desperate to have more reassurance. 

"The most important thing is you gotta look presentable. Hmm, yes..." Kazuichi seemed to be putting a comical amount of thought into this, scanning Hajime with his eyes from head to toe, "I think you have that part covered. Although I'm not sure about this shirt, man"

Hajime looked over as to where he'd left his button-up, hanging on a chair. It was light green, patterned with small oranges.

"What's wrong with it?" he frowned. 

"N-Nothing!" Kazuichi lifted his hands up, "Just, um, not really a very suave kind of outfit?"

 _Brave words for a guy who owns like twenty different shades of coveralls,_ Hajime thought. 

"If you're looking to make an impression, I say go without a shirt at all!" Kazuichi grinned, "Trust me! That's the best strategy"

This was exactly why Kazuichi was not the right person to ask. He would have probably approved of Hajime's earlier towel-and-flip-flops ensemble. 

"I guess you should also know some good lines. You can't pick up a girl just by staring at her, you know?" Kazuichi considered, "Oh, I have this book I could borrow you. It's called '101 greatest strategies for successful romance-"

Hajime was just about ready to throw himself back in the robot and close the hatch, but a sudden, loud pounding on the workshop's door ended his suffering prematurely.

"Uh? It's open!" he shouted.

"Hey, you bastards, you done in there?" Fuyuhiko's head appeared in the doorway, "Food is waiting. It has been waiting for a while. Teru got so angry he slipped into his accent again, and now we can't tell what he's saying. Come eat before he tries to cook someone in the soup!"

"Shit, I c-completely forgot about time!" Kazuichi immediately got jittery, "Come on Hajime, we're gonna miss the food! Come on!"

"Coming" Hajime chuckled a little.

He hesitated a little before putting his shirt back on. The oranges stared at him from the surface of the garment. Maybe he would change later. Couldn't hurt. 

Later. Right. He would eat lunch, and then...

Attempt number two.

"Komaeda" 

Hajime called out to get the other's attention. A head of white hair snapped back up from staring at the board, gaze questioning.

"That's a mate" Hajime pointed at the board, "There's no point in making any more moves"

"Eh? Already?" Komaeda lifted his eyebrows, "How?"

"Look, you're open right here" Hajime poked Komaeda's knight, "If I move my bishop right now, you can't stop me, I will have you in another move"

Komaeda narrowed his eyes at the board.

"Ah...you're right" he realized, "Looks like Hinata-kun won again"

"Of course I did" Hajime laughed awkwardly, "I told you"

Ultimate Chess Master was a very specific, but highly advanced talent.

"Good job, Hinata-kun" Komaeda smiled at him, "I must have been losing for a while, actually, right?"

"Well, yes, if we were going by formal etiquette, you should have resigned about five moves ago" Hajime explained, "But I thought we should play to the end so you could see where you made a mistake"

"I'm afraid I didn't take much away from it" Komaeda shrugged apologetically, "I really am no good"

"That's not true" Hajime protested, "You're doing pretty well for someone who hasn't played in a while. You just need more experience"

Hajime had brought a chessboard this time, along with food, since Komaeda mentioned before he actually knew how to play. Apparently, his father was a fan of competitive chess and taught him the basics so they could play together. Even though Komaeda was little back then, he was apparently a bright child, enough to pose a challenge sometimes. It wasn't hard to believe. 

Komaeda never mentioned his family much, for obvious reasons, so Hajime latched onto every detail he could get.

"Hmm, well, I still want to beat Hinata-kun eventually" Komaeda nodded, "So I'm going to keep practicing, I guess..."

Hajime didn't have the heart to tell the other winning against him was basically impossible. If Komaeda wanted to try, he had no right to stop him. Besides, playing with him was fun. Hajime never enjoyed games much before, considering how easy it was for him to win. But Komaeda didn't seem disheartened by losing at all, and besides, when the other was pondering his moves, Hajime got to stare at him.  
He always fiddled with his hair whenever he was deep in thought. Or, sometimes, he would be touching his bottom lip constantly, clearly a nervous habit, just like the biting. Komaeda had a different look to him when he wasn't paying attention to Hajime. Pensive, but also more natural. It was fascinating. 

"Hinata-kun?" 

And Hajime would get lost in observing so much he would forget what they were doing in the first place.

"Uh, sorry" he shook his head, "Were you saying something?"

Komaeda sent him a smile that was just shy of a smirk. Hajime pretended like it didn't bother him. 

"Not particularly" the other got up from the floor, just to throw himself on the bed.

He stretched across it like a cat, yawning. God, Komaeda sure got comfortable in his cottage real fast. Last night he acted like touching something would make it break, and now, he was taking up more space than Hajime himself ever had.  
Then again, that was Hajime's fault, too. 

He decided it was better for the other to stay until nighttime, since during the day, it was usually very busy outside. People would run in and out of their cottages all the time, and even if theirs weren't far apart, it was probably better to just wait.

Besides, Komaeda didn't seem particularly keen to leave. Hajime wouldn't just throw him out. Even if having the other lounging around like that was only making his heartbeat worse.  
And it was already pretty bad because he had been trying to summon his will to confess for what seemed like forever by that point.

He tried during the meal but saying you liked someone while they were busy scarfing down beef udon was probably a bad idea. In a worst-case scenario, Komaeda might have choked on a naruto or something. 

He proposed chess because he thought it would be a good way to do something relaxing and segway into the conversation. Instead, he spent the three games they played so far staring at Komaeda and freaking out internally. This wasn't working.

And he'd even changed his shirt, too. He narrowed his eyes at the admittedly pretty nice, wine-colored button-up he was wearing. It was probably the fanciest one he owned. Was it overkill? Maybe.

_Just tell him, you gotta tell him. Come on._

"Ah, I want something sweet" Komaeda mused to himself, turning over on the bed.

How was he supposed to even say it? 

_"Hey, um, I think I might like you? Would you like to kiss or something?"_

Oh god no. No confidence, and he would sound even lamer than he felt. 

"It's just cravings" Hajime sat down on the bed, looking over at Komaeda, "A side effect"

_"I like you! Go out with me!"_

No way. Too direct, too demanding. 

"Really?" Komaeda looked up at him, questioning.

_"Nagito Komaeda, I am in love with you! Please accept my feelings!"_

Absolutely not. What was this, a bad romance telenovela? A school slice of life anime?

"Yeah. Your body wants carbohydrates. You should watch that, actually, or you might eat too much" Hajime nodded.

This was bad. He couldn't think of anything. His brain was melting. How was he supposed to say it?

"I was wondering why I was eating so many sweets..." the other rolled on his back, staring at Hajime, "I prefer salty stuff, so it was a little weird"

He had to improvise. Just say anything, dammit, just say it!

"Komaeda?" Hajime felt like his heart would stop at any moment.

"Mhm?" 

Say it, say it, say it, **say it-**

"Komaeda, I-"

"HAJIME, ARE YOU IN THERE?!" 

He was pretty sure this time his heart did actually stop, for just a second. His world was spinning, a cold, awful feeling running down his back. He almost just-

"HAJIME YOU BASTARD!"

He realized with some delay someone was pounding on the door. Very aggressively. Almost as if in a daze, he walked up to it and turned the knob. 

"Um, yes? What-"

"No 'whats'! It's an emergency!" a clearly very agitated Fuyuhiko was gesturing wildly outside the door.

"Emergency?" Hajime hoped his flushed cheeks would be ignored.

"M-Man, this is bad! This is supeeeer bad! Aaaah-" Kazuichi was jumping nervously in place, murmuring to himself.

"They're being dramatic" Imposter, standing behind them, came to the front, "But we do need your help. Right now"

"What happened?" Hajime put on his shoes in a hurry, and glanced behind him, only to freeze.

Komaeda was laying on the bed, head dangling down from the side of it, staring at Hajime. 

In his bed. In his cottage. He was still there. Komaeda was in his cottage. And if someone came just a little closer to the door, they could probably see him. 

Hajime sent him the most panicked look, hoping to convey _'please, for the love of god, don't draw attention to yourself'_ , and then ran out of the cottage, slamming the door behind himself. 

"Hajime? What are you-" Fuyuhiko furrowed his brows.

"The emergency! Where is the emergency!" Hajime basically yelled, speeding forward.

"Teruteru got stuck in the transport box on the line from island three" Imposter, the only one able to sort of keep up with him, explained, "Those idiots thought it would be a fun challenge to see if he could fit in there. And then they tried to send him across, but he got stuck halfway. He's been sitting in the box, dangling above the water, for about ten minutes now"

"Oh my god" Hajime would have done a full facepalm if he wasn't running.

"You're the only one who knows how to fix that thing" Imposter continued, "I won't let Kazuichi ten meters near it. Last time he-"

Hajime tuned out Imposter's complaints, putting all of his anger into the running. Goddamit. He was so close to confessing, and he failed again. It wasn't even his fault this time! All of the embarrassment was being channeled into imagining the sort of talk he would give to the perpetrators after. Because, seriously? What sort of bad luck bullshit was this?

He tried to calm himself. With little success.

One more. He still had one more chance, his last chance. In the evening. 

No choice left. It would have to be it. 

He would confess even if it killed him, dammit. 

Hajime tapped on the table a little, clearing his throat. The sound rang out in the empty library.

"Huh?" 

Sonia finally lifted her gaze from the book, and smiled once she noticed it was him.

"Oh, good afternoon, Hajime" she closed the book, putting it away, "I apologize. I was lost in reading"

"I noticed" he smiled back, taking a seat across from her, "What is it?

Sonia lifted the book, showing the cover to him. There were a lot of weird-looking creatures, fire, and what looked like a woman having her body turned inside out. And blood. A lot of blood.

 _'Traditional demonic myths and beliefs of the eastern european region'_ , the title read.

Hajime nodded, as politely as he could.

"Looks like a fascinating read" he stated, pointedly looking away from the cover.

"It really is!" Sonia clapped her hands together enthusiastically, "This sort of knowledge is just essential for developing a balanced worldview, don't you think? Expanding my horizons like this is my duty as a member of the royal family" she smiled.

"Of course" Hajime assured, nodding. 

"I'm glad you agree with me!" Sonia was enthusiastic, "Ah, but actually, did you need something? I wouldn't want to prevent you from stating your purpose"

Hajime was silent for a moment, looking at the tall shelves of books around them. The library was entirely sorted and cleaned up now, but it still smelled of old paper and dust. It was cozy if a little musky. The silence didn't feel awkward here like it sometimes did in other places. It felt natural.

"Hajime?" Sonia leaned in a little, grabbing his hand into both her palms, "Is everything okay?"

She looked worried, and Hajime immediately smiled calmly. 

"Mostly, yes" he stated, "But, um, well. I had a question"

Sonia leaned back, entwining her fingers together, clearly serious. 

"Please do tell" 

Hajime inhaled. This was also a bad idea, but considering he already talked to Kazuichi, there really wasn't anywhere to go but up. And he had to admit, he started to get a little desperate. Evening was coming, and he wasn't feeling any more confident than he did before, not at all. He was out of ideas on how to approach this. 

"Remember what I talked to you about a few weeks ago? You know, caring about someone?" he waited for her to nod before he continued, "Well, I...I think I might have. Realized some things. And I was wondering, um...you said you experienced that, right?" 

"That's true" she smiled, a private, small expression.

"I wanted to ask if you maybe had...some advice? For, um, how to...to tell someone? That you feel a certain way about them?" he looked away, wishing his expression wasn't as stupid as he thought it was. 

It was extremely embarrassing, but he suspected it would come to this. He was stupid to try and dance around the issue. He needed someone to tell him what to do. 

"Hajime..." Sonia's eyes widened for a moment, and she smiled, "That's..."

His eyes must have been pleading to not ask, because she went silent, only smiling instead.

It felt weird to be playing games like that when there were only sixteen of them on the island. Sonia could probably guess who it was just by process of elimination. But she wouldn't, and that was why Hajime decided to go to her. Because he knew he could trust her not to pry. She was elegant in the most proper way, horror-loving or not - she wouldn't ask if he didn't want her to.

"I understand" she started again after a moment, "Is that why you have been so troubled recently?"

"You noticed?" he laughed awkwardly.

It seemed literally everyone noticed. 

"I was a little worried. I'm glad it was nothing bad" she did look relieved, "Anyway, if that's what you came to ask, well. I suppose if I had to say..." she rested her chin on her hand, thoughtful.

Hajime definitely felt relieved. Sonia really was an angel. Maybe this advice would finally give him what he needed. 

"That's not something I can tell you, I'm afraid" she shook her head. 

"...what?" Hajime blinked. 

"Hajime..." she smiled again, "This sort of thing is not something someone else can instruct you on. It's feelings. You don't just plan out what you need to do and say and then make it all go according to plan"

_You don't?_

His expression must have betrayed what he was thinking, because Sonia crossed her arms, narrowing her eyes at him a little. 

"You were trying to do that, weren't you?" he couldn't deny it, "No wonder you're stressed. Hajime, this is not how that works. You know, in the royal court, there is actually a proper way of doing things. You need to always adhere to moral and traditional code when pursuing someone, and there is a lot of do's and dont's. But that's not how it works between commoners" she nodded, suddenly thoughtful herself, "I had to learn that too. Apparently, certain gestures of courting in my culture are considered 'violent' and 'scary' in this one"

Hajime often wondered just what kind of a kingdom Novoselic was, exactly. He wasn't sure if he actually wanted to learn.

"But that's how that works, you know? Every person has their own way of expressing themselves. Sometimes, words aren't even necessary at all" she looked lost in something for a moment, smiling to herself. 

"Words aren't necessary?" Hajime considered.

"There are a lot of ways in which you can let someone know how you feel" she confirmed, "Being direct may be best, but not always. Sometimes things just happen, Hajime. I told you. You need to let them flow a little more"

He thought that was exactly what he was doing. And to be fair, it lead him to experiencing a lot of feelings he never thought he would. It lead him to realizing a lot of stuff. Maybe she was right. 

But how does one make a confession flow?

"I...want to tell them. I want to say it" he murmured. 

"Then do" she smiled encouragingly, "You just have to do it in your own way. No one else is going to tell you how"

And once she said it, it seemed so obvious. Of course. This was what Mikan was talking about, what Hajime should have understood from the very beginning. 

_"You don't have to know anything"_

There was nothing to be learned, no one, magical solution for everything. No one way to do it. He just had to try.

"I...thank you" he smiled at Sonia, although he felt his embarrassment making his voice waver, "You're right"

"I'm glad I could be of help" she nodded, "Well, see you, then"

"Eh? Um, do you...want me to leave?" Hajime was suddenly confused.

Sonia laughed a little.

"No, I'm not throwing you out" she denied, "But...don't you have somewhere to be right now?"

Ah. 

"...I do" he smiled, despite himself, "I do. I definitely do. Thanks again!" 

Hajime got up so fast he almost knocked the chair over. As he left the library, Sonia waved at him.

"Good luck, Hajime" 

Third attempt.

He didn't have a plan at all this time, really, he didn't have much in his head at all. He tried to at least gather himself as he ran to the cottage, but it wasn't helpful. There was a light, warm feeling filling his chest, propelling him forward. His entire body was as if filled with static, buzzing, excitement running in his veins. 

He finally felt ready. This was it. He would confess, he would say everything he wanted to. Because he liked Komaeda, and he was done pretending otherwise. 

It was weird, and maybe wrong, and maybe illogical, and confusing, but he **liked** Komaeda. He was done lying to himself, and more than anything, he was done lying to the other. 

Hajime really should have taken into account that a determination of that sort could only end in one way.

His plans being thwarted yet again. 

Because the moment he came into the cottage, he barely took off his shoes, and his world was turned upside down. Komaeda grabbed his hand, and then they were outside again, running. Before he could realize what was happening, he was being dragged towards the beach, his various words of questioning forgotten. 

And he had many, because **Komaeda was outside.**

Without the rope, at all. Without any prompting. He was literally dragging Hajime behind him, walking with the sort of purpose he never had before. Just when he'd last seen the other, he was lounging around on his bed, bored, relaxed, and now it seemed something was burning in him. And it wasn't even nighttime yet, sun only starting to show first of planning to set. Yet Komaeda was outside, where anyone could see him, like he didn't even care.

Hajime had no clue what was happening. 

"Where the hell are we going? What's going on?" Hajime questioned as he made his way behind the other, climbing carefully. 

Komaeda had dragged him through the beach, sand still hot beneath their feet, the waves and the wind filling the silence between them. Well, Hajime kept asking questions, but none of them were answered, Komaeda silent as a stone. 

But he never stopped holding Hajime's hand, even as they were now scaling large rocks on one end of the beach. 

It made climbing a little difficult, but Hajime didn't dare let go. He was confused, and a little scared, and the adrenaline from his planned confession was still buzzing in his veins. He forgot about it for a moment now, too lost in Komaeda's bizarre behavior. Because seriously, what the hell was going on?

When they reached the top of the rocks, Hajime felt himself being pulled down, which was mildly horrifying. But he followed Komaeda, realizing there was an opening on one side of the cliff they were now standing in front of.

Jabberwock beach was a lot different in real life than it was in the simulation, or maybe the years had just done their work on it. But it was much bigger, for one. And a lot less...commercialized. Most parts were still wild, ripe with tropical fauna, growing out of rocks and hanging from the cliffs. The palm trees crept onto the sand like they were sending a war declaration to the sea. Whatever they didn't clean up was uncharted territory, fitting of the name of a deserted island. And it seemed Komaeda was leading them right into one of those places.

Hajime winced, narrowly avoiding a giant leaf of some tropical plant hitting him in the face. They were scaling down now, seemingly on a completely blind patch, but Komaeda didn't waiver for a second. Even as it seemed there was nothing but jungle in front of them, he kept going. 

"We're gonna get lost at this rate" Hajime protested, even though he was still following him, hands linked together, "Komaeda, what is-"

And he had to stop, because in that moment, the jungle in front of them finally cleared.

Hajime lost his ability to breathe for a second.

They were standing on a small platform of rocks, and not far below them was a tiny beach. It was covered by jungle from all three sides, a part of the ground that randomly extended into the ocean. And the ocean, it was right in front of them, nothing but endless blue. There were no other islands visible from here, you could really only look forward.

It was impossibly beautiful, a peaceful, hidden place, so perfect it might have been taken out of some holiday brochure. Like it couldn't be real. 

"Pretty, right?"

Hajime finally snapped out of it, hearing Komaeda's voice next to him.

"It's...incredible" he heard the awe in his own voice.

And it really was. Hajime had no clue there even existed a place like that on the island, even though he'd made so many trips trying to map the islands out. Ultimate Topographer and all, he never once realized something like that was right in front of them. 

"I'm glad you like it" Komaeda let go of his hand now, turning to face him instead.

And Hajime's breath was taken away once again, for an entirely new reason.

Komaeda was standing right in front of the sun, slowly lowering itself on the horizon. It enveloped him in an almost heavenly aura, reflecting off the white of his hair. He was still wearing Hajime's shirt, and it fluttered with the wind, his bare feet making him look light, almost like he'd appeared out of thin air. The ocean glistened behind his figure.  
It was a moment, enough for Hajime to catch this glimpse, and he could almost feel his mind burning it in, a memory he would never forget. 

Pretty didn't even begin to describe it. 

Suddenly, Hajime felt another rush, his body burning up and away. He wanted to say it, right then and there. He didn't even care what it was, whatever, just to let some of this feeling out-

"I found this place thanks to my luck when I was wandering, before" Komaeda spoke again, a serene expression on his face, "I haven't been here in a while...as you could probably guess. I thought something like this might be a good way to say thank you"

Hajime was stopped yet again, his heart hammering. 

"Thank me? For...what?" he frowned, questioning.

"For these past few weeks. It's been...nice"

Komaeda turned around now, looking at the ocean spreading out in front of them. His voice was quieter when he spoke again.

"Hinata-kun, I...I don't remember the last time I've felt this happy. Being with you, the things you allowed me to do...it was above anything I could have ever hoped for. Even with my luck being the way it is, this was so, so much more. Sometimes, I thought...I thought...I might just die. And I would be happy" 

"Komaeda, what-" Hajime reached out to grab him, instinctively, but faltered when the other looked back at him. 

"All my life I've spent looking for a satisfying way to die. I believed if I died for hope, my life could finally mean something. That I could become a stepping stone for something greater, leave behind a trace of my existence" 

He said it all with the same calm expression he talked about his misfortunes, the way he described all of the unimaginable pain and suffering he had gone through. Like it was just natural, expected, deserved, even. 

"But I didn't succeed. And yet...Hinata-kun.." Komaeda smiled a bit differently, now, his eyes full of a strange fondness, "When I was spending time with you, I realized, I was ready. That I could die right then, and it wouldn't feel wrong at all. Isn't that bizarre?" he asked, clearly not awaiting an answer, "I think...you broke me, Hinata-kun. You made me selfish, even more than I was already. All the traces of goodwill I had left in me, you erased them all"

Hajime couldn't speak. He knew this, he recognized it, but for some reason, he couldn't stop Komaeda. He didn't want to. Whatever he was talking about, it sounded important, but more than anything, the feelings hiding under those words, they made Hajime's head spin, his mind whirling. 

"I am so worthless, now. I cannot become a stepping stone for someone else anymore. There's nothing left for me to do, I have become too selfish to even die in an important way. And yet..." the white-haired boy reached with his hand, brushing Hajime's cheek briefly, "You demand to stay with me. I can't say I understand it, not at all. But I can't fight it anymore, either. How pathetic, isn't it?" 

"T-That's not-" Hajime started, although he had no idea what he actually wanted to say. 

"Hinata-kun"

Komaeda looked more serious now, retracting his hand. He was looking straight at Hajime, a determination in his eyes. 

"...yes?" Hajime felt himself swallow.

"I know what I want my reward to be" 

Hajime felt puzzled for a moment, before realizing. Oh, right. Komaeda never ended up asking for his reward after the hospital trip. Hajime sort of let him sleep in his bed aside from that, the reward left forgotten. 

Was he thinking of it the whole time?

"I wanted to confirm something first" Komaeda started again.

"...what is it?" 

"You said 'anything', right? Anything at all?" the other recalled.

"Y-yes?" Hajime fumbled a little under Komaeda's intense gaze, "As long as it's not dangerous or harmful to anyone, anything is fine"

It was a stupid thing to say, probably, but Hajime was quickly being made aware that there were very few things he would refuse Komaeda at his point. He was in way too deep, and every moment of this conversation was only making him fall further and further, the sun casting rays on their silhouettes. 

"I see..." Komaeda smiled a little, "Then, Hinata-kun..."

Hajime felt like he was being burned from the inside out by that gaze. He stared, mesmerized, and shit, he really was ready to do anything. Anything at all. 

**"I want you to kiss me"**

The world stopped around them, or at least, it did for Hajime. He wasn't sure, at first, not at all. He thought maybe he'd heard wrong. But that was impossible. His hearing never failed him, not like this. Komaeda said it loud and clear.

Hajime's body shot up with adrenaline, so palpable he felt like he would taste it in his throat. He had no idea what was happening, never, ever, in his wildest dreams did he think this would go down like this. 

He was about to confess, and now, Komaeda was asking if he could _kiss_ him?

"Ah, as I thought" the other laugh quietly, "Even if you say anything, this is too outrageous of a request, isn't it? Of course. I understand, even someone as strong as Hinata-kun wouldn't want to experience something so horrible. No matter how much you want to keep your word, it is simply unfair of me to-"

"I'll do it!" 

Hajime almost shouted, desperate just to stop Komaeda's rant. 

He had no idea what was going on, his mind was speeding through every lane, with no brakes. But he knew one thing. If he messed this up, if he passed up this opportunity, he would never forgive himself. 

Komaeda _wanted_ to be kissed by him. Everything else might have been a joke, but this must have been serious, right? Komaeda was serious, and that meant there was a chance he felt the same way that Hajime did. He needed to know. He wanted to. 

And god, did he want to kiss Komaeda.

"I'll do it" he repeated, putting more conviction in his voice, "If that's what you want, then I'll do it"

Komaeda's eyes widened for a moment, and then it was gone, replaced by a calm smile. He looked at Hajime with something indescribable in his gaze, and a touch of sadness the other couldn't understand. But his voice was sure as he spoke again.

"Okay" he nodded, "Then, please go ahead, Hinata-kun"

And Hajime froze for a moment, because, well, he realized he had no clue what to do.

He had never kissed anyone, which he always convinced himself wasn't an embarrassing thing, even when he was in his twenties. But now, standing in front of Komaeda, he cursed his lack of experience. His entire body was tense, his stomach flipping in over on itself. Dammit, he had thought of much more risky things to do with Komaeda, why the hell was he freaking out over a kiss?

He stepped forward, closing the distance between them. Reaching his hand, he cupped Komaeda's jaw, brushing his cheek with his thumb. His heart was so loud he felt like he couldn't even hear the waves anymore. And those dull green eyes just kept staring, burning into his soul, making him feel like he needed to run away. But he didn't want to, he wanted to move closer, and closer, and closer. His body was frozen, though, only his hand moving.

Komaeda seemed to close his eyes a little, nuzzling into Hajime's palm. And when he opened them again, he seemed to be thinking about something. Hajime swallowed, throat dry, but he still couldn't move. Dammit, dammit, why was this so-

Suddenly, there was nothing left in front of him anymore, except warmth and the smell of almonds.

_What?_

_Oh._

_OH._

Komaeda's weight was leaning on him, their legs aligned together, and there were hands in his hair, and-

Komaeda was kissing him.

It was nothing like what Hajime imagined a first kiss to be like. He thought of them as gentle, careful, but now, he was overwhelmed in seconds. Komaeda was everywhere, the grip on Hajime's hair nearly painful, his body almost making them both topple over. The smell dulled Hajime's mind, immediately, like a tsunami wave, breaking everything in its way. And god, Komaeda's lips were warm, dry and chapped, but so, so warm. The strength of it made Hajime nearly lose whatever awareness he had left. Komaeda felt utterly desperate, like he was drowning, holding onto the brown-haired boy as if he was a lifeline. It was just a normal kiss, or so Hajime thought, but it felt so impossibly intense. The other completely engulfed him, so quickly and roughly it was almost violent. 

And then, as suddenly as it began, the hands in Hajime's hair were gone, the warmth of another body leaving cold in its wake, and oh. 

It was over. 

Hajime's lips still felt like it was happening, like the warmth and the pressure and the texture were all there. He unconsciously brought his hand to them, feeling it out, as if trying to confirm what had just transpired. 

_They kissed._

It happened. Somehow, it happened. Hajime felt a ridiculous lightness rise up in him, a burning heat in his stomach spreading all the way through his body. He wanted to scream, to dance, to do whatever, he didn't even know. This giddiness was intoxicating. 

He looked over to Komaeda, wanting to just experience this, to confirm it was all real. 

But when he did, his body felt like it was frozen over. 

"Ah...I ruined it" 

Komaeda was smiling as he spoke, a wide, full smile. But it was one of _those_.

Utterly hollow, painful, like the world was breaking around him, and he stood and watched. The sort of smile he had when he knew there was nothing left to do anymore, when he felt like it was all over. This was the smile he had when he-

Laughter bubbled up from inside of the white-haired boy, and its sound made Hajime's veins go cold. The other laughed and laughed, louder and louder, wheezing, barely managing to hold his breath. It wasn't the small chuckles he'd sometimes let out at a joke, or the giggling he allowed himself whenever he teased Hajime. 

No, it was the horrifying sound of overwhelming, uncontrollable despair.

"All by myself!" he barely managed to wheeze out between laughing, "Can you imagine that? I was waiting so long, you know, Hinata-kun"

"Komaeda-" Hajime tried, he wanted to, but he couldn't.

"I was waiting, and waiting, for when my luck would turn again" Komaeda interjected, "All this time, I was just stalling, enjoying myself, knowing it wasn't going to last. You let me get away with so much, Hinata-kun. It felt like I was the luckiest person in the world" it sounded like he still believed he very well might be, "I told you, I was so happy, I was ready to die" he laughed again, "That's why I knew this was going to crash so badly. I wondered what it would be, if I could still hope for that, I would have at least hoped you wouldn't get hurt too badly. I hoped maybe it would finally be me, instead. I was angry when you saved me, you know. What's the point of that? This was always going to have a bad ending regardless" 

He stared at Hajime, something deep and dark swirling in his eyes.

"But you made me careless. I let myself forget, I let myself believe, just for a moment, that maybe it was all going to be okay" he ran his hand through his hair, over his face, "I understand now. This is it. My luck didn't break at all. It was just waiting to get me in this way, in this cruelest, most painful way. Those weeks we spent together, Hinata-kun, I was so, so happy. Every time you came to see me, it felt like the sky would fall down on me. But it never did, and you kept being kind, and I couldn't fight it anymore. I wondered how bad the bad luck would be, but I believed in you. I trusted you, I trusted you would keep us safe"

And it was painful, Hajime could _hear_ it. He wanted to do something, to grab the other, to pull him closer and tell him to never let go, but he couldn't. He was stuck standing there, screaming inside at himself. 

"And you did" Komaeda laughed again, quieter this time, "You actually did. Of course you would. I was stupid to ever doubt you. That's why it's so much more ironic this way! You could actually defeat my luck, you could do anything you wanted!"

There was still awe in those words, even as he was spiraling.

"It's only fitting I would be the one to end it with my own hands this time, no? I truly ruined it all by myself. Ah, what a perfectly despair-filled outcome!" he grabbed at his head, pulling his hair, "I couldn't have thought of it better myself, ever! I thought I was going to die, I thought you were going to die, I thought something would break, crash, burn. I never, ever thought I would destroy it all by myself, with nothing but a kiss. Just because you offered, just because I'm so, so selfish. Just because I couldn't stop myself anymore. This is the most unlucky thing that has ever happened to me!"

He came closer, now, centimeters away from the other, and he looked like he was about to cry, although Hajime couldn't be sure, he'd never seen that happen before. But Komaeda's bottom lips quivered as he smiled again, the most pained smile Hajime remembered ever witnessing.

"You were right. Your luck really is better than mine. So that's why it focused on me again. I have to suffer for the happiness I experienced" that expression was bright and full, "Ah, but I truly am despicable. Because it feels like it was worth it. If I could do it all again, I would. Just to spend time with you..." he closed his eyes for a moment, smiling.

Hajime wanted to grab him, to do something-

Komaeda opened his eyes again, and his smile finally dropped, leaving an empty, blank expression.

"It's over now, Hinata-kun. I ruined it. You don't have to take care of me anymore. You're free"

And Hajime felt like everything was falling down, because _what?_

His frozen stature finally broke, his mind feeling like it was going into overdrive. He could almost feel himself breaking and being put together again, in a span of what was probably just a second. His shock, sadness, fear, were all overridden with the most powerful feeling he ever experienced. 

_I want to see you happy._

He felt anger building in the back of his head, a hot sensation in his stomach. This was all wrong, this was all bullshit. What the fuck was Komaeda talking about, anyway?

"Ruined it?" 

And he felt it fully this time, not a single part of his mind distant. It was all there, held together by a searing sensation that seemed just a drop away from tearing him apart. But he persisted, staring straight into Komaeda's eyes, feeling the ground beneath him stronger than ever before.

"Hinata-kun-" 

"You don't understand anything at all, do you?!"

Hajime basically screamed, all of his feelings boiling up to the surface.

How could he have not realized?

He thought Komaeda was smart, he was worried he would maybe even figure it out before Hajime could confess. Through all of that, he didn't once realize that to Komaeda, the possibility of someone actually _liking_ him was not even something he would consider. It wasn't even an option, no matter how obvious Hajime was being. Every gesture of affection, every smile, every prolonged stare, luck, Komaeda thought. Just Hajime being nice, just Komaeda being lucky. In some twisted way of his, this made sense to him.

Ruining his own happiness was so much more familiar to Komaeda than being loved was. 

"You're doing it again" Hajime said, voice strong, blood burning, "You're assuming you know everything. You believe you figured it all out. You're always trying to do that, to predict the future, to arrive at a conclusion before anything is revealed. After all, you know better than everyone else, right?"

He grabbed Komaeda by the shoulders now, he wanted to scream, to hug him, to do everything at once, but he just kept talking, instead.

"Well, I think you don't actually know shit" he watched the other's eyes widen, "Because...tell me, please, why do you think I kept taking care of you? Why did I learn how to use rope, why did I bring you food, why did I spend time with you? Why did I ask you to let me stay, Komaeda? Why?"

He knew he was being intense, but he couldn't stop, he didn't even want to. 

"B-Because..." Komaeda was looking nowhere but at him, frozen, "Because you feel responsible for my well-being. Because you went through the trouble of waking me up, and treating me, and you want to make sure everyone is happy and-"

"Bullshit" Hajime almost laughed, "And I thought I was dense!"

Komaeda was silent then, seemingly completely caught off guard.

"Komaeda" Hajime spoke lower, now, quieter, but with conviction, "Do you really think I would do all that just because I'm a 'good person' or whatever? That I would spend so many hours with you? That I would ask you to read books to me? That I would bathe you, and brush your hair, and let you wear my shirt? That I would run on the beach with you, hold you, and want to never let go? That I would stay with you in that damn cage, and sometimes wish we would never leave so I could watch you sleep in peace, the warmth of it making me almost cry?"

Komaeda was just staring and frowning at his words, the lack of understanding obvious on his face.

"I see now" Hajime smiled a little, "I wasn't the one in denial at all. All this time, you believed this was just a dream. Just your luck letting you experience happiness before it would inevitably take it away from you. So it seems you didn't listen to me at all, then"

"Didn't...listen?" Komaeda licked his lips nervously.

"I told you. I'm not leaving" Hajime repeated again, "Do you know why?"

And he didn't expect an answer this time, but he let Komaeda look at him in silence, the ocean breeze creeping in between them.

"Because I fell in love with you"

Hajime said it, so calmly, so normally, as if he was announcing what he ate for breakfast. That's what it felt like, then. Obvious, simple, easy. It wasn't a scary thought, something he didn't understand, something bizarre. He felt it with his whole body, his whole mind, he knew exactly what it was. 

Komaeda's eyes widened even more, the expression on his face almost horrified. He writhed out of Hajime's grasp, hugging himself. There was laughter bubbling up in his throat again. 

"Ah, I see..." he giggled, "I have to say, hearing you say that, it's almost more painful. How incredible. Hinata-kun, I didn't think you could be this cruel. But it's what I deserve, after doing something so disgusting to you-"

"You don't believe me" Hajime cut in. 

"I-" Komaeda started, but Hajime didn't let him. 

"You think you know how I feel better than I do. You think you understand. I couldn't possibly like you, right? There's no way, is there?"

He was getting angry again, he knew he was, but he pushed it down. Because he needed to say it all. This was it. This was his confession.

"Then I'll convince you" he advanced towards Komaeda, until they were centimeters apart, "No matter what it takes, I'll convince you. I'll prove it"

"Hinata-kun?" Komaeda's voice wavered.

This was risky, Hajime knew. And it felt like he was not entirely in control of his own body. But he needed to do this. He wanted to do this.

"Komaeda" he spoke again, brushing his fingers against the other's jaw, "I still haven't given you your reward"

Komaeda lifted his eyebrows.

"Wha-" he stumbled, "What are you..."

"You asked me to kiss you" Hajime continued, circling the other's bottom lip with his finger, "But it was you who kissed me instead. I want to do it, this time. Can I?"

Komaeda was completely frozen, staring at him.

"Can I kiss you?" he repeated.

Finally, there was a small nod, almost unnoticeable, Komaeda's eyes still not leaving him. 

"Thank you" 

He didn't know why he said it, but it didn't matter anymore. Because he brought Komaeda closer, and their noses brushed, and he closed his eyes and-

Warm. So warm. His entire body felt like it was flying, again, for a moment. Just a kiss, but he was almost as violent as Komaeda was. Hajime felt like he needed to pour all of his feelings into it, all of his need, his care, his fear. He just wanted to show what he couldn't tell. 

They were breathless when they parted, this time. Komaeda's eyes looked just a bit glossed over, but he still smiled, the same hollow thing as before. 

"Ah, Hinata-kun..." the rasp of his voice was stronger now, "How kind you are. To let me go with something like this...to pretend for me..."

"No" 

It was one word, and then he was kissing Komaeda again. 

This was it. He was done. 

"H-Hinata-kun, what-"

"If you won't believe me, I just have to keep going until you do" Hajime breathed out, "Over and over again. I won't stop unless you tell me to. I want you to believe me. I need you to believe me"

And again. Komaeda fell over on the ground beneath them, this time, but Hajime cushioned the fall with his hand. And again. Hajime breathed into the kiss, feeling his head go dizzy. He could feel the scabs, now, he traced them with his upper lip, lightly, then harder. 

"I like you, Komaeda"

He only took breaks to say it, and then again. 

Komaeda placed his hands in Hajime's hair again, trembling, clearly trying to hold on. Hajime couldn't let go, couldn't stop, all he knew was the smell of almonds and the feeling of their skin meeting. 

"I want to stay with you, Komaeda"

He realized they were rolling over the edge, and he let it happen, turning over to cushion their fall. Komaeda yelped when they fell into the sand beneath them, but Hajime silenced him. Again. 

"Please, let me stay, Komaeda"

Komaeda was above him now, but he didn't run, he didn't pull away. All he did was let Hajime bring their lips together again. And again. 

"Please let me spend time with you, Komaeda"

Hajime was lost, completely, not even knowing how he still had the capability to form words. It must have just been his determination, because his mind felt gone. It was Komaeda, Komaeda, only Komaeda. He kissed the corners of his mouth, he dragged his bottom lip across the other's, he felt those pale fingers tug at his hair. 

"Please let me care for you, Komaeda" 

They rolled over again, Komaeda being pinned against the rock they were standing on before, and he didn't seem to care at all. Hajime was tracing patterns on his shoulders, seeking contact in any way he could. Komaeda was kissing back, finally, slowly, carefully, but he was, and oh god, Hajime just wanted to never stop.

"Please let me kiss you, Komaeda"

He did, he was letting him, and Hajime licked at his bottom lip a little. He felt the scab with his tongue, he thought how he could bite it, and it would surely bleed. Komaeda whined into his mouth, soft and barely audible. 

"Please let me love you, Komaeda"

They parted, finally, and Hajime was staring at the other, unable to do much else. He was scared, he had no idea what-

Komaeda was crying. 

Hajime realized he must have started before, because his own cheeks were wet, too. He touched them with his finger, noticing his lips tasted salty. 

"Komaeda-"

"Hinata-kun...Hinata-kun..." the other looked so close to breaking, his lashes wet, like he was desperately trying not to make a sound. 

And Hajime was completely out of his mind at that point, but he did the only thing he felt like he could. The only thing he wanted to.

He wrapped his arms around Komaeda, strongly, quickly, bringing their bodies close together. He fisted his hands into the other's shirt, holding on, willing to never let go. 

"Please, believe me, Komaeda"

And there was a tense moment, a hesitation, but then two hands were on his back, and a head was nuzzled into his neck, and Komaeda was _sobbing_. His shoulders were shaking, Hajime could feel his shirt getting wet with it. 

It made him so happy it was almost scary. 

They sat there, just as they did before on the floor of the cottage. Now there was sand under their bodies, and in their hair, and most likely, everywhere. But none of it mattered, because Hajime was holding Komaeda, and he really felt like he was the luckiest of them all.

"Hinata-kun...I'm Sorry, I-" Komaeda finally pulled away, hiccuping a little. 

"It's okay" Hajime traced his cheek, wiping away the last of the tears, "It's okay"

And it really was, because when Komaeda looked up at him again, there was a smile on his face. 

It was small, barely there, hesitant, but it was **real**. Nothing like the hollow ones he'd seen, nothing like the empty laughter. 

"I...I believe Hinata-kun" the white-haired boy spoke, "I have no idea why you would ever fall for someone like me, but. If that's what you want. If that's what will make you happy, I-"

"I'm pretty sure I've never wanted anything more in my entire life" Hajime stated.

A true statement, somehow. Even when he had wanted talent, longed for it so badly he was willing to do anything, it didn't feel like this. It was empty, just a need, not a desire. But this was a want, something he truly chose, he truly decided. 

"I want you, Komaeda. Please. If you feel the same, please, let me-"

"I do" and it was so quick, as if he didn't even have to think about it.

Hajime felt his heart soar, his mind scatter. He only wanted to confess, he came into this expecting any answer, glad to just let his feelings finally be known. But this was something entirely different. It was reciprocation, but also, Komaeda gave him so much more than that. 

It wasn't all over, it wasn't all resolved. Hajime wanted to address everything Komaeda said, he wanted to break those arguments one by one, to prove to him without any doubt how he felt. But they would have time for that. Because Komaeda accepted him. 

There would be a tomorrow where Hajime could stay with him.

"I've fallen for you, Komaeda. God, I've fallen so badly"

He was the one hiding his head in the other's neck now, their hands linked together. 

Somewhere in the back of his mind, there was embarrassment, utter and total. What kind of a confession had this even been? He barely said anything before he was smothering Komaeda in kisses, and all of that was so cheesy. He went overboard, above and beyond, completely lost his shit. He knew he had a tendency to say intense stuff when he was upset, but damn.  
And he _kissed_ him. Just like that, multiple times, so many times. This was insane. Utterly, completely insane. 

He could get used to it. 

"Hinata-kun"

There was a movement, and Hajime realized Komaeda was getting up. He looked up, confused, to see the other smiling at him. 

"The sun is setting..."

As Komaeda spoke, Hajime lifted himself up as well, looking over the horizon. The burning star was disappearing slowly, coating everything in an orange glow. Komaeda was still smiling at him, the sunset reflecting in his eyes, the wind ruffling his hair. 

Hajime had confessed. 

Attempt number three was successful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH BOY  
> WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TIME  
> it's "fucking finally" o'clock :)
> 
> no seriously you would not believe how excited i was about this chapter. 
> 
> it's long af again, almost as much as the last one. i just hope the plot excuses it this time shshsh sorry!!
> 
> just fyi, this last scene is actually meant to go on, i didn't want to make this longer than it already was - but that means we'll be getting more of that conversation in the next chapter!! after all, komaeda didn't confess all properly yet, did he? :) i think there's still something left to say there :)) hmmm :)))
> 
> komaeda be like 'i know a place'  
> and the place is called trauma and trust issues :)
> 
> in case you couldn't tell i have a thing for overly atmospheric scenes involving the ocean. i live in a shit climate let me dream of tropical islands sshhss


	13. At first sight, and then again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Komaeda finally says a lot of things, and Hajime finally realizes how little he actually understood.

"It's warm..."

Hajime stared at where Komaeda was dipping his toes in the water. He stepped back a little when the wave came, and then tiptoed forward once it retreated. It looked like he was playing tag with the ocean. 

"It's always warm" Hajime noted, standing next to him, "Tropical climate and all"

A true blessing, back when they didn't have running water yet. Hajime couldn't imagine having to bathe in something like the Baltic Sea every single day. 

"Hey, Komaeda?" 

"Yes?" 

Hajime narrowed his eyes. The other boy was staring very intently at the pattern his feet were creating in the sand. 

"You're not looking at me" Hajime noted, trying to sound casual.

Komaeda did look now, but he immediately seemed to avert his eyes. 

"Well, I..." there went the lip bite, "Hinata-kun said a lot of weird things. It's a bit embarrassing now..."

Hajime felt himself go a little red at the reminder. He couldn't really disagree, 'embarrasing' was an understatement. He really overdid it, saying everything he wanted and then a lot more. Now that they both calmed down a little, it was catching up to him. 

He confessed, but shit, that wasn't exactly a normal confession. He was almost surprised himself. He didn't quite realize how strong his own feelings were until that point. But it made some sense. He and Komaeda were close, in a very specific way. This wasn't just a crush on someone he barely knew.  
Besides, Hajime was not the one to do things half-way, not anymore. So what if he was a tad too intense? It's not like he was lying.

Yeah. He really wasn't.

"I meant every word, you know" he spoke up, pushing down his awkwardness, "I can say it again if you want me to"

"Ah, no, that's a bad idea" Komaeda did look at him now, smiling, "I might not survive that..."

Hajime wasn't sure if he meant his luck cycle, or just dying from embarrassment. Probably both.

"You should get used to it" he huffed a little, crossing his arms, "Because...now that I know you don't mind. I might say it whenever I want to"

"H-Hinata-kun, that's..." the other shuffled the sand beneath his feet, fidgeting. 

"I like you" Hajime couldn't quite stop a smirk from creeping onto his face, "I like you, I like you, I like y-"

Was he acting dumb? Yes. Was it because he was still way too happy about his confession? Probably. 

"Mhmm...!" 

Komaeda managed to stop his ridiculous mantra by knocking the wind out of him. He was being tackled, again, the other boy making vague noises of complaining into his chest. His hands brushed over Hajime's a bit as he let them fall down, leaning against the other.

_Cute. That's really fucking cute._

Hajime looked away, but couldn't quite get the stupid smile off of his face. He still felt giddy, even more than before. His entire body felt light, his chest blooming with something warm.

Hajime, in general, sometimes had trouble processing emotions. He reacted to a lot of things with either mild annoyance or confusion, instead of whatever was appropriate. It was better than feeling nothing at all, but still, he sometimes got worried he wasn't very...enthusiastic.

Where his friends were running around and screaming excitedly, he tended to just kind of stand around. Everyone assured him it was okay, but he couldn't help missing his old disposition sometimes. Sure, he was a lot less mature back then, and quite frankly, kind of reckless, but he also felt more...authentic. Now, with his brain working at a superhuman capability, he nearly always had a lot of room to decide on what his reaction would be. Sometimes it almost seemed like everything he said and did was carefully rehearsed. Ultimate Actor not helping.

That wasn't true, of course, but it appeared that way. And he didn't like it. Made him feel even less human than usual. 

But being with Komaeda relieved some of that. The other boy didn't often express his own emotions conventionally, either. Actually, most people probably had no idea what Komaeda was thinking most of the time. He said morbid things with a smile, he laughed when he was sad, or when he was happy, actually, he just laughed a lot, sometimes seemingly for no reason at all. He went from confident to shy in no time, he pretended, but almost never lied. He complained one second and got flustered the other.  
It made Hajime feel like there was no point in thinking too much about his own reactions, he realized he so often said whatever came to mind around the other. Without thinking. 

He liked it. He liked the nervousness that built in him when they were together. Part of it, he now realized, was the crush. But another part was just Komaeda. He was just like that. Komaeda made people nervous, sometimes, seemingly as a hobby. But to Hajime, who could now be truly threatened by so few things, it was fun. A little weird, but who cares. Nobody was there to judge him anymore.

And he had to admit, liking someone really was a different kind of feeling. He didn't expect the intensity of it. He thought once he would confess, it would sort of dissipate, but instead, it got stronger. Just having Komaeda hugging him now felt like too much. He had no clue how he was taking it so relatively well. Probably because the other was even more flustered. 

"We're definitely going to die, now" Komaeda murmured into Hajime's shirt, "Hinata-kun is so thoughtless..."

He was happy. Hajime smiled, probably looking even dumber. 

"No we're not" he gently pushed Komaeda off, "Nobody's dying"

"You don't know that..." the other narrowed his eyes a little.

Hajime realized how unbothered he was by these remarks, nowadays. Maybe it was a bit concerning. Whatever.

"Is this really such good luck? That we would both have to die?" he couldn't keep the amusement out of his voice.

"It's unfathomable" Komaeda looked almost comically serious, "I don't think us dying would make up for it. Everyone would have to die. The island could like, catch on fire. Or fall under the sea. A giant earthquake, maybe...?" he seemed to be genuinely considering the possibilities.

Komaeda's eyes were still a little puffy from crying. His lashes had the last signs of wetness on them. 

Hajime realized how strange seeing the other cry was. Komaeda always appeared so...unbothered. Despite his nervous tendencies, and the general jittery vibe he gave off whenever he got heated about something, where things went really bad - Komaeda was always calm. Where Hajime was too horrified to make a sound, where everyone was panicking, the white-haired boy simply stood and watched.

He was used to tragedy. Used to horrific things happening, expected them, even. 

But he wasn't used to love, just a little bit of it enough to make him cry. 

Hajime didn't want to make Komaeda cry, but at the same time, he felt like maybe that was what the other needed.

"That's Atlantis. You're thinking of Atlantis" the brown-haired boy shook his head, smiling. 

Their hands were still dangling close, and suddenly, he felt Komaeda hook his little finger on Hajime's own. It was his left hand, the mechanical whirring almost unnoticeable amongst the wind and the soft shore waves. Hajime returned the gesture, intertwining their fingers fully, and Komaeda looked over with surprise. He seemed to get progressively redder the longer he eyed their connected palms.

"Unfathomable, huh...?" Hajime wondered, staring at him.

"Hinata-kun actually...l-liking me..." the other boy looked away, covering his mouth with his other hand, "T-That's. Extremely improbable. A one in a million chance. I can't even begin to imagine what sort of bad luck I would have to experience to make up for this..."

"Hey, now" Hajime protested, "If it was your luck, then it was mine as well. I got...nervous..." admitting it did feel embarrassing.

"Nervous?" Komaeda gazed at his face now, questioning. 

"Well, of course I did" the other got defensive, "I confessed to someone I liked. I had no idea how you would respond. Obviously, it was a little scary. Why are you surprised?"

Komaeda seemed to frown, suddenly thoughtful.

"Hinata-kun..." his voice was confused, "What are you talking about?"

Hajime just stared at him.

"Were you...worried I would...reject you?" Komaeda didn't seem to believe his own words. 

"...yes?" Hajime was starting to get the distinct feeling he was missing something.

"T-That's..." Komaeda blinked in bewilderment, "Hinata-kun...over someone like me? That doesn't make any sense" he was staring at the other as if this was actually a difficult math equation or something.

"Is it that hard to believe?" Hajime frowned, "I like you, and I was worried you didn't feel the same. It's not weird"

"But I..." the other was focusing so hard Hajime was getting worried his brain might overheat, "Hinata-kun. You knew I liked you already, right?"

Hajime could swear he heard a record scratch in his head.

Wait.

What?

"I-...Komaeda, wha-" Hajime was speechless.

"Hinata-kun..." the other looked astounded, "You...didn't"

Hajime suddenly felt stupid, which was recently becoming a more common occurrence. He still had no idea what the other was talking about. The implication was creeping up on him, though. 

"Ah..." Komaeda seemed to finally catch on, "I should have realized. I, um, thought I was being pretty direct?" 

Hajime just kept staring at him, hoping to convey how lost he was.

"Hinata-kun" Komaeda sounded almost disappointed, "I already told you before. I assumed you knew...how much I...um...I thought you were just being nice by not rejecting me outright. Only as expected of someone as noble as you..."

"Told me?" Hajime lifted his eyebrows.

Sure, he knew Komaeda had a...thing for talented people. And he was talented now, if nothing else. But that was just weird admiration, borderline obsession. Frankly, the other had a tendency to care about people's talents and the 'potential hope they could bring' more than he did about them as human beings. He got better about that, recently, finally taking meds probably helped. But still, Hajime always assumed Komaeda just liked him because he was talented. And didn't turn the other way at the mere sight of him.  
Komaeda was starved of both attention and affection, of course he would be acting clingy towards anyone who was somewhat nice. 

Hajime used to be sure of it. The other reciprocating his feelings was surprising enough. Now he was less sure every second that he ever knew anything at all.

"Komaeda, you..." Hajime started again, "You like me?"

Technically, he already said he did, but Hajime wanted to hear it again. He really wanted that.

"Hinata-kun..." the other had a pensive expression on his face, now, and Hajime felt he was being dragged closer to the water.

Komaeda rolled his pants up to his knees with one hand, the other still linked with Hajime's. And then he was stepping into the water, and Hajime was glad he was wearing shorts. The water was warm as it pooled around his ankles and then higher, and higher. Komaeda kept holding his hand, the shallows extending in front of them. 

The sunset still hadn't ended quite yet, but it was close. Everything was now almost red, last traces of sunlight already giving way to a starry sky. The reflections on the water made it seem like it was burning, for a moment. The ocean was calm, it usually was, around this area. There were storms, sometimes, but not often. Most of the time, it was exactly like in that second - serene, small waves hitting the shore almost lazily. 

Hajime felt the water nearly come up to his knees when Komaeda stopped. They were a fair amount of distance from the shore since the water was shallow around that area. It seemed as if they were standing in the open ocean, only the sounds of the already active cicadas reminding Hajime that land was close by. 

Komaeda turned around to face Hajime, their hands stretching a little to cover the distance between them. Hajime realized the metal was heating up with his own body heat. It was a weirdly nice sensation.

"Hinata-kun" Komaeda spoke, "You really are quite clueless, aren't you?"

Hajime would have felt offended, but Komaeda looked too pretty with his hair ruffled by the breeze. He'd get offended at something else later. Yeah. 

"I should have expected this of a reserve course student, I suppose..." the other mused, expression something between disappointed and teasing, "Ah, well, in that case. I just have to say it?" he tapped his chin, "Alright. Then..."

He smiled, his eyes glistening just like the sea around them.

"I am completely, utterly, irrevocably in love with Hinata-kun!" 

_Oh._

Hajime's brain was probably just going into stupid territory now, because the first thing he thought was that he was _jealous_.

Because, dammit, that was a proper confession. Komaeda, the Komaeda that always said the most inappropriate things, that managed to make every situation awkward with just a few words if he tried - the same Komaeda could say something like _that_. With a smile. With a tone of voice that suggested he was stating something as obvious as the sky being blue and the water being wet. He just said it like...

Like he'd known for a long time.

Hajime swallowed a little, his cheeks burning. He was glad Komaeda had given him the prosthetic hand instead of the healthy one because he could feel his palm sweating. He sure got flustered quickly. Then again, who wouldn't, hearing something like that?

"Komaeda..." he started, and the other just smiled.

Hajime, not for the first time, was wondering why Komaeda was so _pretty_. It didn't make any sense. He wasn't even what one would consider conventionally attractive, normally. He had a nice face, that was true, but he was skinny and pale. Hajime couldn't even pretend like he saw any of it as a bad thing. Komaeda was absolutely gorgeous, against any of his better judgment. 

And he looked good against the ocean. He fit with it, somehow. It was fantasy-esque. Like a mermaid. Merman?

Hajime's brain _was_ going into stupid territory. 

"Since...since when?" he finally managed to ask what he wanted to, "Since when did you. Feel like that about me?"

Because if he was interpreting this right, Komaeda liked him before Hajime even started to realize his own feelings. And that was a whole another level of embarrassing.

The other looked pensive again, resting his chin on his hand. 

"Well..." he considered, "Ah, Hinata-kun probably doesn't believe in love at first sight, no?"

He laughed, and Hajime fell into thought. At first...?

"But, our first meeting..." he couldn't quite believe where his conclusions were leading him to, "Komaeda, that's...!"

The other was still smiling, as if saying 'exactly right'. It was nearly a little cocky.

"I shot you" Hajime deadpanned, still in disbelief, "Komaeda, I shot you. With a gun"

"You did" the smile was going nowhere, "And if I died then, I think I would have been happy about it"

_Oh for the love of god, Komaeda. What the-_

"Hinata-kun" the other seemed to get serious, now, "You...you were the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my life"

Hajime was definitely letting this slip too much, but dammit, he couldn't even be outraged. Because Komaeda just called him beautiful. 

Maybe the other was right. Someone would die today. And it would be Hajime, of too many feelings. Was that a thing? He would make it a thing. 

Hajime Hinata, the Ultimate Hope, death cause: a compliment.

"You saw me for like two seconds" Hajime mentioned, because he really couldn't do anything but mask his fluttering heart with nitpicking.

"And it was enough" the other didn't falter, "I told you before, didn't I? I can feel great hope in those around me. I know talent when I see it, that burning, bright existence" a familiar passion shone in his eyes, "You were the brightest hope I have ever witnessed. I knew it instantly. The moment I saw you, I realized. You were the reason I was brought to Hope's Peak"

Hajime frowned a little, his mind building confusing associations. 

"Komaeda, that's not-" he wavered, "That's not. It wasn't love"

"It was" the other shook his head, "Hinata-kun..."

And he came closer and grabbed Hajime's other hand. It felt like he was demanding attention, all of a sudden. Not that Hajime had the capability to pay attention to anything else at that moment, really. 

"It felt like I was born for the sole purpose of meeting you" that smile was honest, despite its light nature. 

Oh god, did that sentence make something burn in Hajime. It was so distinctly Komaeda, so distinctly overdramatic and inappropriately serious. So obviously said with full conviction.  
Komaeda was like this. He wasn't always honest, but when he was, it seemed almost scary. He was looking at Hajime like he was a wonder, a miracle. It made it hard to form coherent thoughts.

"But that doesn't mean..." Hajime was thinking of a way to explain it, "That's not what love is"

What right did he have to say that, anyway? But nothing better came to mind.

"It's just one of many forms of love" Komaeda answered, "But if you're thinking of romantic love, I suppose, it wasn't at first. No, I wanted you, I did, but..."

And again. He admitted it so casually. _Oh hey, Hinata-kun, remember when you shot me? Yeah, I would have definitely liked to sleep with you then._

No hesitation. Who was the shameless one here, again?

"That's just what you felt for the idea of me" Hajime protested, "I won't pretend to understand your, um, relationship with the abstract concept of hope. I don't think anyone can understand that fully. But you don't believe in Izuru anymore, do you?"

He was about to say something he was truly scared of. But he felt like he needed to.

"Komaeda, I'm not the Ultimate Hope. I never really was" he sighed, "I am still the talentless Hajime Hinata. No matter how many skills I covered myself with, how much I tried to pretend. It was never about talent, anyway. I just wanted to feel useful. Pathetic, isn't it?" he smiled a little, "I was...everything you hate. Talentless. Pointless. A waste of space. Becoming Izuru didn't change any of that, in the end."

He realized he got way too into that, but well. It weighed on his mind, even if he liked to pretend it didn't. He knew he wasn't really useless, his friends needed him, really, everyone needed him, now. But he also realized a while ago it was never about the actual reality of his situation. It was always about his mind.  
It was so ironic. He did all of that to get talent, only to realize it was never what he really needed in the first place. No matter what he did, the insecurities stayed. And whenever he didn't watch himself, they would come spilling back out.

Komaeda had a way of doing that. Making him say way too much. 

"That's not true at all!" 

The boy in question yanked his hands, to the point where they nearly both tumbled into the ocean. 

He looked mad. Actually mad. An angry Komaeda was a rare sight. It still scared Hajime, a little. He never believed in Kazuichi's arson scares, but now he was kind of glad they were standing in the water. 

"Um, I-" Hajime tried to interject.

"Don't you think I know that?!" the other shouted, hands gripping tightly. 

Hajime didn't even have the chance to answer.

"I...hated myself for it" Komaeda spoke quietly, "I despised it. Because even when I knew...I knew...and yet..." 

He trailed off, staring at the ocean beneath them. But then his head snapped back up. He was frowning intently.

"And yet, it happened every time" he said, and Hajime lifted a brow, "Hinata-kun, I've fallen in love with you three times already, you know?"

"Three times?" Hajime blinked, confused.

Komaeda came even closer, water splashing slightly at their knees. His hands were still gripping Hajime's.

"Yes. It was love at first sight" he was speaking quickly, now, so unusually for himself, "At first sight, when I met the most beautiful person I'd thought I have ever seen. When I saw the hope I could never reach before. Kamukura-san, you were everything I ever dreamed of" Hajime startled a little at being addressed by that name, "And I despised myself for it, because I stayed by your side for so long, even in despair. Love prevailed over my purpose..." his eyes lost focus for a moment, "I thought about it, sometimes. When I saw you standing next to _her_. I could have tried, at least. It would have been useless, my hope would never devour yours. But I could have tried. Poison your food or something. Anything" he barely stopped to catch his breath, voice wheezy, "And being killed by you, it would have been the most beautiful end. But I couldn't. Because I wanted to be able to keep watching you. That's how horribly in love I was with Kamukura-san"

Hajime felt overtaken by the other's declaration, distant memories flooding his mind. 

It was frigid cold, that's how that past felt. Every memory of Servant, every look and every smile, they were all so identically unimportant. 

_"I brought food, Kamukura-san"_

_"Of course, this instant, Kamukura-san."_

_"I am so honored, Kamukura-san!"_

Hajime somehow wished they were at least like the simulation. That he could at least hate Servant. Feel anything at all. But there was nothing, and staring at the other's face, shining in the disappearing sun, Hajime vowed to never let that happen again.

What a horrible way to live it had been. 

"And then again" Komaeda smiled, "At first sight, when I met a perfectly average boy on the beach. When I saw undeniable determination and hope shining from within someone who had no right to have it in the first place. You were so unremarkable, and yet, I found you beautiful" he let go of Hajime's hand, now, to touch his cheek instead, "And I hated myself for it because no matter how talentless you turned out to be, I still wanted to stay by your side. I was happy every time you spent time with me, every time you talked to me. How pathetic. Even if I managed to discard everyone else, my love for them soiled by the things I learned, not you. To the very end. Even when my mind was almost gone, when I felt nothing but hatred for that hopeless world we found ourselves in. Even then, I couldn't discard you" he put so much emphasis on that last word.

"I died in love, Hinata-kun. In love with what I was supposed to despise" 

_"But... I know that you don't matter at all, so why do I care about you?"_

Hajime could barely keep up with the other, but he listened to every word, watched every gesture. The hand on his face disappeared, and he missed the touch immediately. He was enchanted, completely. Komaeda did that, sometimes. His flowery monologues were confusing, but as time went on, Hajime found he couldn't stop listening. 

"And again" the other stared at the horizon. The sun had finally set, moonlight starting to envelop both of them. It reflected in Komaeda's eyes when he turned around to face him.

"At first sight, when I saw a hand reach out to me and pull me into the sunlight. When I saw someone I knew already, and it was you, it was all you. And I couldn't refuse you anymore, however selfish that was of me. In the end, Hinata-kun, you really turned out to hold the greatest hope. My instinct didn't fail me at all" he smiled, "You were nothing, an absolute epitome of the sort of person I thought shouldn't exist. Like me. But you _wanted_ more. You demanded it. You did the things I never dared to, never even allowed myself to think about. I considered you arrogant, thought you didn't know your place. But you climbed and climbed, ignoring all rules, all of that world order I thought was absolute" he laughed a little, "The hope within you, Hinata-kun..." it made Hajime recall a distant memory, "You shined forward even in absolute darkness. I realized, then. You were exactly what I was always searching for" his hands were shaking a little, "You achieved what I couldn't. And then, you reached your hand out to me, despite everything I've said and done. You still tried to understand me and spent time with me when no one else did"

He looked thoughtful, for a moment, most likely as lost in memories as Hajime was. And there were so many, the other was now realizing. He imagined, for a moment, a world where he and Komaeda never spent time together. Where Hajime never forgave him, never reached out his hand.  
A world without all of these seemingly pointless conversations, silly arguments, mocking laughter, weird activities.

It would be alright, wouldn't it? Hajime had so many friends. He was capable, responsible, and supported by others. He didn't need to fall in love, and yet. A world like that...

Felt frightfully empty.

"That's why I ended up like this, you know" Komaeda's voice almost sounded like he was complaining, "If Hinata-kun was like everyone else, I could just admire him from afar. But you kept coming back, no matter how hard I tried to...force you to go away..." he went quieter, "No matter what I did. It's still my fault, of course, for having such weak will but...Hinata-kun makes being selfish so easy..."

Hajime wondered if it was normal to fall in love with someone just because you liked spending time with them. Was that it? 

Was it that simple from the start?

Komaeda looked back up now, more confidently. His voice was steady, such a rare thing, as he spoke again.

"Hinata-kun, you...are my Ultimate Hope" 

Hajime didn't like that title, sometimes. When people called him that, he wanted to tell them, go look for Naegi or something. He didn't feel like he deserved it. He wasn't even a proper Ultimate, in the end. With the atrocities he'd caused, what sort of hope was he?

But the way Komaeda said it, the implication, it caused a warm feeling to wash over Hajime. The fondness in the other's voice was almost scary, so strong, so palpable. 

It was too much, it was all too much. It was nothing like what he expected. He really did get this all wrong. He was ashamed, almost, of how he'd thought of Komaeda's feelings before. Hajime was _loved_ , there was no denying that. So, so much. His own feelings almost seemed inadequate in comparison to that. 

For a moment, standing with water up to his knees, with sand under his feet and a starry sky above him, Hajime felt like the most important person in the world.

_My Ultimate Hope._

He couldn't take it. He wanted to hide his face in his hands and pretend he wasn't there. Dammit, was there a limit as to how sappy Komaeda could get?

"Hinata-kun..." Hajime was forced to stare into those muddy eyes again, because well, what else was there to stare at.

"I...I had no idea" his throat was dry as he spoke.

"You're really oblivious, aren't you?" Komaeda laughed, a familiar teasing tone, "As expected of a reserve course..."

And Hajime realized then, why it didn't make him mad anymore. Because there was a feeling hiding behind those taunting words, an understanding known now only to him. 

"Well, you fell in love with one..." he smirked a little, despite everything.

"I did" 

Komaeda fell forward, hugging Hajime again.

He was trying to hide his face, the other realized, and frankly, he was grateful. He was feeling the same thing himself. Although being closer to Komaeda wasn't exactly helping. Ah, whatever. If he was going to get a heart attack, at least he'd die happy. 

"So I guess I..I have been in love with Hinata-kun for a very long time" Komaeda murmured, "I was...afraid of ever saying it properly. Because...if you forgave me, if...you got too close, you would get caught up in my luck"

It hurt, Hajime felt it almost physically. He wished he'd realized sooner, he wished he'd known, and at the same time, he couldn't fault Komaeda for not saying anything. The other was scared, the fear was unmistakable in his voice. 

He wanted to hold him stronger, to make up for all the times the other must have wished for it. It was a little terrifying, being adored this strongly, but it also made him so happy. This was all so new, and so intense, all of a sudden. 

"But Hinata-kun refuses to go away" the other sighed, "I suppose I'm tired of trying, now. But you can't go blaming me when we both die a horrible death, okay? Even though it will be my fault..."

He stopped for just a moment, only to continue again.

"That was what I was scared of the most. That Hinata-kun would hate me. But that was also what I needed to make happen. And you...instead, you..." 

Just that same day, Hajime was worrying if he wore the right shirt, if his hair wasn't too messy, if the moment was right. If he would get to say that he liked Komaeda. It all seemed so silly and unimportant, now.  
Because he was standing there, the other in his arms, having said and heard so much more than he ever expected.

Mikan was right. He didn't need to know anything. And no one could have explained this to him. There were no words to explain this feeling.

"Komaeda, I-" he stumbled, grabbing onto the other again, "I'm so happy you told me"

"Is that so...?" the other mumbled.

They parted again, still holding hands. 

"I...I want to do this" Hajime wasn't even sure what he was talking about, not fully, "So...you don't have to hide anything anymore. I want you to tell me everything, okay?" 

"I...I don't know if I can..." Komaeda admitted, looking away.

"That's fine" Hajime shook his head, "Just...whatever you can. You don't have to say everything at once" 

He was the one keeping silent, now, but it wasn't long.

"I could never hate you. Even when I thought I should have. And now...now it would be impossible"

The other didn't answer, but looked calmer. Hajime liked that expression. He wished he could see it often from then on.

"Three times...that's...something" he said, circling Komaeda's palm with his thumb.

"Over and over..." the white-haired boy murmured, "No matter how many times I'll meet Hinata-kun again, I'll always fall in love. I don't think there's anything that could change my mind anymore"

"Komaeda..."

"Ah, it's bad..." the other laughed, bringing Hajime's hand up, "It almost hurts sometimes, you know? And now...Hinata-kun saying he likes me...I might die. I think I'm going to die. Mhm, definitely..."

"Why is it always dying with you?" Hajime scoffed, but it didn't conceal him that well anymore.

And for some reason, that was too much. Everything else, that was already extreme, but now a stupid comment tipped him over. 

"Um, I...!" he started.

Komaeda was staring, the sun now completely gone, leaving them with only the stars once again. There was almost no barrier between the sky and the horizon, making it seem like they were floating somewhere in space. Only the warm water and sound of waves reminded them of reality. 

"Let me kiss you again!" Hajime blurted out. 

He caught it like in slow motion, the way Komaeda's eyes widened, the way his lip quivered. He looked away, clearly nervous, and shit, that was cute, too.

Komaeda was in love with him for so long. Just knowing that, everything made so much more sense. And it felt like a broken dam, the other suddenly just couldn't keep any of it to himself anymore. Hajime couldn't even imagine what it must have been like, to pretend for so long. He himself had only realized recently, and it was already getting difficult to be around the other. 

Komaeda must have just accepted it. That's why he didn't believe Hajime. He was so used to thinking his love was forever going to be one-sided. So convinced of it, any other possibility was unacceptable. 

Hajime wanted to take it all away, replace it with a new reality. Just like he always did. 

"Hinata-kun doesn't have to ask..." Komaeda murmured, barely audible against the waves. 

And then Hajime was nervous again. They both were, somehow, as if they were meeting in the middle for the first time. Komaeda leaned forward at the same time Hajime did, now. Their hands still linked, they stared at each other for a moment.

Hajime wasn't sure who moved first, in the end.

The next thing he thought was, _this is what a first kiss feels like._

It was nothing like before. It started so light Hajime almost didn't register it, both of them hesitant, careful. As it deepened, it was still gentle, so slow, so sweet. He couldn't quite believe how different it felt. But this was good, too. Really good, actually. 

Komaeda's lips trembled a little against his own, just as warm as they were before. Hajime was getting antsy, kind of regretting he couldn't put his hands in the other's hair. It smelled so nice from up close.  
He settled for intertwining their hands even more, feeling Komaeda's palms squirm, his fingers curl. Hajime had started breathing through his nose, he didn't want to interrupt this, not even for a second. He wasn't sure if it still counted as one kiss, the way they kept going, touching slowly, again and again. But it might have as well been, because they never pulled away farther than a centimeter.  
Over and over, again, but it was so peaceful, now. None of the urgency was there, replaced by a tenderness Hajime never suspected Komaeda was capable of. He actually would have thought himself even less capable. But it was undeniable, the way their lips almost just brushed sometimes, only to finally connect. The way the other sighed against him, leaning more and more into his space, the waves moving around them. 

It got deeper eventually, Hajime didn't even realize at first. But he was going longer and longer, stronger and more insistent. Komaeda didn't give any resistance at all, following his lead completely, mimicking his movements. Neither of them registered when their bodies aligned flush against one another, when their hands went from intertwined to wrapping around each other. It was a daze, at that point, once again, mindless. Hajime had the urge to bite the other's bottom lip again. He resisted, somehow, but kept grabbing it between his own lips, kept kissing the corners of Komaeda's mouth, kept going and going.

Komaeda exhaled a little every now and then, and Hajime started to realize it had at some point turned into quiet whining. He listened to it intently, a feeling not unlike pinpricks blooming under his skin. Komaeda's voice was so nice. Komaeda's skin was so nice. Komaeda's smell was so nice. Komaeda was...so...nice. 

Komaeda...

He would have probably kept going, warmth spreading over him, but then he felt a quick dart of a tongue on his bottom lip.

And that finally shook him out, because, _oh shit_.

It was a jolt of electricity down his spine, a sudden burning in his skin. He pulled away, realizing his own breathlessness.

He was quickly reminded of a few things. One, they were still standing in shallow water, in the middle of nowhere. Two, they had been there for what was at that point an inappropriate amount of time.

Three, Hajime was still very much affected by Komaeda. Way too much. That was about to go into dangerous territory.

He inhaled slowly, hoping the salt and algae would clear his mind. 

"Um..." he cringed at how hoarse his voice came out, "I think we should..."

Komaeda was staring at him, and once again, _Jesus, Shit, Son of a Bitch._

The white-haired boy was flushed from neck to forehead, visible even in the faint moonlight. His eyes seemed glazed over, pupils dilated seemingly for reasons not only related to darkness. He looked like a mess, blinking repeatedly, unable to focus, breath still kind of heavy. 

Hajime had the strongest urge to keep going. His body felt like it was about to move on its own, tackling the other into the water below, kissing and biting and-

_Dangerous territory, Hajime. Extremely dangerous territory!_

"We should go back! It's gotten dark! Yeah!" he couldn't keep his voice down, looking away.

Komaeda seemed to finally snap out of it a little. 

"Ah...Hinata-kun is right"

_Don't sound disappointed, dammit, that just makes it more difficult._

Hajime was horribly embarrassed at his own lack of self-control. What was he, a dog in heat? Sure, he'd just admitted his feelings, and also heard the object of his affection return them in what was probably the most extreme declaration ever. But that didn't mean he had to go and-

"Hmmm...but how do we get back?" Komaeda mused, touching his bottom lip absently, "It's really dark now..."

"What do you mean?" Hajime questioned, extremely glad for the distraction in conversation. 

"I've never stayed here at night" the other replied, "I don't think I will be able to find my way back if I can't see. Besides, that would be dangerous, right? Climbing in the dark...we could slip and fall..."

Hajime recognized a familiar note there. Komaeda was still worried about his luck. To be fair, the excuse wasn't entirely ridiculous this time, at least. It probably was a little dangerous to try and go back that way in the dead of the night. 

Hajime considered it for a moment, and watching Komaeda look around vigilantly, the decision wasn't hard.

"Alright" he nodded, "Then, we're going to swim"

"S-Swim?" Komaeda furrowed his brows.

"Yes" Hajime looked over to where he could now kind of make out the shore on the other side of the cliff, "It's not far at all"

It didn't matter, anyway. Hajime could do some serious distance. 

"That's...um, I'm not sure..." Komaeda looked nervous.

"I'll take you on my back" Hajime explained, "Don't worry, I can do it no problem. You can wrap your hands around my neck"

Komaeda didn't seem eager. Actually, he seemed very not eager at all.

"It will be fine" Hajime came closer, "I promise. I know what I'm doing"

"Um...what if I...slip?" he was biting his lip again. 

"Okay, then..." 

Hajime started unbuttoning his shirt, but Komaeda stopped him halfway.

"H-Hinata-kun, what-" he was looking away so pointedly it almost seemed theatrical.

The other felt himself heat up a little, but kept going. 

"Just let me show you" he took the garment off, ignoring the implications as best he could, "Get on my back"

He crouched in the water, waiting for Komaeda to get the idea. The other was clearly still questioning it, but after a moment, he felt another body lean on him, slowly.

And oh, this was a horrible idea. As usual, he dug his own grave. It was getting comical by this point. But he had to persevere, now, even if the warm weight against him felt like it was eating away at his sanity. 

"Put your hands around my neck" he instructed.

Once the other did as asked, Hajime proceeded to wrap the shirt around his wrists, tying a knot between them. 

"Now there's no way you'll slip off" he nodded, tugging on his handiwork to prove it's sturdiness, "Just tell me if anything starts to feel uncomfortable"

He felt the other squirm a little against him.

A horrible, horrible idea. 

"O-Okay..." Komaeda murmured, and shit, he was perfectly close to Hajime's ear, "Hinata-kun sure is good with those knots..."

"Shut it" he tried his best to ignore how nice the other's voice sounded then, "And hold on tight"

Hajime dove forward, eager to have the water take some of Komaeda's warmth off of his back. 

He didn't like swimming in clothes, well, he was technically only wearing shorts, but it was still uncomfortable. They weren't swimming trunks, not at all. Komaeda probably had it worse with his skinny jeans. 

Thankfully, the way really was short. The other boy kept surprisingly quiet throughout, holding onto Hajime like he was genuinely terrified a typhoon would come and sweep them away. 

He kept holding on as they made it to shore, and Hajime just sort of naturally grabbed him by the legs, supporting his weight. And then, he thought, he didn't feel like undoing the knot. It was dark and they were wet, they should just get to the cottages quickly. Yeah. 

Excuse as good as any other.

So he didn't put Komaeda down, instead carrying him on his back the entire way. The other didn't voice a single complaint, wrapping his legs around Hajime. 

Warm, wet, and generally way too close. Hajime tried to ignore his back so hard he wondered if he'd lose feeling in it altogether. 

"Do you have the k-" he started, maneuvering around to try and open the door to Komaeda's cottage with one hand. 

But then he pushed it, and it opened with no resistance. He frowned a little. Didn't they lock it...?

"Oh, how lucky" Komaeda laughed.

Hajime rolled his eyes a little as they entered, the other boy still planted firmly to him like a monkey. 

It must have appeared a little funny, considering Hajime was a centimeter shorter than him. Komaeda definitely looked too large to be carried around. But he felt like nothing, with how skinny he was. To be fair, that was also Hajime's ridiculous strength. 

He wondered if he could bench-press Komaeda. Probably, yeah. 

That was a weirdly appealing thought. He decided to put it away into the special corner of his mind where the banished ideas went. Begone.

"There we go" he unwrapped his wet shirt, freeing Komaeda's wrists.

The other finally had his feet back on the floor, staring at it with dissatisfaction.

"We're dripping on the panels..."

Hajime snorted a little. Of course Komaeda would be bothered by that. 

"Take your clothes off, then" he ushered.

Komaeda stared at him.

"...in the bathroom. The bathroom, Komaeda"

"Ah"

The other slammed the door behind him with what was definitely too much force, born from awkwardness.

That was a moment. Hajime realized they were probably going to have a lot of those. 

The air between them changed, permanently. They were drifting on completely new waters, uncharted, as far as Hajime knew. Because, well, he was _allowed_ to like Komaeda, now. The other liked him back. 

Komaeda liked him. Loved him, god, did he say it. Did he ever.

Hajime wasn't prepared for this scenario if he had to be honest. He quite frankly expected his confession to fail.  
Not for Komaeda to reject him outright, but more so, be too scared to even give it a try. He expected the other to withdraw, maybe even stop talking to Hajime altogether, horrified of his luck and the possibility that someone would ever fall for him.

He _was_ still scared, clearly, that much was obvious. But he decided to tell Hajime everything anyway.

He decided to try. Despite his fear, he decided to try.

Komaeda was brave, so much braver than Hajime gave him credit for. He said 'selfish', but if that was selfishness, Hajime wanted him to be as selfish as he could. He wanted him to desire things for himself, again. 

He couldn't exactly go about making that happen in dripping formal shorts, though.

Hajime realized that Komaeda locked himself in the bathroom, basically leaving him just standing there, in wet pants. And, actually, what was he supposed to change into, anyway?

His gaze fell on Komaeda's closet drawers. 

_Bad idea. Bad, bad idea..._

But he didn't want to go to his cottage. Maybe it was lazy, considering how close they were, but thinking about leaving Komaeda alone for even a moment...that wasn't a good thought. Not right then. 

Whatever. He's done dumber things before.

He rummaged around in the drawers, realizing there really wasn't much there he could even consider. He and Komaeda were similar heights, but their builds were quite different. Most of the other's pants seemed way too tight for Hajime. Actually, they seemed way too tight for most human beings. Did Komaeda use oil to get into these or something?

Finally, Hajime spotted what appeared to be one, regular pair of pajama shorts. Well, they weren't regular, exactly - they were patterned with small four-leaf clovers, and unlike all the other pants in the drawer, they weren't black. Hajime realized he'd never seen them before, the light green fabric standing out against all the surrounding black and white. 

Hajime decided it was good enough, and swapped them out for his wet ones as quickly as he could. It was a good thing he hurried, actually, because just moments later, Komaeda came out of the bathroom.

Wearing a towel, and nothing else. Because he forgot to get some dry clothes before he entered.

They stared at each other in silence. Both shirtless, both surprised, and both clearly not knowing where to look.

"Um, I-" Hajime spoke quickly, "I'm borrowing your clothes, alright? Cause, um, I don't want to. Don't want to sleep in wet pants-"

"Hinata-kun is staying here?" Komaeda questioned.

"If...you let me?" Hajime actually got worried for a second.

"Of course" the other smiled, "Hinata-kun can stay whenever he wants"

Whenever he wants. 

He felt a little pang of joy at that. He was welcome in Komaeda's cottage, welcome in his space. He could stay, in the literal sense, too. 

"Right...um, I'll just..." 

Hajime turned around, letting the other change. It felt kind of stupid, to be doing something like that. He had seen Komaeda naked plenty of times, why was he getting weird about it now?

He knew why. 

"Hinata-kun..." he heard laughter behind him, "Are you embarrassed?"

_Of course I am._

Hajime felt himself frown a little, even though the other couldn't see him. Dammit, why did Komaeda sound so casual about it? 

"Shut it and put some clothes on"

He heard Komaeda follow his advice, the towel falling to the floor, the drawers opening. And shit, this was almost worse, somehow. 

Because he technically couldn't see anything, but he could hear it, and staring at a wall, not doing anything in particular - it was easy to imagine things. Things like a very naked Komaeda wandering around just behind him.  
He listened to Komaeda's bare feet shuffle around on the floor, the ruffling of fabric. He must have been putting pants on. Actually, he slept in boxers, didn't he?

Hajime wished his oversensitive hearing would just go fuck itself. 

The shirt was next, Hajime could almost see how it slid down Komaeda's chest, how he pushed his head in, how his hair got ruffled- 

_Stop that, what is wrong with you._

"Um? Hinata-kun...?" Hajime startled when Komaeda poked him in the back with his finger, "How long are you going to be standing there?"

"Sorry" Hajime turned around, awkward.

The other was smiling calmly, the whole ensemble, white t-shirt and all. Hajime noticed how loose this one seemed, basically the entirety of Komaeda's collarbones exposed. 

"How many of these do you have? Seriously?" he asked, because he couldn't think of anything better.

"I never counted" 

"I borrowed these, is that fine with you?" Hajime asked, pointing to the clover shorts.

Komaeda stared at them for a moment, but then, recognition lit up in his eyes.

"Ah, yes, I don't mind" he stated, "Actually, I don't wear these. They were, um, a gift? I think" he considered, "Mioda-san gave them to me. She said she found them during a shipment and they 'reminded her of me'?"

Sounded precisely like Ibuki. Hajime smiled a bit against his will. The mental imagine of Komaeda receiving a pair of colorful shorts from the girl was pretty funny. She had probably shoved them in his face, too, with little to no explanation. She was like that. Actually, it was a wonder those two didn't hang out more, they both had a similar disregard for appropriate social interaction.

"That would explain it" Hajime nodded, "And I'm assuming you didn't wear them because you didn't want to ruin them by accident?"

The other's small shrug said enough. 

_He's kind of sweet in his intentions sometimes, isn't he?_

"Right...should we...?" 

Hajime turned around towards the bed, but Komaeda looked hesitant. He was standing close to the cage, now, running his fingers along the steel bard absentmindedly.

Hajime sighed. 

"Hinata-kun doesn't have to..." Komaeda murmured, but the plea in his voice was clear.

"It's fine" Hajime relented, "I'll live. But let's make a deal"

The other's head snapped back up to him, then.

"I sleep in there tonight, but you'll let me get you a new mattress tomorrow. Alright?"

"...okay" Komaeda nodded.

"Great"

That entire interaction was remarkably domestic. Like they were a married couple trying to negotiate who got to sleep on the better side of the bed or something. Hajime noticed they had a tendency to get like that. Was it him? It was mostly him, probably.

The lights were off, and Hajime did groan just a little when he squeezed into the cage. 

"How kind of you..." 

Komaeda seemed to almost shine in the dark, his smile made visible only by the faint moonlight coming from the window. They were laying down facing each other, as far away as the narrow mattress allowed. Hajime knew they would probably wake up tangled together again, anyway, but he felt obliged to at least pretend.

Although, there was no more reason to, was there?

They both knew. There were no more secrets, not of this nature, anyway. And yet, when he looked at Komaeda, his hair reflecting light, his eyes sleepy and glistening in the darkness, he felt just as nervous as before. Hajime had assumed confessing would make this disappear. But it didn't, not at all. 

It changed, though. Now, he was nervous in a giddy way. Hajime was still scared, still unsure of so many things. But it was all overlayed by a blanket of excitement, happiness, the heavy feeling in his stomach finally gone.  
Because liking Komaeda was no longer a guilty thought. He wanted to avert his eyes out of habit, but he didn't _have_ to. This was allowed. This was okay. 

It was okay. He wanted Komaeda to understand that, too.

"Nothing kind about it. I...like this" he spoke quietly, smiling at the other, "I like you"

The reaction was almost immediate. The other went from pale to pink in seconds, the flush barely recognizable in the darkness. He covered his face with his hands, one of the fingers moving away so he could stare at Hajime. 

_Stop being cute, dammit._

"Hinata-kun shouldn't like me..." Komaeda shook his head a little, looking away.

"But I do" Hajime countered, "And there's nothing you can do about it"

There was nothing Hajime could do about it anymore, either. He fell hard, he fell far, and he didn't even want to look for a way back anymore.

"Hmph..." the other let his hands fall again, and they just so happened to land right on Hajime's.

Hajime let it happen. He let their fingers intertwine, he let their bodies get just a bit closer. 

"This is bad..." the other repeated his mantra, clearly already falling asleep, "We're all going to...to..."

"We're all going to be okay" Hajime squeezed his hands.

Komaeda was still scared, fighting sleep. Hajime couldn't blame him. If he was even as half as happy as Hajime was in that moment, it was no wonder he'd be afraid. 

_"I have to suffer for the happiness I experienced"_

Luck was a weird thing. Hajime wondered what would happen now, when both of them got so lucky. Maybe everything. Maybe nothing at all. Maybe this was just what life was like, now.

No good luck, no bad luck, no hope, no despair. In that moment, it was just Hajime and a pretty boy, laying together in a cage.

"Going to be...okay..." Komaeda repeated, his eyes closing.

And Hajime looked at him, now. At the boy who fell in love with him three times. Who loved every iteration of him, in every way. From Kamukura-san, to Hinata-kun, to _his Ultimate Hope_.  
From obsession, adoration, reverence, to a shy love, a denial, a painful, distant longing, to finally - this comfortable warmth. To familiarity. 

Over and over again.

Whether Hajime turned out to be hope, or despair, or in the end, neither - the other fell for him every time. 

"Goodnight, Komaeda"

He could say it, he realized, he never got to do that before. But it was fine now. They weren't next to each other because they were exhausted and confused, this wasn't going to be another one of those nights where Hajime would worry if he would regret the things he said once morning came.

He could wake up next to Komaeda tomorrow, and for the first time, there would be no lie in it.

"Good...night..." the other mumbled. 

Hajime moved just a little closer again, watching the white-haired boy. Komaeda's breaths were shallow, his face softening. He looked asleep already, pale lashes casting shadows over porcelain skin. But then, just as Hajime was about to close his own eyes, the other's mouth moved again, slowly.

"Ha...ji...me..."

Then he was out like a light, not that it mattered.

Because Hajime's heart was pounding, his state altered in seconds. He was wide awake now, his face burning, his entire body rigid. Gone were the soft, sleepy feelings, replaced by a flood of emotions.

_Hajime, Hajime, Hajime..._

It repeated in his head, every syllable distinct. He was burning it into his brain, desperately. Komaeda's voice was so quiet and delicate, but there was no mistaking what he said. It almost still sounded in the room, over and over.

Hajime already knew he wouldn't sleep much that night at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that concludes the "nerds try to express their feelings with waves.mp3 in the background" section of this work!  
> komaeda had been holding that confession for a long ass time lmao no wonder he went hard  
> go tell him cloud boy, that oblivious ass underestimated the level of your gay yearning hshshs
> 
> btw, this fic is going by 'canon' that includes "zettai kibou birthday" and "zansakura -zanka-"! so if you have never read the translations/interpretations to these, i would recommend it - some of komaeda's dialogue here correlates to them, and will in the future. 
> 
> ah, just as a side note, in japanese komaeda would have used "aishiteiru (愛している)" during his confession, the same way he actually does in game  
> this is kind of a strong word, it's rarely said casually and most people don't use it often  
> so that's why hajime was double embarrassed shshshs
> 
> if you think this was an extraordinary amount of sappy bullshit...you're right  
> living up to that fluff tag 
> 
> yes, hajime wears button-ups and formal shorts on the daily  
> this is the dude that didn't loosen his fucking tie once during a weeks-long murder massacre  
> he clearly has priorities


	14. Tearing mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagito finds himself entering a new reality, and it's as hard to process as it is exciting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just checking in to remind everyone of that explicit rating...just in case!!  
> also, this chapter is a bit of a surprise! hope you enjoy it <3

The feeling was confusing, for a moment.

His palms were placed against something warm, the texture of it familiar. But it didn't ring a bell entirely, not at first. 

_What is that?_

The bed was comfortable, and he was way too cozy to open his eyes yet. He didn't sleep well often, and especially not at night. Considering the light he could sense behind his eyelids, it must have been morning. This was unusual. He rarely slept uninterrupted until morning.

He inhaled a little instead, shuffling around. Wait.

He knew that smell.

Wanting to confirm his suspicions, the boy moved his fingers a little on whatever it was he was leaning against. The texture was soft, but the object itself was firm. Or was it?  
Almost as if on impulse, he squeezed a little.

"Mhm...?"

Hearing a small voice sound out close to him, it finally clicked in his head.

_Ah._

He had died after all.

Nagito Komaeda was dead.

He wasn't surprised, after all, he expected this. He did let himself get carried away last night, admittedly, Hinata's passionate words got to him just a little. For a moment he even believed that maybe, just maybe, they were safe. That maybe nothing bad would happen. But in the end, as usual, he was right again. 

There was a pang of disappointment in his chest, but he smothered it, nuzzling closer to the warmth in front of him instead.

Nagito wasn't angry at this outcome, really, it was about time. The fact he didn't remember _how_ he died was a little strange. He had always assumed one would recall such an event in vivid detail. But maybe that wasn't how it worked. Not that any of this mattered. It was probably a stupid cause anyway, like getting hit in the face with a meteorite.

Or something.

There did come a thought, for a second, _what about him._ Worry crept into Nagito's mind, but he let it come out the other way. Nothing he could do about that now. 

Hinata was strong. He probably survived. Nagito did wonder, for just a second, if the other was sad about his death. His first instinct told him, no, of course not. But he reconsidered it. Hinata said he liked him...so maybe? Just a little bit?

He'd get over it eventually.

What Nagito _was_ surprised by, was the fact that he went to heaven. He didn't expect this. Well, actually, he didn't really expect anything after death at all. If he had to imagine something, he would have said it would just be a small, dark room full of spiders. Fitting enough for someone like him.

There was no point in dwelling on it. Somehow, he got into heaven, so he might as well enjoy this.

Because what else could this be apart from heaven, laying down hugging what was undoubtedly _Hinata's torso_?

Content to get started on that whole eternal bliss thing, Nagito wrapped his hands even tighter against the other, nuzzling his face into him. Hinata's chest was just as he always imagined it, both squishy and firm, in just the right places. He smelled amazing, too. It was completely perfect, exactly as he wanted.  
Well, it made sense, this was just a projection made by his own mind. Or something. He actually didn't know how heaven worked.

Should have probably read up on religion more while he was alive. Ah, whatever.

Fake Hinata moved a little against him, and Nagito hummed contentedly. The brown-haired boy had a specific musk, just a whiff of it enough to make Nagito grateful for whatever it was that brought him here. He didn't remember doing any good deeds, not really, but it clearly must have been something big, for a reward like this. 

His own personal Hinata, ready to spend an eternity being hugged and snuggled into. Yes, this was definitely heaven.

"...um?"

Wow, he even sounded accurate. Whoever was in charge of celestial customer satisfaction was really good.

Nagito was squishing his cheek against Hinata's chest. It was remarkably hot, he recalled the actual Hinata indeed always feeling like a human heater. A great coincidence, since Komaeda was quite cold most of the time. 

"K-Komaeda? Hey, um..."

The boy in question was enjoying the voice sounding above him, wondering if he had to reply. Probably not? This Hinata wasn't real, so he wouldn't care. Nagito opted for running his hands along the other's back, instead, feeling the muscles. They seemed very...tense. 

"K-Komaeda, w-wake up? It's morning..."

That didn't sound very appealing at all. Maybe this Hinata was a little too accurate, actually. Just as bothersome as the real thing.

Nagito liked it.

"Hey. You're awake, right? There's no way you're not awake..."

Nagito replied by nuzzling his nose in between Hinata's pecs. The resulting noise of surprise gave him an idea. He smiled a little against the other's sternum, before he gave it a small kiss. And then another. And another. Hinata seemed to stir quite violently, but this was too nice for Nagito to be bothered.

It tasted nice, too. He liked the saltiness of the other's sweat. Was that disgusting? Probably a little. But he didn't have to care anymore. He could just keep doing this for eternity. 

Well, if eternity were to last exactly half a second, that is.

Because there was a loud yelp, and then the warmth in his grasp was gone. He felt the other shuffle away. 

"Mrm....what..." Komaeda finally spoke, opening his eyes.

The fake Hinata was sitting on the verge of the mattress, covering his chest like a woman who got walked on in a dressing room. His eyes were wide, his mouth hanging slightly open.

 _How pretty_ , Nagito thought.

This heaven thing was the real deal, his Hinata looked perfect. Exactly like the original, down to the freckles on his shoulders and the mismatched eyes, down to the stupid, spiked hair. The one big strand that always seemed to stick up no matter what was in place, too. Absolutely perfect. Nagito smiled a little.

"Aren't you supposed to listen to me? Hmm, well, I guess I wouldn't want that, not really...this is more accurate" he mused, "I like it when Hinata-kun gets flustered..."

The intended effect achieved, he thought, as he saw Hinata get progressively redder. For how confident he sometimes seemed, he sure was easily embarrassed.

Confident, huh? Nagito shivered a little, thinking. He wondered if this Hinata got like _that_ , too. Well, considering he was going to spend the rest of time here, he would probably have time to find out.

"Komaeda, what-" Hinata seemed to finally snap out of his embarrasment, narrowing his eyes at the other, "What...just, what?"

Nagito shrugged, stretching himself. When he lifted his hands up above his head, he felt them hit something hard and cold.

_Steel?_

"...are you sick? Is there something wrong?" the familiar worry made its way into the other's voice.

There was a warm hand on Nagito's forehead in an instant. The other was staring at his face intently, looking for signs of distress.

"I don't think dead people can get sick, Hinata-kun" Nagito laughed quietly, enjoying how the morning light danced in the other's eyes.

_Morning?_

"D-Dead pe-" Hinata retracted his hand, frowning, "Komaeda...you're not dead. What are you talking about?"

"We don't have to play that game" Nagito scoffed at the other, "Is this some kind of a purgatory thing or something? I won't leave until I realize how I died?" he considered "Well, I don't want to leave. I don't care at all"

Hinata was frowning so hard it seemed like his eyebrows would fuse together. It was a little funny. Nagito smiled again, which only seemed to confuse the other further.

"Komaeda, what the fuck were you dreaming about?" Hinata shook his head, "Did you drink too much saltwater? Please tell me you're not feeling nauseous"

_Dreaming? Saltwater?_

Nagito blinked a couple of times, attempting to focus. Saltwater. Dreaming. Morning. _Saltwater...?_

Now that he looked more intently, there were steel bars standing tall behind Hinata's form. And behind those, the inside of a cottage. Soft light was coming in from the open window, large white curtains moving slowly with the breeze. 

Everything smelled of familiarity, of warm sun and blankets and old cookie wrappers. 

This didn't feel like heaven. This felt like...

"Um. Hinata-kun..." Nagito swallowed a little, finally feeling his sleepiness starting to melt away, "I'm...not dead?"

Hinata was probably the closest a human being would ever get to a perfect combination of disbelieving and disappointed.

"No, you're not dead, Komaeda" he sounded like he didn't believe he was saying it, "A fact which is pretty obvious since you're, I don't know, laying there and talking to me?"

'There' was not a luxurious bed made out of clouds and angel tears, as Nagito previously assumed, but an old pool mattress covered in blankets. There was a stack of books to his right, and he could make out a tray with empty bowls left just outside the cage. Someone must have hit it accidentally, because the dirty chopsticks had rolled away. One of them was resting near the foot of the bed.

The bed. The room. The cage. 

"Hinata-kun...um..."

Yeah, he did wonder why heaven smelled distinctly of the homemade laundry detergent everyone on the island used. 

He wasn't dead. This wasn't a fake Hinata. This was all very real.

Nagito laughed nervously, realizing his position.

He remembered it all now. 

He had taken Hinata to his secret beach, as thanks, but also, to say goodbye. He intended on ending this. He was tired, too exhausted to keep going with whatever they were doing. His restraint was getting worse, if this continued, he would just ruin everything anyway. He wanted to end it on his own terms, at least. Right then and there, Nagito wanted to make Hinata despise him like he was always supposed to. 

One first and last kiss, to break the dream forever.

But it didn't. Hinata went against his expectations, throwing him for a loop so hard Nagito completely lost sight of his initial goal.  
It wasn't the first time that happened. 

And everything after that was too intense for him, even the memory instantly making him sit up, almost shivery from the emotions. It was so much. Hinata kissing him, Hinata saying all these things, Nagito saying even more back to him. The burning sunset, the soft waves, being carried back, Hinata's warmth, the saltwater.

Falling asleep together.

"I was...dreaming" he spoke, cold dread slowly washing over him.

"So it would seem" Hinata had a ghost of a smile on his lips now, "And it must have been one vivid dream. You were completely out of it"

Nagito wrapped his own arms around himself, staring at the floor of the cage. 

He wasn't dead, and everything that happened was real. There was a moment of joy, an electric feeling blooming in his chest. 

They survived the night. Nagito was alive, and so was Hinata. Nothing happened. Nobody died. Morning was here, and everything was still okay.

Morning. Nagito always liked that word, he liked that moment. He wasn't sure why. Maybe it was a habit, after his many times in the hospital. He was in and out of it ever since he was a child, at least as far as he could remember, his luck making him get into accidents frequently. And there was a rule in the hospital. 

Nights were a bad thing. At night, the pain got worse, the fever got higher, the hallucinations became more vivid. At night, you were alone, left with the beeping machines and the breathing apparatuses. In the dark, there was nothing to shield you from the fear that you could keep at bay during the day. 

Despair grew the quickest in darkness.

But if you survived the night, the doctors were happy. People would show up. Just for one more day, everything would be okay again.

That's why Nagito always liked mornings best. He had trouble getting up, often, but he liked laying in bed, watching the sun rays dance behind his closed eyelids, listening to morning birds. It was a small moment of victory, back when he still cared about his own survival. Another morning, another day. Another chance for things to get better.

He stopped believing that they ever would, eventually. He accepted his role in life, his own uselessness in the face of fate. But he still liked mornings. Somewhere, in the deeper parts of his brain, the association remained. 

Mornings were good. Mornings were hopeful.

"Hey, Komaeda" Nagito felt a hand fall over his own, "Are you alright?"

He blinked a couple of times, lifting his head up to stare at Hinata. 

The other had a worried expression still, leaning towards him. Now that he realized, it was obvious this had to be real. Not even heaven could reproduce Hinata this perfectly. He was too pretty to be anything but the original.

Also still shirtless, which made it a little difficult to focus on answering the question.

"...yes?" Nagito finally stuttered out, trying to keep eye contact.

"You don't sound like it" the other frowned a little, "What did you dream about, anyway? Was it another nightmare?"

_Nightmare?_

Nagito bit his lower lip, looking away. 

"Not at all" he admitted, "It was...pleasant"

"You thought you died and it was 'pleasant'?" Hinata lifted an eyebrow, "I guess I shouldn't be surprised"

The other kept silent, because, well, he didn't exactly want to reveal precisely what his imagination conjured up for him. And also, he was getting really nervous now. 

Covering his face with his hands, he cursed himself inwardly. He'd fondled Hinata like it was nothing for way too long, just because he couldn't bother to think logically for a second. He wanted to blame it on his luck, but at this point, it was just stupid. Why the hell did he do _that_?

What a stupid, stupid, useless person he was.

"I got a little surprised, that's all" Hinata laughed awkwardly, "I think it might actually have something to do with your condition? I noticed it takes you a while to wake up properly, and you're kind of slow in the mornings. I should get a reading on that sometime..." he trailed off, staring at Nagito.

The boy in question was determined to try and stay as unobtrusive as possible. He didn't suspect Hinata would get mad, he was too nice for that, but he must have been disgusted, at least. It was best to apologize quickly and get out of his way. Yeah-

"Hey" the white-haired boy felt a hand on his chin, "Komaeda, look at me"

His head was brought back up, pale eyes meeting mismatched ones.

"I don't know what you're thinking about" the other spoke, "But I have a feeling it's something self-deprecating again"

"I'm very sorry, Hinata-kun" Nagito finally got his voice to work, "That must have been a horrible experience for you. I have no excuse for my loathsome actions-"

"And I'm stopping you right there" Hinata placed a finger on his lips, silencing him.

Nagito only stared at him, compliantly quiet. He could recognize well when Hinata was disapproving, and even if his mind was screaming at him to apologize properly, he knew better. 

"Komaeda" the other sure was repeating his name a lot that day, "It's completely fine. I was just caught off guard. It wasn't your fault, you were clearly...not all there. Besides, well..." he looked away for a moment, now, face losing some confidence, "I um...didn't mind. Actually it was kind of...nice..." the last word was so quiet Nagito almost didn't catch it. 

It was said just to make him feel better, it must have been, but still, Nagito couldn't quite hide his joy. Just even allowing himself to pretend like anything he did to Hinata could be nice...

"Stop that" 

He got snapped out of his thoughts by the other, who inched closer again. He was frowning quite intently.

"Stop...what?" Nagito inquired.

"You're making the face" Hinata explained.

"What face?" 

"The face you make when you're thinking about how you don't deserve anything" Hinata's voice was annoyed, "That one"

"Ah, Hinata-kun knows me so well..." Nagito laughed, "But it's true, isn't it? For Hinata-kun to say such kind things to me...that's..."

"Nothing kind about it" Hinata repeated his words from last night, "Actually..."

There was a moment of silence, stretching out for what seemed like an eternity. The other was centimeters away from his face now, the intensity of his gaze making Nagito shiver. Hinata had this kind of aura about him, an aura that demanded attention. His eyes were so kind, normally, it was almost scary how quickly they darkened, how easily his demeanor changed. To some, it might have almost seemed like he became a different person altogether, but to Nagito, it was the opposite. Only like this, only in this duality, did he recognize his Ultimate Hope.

He still couldn't believe he got to witness this. It was just his luck, to fall in love with the same person again and again. 

"Can I..."

The question wasn't fully there this time, the brown-haired boy visibly more preoccupied with tracing patterns on Nagito's lips. The other already wanted to close his eyes, focus on nothing but the touch. He nearly gasped when Hinata's finger slipped a little into his mouth, brushing against his teeth. 

His brain was slowly turning onto different waves, echos of protests getting quieter.

"Hinata-kun doesn't have to-"

He didn't get to finish, because Hinata's finger was replaced with his lips.

_Ah._

It felt just as nice as last night. Nagito thought it would probably always feel just as special, no matter how many times it happened. He still couldn't quite believe it, all the sensations came with a delay because he was unable to process this properly. 

Hinata kissing him. Hinata liking him. Hinata actually wanting him. 

It was unfathomable, it really was, but he promised to believe the other, so he had to try. Even if his brain couldn't comprehend it, he let it happen. He tangled his hands into the other's hair, feeling its rough texture, the grip helping him keep upright. He was kissing back as best he could, his back pinned against the steel bars.

He didn't know what he was doing, he was far too overwhelmed to control anything about this. But Hinata always seemed so forward, so sure of himself. Nagito couldn't exactly voice his protests of 'I'm far too disgusting for you to be doing this' or 'Hinata-kun doesn't have to take pity on me" when his lips were being claimed like it was the only thing the other boy cared about doing. 

It was unfathomable, but in face of such insistence, Nagito had no choice but to trust Hinata's feelings.

Even if Hinata was a good actor, which he was, as good as everything else - this couldn't be acting. Not when his hands were on Nagito's waist, when his breaths were quick and shallow, taken in between kisses. When he was surrounding Nagito like that ocean they were swimming in last night. From every side, nothing but tanned skin and rough hands and dark hair and Hinata, Hinata, Hinata...

Nagito heard himself gasp a little, but it was far away, his mind empty, his heart beating so loudly it drowned out everything else.

"Hinata-kun..." Nagito breathed out, barely audible.

He always had the urge to say the other's name, shout it, even, if he had enough strength for that. It was like a confirmation, that this was all real, that the person in front of him actually was Hinata. 

The words were rewarded with a lick at his bottom lip, and Nagito opened his mouth almost automatically. His hands weren't even moving anymore, stuck gripping at Hinata's hair. He felt like if he let go, he would fall even quicker, letting the other do whatever he wanted. He would, anyway, but the grip was steadying him a little, making him remember that reality was still a thing. It was hard to know that for sure, when Hinata's tongue was in his mouth, warm and wet and _oh god-_

Nagito knew he was probably trembling now, but he couldn't do anything about it. Fighting to keep down his arousal was taking most of his energy, his mind quickly turning to complete mush, even more than it already was.

Hinata did that to him. All of those previous thoughts, of his own uselessness, of the guilt, they were being washed away along with what little remained of his sanity. He just couldn't keep it up, he was too weak, too selfish.

He didn't deserve this, but he also couldn't make himself refuse it anymore, either.

"Mhm..." he whined particularly loud, almost moaned, his leg kicking up into empty air, when Hinata sucked on his bottom lip.

And it seemed to catch the other off-guard, because the warmth dissapeared suddenly.

"Hinata-kun...?" Nagito opened his eyes again, blinking, trying to regain his focus.

Hinata was sitting in front of him, looking away, covering his mouth with his hand. Even so, there was an unmistakable blush on his cheeks, his eyes darting around, their colors just a bit more vivid than usual. He was gripping his own leg with the other hand, nails digging into his thigh. 

"Sorry, I got a little...carried away..." the other's voice was throaty, he coughed awkwardly.

"It's okay...?" Nagito rubbed on his own eyes, trying to steady himself.

"Right! I should take a shower, I'm all...sweaty" Hinata crawled out of the cage in what seemed like extreme hurry.

Which was probably why he hit his head on the upper bars above the cage door. He hissed in pain, rubbing his forehead, but continued steadily towards the bathroom. A man on a mission, apparently. 

"Are you okay?" Nagito stuck his head out of the cage, following the other with his eyes, concerned.

"I'm fine! Completely fine! Peachy!"

The last word was muffled as the other slammed the bathroom door behind himself. 

Nagito was left sitting in the cage, staring at nothing. That was a little...strange. Then again, Hinata did have a tendency to do that. Rile him up and then leave. It usually wasn't his intention, before, at least, but now Nagito couldn't help but start feeling like he was doing it on purpose, just a little.  
Then again, even this much was _too_ much for Nagito. He was already planning on spending the entire next month remembering their first kiss, over and over, probably instead of sleeping. Now he had a lot more material to work with. 

Shaking his head, Nagito crawled out of the cage, heading for the drawers. 

He paused a little while retrieving a t-shirt. It was very white, and for some reason, that made him thoughtful. He'd never considered his wardrobe much, not at all. But Hinata mentioned it so many times. 

White t-shirts weren't fancy, but they were convenient, and Nagito always assumed it was better for him not to take anything someone else might have wanted. He found a bunch of them in one of the shipments, and he'd basically never taken anything else since then. He always thought about how others probably needed all of those elaborate clothes more. 

Button-ups, especially, he avoided. Even if the thought of wearing one and being reminded of Hinata was somewhat appealing. 

Well, technically, he had a button-up, now. He still got giddy thinking about it. He'd stuffed the garment deep into his drawer, desperately wanting to keep it safe, but it was hard to resist wanting to take it out and run his hands through it. It was a black one, too, he always liked Hinata in black. What incredible luck. 

Swapping one white t-shirt for another did make him consider that maybe this was a little weird. 

He just never saw the need to wear anything special, before. He didn't do anything important, or go anywhere important. There was no one who cared about what he looked like, anyway, so what was the point? They were probably glad as long as they didn't have to see him at all.

Except now, there might have been _someone_ who cared. Even if it felt like a traitorous thought, Nagito couldn't help but wonder if Hinata would have liked to see him in something else. He said the button-up looked nice on him. 

He was suddenly regretting he didn't have a mirror in his room. He never felt like he needed one, he knew what he looked like. But now he had an urge to check again. As he was rummaging for pants, he actually stopped to consider which pair of shorts was nicer. There wasn't much difference, not really, but he still narrowed his eyes at them. The ones in his left hand seemed a bit newer, the color still not washed out. They were somewhat short, maybe, but they looked clean, at least.

This felt incredibly silly, to be thinking about stuff like that, but he supposed it made sense. He was new to all of this. To the possibility that someone might be...interested in him. Not just someone, actually, but **Hinata**.

He would never be good enough for Hinata, not only because he was a lousy Ultimate, if he could even consider himself one, but even more so because he was a useless, clingy, generally pathetic person. Yet Hinata chose him, for some reason, so at least as long as that lasted, he was starting to feel like he needed to try. He didn't believe it would help much, something like dressing up or paying attention to his hair. That would be a bit like covering garbage in glitter and hoping it would improve the situation.

But he could maybe get a suit or something? No, he would look stupid in a suit. And where would he wear that to, anyway? A date?

That thought made him cover his face with his hands, an action that was probably idiotic since no one could see him anyway. No way Hinata would ever take him out on a date, as if he wanted to spend even more time in his company.

And normally that would have ended his thought process, but now, there was another voice making itself known in his head. A voice negating these obvious truths, a voice that sounded suspiciously like Hinata himself. 

_"Please let me love you, Komaeda"_

He almost squealed audibly at the memory of it, but it was undoubtedly real. The Hinata of his fantasies was never this direct, not in that way, and more importantly, would never say anything like that. That entire thing was real, fully and completely. 

That's why it was hard to keep up his usual mantra. His mind felt messed up, stirred like someone poked it with a stick and disrupted the carefully arranged balance. The new ideas, popping up one after the other like mushrooms after rain weren't letting up. He swatted them away on instinct, but different ones just grew in their place. It was already becoming hard to keep himself from indulging in them, from believing that _everything would be okay_.

That was a bad thought. He should never think that, never, not ever. He already knew that well, a lifetime of events confirming that it would **never** be okay made sure of it. And yet, one brown-haired boy was enough to shake the very foundations of that truth.

If this continued, Nagito would become entirely too selfish to die. And that thought was scary, horrifying even. He still remembered what that felt like. To think of his own life as something important, to actually fear pain, and death, and destruction. He wasn't old when he stopped doing that. Caring about himself. 

But Hinata made him want to feel that again. Hinata asked if he could stay, and it was making Nagito wish to stay as well. This was too much happiness, too much good luck. It was messing with his brain. He felt torn constantly, the new voice in his head creeping up on him when he'd least expected it.

He groaned a little, stretching himself on the bed. He didn't remember the last time he actually slept on it. He'd been spending all of his nights in the cage, the door locked shut, except for that one he slept at Hinata's, of course. 

It felt so distant, now, even though it was barely yesterday. He woke up that morning thinking it would be the last day he'd spend with the other boy. One last dreamy day, before it would all be over. He savored it, lounging around in Hinata's cottage, laughing at him, playing chess with him. All the while thinking that by the same time the next day, Hinata wouldn't even want to look at him anymore.

And yet here he was, waiting for the other to leave _his_ bathroom.

Which, actually, was taking a long time. Nagito could hear the shower running and realized it's been going for a while. Was the other having trouble setting the water temperature or something? That wouldn't be surprising. With Nagito's luck, it probably got cold, somehow. 

He almost considered knocking, just to make sure the other was okay, but before he could get up, the water finally stopped running. Hinata came out of the bathroom moments later, looking around. 

Wearing nothing but his shorts. His hair was still wet, it looked like he didn't even dry it at all - it was dripping onto his shoulders, droplets of water making their way down his chest. Nagito would pretend like he wasn't staring, but he felt almost like there was no purpose in that, anymore. Hinata must have realized precisely how disgusting he was, at this point, he didn't exactly hide it yesterday. 

And besides, the other seemed preoccupied anyway. He was scanning the cottage intently, his gaze finally landing on the crumpled-up red shirt laying on the floor. He picked up the garment with one hand and scrunched up his nose, realizing it was still damp.

"Damn" he complained, "I forgot to hang it out to dry..."

"You can take something of mine" Nagito proposed immediately.

He regretted it seconds later, realizing all he had were the t-shirts. Hinata clearly didn't like those, right? He would most likely hate wearing-

"Oh, thanks" the other boy nodded, rummaging around in his drawers. 

Nagito lost the thread a little, staring at how the muscles on Hinata's back flexed when he moved his arms. What was he thinking about, again? He was doing something wrong...what was it...

Hinata had freckles near his hips, too. They dusted his lower back, a little peculiarly. Most likely from working long hours in the scorching sun. Nagito vaguely remembered Hinata complaining that some of the girls always got on his case about not wearing enough sunscreen. 

"Uh...it's a bit..." 

Hinata was moving his arms around, the t-shirt he put on clearly stretching in the wrong places.

"A bit tight-" his words were stopped when Nagito snorted.

He couldn't stop himself. The shirt was just the right length, but obviously too small in the chest, despite the fact it was actually oversized on Nagito. The arms didn't quite fit, either. Hinata looked confused, moving around as if he was trying to break the shirt in like new shoes.

"Hey, don't laugh" he narrowed his eyes at Nagito, which only made him want to giggle more, "Not my fault it's too small..."

"Actually, I think Hinata-kun is just too big" the other replied, the smile not disappearing.

"T-That's..." the other looked away, covering his face with his hand, "Don't say it like that..."

Nagito laughed in response, because really, he couldn't do much else.

Hinata was so cute. This still felt like heaven.

"You could just take your shirt? The black one" he finally proposed, even if the idea of giving it back didn't really appeal to him.

"Huh? No, that's..." Hinata shook his head, "That was a...gift. You should keep it"

"How generous of Hinata-kun!"

"Besides...this sort of thing is normal, right?" the other crossed his arms, "Wearing each other's clothes? Since we're...um..."

Nagito felt himself heat up in seconds, and he buried his face into the blankets of the bed. He didn't think they quite concealed whatever dubious noises he was making, but he didn't have it in himself to care.

Hinata even implying that the two of them were _together_ in any way...

He was wrong before. A meteorite and an earthquake would not be enough to make up for this kind of luck. The entire world would have to end, at least. 

"Anyway, I'm gonna go get breakfast" the other said, "You...you're okay, Komaeda?"

When Nagito lifted his head back up, he was greeted with Hinata's face, a few centimeters from his own. 

"Yes?" he nodded slowly.

"Right. That's good" Hinata kept staring at him, "That's...good"

Nagito blinked a couple of times, confused. Hinata looked like he was trying to do something, but his eyes were darting around, his face unsure. Finally, he faced Nagito with what looked like entirely too much determination for how early in the morning it was.

Nagito was brought out of his musings when his bangs were pushed out of his face, and then something warm-

Oh. 

Hinata planted a quick kiss on his forehead, so fast he didn't even have time to properly realize it.

"I'll bring coffee!"

Hinata was out of the door in seconds, almost losing his shoes, and Nagito was left laying on the bed, his brain catching up. When it finally did, all he could do was hide his head under a pillow, more indescribable noises leaving him. If he was an energetic person, he would probably yell, but this was the most he could really muster. 

He didn't quite realize when he stopped squirming around, when his eyelids got heavier. He didn't even think of crawling back to the cage, the softness of the bed enough to make him forget what he was even worried about in the first place.  
And he could still feel Hinata's touch on his skin, just a little. What good luck...

"Sorry, I got held up by-"

A loud slam of the door and someone's voice brought him back. He turned around, rubbing his eyes.

"Ah, sorry" Hinata was taking off his shoes, tray of food in hand, "Did I wake you up?"

"No...yes?" Nagito considered.

He wasn't sure if he fell asleep, actually. 

"I barely made it, but there was still plenty, Teru made sure to wait for me" the other rambled on, "Glad I can wake up on time if I plan on it earlier. A pretty neat ability, if nothing else. I actually brought more food today, I wanted to eat together. Is that alright with you?"

"Um? Sure?" Nagito eyed the tray as Hinata sat down on the bed next to him, "But Hinata-kun...shouldn't you be with the others?"

"I wanted to eat with you today" the other replied, unwrapping a sandwich.

"But..." Nagito complained. 

"I show up every morning, but I've taken food to go more than one time. It's fine. They just think I'm working on something in the workshop again, probably"

"Hinata-kun, you shouldn't leave everyone just to waste your time with me-"

"Stop that or..." the other seemed to get stumped for a moment, clearly trying to think of something, "I'll drink your coffee" 

It was a fairly ridiculous threat, but Hinata seemed intent on rolling with it. He moved his hands dangerously close to what was clearly Nagito's mug. Recognizable mostly by the fact Hinata always chose the same one for him. Light pink, with small cherry blossoms. It was pretty.

"Hinata-kun, you don't like my coffee, do you? You like it completely black..." 

Which, in Nagito's opinion, was a little ridiculous. Hinata drank any and all caffeine in stupid amounts, apparently, his body didn't react to regular doses. Seeing him gulp down half a pot of the darkest brew possible was an experience.

"Yes, I don't. Yet I will not hesitate to drink it if you don't quit saying stupid things" the other nodded, biting into his sandwich.

"How scary..." Nagito laughed, starting to work on his own food.

'Work' was an accurate word for him and mealtimes, in general. Nagito didn't really like food, or rather, he didn't feel very motivated to eat, even more so make it. Food was boring. He did develop somewhat of a sweet tooth, recently, apparently due to his health issues - but he couldn't exactly just devour chocolate all day. 

He'd been eating a bit more in general since Hinata started bringing the food, though. At first, it was entirely to appease the other, even if swallowing everything down was kind of difficult. But as time went on, he got more used to it, and nowadays, he was even somewhat hungry in the mornings. Hinata being there was most likely the reason. Food was boring, but the other always kept him company until he finished, and often some time after. It was easier to eat when he had someone to talk to. Nagito was surprised by how quickly his meals disappeared.

They talked now, too, about everything and anything. These chats reminded Nagito of his time in the hospital, a little. When there was really nothing else to do, he was usually even too weak to read. Sometimes he couldn't even open his eyes. But Hinata was always there, and they talked, quiet, hushed voiced ringing in the mostly empty building. 

It was so different from all his previous times in hospitals. 

When he was very little, he could remember his mother sometimes staying by his bed, although it was hard to even recall her face, nowadays. Some other relatives came by, once or twice, when he got into a particularly nasty accident.  
As he got older, fewer and fewer people were there, not that there were many in the first place. Eventually, the hospital became a place where he knew he wasn't waiting for anyone. He laughed at the nurses whenever they told him the visiting hours.

No one visited Nagito. There was no one left to visit Nagito. 

Maybe that was why recovering took longer and longer as time went by. He stopped feeling like it made any difference. Life outside of the hospital was the same as life inside of it. No one sitting at his bedside, and no one waiting for him when he came back home. The only reason he even tried to get better at all anymore was that he didn't like how the hospitals smelled. And the food was worse than usual.

Besides, if he stayed too long, he would start getting attached to the staff. It wasn't unusual for some freak accident to occur if he wasn't discharged quickly enough. 

"You've been staring at those strawberries like they hold the meaning of existence or something" Hinata waved a hand in front of his face.

"Ah, sorry..." Nagito snapped out of it, "Strawberries?" 

He looked over to the small bowl filled with fruit. They looked nice enough.

"We picked them yesterday" Hinata smiled, "Well, the robots did, we just brought them to the kitchen. Hard work, I tell you"

He laughed a little, bringing a single piece of fruit to his lips. 

"They really are good" the brown-haired boy confirmed, "Eat some, come on"

Nagito eyed the fruit, feeling an idea form in his mind.

He had a lot of those, most of them ranging from bad to worse. It never stopped him from implementing them.

"Hinata-kun should feed me, then" he laughed lightly.

The other choked on a strawberry, and Nagito got a horrible, cold feeling in his gut. But Hinata only flushed it down with coffee, and then stared at him, bewildered.

Normally this would be the appropriate time to retreat, but instead, Nagito felt the urge to keep going.

"You know, you didn't do it back then..." he murmured, "I was really hungry, too. And you just left..."

"T-That's, um-" the other swallowed, "I'm...actually a bit sorry about that. I mean, I can't say it was entirely my fault, you were definitely being...unpleasant. But I shouldn't have left you. That was...irresponsible of me"

That was a horribly serious answer to what was basically just a stupid tease. Hinata was like that.

"You were completely right to leave me, Hinata-kun" Nagito laughed again, "I deserved it! Actually, I passed out from exhaustion pretty quickly after you left, so I didn't even feel much. How lucky-"

"What did I tell you?" the other cut him off, yanking his mug out of his hands, "Say goodbye to your coffee"

He proceeded to drink it in what looked like record time, which made him cough, again. But he kept it all in, drinking water to clear his throat, instead. And then orange juice, when he inevitably choked on the water as well. By the time he was finished there were no beverages left anywhere in the vicinity.

Nagito was impressed by the stubbornness, if nothing else.

"Ah...my coffee" he stared at the now-empty mug.

"That's...what you...get..." Hinata was struggling to form words, his face red and his voice throaty.

"Scary, so scary..." the other laughed, staring at the strawberries again, "Then, will you feed me now, Hinata-kun?"

Normally he wouldn't except the other to say yes, actually, he would expect him to get up and leave, just like he did back then. But things were different now. He looked at Hinata with what he was hoping was a semi-serious expression.

The other's eyes darted between him and the strawberries, and finally, he sighed.

"If...that's what you want? Um..." 

The brown-haired boy picked up a piece of fruit and brought it to Nagito's lips, looking away. He looked back after a moment, though, narrowing his eyes.

"Komaeda" he spoke, "You need to open your mouth"

"Ah"

Nagito compliantly did, capturing the strawberry in his lips. His tongue brushed over Hinata's fingers as he did so, making the other retreat his hand quickly.

"Mhm..." Nagito chewed happily, "That's really good. Thank you, Hinata-kun!"

"R-Right..."

Hinata was pointedly looking away, again, but he grabbed another strawberry. Nagito stared at it, questioning.

"Just take it already" the other insisted.

So Nagito did. And another. Then one more.

Hinata seemed very focused on his task, now staring intently as the other boy chewed his way through what at this point seemed like entirely too many strawberries. But they were good, and Hinata's fingers were warm, and this was all very, very pleasant. So he kept going, the fruit juices making Hinata's fingers sticky. They spilled a little over Nagito's own chin at some point, too, he could feel it, and it was gross - but he didn't want to stop.

Hinata did, however, dragging his thumb over the liquid, scooping it up. When he finished his hand lingered, prodding at Komaeda's lips. 

The white-haired boy didn't need much coaching, actually, everything that happened since morning was enough to get his mind dizzy in seconds. He opened his mouth a little, tongue darting to lap at Hinata's skin.

"Um..." the other's eyes were wide, but he didn't move.

"Hinata-kun got sticky..." Nagito murmured, bringing his tongue out farther to lick at the drying substance.

It was sweet, but watching Hinata stare at him was a lot, lot sweeter.

"God...don't say that..." the other seemed to be fighting an internal battle.

Nagito smiled a little, doubling his efforts. None of this seemed real, too silly and perfectly relaxed to be. Nagito realized he didn't understand things like these, despite how often he dreamed of them. 

Simple pleasure of enjoying someone else's company, with no fear, no guilt, no things left unspoken. Just him, some strawberries, and a very flustered Hinata. How was this reality? He didn't know.

It was making him a little too bold.

"That's enough of that!" Hinata finally retracted his hand, "It's clean now..."

"Is that so...?" Nagito smiled, licking at his own lips.

The remains of strawberry juice didn't even catch his attention. It was entirely focused on Hinata, who started cleaning up the tray vehemently.

"You're going to kill me" the other murmured, very quietly, clearly to himself. 

But Nagito heard it anyway.

"That's very likely!" he laughed, although it was hard to hide the hint of fear in it, "Maybe not directly, but, well..."

"Oh shut up" the other glared at him, but there was no heat in it, "You know exactly what I meant"

"Huh? Not at all..." 

He did a little bit, but it was still too much of a presumptuous thought for him. 

This was a problem he was rapidly developing. His logical brain said one thing, his instinct said another, and his well-trained defence mechanisms told them both to go fuck themselves. It was entirely too much for Nagito. Technically, he knew what the most obvious answer was. Hinata said he liked him. Hinata kissed him, quite a lot in a pretty short amount of time. Hinata fed him strawberries and got embarrased over him.  
If Nagito was a regular, normal, ordinary person, he would have no issues accepting all of this. The boy he had been in love with for at this point an inappropriate amount of time was finally returning his feelings. It should be a happy moment, maybe the happiest in his life. And it was, in a way, but as things usually went for him, extreme happiness also meant being ready for extreme loss.

He just couldn't quite shake it off, not entirely. He wanted to believe Hinata, he was trying to, but his mind kept interrupting him, reminding, over and over, that this wasn't going to last. Every time the other smiled at him, every kiss, every little touch, they sparked joy, but also anxiety. He was forcefully dragging himself out of that hazy, dreamlike state of bliss, because the higher he got, the worse the fall would be.

Happiness was not something he deserved. Happiness was dangerous. Happiness was a lie.

That was what he tried to tell himself, but then, Hinata would say something absurd again, and it all dissipated, like a mist, leaving a clear day. He just couldn't fight it. 

That's what that burning feeling was, he supposed. It fit. Hinata really was the Ultimate Hope. Nothing could stand in his way if he wanted something. And he just so happened to want Nagito, as illogical as that seemed. 

Hinata's hope was powerful enough to overshadow his fear. Nothing mattered in the face of it. Just getting to see it, to see the other shine, to see him happy, Nagito threw away all his caution. Hinata asked him to stay, and he let him stay, despite knowing he shouldn't. Hinata's words felt like they were cutting through him, sometimes, like he was breaking every argument Nagito put forward, revealing them to be fragile, paper-thin. All of his well-practiced mantras lost meaning in the face of someone like Hinata. 

In the face of his Ultimate Hope.

"Hey, so, I was thinking..."

"What is it, Hinata-kun?"

The other was staring at him a little nervously. Uh oh. This look Nagito recognized. It was the look Hinata had whenever he was about to propose a new 'activity'. They were going to be heading somewhere. Or meeting someone. One of the two.

"I...um...talked about the mattress? Yesterday?" 

The brown-haired boy pointed at the cage. Nagito exhaled a little in relief. It was only that. 

"Yes?" he inquired.

"Well, I was thinking..." Hinata seemed to be trying to find his words, "I can't exactly just get a random mattress, it won't fit. That thing isn't bed-sized" he eyed the cage, "And besides, I have no clue how we would fit it in there. Um, so that's why I kind of...asked Kazuichi about it"

"You did?"

Nagito was surprised. He had assumed Kazuichi would never want to talk about the cage, or Nagito himself, for that matter, again, as long as he lived. He wouldn't blame him. 

"Yeah. He said there's a way to open the front of the cage without dismantling it?" Hinata rambled on, "It's a 'safety precaution' or something. Honestly, I have to say, I was quite amazed. I didn't know there was anything in this world that could make _Kazuichi_ , of all people, think about safety. You really did a number on him" he visibly tried to hide his amusement, "He agreed to come by and take it apart so we could get a mattress in there. He also knows the measurements of it, so I can make something fitted. It won't take long, we should be able to come by around late afternoon. Would that be...okay?"

Nagito considered what the other was telling him. 

The idea of having someone else in his cottage immediately made alarm bells go off in his head, but he took a moment to calm them down. It was Kazuichi, for one. He's been in there before, when he was bringing Nagito his meals. The worst that happened was his shoelaces getting untied, which made him fall over and spill the milk he was holding. Bad luck, but not the worst. He didn't even complain much, shushing Nagito's apologies and leaving as quickly as he could. 

And Hinata would be there. Nagito didn't exactly believe things wouldn't go bad at some point, but with Hinata around, maybe they would only get bad, and not tragic. It was the best he could hope for. 

It was risky, but Hinata wanted it. Just as with everything else, Nagito found he had little incentive to refuse the other. 

"That's fine, I think" he spoke, finally, "Um, but, isn't that a bit too much work for you and Soda-kun? You're still busy, aren't you? You're already spending so much time here..."

"Do you _want_ me to leave and you're just very bad at being direct about it or something?" Hinata narrowed his eyes at him, "Because you talk an awful lot about how I spend too much time with you"

"N-No, that's not it!" Nagito denied it vehemently, "I just...well..."

"I'll stay as long as I damn please" the other huffed a little, "And if you have no objections, I'll be bringing Soda later. It's not like he's doing anything today, anyway. If I left him alone, he'd just spend all day dismantling the old tanks again. Keeping him busy is good for everyone's safety"

Nagito only nodded. He couldn't really argue, he didn't much want to. He was quickly starting to feel like he was just recycling his points over and over more so to keep up appearances than anything. To have his conscience clean that, well, he _did_ say something. 

His conscience was never clean anyway.

"Hey, listen...I know Kazuichi isn't the most...um-" Hinata laughed quietly, "You know. He has a tendency to freak out. But he's a good guy, I swear. Smart in his own ways, too. He's just a bit uneasy around you, since he's easily scared. But he doesn't...hate you"

Nagito was suprised, and didn't quite believe that statement. But then again, he didn't know much about Kazuichi besides his abilities. Hinata knew him a lot better. If he said so, there was probably some truth in it.

 _Even if he doesn't, he should_ , Nagito caught himself thinking. He wouldn't say it, though. 

"Right...I should probably go" Hinata looked somewhat unhappy.

"Something wrong?" Nagito stretched out on the bed a little, leaning towards the other.

The brown-haired boy was gathering the empty dishes, and looked up. He was frowning, staring at Nagito.

"I...don't want to leave..." he admitted quietly, crawling closer.

He placed his head on the bed, staring somewhere at the wall. He was puffing his cheeks out a bit. 

"Hinata-kun are you...sulking?" Nagito asked, amusement creeping into his voice.

"N-No! I'm not!" the other jumped up again, crossing his arms.

"Ah, really?" Nagito laughed, now.

He'd never seen Hinata-kun like that, or at least, not since the simulation. The other always seemed so focused on his work, so intent on his responsibility. He did remember everyone always complaining he was a workaholic. Nagito, personally, never saw it that way: Hinata was incredibly talented, of course he had a lot to do. The more hope he could bring to everyone, the better.

But now there was a little feeling inside of him, tugging at his brain. Telling him that everyone else should go away, because Hinata wanted to stay with _him_. It was a horribly selfish though, but at the same time, a very, very appealing one. 

Ah, what an awful person he was.

"Hinata-kun is being lazy, huh? That's not good at all..." he smiled, teasing, "What kind of an Ultimate acts like that?"

"I could ask you the same question" Hinata narrowed his eyes at him, "You seem to be a master of lounging around and doing precisely nothing. Kinda like a cat..."

Nagito was about to get offended, but the cat comment threw him off.

"A cat?" he questioned.

"Mhm. A very weird, fluffy...cat..."

In the next moment, Nagito felt a hand on his head. Hinata was ruffling his hair with remarkable determination.

"Hey-" the white-haired boy complained, but that got shut down quickly.

With another kiss.

"Mhm...Hinata-kun sure likes doing that..." Nagito smirked a little once they parted, even though what he really wanted to do was to bury his head in the bed covers again.

"You have a problem with it?" Hinata seemed confident, but there was a note of doubt there.

"Not at all!" the other quickly shook his head, "Please, do whatever you want, Hinata-kun!"

"Stop saying that, or I actually will" it didn't sound like a threat, not really.

Or maybe it just didn't to Nagito. He would have loved for Hinata to do whatever he wanted.

"Work hard, Hinata-kun!" he waved at the other, grinning, still not moving from the bed.

Hinata turned around, just to send him a glare that was only half-serious. Nagito kept smiling.

He didn't exactly stop, even as he heard the cottage door closing.

Alone again. A common enough state for Nagito, actually, until recently, it vastly dominated his life. Even when he was _around_ others, he was never really _with_ them. Just standing in the background, watching. 

It used to be comfortable. That was his place, his righteous role. But nowadays, Hinata was always in his space, butting in like he didn't even care what would happen. Or, more likely, he was stubborn enough to persist despite that.

Stubborn, yeah. Determined. Truly the most hopeful...

And well, he was right about one thing. Nagito really didn't do much.

That was kind of an oversight in his whole plan, he supposed. He thought laying around in the cage endlessly was not only the best option, but also a good punishment for his misdeeds. Conveniently. He deserved to be bored, he deserved to stare at the ceiling and get migraines because he slept too much.

But that only worked for about two weeks. Eventually, he started to reach levels of boredom that really got to him. He still believed he deserved it, but at the same time, he couldn't help seeking something to do. 

Before Hinata started bringing him books, he tried origami - but he ran out of paper. He counted the bars of the cage - obviously, didn't take long to count them all. He did the Rubik's cube, over and over again - he didn't even want to look at it anymore. He tried to tell himself jokes - but he knew few, and none of them were funny. Besides, his own voice started to grate on his ears.  
So he couldn't really help looking forward to Hinata's visits even more than he would normally. Interacting with Hinata at all was always great, but him coming over also meant Nagito finally had something to do, at least for a while. 

Nowadays, it got better. Hinata brought books, snacks, and weird gadgets. A lot of those, actually. Nagito realized the talks of Hinata's hoarding were no joke. He seemed to have absolutely everything hidden away _somewhere_ , and he was determined to keep bringing over anything he thought could be interesting.

Nagito looked over to his shelf, which used to be completely empty. Now there were various objects there, all quite useless. A pendulum, office desk size. A stack of cards, several ones, actually. Apparently, in case he lost some cards from one or something. Another Rubik's cube, for some reason. An old boardgame, with most of the pawns missing. Small plastic frogs with sticky legs you could throw at walls. A snowglobe, which he especially never touched. 

He smiled a little without realizing it as he scanned the stuff that had slowly accumulated in his room. He should get angry, but it was hard. Hinata seemed very excited about a lot of the items he brought, even more so when Nagito actually tried them out. 

Somehow, he felt less alone with all of this. 

Still, he hated mess. And he was supposed to have someone over. As silly as it seemed to worry about things like that this situation, it felt proper to clean up a bit. So he did. 

Cleaning was a good way to pass time, at least. And he still liked it. It didn't even get him as tired as it used to. The waves of vertigo were so occasional now he almost didn't register them anymore.  
He did fall over once, and kicked his bucket of dirty water over in the process - but really, it wasn't that bad. Didn't even spill on the panels. He worked surprisingly quickly, his good spirits keeping him up.

And Hinata. Thoughts of Hinata. That, too.

It was probably only because of how used to this he was that he wasn't freaking out basically every second, now. Thinking of Hinata wasn't new by any means, really, the other had a pernament spot in his head at that point. That's been a case for a long, long time. 

But at the same time, it _was_ _new_. It shouldn't have, after all, he was still the same pathetic Nagito, and Hinata was still...Hinata.

_But Hinata liked him._

He leaned over on the mop he was putting away a little, the thought making him immediately flustered. He couldn't take it, he really couldn't. His brain felt overloaded, constantly. And it was already a pretty damaged brain in the first place, wasn't it?

An image of Hinata in his mind used to be a way for him to torture himself, sometimes. Remind himself of how far away the other was, how big was the gap separating them. Hinata was a representation of everything Nagito would never deserve, could never have. 

Now, there was a new reality growing out in front of him, and nothing felt the same. Suddenly, Hinata was centimeters away from him, right there. Suddenly, he could be touched, reached, and it wasn't wrong, it wasn't shameful. That made no sense in Nagito's mind. He was battling with himself, every time the memories of last night came back. 

He likes you. You don't deserve him. He likes you. You shouldn't even think about him. He likes you. You will never be good enough for him. 

**He likes you.**

Nagito almost kicked the water bucket over again, avoiding it by a centimeter. He scoffed at it a little, pouring it down the drain. Thank god he was done with the cleaning, it was clear his mind was getting restless. Well, letting himself think of Hinata did that, usually. 

But how was he supposed to _not_ think about him? With everything that happened, it was an impossible feat. Just having his feelings reciprocated was a dream he never expected to have fulfilled. And then Hinata added gasoline to the fire, wait, no, that was kind of a bad association.

Hinata had to not only confess to him, he had to _kiss_ him. Multiple times. And make him cry, which, dammit, Nagito was still angry about. He never cried anymore. What was even up with that?  
And then, the most traitorous part of his mind was conjuring up all of the situations he was trying to push down the most. Getting held in Hinata's arms. The kisses which got a little past the point of quick and chaste. The whole hanging off Hinata's back thing, drenched in water, as he carried Nagito to the cottage.

Falling asleep together. _Waking up together._

Morning was the worst. He couldn't even fault himself for what he did anymore, dammit, Hinata was close and smelled so nice-

Now, he was absolutely freaking out. He let himself get too far again, which wasn't surprising. He had nothing better to do. He eyed the floor critically, hoping maybe he didn't do a good enough job and would have to scrub it again. But it shined back at him, almost defiantly.

He couldn't escape it. Especially with Hinata's clothes hanging in front of his face.

Oh yeah, that. Hinata left with his shorts and Nagito's shirt, but his button-up was drenched, now hanging on the side of the bathtub. Nagito swallowed without realizing it.

He liked this color. He'd never seen Hinata wear it before, it looked really good on him. Well, he looked good without it, too...

Nagito ran his fingers over the fabric, almost automatically. It was still damp, smelling faintly of saltwater. 

He had a traitorous thought. 

A thought about something that laid deep inside his drawer. He hadn't taken _the shirt_ out since he'd last worn it, worried he could damage it. It was just laying there. Just laying there...

Any attempts at suppressing the thought felt pointless from the start. He was jittery, still reeling from the memories that ran through his mind. Actually, maybe this was a good idea. He could clean his head out a bit. Seeing Hinata again in this state was dangerous. This could calm him down, hopefully.

He barely believed that, but he still went to grab the shirt out of his drawer.

It had been washed, dried and folded carefully. It smelled of nothing more except laundry detergent, now, but Nagito brought it up to his face all the same. 

Kneeling on the floor, his face buried in Hinata's shirt, he quickly realized he'd been fooling himself. 

As if this would ever do anything to calm him down. 

Nagito was great at denying himself things, technically speaking. Really, if he wanted to, he could give up nearly anything for the sake of hope. Friendship, safety, happiness, not that he had any of these things in the first place, not really. He had no qualms with forgoing his morals, his empathy, his health, his _life_ \- if it meant bringing great hope.

The problem was, when there was no hope to bring, his self-control went down to zero. 

Maybe it was because he was normally so eager to sacrifice everything, whenever there was no point to it, suddenly, he became greedy. It was what he hated most about himself, the neediness that crept out as soon as the stakes stopped being high. It was the whole reason why he had approached Hinata back then. Why he kept letting him talk, even when he knew exactly how hard everything would crash and burn. Why he kept sticking around everyone else, despite how pointless that was from the start. Why he _still_ wanted, deep down, to be forgiven, even when he deserved it the least.

It was the reason why he died in love.

He was pathetic like that. Willing to give up anything, but at the same time, wanting everything. He suppressed it with practiced accuracy, not even paying a second thought to it, but...

When he was alone, with no one to please, no one to help, no one to become the stepping stone for, then. What was the point, anymore?

Those thoughts guided him as he made his way to the cage, crawling in, clutching the shirt.

When he was alone, he could let himself fall. 

It didn't take much for him, not at all.  
He was used to this too, actually, it was almost a part of his routine. Whenever his longing got too strong, whenever the visions of the other boy wouldn't leave him alone, this was what he did. He let himself be as pathetic as he could muster, knowing full well of the depth of his delusion.  
It wasn't indulgence, or at least, it didn't used to be. 

Because he did this precisely to remind himself of what he couldn't have. To remind himself that this was wrong, that this was all his sick mind, not a shred of reality in it. That's why the Hinata of his fantasies was rarely close to the real one.

The world blurred at the edges as Nagito brought the shirt closer to himself again, squirming around on the mattress. He wished he hadn't washed it, now. That was disgusting, maybe, but he couldn't care much. Even so, just knowing it used to belong to the other was enough. He buried his face in the garment, feeling its texture. 

It seemed, for a second, like Hinata was next to him again, nothing but morning light and warmth.

**Heaven.**

He chucked off his pants with one hand, a practiced move left over from when he really could only use one.

The Hinata of his fantasies was different from the real one. He was all cold, red eyes and indifferent tone, or just angry, olive burning in his gaze and rightful accusations coming from his mouth. These fantasies were as painful as they were pleasurable, a sick way in which Nagito made sure he was never out of line. In this little world of his, there was no room for actual care, actual feelings. It was all hatred and degradation, fueling his intense need for affirmation, an affirmation that his worldview was correct. 

Hinata of his fantasies treated him with as much disdain as Nagito felt he deserved.

There was a moment of clarity where he realized he had no clue how much time had passed. For the first time in a while, he was cursing himself for never getting a new clock. It couldn't have been long, could it?  
Hinata was supposed to come late afternoon. What even was late afternoon, anyway. It could be any time after twelve. Maybe even sooner than later. 

Hinata could have forgotten something and ran in to get it back. Or just come to check up on him. 

He could come in and see Komaeda, in the cage, with his pants off, dragging himself pathetically over the mattress, Hinata's shirt in hand. How utterly disgusting. How completely shameless.

Hinata would probably be horrified, leaving and slamming the door behind him. Nagito wondered if it would be enough to drive him away. Seeing how completely pitiful Nagito really was, with no dignity to speak of. 

But what if Hinata stayed, instead.

It shook Nagito out a bit. He never had that thought before, not really.

Hinata could stay and watch him, watch the disgusting display. See him fall apart under the weight of his own neediness, forgetting himself, forgetting all about the things he couldn't have. See Nagito completely give up, let himself be torn apart by his own hands as Hinata watched. Maybe he would even tell him exactly how worthless he was, how disgraceful of a sight he made-

_Ah._

That did it. 

He got hard in what felt like record time, although he couldn't really be sure. He did have a tendency to get riled up ridiculously quickly. Probably a result of being a disgusting piece of garbage.

Or just low stamina.

His hips stuttered as he shifted around on the mattress, bare skin feeling clammy in the tropical air. His hand almost automatically reached to grab the closest steel bar in front of him. 

Closing his eyes, it came easily, as it had a hundred times before.

Hinata.

It was the Hinata of his delusional, feverish mind, looking at him with disdain, wanting nothing more than to see him die a painful death.

Or at least, it should have been.

But now, when he tried to imagine his face, it wasn't adding up properly. Neither the dark, swirling red, obscured by dark hair, nor the brilliant, burning olive felt right. Now, Hinata's voice was cruel, but his gaze was _kind_.

Nagito tried to chase it away, bringing his prosthetic hand to run across his own thighs. 

He always used that one. It had little feeling, Hinata said he'd build a better one someday, when he finished setting up the more complicated parts of the workshop. But Nagito sometimes thought he didn't really want that. Because when the hand reacted to what he wanted it to, but didn't quite transfer the feeling right - it almost felt like it didn't belong to him at all.  
It was _his_ hand, not Nagito's. It was something _he_ made. 

He let out a small cry as he dragged the metal fingers over the skin of his legs. It was rough, painful, and it felt _good._ He wondered if it would leave marks this time. That would be bad, probably. Hinata shouldn't see that. 

But if he would, maybe, he would want to know what happened.

His imaginary Hinata kept going, his hand digging into Komaeda's hip. He knew he wouldn't be able to crush it, the hand had safety locks on grip power. But actual Hinata could, with his strength. It shouldn't have been an appealing thought, and yet.

Hinata, a cruel, unforgiving Hinata, ruining him, marking him, making him scream and cry.

This was the problem.

The problem. Nagito didn't know exactly when it had started, not really. He should have predicted it, though. You can only get off thinking of people hurting you for so long before you develop unfortunate...associations.

The more he tried to make the Hinata of his fantasies cruel and unforgiving, the more he started to like it, because in the end, it was still Hinata. It became a way in which he could actually allow himself to imagine these scenes, while technically never allowing any true delusions in. Hinata hated him in this little world, but he also did all of the things Nagito deeply wanted him to. He hit him, only to drag him back up by his hair moments later, to touch him, to tell him how pathetic he was, to kiss him. Violence turned into something sexual, soon enough, he barely recognized the difference. Not when he was like this. 

It must have been intrinsic to his nature, he realized that. Because having those metal fingers scratch and bruise his skin shouldn't feel good, and yet it did. It was pain and then pleasure, until he couldn't tell one apart from the other anymore. 

He was whining quietly, now, dragging his erection on the mattress. He needed to stop that, or it would get dirty. He opted for lifting his lower half up instead. This position always made it easy to imagine Hinata standing behind him, watching as Nagito lifted his ass up in the air, a shameful display that left nothing up to the imagination. He was ready for getting kicked, or spanked, of just plain thrown around, as Hinata told him exactly how bad it all was. How bad he was.

A whimper left his lips, not even registering. He was finally touching himself, the metal cold on his heated skin. He realized he was hearing wet sounds. God, was he that turned on already? He didn't feel it, the hand unreceptive to the slick sensation. He felt his dick getting coated in it as he stroked himself, though, frowning a little despite everything. He hated making a mess. 

If he did, Hinata could get angry. Maybe he should...?

Nagito was too far along now, the fantasy no longer kept at bay by anything. But it mixed with something else, sudden, flooding his mind. He knew what it felt like, now. Hinata kissing him, Hinata being close, closer than ever before.

He finally let go of the steel bar, to drag his fingers across his lips. He could almost feel the strawberry juice, his mouth opened on its own.

His own skin didn't taste quite like Hinata's, but it had to do. It felt appropriately filthy, at least. He must have looked pathetic, his own fingers stuck down his throat, saliva coating them. He couldn't help but wonder what Hinata would have done if Nagito treated his digits this way earlier. Be horrified, most likely, but his hazy, messed-up mind wasn't caring for accuracy anymore.

He imagined Hinata thrusting into his mouth instead, first the fingers, then something else. Oh, this was new. He never allowed himself to go this far, not even in his worst moments. 

Hinata was supposed to be a distant, cold presence, standing over him as Nagito lost his mind, stroking himself to his own delusions. But now, the other boy was close, suddenly. He was the one touching him, the cold hand heating up from the bare skin. And Hinata was rough, but-

_Good job._

Nagito chased the upstroke of his own fist unconsciously, feeling himself heat up. Those words made him tense up, somehow more desperate than he already was. The idea of Hinata actually pleasuring him was something he never allowed himself before, it was too far removed from the reality he built for himself.

The reality of Hinata hating him.

But now, it was all boiling together, and the Hinata of his fantasies was nothing like before.

He was stern, his actions painful, red marks blooming on Nagito's ribs as the metal hand came back up to tug at the protruding bones. But then, he would caress them, Hinata's eyes watching the other boy squirm under his touch. Then it was pain again, then tenderness, intertwining, somehow, both seeming just as affectionate. Gone was the cruel indifference, the burning anger.

Hinata was ruining him in the most loving way.

_You did great._

It was the Hinata that stroked his skin as he removed the rope, telling him how good he did. It the was burn marks, covering his wrist, Nagito wishing he could keep them forever. It was the Hinata towering over him, eyes focused, just to turn flustered seconds again. 

It was Hinata, _his_ Hinata. 

Nagito let out a particularly loud exhale, turning into a moan halfway through. He was going way too fast, now, and it didn't feel like enough. He needed something else, he felt empty and shaken.

It was truly pathetic, how easily he worked himself up. With just a couple of thoughts, a couple of touches.

But he couldn't take the time to go and grab anything to lessen this feeling. And he couldn't risk hurting himself, not in a way that would actually be dangerous. Shit, what-

His blindly reaching hand fell on his coat, thrown around haphazardly in the cage. It would have to do.

He closed his legs instinctively when he was forced to pull his hand away, the loss immediately making him whimper. But it was just for a moment, he convinced himself, as he grabbed the sleeve of the coat. The realization that his metal hand was still covered in precum came too late. Even worse, he barely cared, now, even as it left stains on the dark green fabric. All he cared about was doing something, anything, about this burning feeling.

Nagito flipped himself over on his back, bringing his healthy hand to a cage bar. He used his other one to wrap the coat sleeve around his wrist, helping himself with his teeth when it kept falling out. He pulled with strength, binding himself to the steel. It was cold, and he didn't care. All he cared about was that when he tugged at it, his hand was restricted, keeping him in place.

This was it. Didn't feel anything like the rope, not in the slightest, but it had to be enough. Just imagining it was rope, Hinata's rope, the same one he used with such skill, made him shiver. 

Nagito really did get attached to the rope quickly. It seemed like such a strange idea when Hinata proposed it, but the moment he felt it tug as the other boy moved, Nagito was on board. It was connection, in a way he never felt before. And god, he really did like thinking Hinata had that sort of control over him. 

In a bizarre way, it felt safe, too.

Nagito was completely out of it, now, his hips moving to meet his hand. His back would hit the mattress almost violently every time his legs became too weak to hold him up anymore, his thighs burning. But he kept lifting himself up, again and again, feeling the coat sleeve keeping him in place. He almost wanted to cry, filled with emotions he didn't experience before, not like this.

His fantasies were never this, not ever. They were a punishment, a way for himself to make sure he never desired what he didn't deserve. He found pleasure in them, but deep down, they were always about making himself suffer. He would never think of Hinata as something he could have.

But now he did. The other was there, his dream came true. And he couldn't take it, his brain melting away under memories of gentle kisses and rope brushing against his skin. Nagito was moaning out loud, now, nearly screaming, not even understanding why. He couldn't stop moving his hand anymore, even if he wanted to, pressing his thumb against the head of his cock firmly, only to tug at it more again. Everything was blurring, maybe he was crying, he didn't know. 

Instead of the deep shame and guilt, there was just Hinata, Hinata, Hinata. For a brief moment, Nagito was floating, his head light as he exhausted himself with the violent motions. The other boy was there, his touches a phantom feeling on Nagito's sweat-slicked skin. 

He was taking it, the pain, the restriction of his hand, and Hinata was proud of him. Hinata told him what a good job he was doing. Hinata hurt him, only to kiss him moments later, all of the affection Nagito never thought he deserved obvious in it.

_"I fell in love with you"_

One phrase repeating in his mind, Nagito choked up, suddenly. His voice was gone as he came, a desperate gasp the only sound he could make. He felt himself spill onto his own stomach, his legs trembling as he kept himself up in a moment of white-hot pleasure. 

It lasted too long, he didn't even know when it started and ended. But then, the exhaustion hit him like a train. 

He slipped his hand out of the jacket, his thrashing having completely loosened the knot. It was all he could do before he fell over, his legs giving out.

That was...different.

He wanted to make sense of it, take his time and consider everything, most likely think long and hard about what he just did. Tell himself exactly how disgusting it was, how unrealistic of a fantasy it was. That was always what he did before.

But none of these feelings came, now, he was too tired to care at all. He almost felt peaceful, somehow, his body wanting nothing more than to fall limp, to float aimlessly in the afterglow. His mind felt tired, too. 

It took all of Nagito's willpower, not that he had much left, to at least clean himself and put his pants back on. That was the extent of it, though. He couldn't even untie the jacket sleeve. 

Utterly, completely exhausting. He didn't know it could feel like that. 

It was all different, all of it. A familiar voice told him he should want it to go back to how it was, it was screaming at him to hide, to refuse this. It was unacceptable, for someone like him to be indulging in such self-serving fantasies.  
Yet, that just didn't work anymore. Not after everything that happened. Not after everything Hinata told him.  
Nagito was torn, and confused, and quite frankly, scared.

But he didn't want to go back anymore.

It was frightening, but some deep, forgotten part of him wanted to let it happen. Wanted to let the other continue confusing him like this. Wanted to have Hinata strip all of his layers and layers of swirling thoughts away, to leave him as vulnerable as he could be. Then, maybe, he would remember what it was like.  
To imagine a future for himself.

Hinata made him want to try so badly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE! <3  
> i always knew i wanted to have at least one chapter with a komaeda pov, and this point in the story felt right!! so here it is: we spend some time with cloud boy!!  
> i just really wanted to have a moment to explore how nagito was taking this entire situation, bc, you know, this is kind of a big deal for him hshshs  
> it was a bit different writing him compared to hajime, hope you enjoy it as much as i did <3
> 
> hajime tries to be affectionate but his tsundere side is getting in the way shshsh  
> we all see your true horny self dude  
> you can't hide
> 
> nagito and hajime, sleeping in the cage, 0 feet apart cause they're very gay  
> (and also there's little space)
> 
> nagito: i would look stupid in a suit  
> everyone who saw the anniversary outfits: are you sure about that


	15. Lie of omission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Komaeda receives a gift, and Hajime - a scolding.

"Watch your step" 

Hajime spoke as he glided forward with practiced accuracy, avoiding various objects on his way.

"H-Hey, wait up, bro!" Kazuichi was behind him, struggling to match his pace.

Something fell, and from the sound, it was probably one of the old stage sets from the club. Then something else, a metallic sound. When Hajime finally turned around, a rather pathetic scene unfolded in front of him. 

Kazuichi was sitting on the ground, rubbing his head, or rather trying to, because his arms were stuck in between ladder bars. Several boards and a shelf had fallen down, most of the things previously on them now scattered. The other boy looked confused, looking around.

"S-Shit, sorry, I didn't mean to-" he tried to free himself from the ladder, but succeeded only in lifting it up and knocking a paint can over, "...oops"

Hajime sighed a little.

"It's fine" he grabbed Kazuichi's hand, freeing him carefully from his prison, "I should have expected this. Unless you're me, it's hard to move around in here"

'Here' meant the very particular building that belonged to the workshop. Most people referred to it as 'Hajime's cave'. 

It was not a cave in the literal sense of the word, although it almost looked like one.  
This place, one of the largest buildings of the workshop aside from the main one, was entirely Hajime's. Or rather, no one else ever came in here, if they could avoid it. That was mostly due to the fact that similarly to any space Hajime occupied, except for his cottage, it was absolutely cluttered.   
The purpose of his 'cave' was very general - he tended to use it for any work that was neither mechanics nor woodworking. That meant the smaller-scale stuff, anything from sewing to programming. Because of that, the amount of stuff piled up there at any given moment was immeasurable. Anything and everything, including paint, varnish, cables, meters and meters of fabric, pillow stuffing, broken television sets, old consoles - anything.

Hajime himself had no problem working in that messy space, being able to precisely know where everything was at all times. But to everyone else, the building posed a potential life hazard. For one, it was impossible to move around without knocking something over every five minutes. And also, if one were to enter, it was a very real possibility you would not find the exit.

"And I thought I was messy" Kazuichi eyed the gigantic tower of old computers, stacked on top of each other, "Seriously, dude, how do you even fit so much junk in one place? This is definitely a fire hazard..." 

"What is it with you and fire?" Hajime rolled his eyes, pushing aside a box full of zip-ties.

"I-I had some bad experiences, alright?!" 

Hajime could believe that, at least.

They had somehow managed to make their way to the workspace, without any major disasters. This was the only space that was somewhat orderly, tools of all shapes and sizes lining the shelves and wall. 

"This is it?"

Kazuichi's short question referred to the weirdly sized mattress currently resting on the floor. 

"Yes" Hajime nodded, "Um...what do you think?"

The mechanic scratched his head, examining Hajime's creation. He touched it with his hand almost cautiously, dipping it into the surface. His eyes widened.

"Woah...so soft..."

"Well, I tried-" Hajime was cut off when the other threw himself on the mattress.

"Aaah, man! This is amazing!" Kazuichi was bouncing, a wide grin on his face.

Hajime glared at him.

"Holy shit, it feels like I'm laying on clouds!" the other stretched himself out, "Dude, you totally should make one for me, too"

"At least take your shoes off" Hajime sighed, "And I don't see why I would do that. You're not nearly as frail as Komaeda is"

Not that Hajime was thinking of Komaeda's weak frame when he made the mattress. No, he was more so thinking of his own back, really.

_Because now he was sleeping in the stupid cage, too._

"Ehh?" the other whined, "T-That's not true! I'm totally still sick, you know?! Yeah, my back hurts aaalll the time!" 

Hajime, instead of gracing that with a response, simply grabbed one side of the mattress and lifted it up. Which made Kazuichi fall on his butt.

"Ouch!" he complained, "What the hell, man?"

"Stop whining or I'll tell Sonia exactly how 'weak' and 'frail' you are" Hajime dusted the mattress off with his hand.

"Please do not! S-Seriously!" the other was up on his legs in seconds, bringing his hands together pleadingly.

"Fine, fine. Just grab the tools and let's go" Hajime pointed towards the shelves.

Kazuichi followed the command, but stopped in front of the desk. 

"Huh?" He leaned down, "Hajime, what is this?"

The other looked over his shoulder.

"Oh...that's..." he sighed a little.

It was the shell, the one Komaeda gave him. Or rather, what remained of it.

Hajime only realized when he'd taken off the still slightly smelling of saltwater pants off the drying rack. Something was in the pocket, and well. The shell didn't seem to have survived his and Komaeda's escapade. It shattered into tiny pieces, most likely when he fell in the water. He should have realized sooner.

"It was...a gift" he tried to make his voice less nervous, "And it kind of broke. I brought it here because I wanted to try and fix it, but I don't know how"

"A gift?" Kazuichi questioned, "That's a pretty weird gift, dude"

"Really?"

Hajime smiled against his own will, tracing the edges of the shell pieces. But the smile fell quickly.

He felt horrible about it, if he had to be honest. It was the first gift he'd ever received from Komaeda. Now, that their relationship changed, it seemed even more significant. He really didn't want the other to find out. He'd probably think it was a bad omen again, or something.

"If you want to fix it...hmm..." Kazuichi spoke up again, "Why don't you do the same thing you did with that bowl? You know, the one Miss Sonia was so excited about?"

Hajime focused for a moment, trying to recall what Kazuichi was talking about.

"Oh, you mean that old thing she found in one of the shipments?" he finally remembered.

Sonia had come to him with an almost ancient rice bowl, which had unfortunately broken in two during transport. It was quite pretty, with an intricate, hand-painted pattern. The princess was very passionate about its 'traditional japanese style' and 'cultural value' and asked if he could do anything to fix it.

"Kintsugi..." Hajime considered, "I could have probably repaired it normally, but when I suggested kintsugi, she got even more excited. She even watched me work. It was a little uncomfortable, having her stare at my hands the entire time..." he laughed, "I think it came out pretty good"

He looked over at the shell again, narrowing his eyes.

"I don't think kintsugi is used on stuff like this, though..." he wondered.

"Normally, probably not" Kazuichi shrugged, "But you're like, the Ultimate Repair Dude or something, right? I bet you can do it"

"This would be the Ultimate Japanese Traditional Artist, actually" Hajime corrected, mostly out of habit.

 _'Ultimate Repair Dude' could as well be you,_ he thought.

"How is that different from a regular artist?" Kazuichi scratched his head.

"Don't ask me"

Hajime really wasn't sure. Some of the Ultimates, or rather, a large portion of them made little to no sense to him. They were either so broad it was impossible to know what they actually did, like the Ultimate Athlete, or so specific it was easy to question why they classified as Ultimates at all, like the Ultimate Melon Farmer.   
Not to mention they overlapped all the time. What was the point of him being the Ultimate Breeder if he was already the Ultimate Animal Caregiver? And the Ultimate Zoologist? Was there a difference? 

Hajime had a sneaking suspicion that the people running Hope's Peak weren't very sure either. 

"Earth to Hajime!" Kazuichi waved a hand in front of his face, "Jeez, you always look creepy when you space out..."

"Do I?" Hajime blinked a little, shaking himself out of it, "Sorry. Just thinking. Get that toolbox, and let's go"

Kazuiochi turned around, staring at the shelf. 

"On the left" Hajime instructed, "No, not that one. The blue one. **Blue** , Kazuichi. Not teal"

"You're not helping!" Kazuichi complained, finally grabbing the right toolbox, "You're just stressing me out!"

 _Everything stresses you out,_ Hajime thought.

"How many toolboxes do you need, anyway?" the other complained.

"It's called organizing" 

"It's called hoarding, dude"

Hajime rolled his eyes again, grabbing the mattress. He lifted it up above his head in one motion.

"Shit, bro" Kazuichi eyed him, "I will never get used to this. How are you even...this thing is huge!"

"I don't really feel it" Hajime admitted.

"This is so just unfair..." Kazuichi shook his head, "How are any of the guys here supposed to compete with you? Dammit, you totally outdo all of us...even Nekomaru..."

"Please stop thinking about weird things" Hajime sighed.

Kazuichi really didn't have to worry about _competition_. Hajime was...taken.

"Hey, but-" Kazuichi stood up on his toes, narrowing his eyes at the mattress, "On the side here...there's writing? What...'Komaeda Nagito'?"

Hajime tensed up immediately. 

_Shit._

"Dude, what? You wrote his name on it?" Kazuichi was staring at the writing.

"Um...yes?" Hajime was trying to appear unbothered, "Because it's for him?"

Kazuichi looked bewildered.

"It's embroidery" he traced his fingers over the delicate thread, "So intricate..."

"T-That's what you do with gifts, right?" Hajime tried to defend himself, "You put the person's name on it? So it's like, more personal?"

His excuses sounded even worse out loud than they did in his head. The truth was, he just got carried away. It felt like a good idea at the time, for some fucking reason. He got a bit lost in embroidering the kanji (Komaeda's name did look pretty) and then. Yeah. 

"Hajime, you're my soul brother, but..." Kazuichi frowned a little, "I have to be honest here. Your idea of a gift is really strange. It's like a custom item from some luxury brand, with a name on it and everything" Kazuichi considered, "Yeah, totally. The sort of thing a rich old chairman would buy for his younger girlfriend"

"Why does your imagination always go to the strangest places?" Hajime complained.

It was all he could do to hide that Kazuichi wasn't _entirely_ wrong. The mattress was definitely a lot bit more over the top than what most people would consider a normal gift. But it was practical, at least.

And Hajime wasn't going to spend another night in that cage without it. His back hurt almost more than last time, now coupled with his forehead.

He was still embarrassed about that morning.

"I'm just saying, this is a little weird, dude" Kazuichi mused as they made their way back through the hazardous mess, "What is it with you and Komaeda, anyway? You volunteer to take care of him, and now this-"

Hajime felt his blood freeze in his veins, but persisted, walking forward. Feigning indifference was easy enough when Kazuichi didn't see his face.

"I told you, I'm his doctor" he insisted, "His condition was a lot worse than basically anyone else's, and he's still ill. It may not be terminal, anymore, if my work is worth anything" he was really betting on it, "But it's still serious. I'm just trying to make sure he had good conditions for recovery. If he insists to sit in a cage, I can't do much about it. But I don't want him to compromise his health"

Once again, the best lies were the ones that had some truth in them.

"Aw, man" Kazuichi laughed a little, "You really try to take care of everyone, huh? I feel kinda bad..."

Mission accomplished. Hajime was always grateful for how easily distracted Kazuichi tended to be.

"It's my own choice" Hajime stated, "I want to do it, so you shouldn't feel bad at all"

Taking care of others was probably the thing that made Hajime feel better than anything else. Especially at first, when his guilt tended to overwhelm him, it was his one means of escape. Fussing over others meant he didn't have to think about himself.

"If you say so..." Kazuichi shrugged as they left the building.

Afternoon was in full swing, the air damp and hot. Hajime wanted to dip his toes into the water as they got onto the transport platform, but holding the mattress made it impossible. He just stared at the crystal blue ocean instead, longingly. From the platform, it was barely centimeters below them, tempting. 

He and Komaeda should finally go swimming. 

"Dude, am I freaking out or is it even hotter than yesterday?" Kazuichi complained, unzipping his coveralls a little.

"About two degrees higher, I would say" Hajime considered, "Although I think it might be the air pressure as well-"

"Thanks, Ultimate Meterologist" Kazuichi rolled his eyes.

_At least he got that one right._

The breeze gave some relief, if nothing else. That ended as soon as they stepped off the platform on the first island, though. On dry land, the heat felt worse. Hajime knew he was sweating, he could feel it almost running down his back. Considering it was getting even to him, it must have been really bad. He usually wasn't that sensitive to temperature.

Hajime sighed, switching to holding the mattress with one hand. At least it gave shade, he thought, as he used his other hand to pull his shirt up. 

"Bro, stop that" Kazuichi whined, "Your toned stomach makes me feel bad"

"I'm uncomfortable in the heat too, dammit" Hajime protested, "It's not my fault..."

"Hey, but I see you took my advice" Kazuichi noticed, "Jeez, that's why I thought you looked different. I was about to ask if you'd cut your hair or something" he examined Hajime more closely, visibly also using the opportunity to hide under the shade of the mattress, "I've never seen you wear a t-shirt before"

"Uh, yeah..." Hajime thanked the stars Kazuichi was too clueless to realize who the shirt belonged to, "I thought I could try something more casual"

"It's a bit plain" Kazuichi noted, "But it suits you, I guess"

_Was that an insult? It definitely was, right?_

Hajime didn't really have time to ask, as they were already standing in front of Komaeda's. 

Kazuichi looked a bit...scared.

"Chill out a little, will you?" Hajime said as he knocked on the door, "He's not going to eat you"

"I'm chill! Totally chill! The chillest dude you've ever seen!" 

Hajime didn't believe a word of it, but resigned to just rolling his eyes.

"Hey, Komaeda?" Hajime left the mattress leaning against the wall and peeked into the room.

"H-Hinata-kun!"

Komaeda looked...like a mess. Not that he usually didn't - he kind of had that specific sort of a vibe. But it was pretty clear, now, that he'd barely woken up. He was sitting in the cage, looking around in a daze.

Annoyingly, Hajime found his groggy stare endearing. 

"Sorry for waking you up" He apologized, flipping the mattress over to bring it inside, "Kazuichi, can you close the door behind me?"

Komaeda stared at the mattress with wide eyes as Hajime carried it into the middle of the room.

"Um...hello"

The awkward phrase belonged to Kazuichi, who was staring at Komaeda like a deer in headlights. The other was staring back with a very similar expression, actually.

"Good afternoon, Soda-kun" Komaeda finally replied, crawling out of the cage.

Barely a minute passed, and these two already managed to generate awkwardness the size of which Hajime had never witnessed before. 

_A great start._

"How are you?" Hajime directed Komaeda's attention away from Kazuichi, coming closer.

"I-I'm fine..." the other smiled, but was clearly nervous, "Sorry for falling asleep, haha. I cleaned up a little and I guess it tired me out"

"You shouldn't push yourself" Hajime complained, "Is it okay if we take care of the mattress now?"

"Of course!" Komaeda seemed to get a bit more energetic, "Ah, let me just get some of the blankets out of the way" 

He crawled back in, proceeding to throw the pillows and blankets out across the room.

Kazuichi was standing in one place, staring. Not doing anything.

"Could you please be a bit more lively?" Hajime whispered to him, "You're making this awkward"

"I-It's not my fault!" the other tried to whisper as well, but it was not successful, "He's...uh. He makes me nervous!" he was biting his nails, "I can never tell what he's thinking..."

To be fair, Hajime couldn't exactly argue with that. He was probably better than anyone else at reading Komaeda, yet the other still caught him off guard frequently.

It was part of his charm, in a way.

"Can you just try for me? Please?" Hajime decided to pull a bit of a dirty card, "I really want everyone to get along, you know..."

"A-Alright! Don't say that, it makes me sound like the bad guy" Kazuichi relented, "I can...try"

"Thank you"

Kazuichi placed down the toolbox. As he got to work on dismantling the front of the cage, Komaeda stood next to him, watching.   
And watching.

Hajime sighed. Neither of them were going to be making this easy, it seemed.

"Hey, dude? Why is your coat...attached to this bar?"

Komaeda tensed up in seconds at Kazuichi's question, lunging down to untie the sleeve.

"Haha, I was bored..." he laughed, putting the coat away.

Hajime didn't buy it for a second, and, impressively enough, it seemed that neither did Kazuichi. But the mechanic seemed more scared than curious. He glanced over at the coat, as if it was hiding a weapon or something.

The silence that followed was even less comfortable, somehow.

"So...um" Kazuichi finally spoke up again, "Komaeda. You're looking...healthier"

Hajime sighed.

"Ah, thank you, Soda-kun!" Komaeda beamed, "Saying something like that to make me feel better! I appreciate it greatly"

Kazuichi looked back at Hajime, gaze pleading. The other only narrowed his eyes at him. 

"Right. Umm. How is...the...cage? Everything...alright with it?" the mechanic resumed, realizing Hajime was not going to rescue him.

"It's wonderful, actually" Komaeda nodded, smiling, "As expected of the Ultimate Mechanic. You did an incredible job, I am quite undeserving of your skill..."

"I didn't have much of a choice" Kazuichi sighed, "You did kind of. Y-You know. Threaten me?"

"Did I?" Komaeda tapped his chin, as if he was actually pondering the question.

"You did" Hajime butted in, "Actually, I think you should apologize"

Kazuichi looked back at the two of them, surprised.

"Apologize?" Komaeda stared at Hajime with wide eyes.

"Yeah" Hajime tried to sound casual, but with Komaeda's intent gaze on him, it wasn't easy, "It's kind of rude to threaten someone, you know?

Neither of them said anything for a moment, but Hajime could clearly trace the patterns of the silent debate they were having. He was, not for the first time, wishing he was taller than Komaeda. Being intimidating would be a lot easier if the other wasn't perfectly at his eye level.  
Then again, it didn't seem necessary. A small smile was forming on Komaeda's face, a private thing, meant only for Hajime. His eyes softened, slowly losing their defiance. 

For a moment, they were alone again. Hajime could swear he felt the tugging of the rope at his wrist, a ghost sensation as Komaeda's pale gaze bored into his skull.

He was already sweating, he really didn't need this.

"Of course!" Komaeda broke the tension, finally, laughing, "I am very sorry, Soda-kun! I didn't expect you to take my measly threats seriously. Someone like me could never pose a threat to an Ultimate such as yourself! I apologize for making you think otherwise"

"You literally said you were going to 'set everything I love on fire'" Kazuichi deadpanned, "And your apologies are never convincing. Not in the slightest"

"Huh? But I really am sorry..." Komaeda cocked his head to the side, questioning.

"You don't sound like you are" 

"Kazuichi" Hajime frowned, "I think what Komaeda means is that he wasn't being serious. Right?" he looked over to the other.

"Definitely! I would never set anything on fire!" the white-haired boy lifted his hands up, laughing lightly.

Hajime didn't believe that statement fully, but he did believe Komaeda had good intentions, at least. Somewhat.

"Y-You tricked me?" Kazuichi turned around from his work now, glaring at the other.

It wasn't particularly intimidating. Kazuichi just wasn't intimidating in general.

"As I said, I am very sorry!" Komaeda actually bowed, "I was truly conceited to think I could trick a true Ultimate! How horribly lowly of me!" 

_You did trick him,_ Hajime noted to himself.

"Please, feel free to exact revenge on me" the boy continued, "Unfortunately, there are few things I am actually afraid of, however, I'm sure you can find something appropriate! Or you might just tell everyone how horrible I am. Please, if you need ideas-"

"We won't be doing that" Hajime cut in, "Kazuichi, are you willing to forgive him?"

The mechanic was looking intently between the two of them, brows furrowing. Finally, after a good moment, he sighed, relenting.

"Alright, fine" he agreed, "I can't say no if Hajime is staring at me like that. I forgive you. Just, can you not do it again? Please?"

Komaeda looked genuinely surprised. He fidgeted with his hands, now, glancing over at Hajime. The other gave him a nod, in what he hoped was encouragement.

"I...thank you, Soda-kun" the white-haired boy's voice was quieter, "I don't think I deserve your forgiveness, but if this is what you wish to decide on...how graceful of you! I promise I won't ever do something like that again!"

It was said in his usual, carefree tone, but Hajime recognized its sincerity. 

He felt _proud_ , of both of them, and that made him want to groan. He really had gotten soft. 

"Great. Awesome. Um. Then, I'll be. Yes..." Kazuichi muttered as he went back to work.

The front part of the cage really was removable. It came off easily after Kazuichi unscrewed it. He leaned it over on the wall as Hajime removed the old mattress.  
He was already getting excited about the prospect of dumping it in the darkest corner of the warehouse. He never wanted to see that thing again.

"Hinata-kun, did you...make this?" 

Komaeda's voice sounded amazed. He was touching the new mattress with his healthy hand, carefully, as if he was afraid to damage it. 

"Wasn't that hard" Hajime shrugged, "Took me a while to find the right materials, but I think it came out pretty good. Kazuichi seemed to think so"

"H-Hey!" the other glared at him from across the room, "Um, Komaeda, he's just joking, I didn't touch it-" 

"This is..." the white-haired boy wasn't listening at all, "Hinata-kun, what..."

His voice trailed off as he traced his fingers over the intricate embroidery on the side. 

"Uh, just thought it would look nice?" Hajime was only now realizing that Kazuichi was right, this was such a weird thing to do, "You know, since it's yours?"

The other was silent, repeatedly touching the writing. He looked transfixed, eyes wide. Hajime was getting more nervous.

"Um...did I get the kanji right?" he asked.

He was sure he did, it seemed ridiculous he wouldn't, with how many Ultimates related to writing he had. But Komaeda's silence was making him doubt himself. Maybe he got distracted and messed something up?

"Y-Yes! It's..." Komaeda finally spoke, voice quivering in a familiar manner, "It's....my name"

Hajime should have been relieved, the other sounded happy.   
The problem was, it wasn't just happy. It was _Komaeda happy_. Which meant Hajime was now at a very real risk of getting tackled. Or having to coax the other out of a corner where he would be sitting, muttering to himself. Recently, starting a way-too-long kiss that would probably devolve into mild groping at some point had also become a possibility.

None of these options were appealing with Kazuichi in the room. **Especially** that last one.

"What do you think of it?" Hajime tried to make the other focus on the writing instead of himself.

"Beautiful" the answer was immediate, "Thinking Hinata-kun would write my name...like this..." he almost breathed out those last words.

Oh, no, no, no. Hajime could catch the exact moment the inflection in Komaeda's voice changed. This was going straight into danger territory, now.

Dammit. Hajime wanted to scream at himself as much as he wanted to scream at Komaeda, because the other's tone was making him heat up. It was like he was starting to get a pavlovian response or something. 

"Right, great!" he turned around to Kazuichi, "Are we ready to set it up, then?"

"...uh...yes?" the mechanic's eyes were darting between him and Komaeda, his expression confused and mildly uncomfortable.

 _Kazuichi, please, be even more oblivious than you usually are, please,_ Hajime prayed in his mind as the two of them dragged the mattress over and situated it in the cage.

It fit perfectly, not that Hajime doubted himself on that, he was precise. But with how thick and clearly luxurious the new addition was, it also gave the cage a different look. Suddenly, instead of a weird nest-like space with mismatched blankets and a barely inflated pool mattress, it looked like something out of a catalog. Well, in a way, it was completely custom...

Out of a very specific, niche catalog. Hajime considered if maybe he should have provided some nicer sheets, too. Black would have been a good color. Actually, he could match the pillows to fit. Black and white? Or silver?  
Remembering how Komaeda always shuffled around trying to avoid the sun, he imagined putting some curtains on it. Matching the sheets, preferably. And maybe-

He finally realized where his mind was going, felt it stop like a runner tripping before the finish line. 

_What the hell was he just imagining?_

It was bad enough he was enabling this whole cage business. And watching Komaeda lounge around in it. And sleeping in there with him. And he'd built an entire custom mattress, complete with _emboidered initials_. The last thing he needed was to now start decorating the damn thing.

Hajime knew he had issues, but this was still an entirely new can of worms. One he, similarly to actual worms, didn't want to touch with a ten-foot pole. 

The mechanic proceeded to put the front of the cage back in its place. He straightened up when he was done, assessing his work.

"Hey, looks pretty good, actually" he stated, "Shit, I thought this whole cage thing was freaky. But now it seems so...comfortable..."

"Please, not you too" Hajime silenced him, groaning, "Don't say another word"

"Wow...it's..."

They both turned around to look at Komaeda, who was staring at the cage with wide eyes. He approached slowly, dragging his hand along the bars. 

"You're just gonna stare at it?" Kazuichi questioned, "I mean, knock yourself out, but Hajime didn't make that mattress for staring at, you know?"

Komaeda looked back at him, almost startled. He eyed Hajime, then the cage. Slowly, as if he was entering a wobbly boat on the water, he crawled back in.

"Ah! How soft..." his hesitation seemed to disappear as he felt the mattress, and he threw himself onto it.

"Told you!" Kazuichi grinned, "Uh, wait, I mean, I definitely didn't touch it-"

"I'm glad you like it" 

Hajime spoke softly, crouching next to the entrance. Komaeda stopped rolling around to stare back at him, hair falling in his face. 

"It's...amazing" the other smiled, "I don't deserve this sort of thing at all...what incredible luck...I mean. Thank you, Hinata-kun"

Shit, Hajime had a really hard time caring about how weird it was, now. Not when it made Komaeda this happy. He would have let him live in a broom closet, probably, if he could see that smile every morning. 

Would he sleep with him in the broom closet, too? 

Unfortunately, the answer was yes.

"You should at least put some sheets on it" he remarked, "And don't worry if you spill something, I predicted that. It has a waterproof layer. Just remember to air it off-"

"Okay, Hinata-kun!" the other kept smiling, staring at him. 

Genuinely happy Komaeda was bad for Hajime's heart. Actually, scratch that, Komaeda _in general_ was bad for his heart.

"Um...Great?!" Kazuichi spoke up, reminding them both he was still there, "So...I think I'm going to leave now? Uh? You two probably have like...check-ups to do? Medicine to take? I mean, not you, Hajime-" the nervousness was basically sweating off of him, "Yeah! So I'll leave you to it! Great work, bro! I'll see you later!"

He was out the door in seconds, leaving behind a distinct aura of body spray and discomfort.

Hajime groaned a little. Shit, the other was definitely suspicious now. Who wouldn't be, after seeing _that_ display? 

Komaeda was not a subtle kind of guy, really, he was probably the farthest from it. But Hajime was learning that apparently, he wasn't as sly as he'd thought, either. At least when it came to pretending like he totally didn't want to kiss Komaeda every five seconds. 

Kazuichi was too oblivious and awkward to mention it to anyone, or really piece things together, hopefully. Look at the positive side, right?

Hajime still knew the next time the two of them sat at the dinner table, he would be getting some very strange looks from the mechanic. 

"Ah...this is really unbelievable..." Komaeda murmured, "A gift like this, from Hinata-kun. This is way too much for someone like me..."

"What, would you have preferred something else?" Hajime huffed, because really, he was actually quite insecure about how weird his gifts were, "Should I bring you flowers?"

"Flowers?" Komaeda's eyes widened, "Huh...what a generic choice! How fitting, for Hinata-kun..."

He wasn't even doing a good job at the teasing, now. His tone was taunting, but he was looking away, a faint blush dusting his cheeks. 

"You look like you'd like some" Hajime stated, because he couldn't quite resist, "Isn't that a romantic thing to do? I think it is..."

Actually, he had no idea. He had already realized his idea of romance, or relationships in general, was a complete mess. But then again, he wasn't trying to date just anyone. This was Nagito Komaeda. Mess was probably the way to go.

"Um...I really like it, Hinata-kun" the boy in question sat up again, "I'm not sure what I did to deserve something so amazing. I can't tell you how happy I am right now!"

"That's...good. Great. Yeah" Hajime nodded, looking around.

_Don't kiss him, don't kiss him, do not-_

"I will be sleeping so well now I might never wake up!" the other laughed, "Ah, I wouldn't mind, since it's made by Hinata-kun..."

"If you ever say that again, I'll make you sleep on the ceiling, instead" Hajime deadpanned.

"Um, I think I would prefer if that didn't happen, no offense..."

The brown-haired boy was smiling, despite everything. As strange as this was, he couldn't care anymore.

Komaeda was strange. Hajime was strange. Them being together was strange. 

But he felt happy.

"Since you said you were so bored" Hajime got up, and glanced pointedly at the coat neatly put away on the bed, "I'll bring the chessboard. You still need to practice the french defense. Actually, did I show you the sicilian yet? I should..."

"I practiced that one already..." Komaeda pouted a little, "Hmm...but I want to get better...."

"Exactly" Hajime nodded, "So no whining"

He ended up talking about chess openings for way longer than they were actually playing, not that Komaeda seemed to mind. He did keep knocking over the pieces, though, and it took Hajime way too long to realize he was doing it on purpose.

Komaeda still hasn't won once, but it didn't feel like it mattered.

Hajime was thinking it over in his head later, as he carried the toolbox (which Kazuichi left behind) back to his 'cave'. About how Komaeda kept playing with him, even though there was not a real possibility of winning. Everyone else would get frustrated at some point, but he didn't even seem to mind.  
Then again, Fuyuhiko _still_ kept inviting him to card game breaks. And thinking of crazier and crazier variations in hopes of outplaying the other. It never worked. 

It made Hajime feel a bit awkward, but also, it was...pleasant. He knew they were just trying to make him feel included, probably, but still, they were making effort just for him. 

He couldn't remember feeling that way before. Did he even...have friends, back when he was younger? He probably did. Maybe.

His early life was a little blurry, nowadays, most likely a combination of the forced lobotomy, the trauma, and the memory loss. He remembered his parents, somewhat, but his school life seemed to lack detail.  
It was very possible his school years prior to Hope's Peak were simply that unremarkable. He wouldn't be surprised. He really was a boring person. 

His gloomy thoughts were chased away when his gaze landed on the desk below the toolbox shelves. 

_The shell._

He considered it, again. He had dismissed Kazuichi's idea, at first, doing kintsugi on a shell, of all things, seemed weird. Especially since it was so small.  
But he was talented. And, well. Was that not a way to resolve the issue?

Komaeda liked pretty things. If Hajime did a good job, they shell could look nice. Balancing out the bad luck, so that it turned out good in the end. 

He groaned a little. He was not going to start thinking like Komaeda. He was already thinking too much _about_ him. 

Hajime found the leftover lacquer he'd used before pretty easily. He got worried for a moment, thinking there was no gold powder left, but thankfully, there seemed to be just enough. As soon as he started working, he realized he needed to tweak the formula a little - the lacquer was meant for pottery, and didn't really stick to the shell. 

He could work it out. The desk got cluttered with various chemicals and bottles as he kept trying, the mess growing, somehow. He thought he should make a robot to carry stuff around in the cave for him or something. Then he could stop getting up every five seconds to go retrieve something from a box that was under fifty other boxes.

He could have just cleaned up as well, but that wasn't happening. 

He was sure he almost had it, the liquid finally beginning to appear the correct consistency, when a sudden voice shattered his concentration.

"I knew you'd be here!"

Hajime turned around rapidly, except the old office chair he was using didn't like that. The force he used made him spin around, so he had to awkwardly shuffle back to face whoever was talking to him. 

He already knew, who, anyway. He recognized that accusatory tone well.

"I swear, I was trying to catch you earlier but-" Mahiru was about to rant, clearly, but stopped, "...ew. What is that smell? And what are you wearing?"

"Should I answer question one or two first?" Hajime asked.

"Don't even start" she persisted, "And take that mask off"

"I don't think I should. Actually, you shouldn't be in here without a mask, either. These chemicals are-"

"Then get out!" 

Hajime was dragged forcefully away from his unfinished work, out into the harsh sunlight. Mahiru didn't stop once as she yanked him by the hand, he barely had time to chuck the gas mask into a box. 

He'd be angry at getting interrupted, but Mahiru looked **mad**. Like, really mad. The way only she could get. She was very level-headed, in general, but that only made this scarier. 

"Okay, I feel like I'm really not getting something here" Hajime lifted his hands up when they finally stopped, outside in the workshop courtyard, "If anything happened, I have alibi for today, so-"

"No, you don't!" 

Oh. This was really, really bad. Mahiru wasn't just mad, she was mad _specifically_ at Hajime. 

"I can't believe you!" she huffed, shuffling around in frustration, "Not telling any of us anything.."

"Mahiru, I swear I have no clue what you're talking about"

"Then let me show you"

Not waiting for agreement, she turned on her camera, showing the digital display in Hajime's face. He had to take a moment to focus his eyes, but when he did, cold dread ran down his back.

The picture was pretty dark, but he could still make everything out. It was from the beach, the stars reflecting in the mirror of the water. It was actually a little shaken, which was very unusual for Mahiru. That suggested she must have been taking it in an extreme hurry.

Which was explained when one realized it was a picture of Hajime and Komaeda. More specifically, a picture of Hajime carrying Komaeda on his back, getting out of the water.

_It was a picture from last night._

"Wha-" Hajime couldn't even hide how horrified he was, "Why- What- How do you have this?!"

"I should be the one asking questions here!" Mahiru yelled back at him. 

"I don't- This isn't-" Hajime's brain was frying itself, "Listen, this-"

"I was out photographing the night sky" she relented, "I was trying to figure out the right exposure settings since I've actually never shot a horizon this bright at night. But then I heard something splash in the water, and I thought it was a wild seal or something. That would have been such a nice shot...so I crawled closer, carefully. Instead of a seal, I saw you! And Komaeda!" 

Well.

Hajime was fucked.

There was no way to get out of this one. Maybe if Mahiru didn't have any evidence, he could just play it off as her eyes tricking her at night. But the picture, as shaken and dark as it was, couldn't be undermined. Komaeda's white hair was obvious in the night, shining with the reflecting moonlight. 

He felt so stupid. This was the second time someone had seen him, actually, now, it was both of them. He'd wriggled out of it before, quietly skillfully, but this wasn't going to be so easy. He wanted to curse himself out. Why hadn't he tried to take a less obvious route? 

Because he was giddy from his confession and had Komaeda's legs wrapped around him. Yeah, probably that.

"I...yes. I mean. I can't deny it-" Hajime sighed.

"I really hope you weren't planning on that" Mahiru frowned, crossing her arms, "Because I'm already thinking that of taking back every time I said you were reliable"

"I'm sorry!" he finally said, "Please, just let me explain-"

"Oh you will" she narrowed her eyes at him, "And you better do it quickly"

Hajime opened his mouth, eager to do just that, but stopped.

Because, actually, what the hell was he supposed to say?

He couldn't tell Mahiru he and Komaeda were...dating, or whatever it was they were doing now. He realized that in seconds. For one, she would probably freak out, but more so - he couldn't tell anyone before consulting it with Komaeda. That would just be unfair. The other was clearly overwhelmed just by the prospect of his feelings being reciprocated. Having other people know, that was too much. He hadn't even talked to any of them in what by this point was weeks. 

"I...um...actually..." he was not looking at Mahiru, trying desperately to think of something to say.

"You **are** trying to deny it!" she sounded disbelieving, "Hajime, you better have a really good reason for this..."

"I do, actually!" he stated, because of this, he was confident, at least, "Listen, I-"

He inhaled a little before continuing.

"Mahiru, I'm sorry, I really am" he said, "I wasn't lying, not entirely. Komaeda really was feeling unwell, and I really was taking care of him. It's just...there's a lot of things I haven't said. I still can't say everything, it's just-"

"But say something!" she insisted, "Hajime, please. Do you even know how worried we get?"

_Worried?_

The boy frowned.

"Of course you don't" she sighed, "Hajime, you've been disappearing in Komaeda's cottage for hours. Sometimes, we go look for you, and you're nowhere. Hiyoko had already started saying 'oh, he's at that creepshow's place again'. Everyone is talking about it. Why are you there constantly, where is Komaeda, what is happening? I...we even got worried that maybe he..."

She choked up for a moment, not looking at his face.

"Hajime, I...can see that you're happy, or at least, you've been in good spirits. But Komaeda still doesn't leave. Or at least I thought he didn't, but apparently, you two do piggyback rides on the beach at night? I don't understand. What is going on? This has been happening for far too long to just be a bad moment. If it was, you would have dragged him to the hospital by now"

He had done that, actually, but the other wouldn't know. Mikan kept patient confidentiality, at least.

"And today, that mattress? Hajime, what was up with that?"

"How do you know?" he couldn't stop himself from asking.

"Ibuki told me" she sighed, "She and Ryota were helping Imposter during their usual session of 'standing in a high place and observing the island through binoculars because apparently, that can help us control if nothing dangerous is happening'"

Hajime really was stupid. He had forgotten all about the eyes of the island that was Imposter and their little cheerleading team. Was today a Sunday? They usually did it on Sundays. 

Dammit.

"She said Imposter saw you carrying a really large mattress?" Mahiru continued, "Hajime, I seriously can't piece this together. What is happening?"

Hajime couldn't piece it together either. Should he be honest? 

"Hajime, please. We're worried. I'm worried!"

Maybe he should have been honest from the start.

"Okay" he relented, "Okay, I'll tell you. But...sit down, maybe. And please let me explain properly"

Mahiru didn't look like she trusted him entirely, but compliantly let them both sit down at a bench. Hajime had to take a moment to breathe before he could begin.

He told her everything. Or, actually, everything, except for anything that suggested the nature of his and Komaeda's relationship. And the bondage. Yeah, he would not say a word about that. 

But he told her about the cage, since it was difficult to explain anything otherwise. Her eyes were wide, expression as weirded out as Hajime's probably was when he'd entered Komaeda's cottage that fateful day.

He still couldn't quite believe how the situation escalated. If someone had told him before that he would end up having feelings for Komaeda, he would have never believed them. Well, actually, he would have denied it, but he now knew the seeds of his realization have been there for a while.   
But he never expected this. It was such pure chance, as well. If he'd never followed Kazuichi back then, never broke into the cottage, never insisted on staying - would he have ever learned of Komaeda's feelings? Or his own?  
As idiotic as it was, he was grateful for the stupid cage, somewhat. Because if Komaeda never came up with that idea, if Hajime didn't have weird tastes, none of this would have happened. He might have never known. 

He didn't want to imagine a reality where he never got to tell Komaeda he liked him, not anymore. It was almost scary how comfortable this was, how quickly he fell into it, how much he didn't want to ever get out. 

He told Mahiru about how he'd been trying to coax Komaeda out of his isolation, once again, skipping the part about the rope. At that, she seemed to finally calm down, since it explained the nighttime outings. She still had questions, though.

"Okay, but why were you carrying him?"

"He got tired"

"Why does he only leave at night?"

"We want to avoid people as much as possible"

"Why do you spend so much time with him?"

"I'm trying to get him to open up more"

Mahiru didn't exactly look satisfied with his answers, but she was taking them, at least. 

"Hajime, this whole thing is....bizarre, to say the least" she admitted slowly, "But I can accept it, mostly. I mean, it's Komaeda. If there's anyone I would suspect of pulling something like that, it would be him. And I understand you worry about his health, with how much work you put into that research. But you've just been spending so much time there. I was worried he was getting into your head..."

If only she knew how accidentally right she was. Komaeda had gotten into his head, alright. And into his heart.

"The truth is, well..." Hajime stared at the ground, "Somehow, during these weeks together, me and Komaeda...we've become...quite good friends. I know how it sounds, but. I feel comfortable around him. I just started to enjoy our time together, and I kind of forgot why I was doing it in the first place..."

Now that was a true, proper lie of omission. 

_Good friends._

If good friends had their tongues down each other's throats approximately fifteen minutes after waking up in the morning, then maybe. Yeah. Very good friends. 

"I'm not judging you for that, Hajime" Mahiru stated, which made him surprised, "How could I? That'd just be hypocritical of me. I know very well what it's like to enjoy the company of someone everyone else wants to stay away from..."

Hajime hadn't thought about that. To be fair, while Hiyoko could be...unpleasant, she was decidedly less _threatening_ than Komaeda. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized the similarities between his and Mahiru's situations.

Was it just the destiny of the responsible types to end up with the weirdos?

"I...just hadn't realized" Mahiru continued, "I'm sorry. I should be more open-minded, but I just couldn't help getting worried. I suppose I...still have trouble trusting people" 

There was a sad smile on her face, and Hajime was immediately brought back to those first days after she woke up. She looked so guilty, even more so than everyone else. It took three months before she looked Fuyuhiko in the eyes properly even once. 

"I understand" Hajime shook his head, "The way you presented it, I get it now. Of course you would get worried, if I just kept disappearing into Komaeda's cottage for hours. I didn't even realize how long I was gone for...I'm sorry" he apologized again, "And I can't fault you for not trusting him. I trust him, now, but I had a lot more time to get to know him. You...don't even have memories of him from _back then_ , do you?"

"I feel like I might, but I wouldn't be able to tell" she confirmed, "I don't remember much at all"

Just like everyone else. The time they spent under the control of the brainwashing was hazy to them, the horrific nature of it making them block out some memories.   
Hajime was unique in that regard. Kamukura was disinterested, but perceptive. He remembered a lot, even if there were no emotions, no desires, no actual feelings attached to any of it. No one else remembered Servant, not really. They barely remembered themselves.

"Komaeda is...strange, I know that" Hajime admitted, "But the truth is, so am I. I just-"

"You don't need to rationalize something like that" Mahiru shook her head, "Hajime, I never meant to make you feel like there was something wrong about who you choose to spend your time with. I was just worried if you weren't...feeling bad, too. You seemed chipper, but you know that doesn't work with you. No one can read you"

"I'm feeling great, actually" he stated.

And it wasn't a lie. He was nervous, a lot more now than before, but in general, these past few weeks have been exciting. In a good way.

"I believe you" Mahiru smiled just a bit, "I'm still angry you didn't say anything for such a long time, but I guess I can see where you were coming from. Just please don't do it again?"

Hajime felt really, really guilty. Because he was already doing it again. Lies of omission, and more lies of omission.

"Okay..." he agreed.

"Good" she nodded, "Then, just one more thing"

Something else? Hajime was getting nervous again.

"The picture" Mahiru reminded, "I still don't have a single one of him. I can't finish the album like this. I wanted to have it ready for the summer festival"

Hajime blinked, sitting there quietly. He didn't know what to say. 

"Um..." he finally started, seeing as Mahiru was just staring at him expectantly, "You could...come over? To his cottage?"

"No way" she immediately shot it down, "There isn't enough space for a good shot. And the lighting inside the cottages is horrible"

Hajime thought it wasn't that bad, as he remembered how the morning sun rays always danced on Komaeda's skin. 

He was definitely biased, though.

"Well, I don't think he would want to leave..."

"Hajime, have you considered maybe what he wants isn't always what's good for him?" she placed her hands on her hips, questioning.

The boy was silent again, processing the sentence.

"I understand you're trying to be gentle" she continued, "And I don't disagree with that approach, not entirely. But from what you told me, it doesn't sound like he's planning on leaving. I...know better than anyone else that sometimes you need someone to push you in the right direction" she looked away for a moment. 

"What are you suggesting?" Hajime asked.

"Well..." she considered, "I think you should bring him over to hang out. And we could take the picture, then"

Hajime was actually quite surprised. This was a bold thing to propose.

"During the day?" he waited for her to nod, "He won't agree enthusiastically, probably. But I can propose it. And...where, do you think?"

"The beach should be good"

"I agree" Hajime nodded, "Okay. I'll ask him bout it. And...I'm sorry, again" 

"It's fine" she shook her head, "Just make sure to tell him"

"I will" 

They were about to part ways, but Hajime remembered something at the last moment.

"Oh, um, Mahiru?" he asked, a little nervous, "Could you...delete that picture? Maybe?"

She narrowed her eyes at him, pensive. After a moment, a small smirk made its way onto her face.

"No" she declined.

"Eh? Why not?"

"Let's say it will be motivation" she smiled wider, "Technically speaking, it's a picture with Komaeda in it. If you don't want me to use it for the album, make sure I have an opportunity to take a different one, okay?"

Hajime was speechless. 

Mahiru wasn't often like this, neither playful, nor quite so cunning. But he had to admit he deserved it.

"...okay. I understand" he sighed.

She only smiled at him, waving her camera almost threateningly as they headed in different directions. He wanted to roll his eyes, but, well. You reap what you sow, he supposed.

He was already getting nervous about how he was going to bring this up to Komaeda.

He tried when they were lazing around after dinner. Komaeda had been reading the book to him again, and they were almost done. 

"I still think it's the quiet girl" Hajime insisted, "She is decidedly too boring to not be hiding something. I just get that feeling, you know?"

"Hinata-kun, I told you not to guess..." Komaeda pouted a bit, "Now I'm sure it's going to be her. You're always right"

"Sorry" Hajime laughed quietly, "But I could be wrong"

"No, no way" Komaeda shook his head, putting the book away, "Ah, and I was almost getting invested...there's no point to reading to the end, now..."

"That's not true" Hajime argued, "Even if it was really her, we still don't know her motive, right? And how did she do it? I mean, this would mean she was the one behind the first murder, too...it makes no sense, does it?"

"If the Ultimate Detective can't figure it out, then maybe it is interesting..." Komaeda considered.

Hajime smiled at him, stretching his arms above his head. He was spending an awful lot of time on the floor, nowadays. He should bring himself a pillow or something. 

"Hinata-kun..." Komaeda murmured, leaning against the entrance of the cage a little, "How was your day?"

Hajime stared back at him, and moved a little closer. 

"Uh? Okay, I guess?" besides being interrogated by Mahiru, he supposed, "I was working on some stuff in the workshop, mostly. Uh, well, until I heard Kazuichi screaming in the courtyard. I went out to see what happened, and I saw him running away from one of the large construction robots. You know, the tall ones?" he waited for the other to nod, "Well, the weird thing was, Sonia was sitting in the robot. She looked very confused. But at the same time, she was leading the robot in the wrong direction, actually, it seemed intent on beating Kazuichi to a pulp. I had to intervene before she crashed it into something" he shook his head, "I asked them what happened, and apparently Sonia really wanted to try piloting it? She said she'd been watching that 'Evangelion' thing with Ryota. I thought she was more into dramas, but apparently, she'd been trying to 'broaden her horizons' again..."

He saw Komaeda smile a little. As subtle as it was, it still made Hajime smile right back. 

"Imposter stated they're now considering banning any anime or otherwise media involving mecha" Hajime relayed, "Ryota was protesting, obviously, so I don't think it's going to happen. They have a soft spot for him. But everyone is banned from touching the robots, now, unless I'm supervising"

"I think that's fair..." Komaeda admitted, "Ah, but I almost want to watch that show for myself, now. I was never into things like that as a child, I don't think...but if it's able to inspire such hope..."

"I'm sure Ryota would be more than glad to have another victim" the other confirmed, "Just a warning, though, he does not do breaks. Not at all. Even I was exhausted after the marathon he put me through, and I can stay up for an entire week if I want to"

"I would probably just fall asleep then...haha" 

Hajime, as it had been the case many times before, was not succeeding in breaching the topic he was trying to breach.

He knew he needed to mention what Mahiru proposed, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. His evening with Komaeda was just so _nice_. They'd been discussing chess strategies over the food, which was interrupted by Hajime feeding the other spring rolls. He used chopsticks, this time, at least, but it didn't help much. Komaeda even ate in a cute way.   
And Hajime knew he didn't have to hold his hand while they were reading. He still did it. Also, kept smiling at how Komaeda stuttered in his speech every time Hajime moved his fingers too much.

It just felt like all of his dreams of their domestic illusion came true. He was just too lazy, too complacent to break it at the moment. Now that he knew he could have this, it was hard to want anything else. 

Was this why people said being in love made you stupid? 

He just didn't feel up to it tonight. But he could try bringing up something else. He had been planning on that, anyway, before Mahiru surprised him. He could just try to breach the harder topic later.

Actually, what he had been planning on was a pretty...well, not hard, exactly, but a complicated topic. So he prepared. 

Komaeda seemed to have finally noticed, too.

"Hinata-kun?" he looked behind the other, staring at the bed, "You brought a laptop?"

"Ah, yes" Hajime confirmed, getting up, "It's the communicator, actually. Um. Could you come sit next to me? Here?"

He sat down on the bed, placing the laptop on the nightstand he'd moved so it faced properly. He patted the space next to him when Komaeda kept staring. 

The other was still for a couple more seconds but finally made his way over. He sat down, keeping a centimeter of space between them, clearly on purpose. Hajime lifted an eyebrow, but didn't say anything. 

"There was something I wanted to talk with you...and some other people about. You're okay with that?" 

He wanted to make sure. The other nodded, and immediately started to fuss with his shirt, straightening it out. Then his hair, actually. Probably because he realized they were going to be making a video call.  
Hajime had to focus on booting up the communicator laptop because if he didn't, he'd kiss the other again. 

And it rarely ended on just one kiss. Hajime wanted to scream at himself for how little self-control he seemed to have, but he couldn't even be that angry. Komaeda was just far too pretty. The moment he realized he was now _allowed_ to think that way, all hell broke loose. He just didn't know what to do with himself, sometimes. Whenever the other did something particularly adorable, or was being too critical of himself, or teased Hajime again - he just wanted to jump him.  
It was bad. Hajime was truly horrified by how much of a lovesick idiot he could become. He never expected to have a side like that, and he was extremely lost as to what he should do about it. It was embarrassing. 

Then again, he'd already jerked off in Komaeda's shower. While the other was sitting in the cage, most likely confused as to why Hajime had left abruptly. He even hit his forehead on the bars, like it was a bad comedy show. 

Could it really get worse than that?

Probably, and that was the reason Hajime was focusing very deeply on establishing the conference call, and not at all on the boy next to him. 

"Okay, I think I've got it" he confirmed, hitting the button, "Just make sure to speak clearly, alright? This thing doesn't have the best microphone..."

"Hinata-kun, who are we-" Komaeda was interrupted by static coming from the laptop speakers.

Hajime sighed, before proceeding to change the channels. Since the world wide web was down, it had been ever since The Tragedy, everyone had to rely on private means of connection. For most, it meant Future Foundation technology. Jabberwock Island had a reception tower built specifically for this purpose, but, well, it wasn't exactly the most sophisticated thing. 

One time, it stopped working, and no one could figure out why, until Nekomaru climbed it and found that a seagull had made its nest there.

"-Hell-" the noise was still there, but Hajime could finally make out the words, "Hello? Can you hear me?"

"Yes" the brown-haired boy finally confirmed, "But we can't see you. Did you click the button?"

"Uhh...." the person on the other side sounded like they were shuffling around, "It should be on?"

Hajime thought for a second, before realizing.

"Take off the camera cover" he instructed, "A little thing on top of the camera? You have to slide it-"

"Ah, sorry! I see-"

The black screen in front of them was pushed to the side as someone's finger took center stage. That was taken away moments later, however, and they could now see a familiar face staring back at them.

"It's Future Foundation Branch Office Fourteen, Makoto Naegi. I'm glad to see you, Hinata-san!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise naegg appearance :) 
> 
> hajime&nagito: weirdly flirting over mattresses  
> kazuichi: i am very uncomfortable with the energy we've created in the studio today
> 
> 'body spray and discomfort' is kazuichi's twitter handle 
> 
> Hajime's love language is gifts bc he's too tsundere to say anything casually shshsh  
> the gifts are just as intense as his confessions tho
> 
> also yes, his hoarding is related to like how much shit you end up collecting from the mono-mono machine in the game  
> just walking around, my pockets full of blue ram...
> 
> as a curiosity: "ultimate melon farmer" is a reference to the absurdly expensive japanese melons you can buy as gifts. actually there's a whole industry of weird, fancy fruit in japan and there are literally people who devote their entire lives just to growing one specific type of luxury fruit  
> it's kind of wild??


	16. His work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hajime shares a lot more than he ever planned, and discovers a new path in the process.

Hajime waited patiently as Makoto fussed with the laptop on the other side of the screen. 

"I'm so sorry about that" Makoto laughed awkwardly, "It's a new communicator, I haven't figured everything out yet..."

"It's alright" Hajime nodded, "Please, don't worry about it"

"Um, right" the other seemed to be shuffling some papers around, "Ah, this is such a mess. Kyoko keeps leaving her documents here-"

Hajime felt a weight fall on his side.

Komaeda was clutching at his arm, the centimeters of distance between them forgotten. He was staring intently at the screen, and Hajime could feel how tense he was. Almost shivering.

_Oh no._

"H-Hello...Naegi-san..." Komaeda's voice was shaky, "How wonderful to see you!"

"Huh?" the boy in question finally lifted his head up again, "Oh! Hello..um...Komaeda-san!"

He definitely didn't even realize Komaeda was there at first. Hajime was polite enough not to mention it.

"A-Ah...I can't believe you remember who I am..." the hands latching onto Hajime's arm disappeared, Komaeda covering his face with them instead, "This is just...how lucky..."

Hajime sighed a little. He expected this, actually, he expected worse. Perhaps it was the fact they were separated by a screen, but Komaeda was actually somewhat holding himself together. This was quite tame for him. He hasn't even started mumbling nonsense yet. 

"It's nice to see you again, Komaeda-san" Makoto smiled, and Hajime groaned internally.

_You're making it worse._

"H-...Yes...T-Thank you...ah" 

And here came the mumbling. Hajime sighed, placing his hand on Komaeda's back. He brought the other a little closer again, awkwardly trying to calm him down.

"Naegi-san, please stop" he spoke to the boy on the other side of the screen, "Or he might actually pass out"

"Um...sorry?" Makoto was, understandably, confused.

"Nevermind" Hajime almost wanted to laugh, "Ah, right, first off, did you get the new report?"

"Yes" Makoto confirmed, disappearing from the screen again, "Togami brought it this morning...uh...it's somewhere? In here..."

More shuffling could be heard, followed by what sounded like a stack of documents scattering to the ground. Then another. A noise that suggested opening drawers. Documents, again. 

"I got it" Makoto, with his hair significantly more ruffled, came back into view, "Right here"

He waved the document in front of the camera, so close it was impossible to discern what it was.

"I'm glad" Hajime nodded, ignoring whether it actually was the report or not, "Has the Foundation agreed to provide the materials for this? There's an attached list if you want to see"

"Um, not quite yet..." Makoto looked away for a moment, "But I'll convince Togami, don't worry. He always comes around eventually"

Hajime could believe that. If there was one thing Makoto was good at, it was convincing people. Then again, he was both a good speaker and had an...unthreatening appearance. It was hard to refuse someone whose smiling face brought to mind a puppy.

Actually, he and Komaeda might have had that puppy thing in common. 

"I'll trust you to handle it, then" Hajime nodded, "Let's get down to what I wanted to discuss"

"Since Komaeda-san is here..." Makoto seemed to connect the dots, "I assume it's about the treatment research?"

At the mention of his name Komaeda's head finally snapped back up. He was still...jittery, Hajime noted, but seemed to have calmed down somewhat.  
Hajime was glad he'd set up the laptop in a way that ensured only their top halves were visible. Because that meant he could grab Komaeda's hand again, Makoto being none the wiser. Well, the way the white-haired boy immediately looked away, a small, nervous smile on his face - that might have appeared just a little suspicious.

Hajime wasn't sure if he was calming the other down or making it worse. But he couldn't bring himself to take his hand away, regardless.

"Yes" Hajime confirmed, "I think I'm ready to talk about it, now. I received the latest results just recently"

"How is it?" Makoto glanced over to Komaeda for a moment.

"Better" Hajime smiled a little, "A lot better, actually. If my prognosis is correct, we might just be a hair away from a zero percent increase. If I can achieve that, we will be able to declare a complete stop in the neuronal loss progression"

Makoto's eyes widened.

"Hinata-san, that's incredible" he said, "I can't say I know much about the scientific side of this, but from what our head researcher told me..."

Komaeda was glancing between the two of them, now, clearly trying to understand the conversation.

"I think we should fill Komaeda in, first" Hajime realized, "Sorry. I'm not sure where to start-"

"I believe I should be the one to explain" Makoto smiled, "Komaeda-san, we're talking about your treatment"

"My...treatment?" Komaeda questioned.

"Yes. You see..." Makoto seemed to gather his words for a moment, "I...obviously know about your condition. I never wished to breach your privacy in any way, but, well. It came up during the preparations for the Neo World Program. We had to do health checkups before hooking you up to the pods, and..."

The boy still had a guilty look on his face whenever he spoke about the program. Hajime didn't fault him, not anymore, but he also understood the nature of guilt like that quite well. It wasn't something that would just go away with a few words.

"When we realized the state you were in..." Makoto frowned a bit, "I'm ashamed to admit some even considered writing you off the rehabilitation program entirely since they assumed it wasn't worth it. Your life expectancy was frighteningly short..."

"Nonexistent, more like" Hajime shook his head, "I still have no idea how he stayed alive as long as he did. With no medicine to speak of, as well"

"I told you, Hinata-kun, it was just good luck" Komaeda shrugged, "Perhaps it was balancing out the bad luck of the killing game? But then again, that wasn't entirely bad luck..." he rested his chin on his hand, thinking.

"That would have been some incredible luck, indeed" Makoto laughed a little, "I guess I should know...?"

"Oh, your luck isn't at all like mine, Naegi-san!" Komaeda shook his head vehemently, "It far outweighs it. You are lucky, but it is nowhere the worthlessness of my own talent. After all, you are able to bring such great hope...I am honored someone like you would share my talent, even just in name..."

Hajime tried not to roll his eyes too much. This was somewhat better than the mumbling, he supposed.

And if he felt just a little pang of jealousy, he wouldn't admit it at gunpoint.

"Um...thank you?" Makoto clearly felt unsure about it, but smiled anyway, "As I was saying. I insisted you be brought into the program with everyone else, of course. And, well, I'm glad I did"

"Naegi-san asked about your condition soon after we settled" Hajime added, facing Komaeda, "I didn't reveal any details back then, but I did tell him about the treatments. He was very relieved when he heard you were discharged from the hospital"

"Naegi-san worrying about me...?" Hajime realized his mistake as soon as Komaeda spoke again, "Ah, that's just...entirely unnecessary...a worm such as myself..."

"Please do not compare yourself to a worm, the implications that has for _me_ are profoundly uncomfortable" Hajime complained.

Makoto was eyeing the two of them, visibly feeling like he was missing something. 

"Right..." he laughed awkwardly, "Well, the reason for why we're bringing this up is that while I never intended to learn about your illness, the progression of your treatment is a bit of an...important topic" he seemed to get more serious, "As you are probably aware, the Foundation is working hard right now to try and aid the restoration of society in any way possible"

"What a truly hopeful mission..." Komaeda smiled brightly, "Fit only for someone like Naegi-san!"

Hajime was glad about the handholding idea, now, because whenever Komaeda got like _this_ , he had a tendency to gesture a little too much. There was a very dangerously looking empty mug on the nightstand. Hajime, after a moment, placed it down on the floor instead.

Just in case.

"I'm not the only one working on it" Makoto laughed again, "There's a lot of us. More and more every day, actually. Especially the survivors we recover often desire to volunteer" he noted, "And that's precisely why I and Hinata-san have been thinking of bringing this up now. Recently, we acquired some new staff for our science and research branch. There are esteemed names amongst them, working in international cooperation. Their primary goal right now is gathering and cataloging as much already known research data as they can, especially in the medical field. During the Tragedy, a staggering number of scientific discoveries have been lost, either in writing or...in people. And with how many injured and sick there are right now, that is a particularly worrying state of things..." he seemed to be thoughtful for a moment, before smiling again, "But that's not a topic for now. Right now, the important thing is, Hinata-san has been a tremendous help in recovering the knowledge"

"I have been aiding the Foundation for a while now" Hajime explained, "My Ultimates also come with expertise, although as I told you before, it's unfortunately hard for me to be aware of it unless it's prompted. Regardless, I have still managed to compile a lot of research of the previous Ultimates whose talents, I assume, were used to create...me"

Komaeda was staring at him, eyes wide. 

"I didn't know anything about this..." he frowned a little.

"I never told anyone" Hajime admitted, "Truth be, I was hoping to keep you guys away from the Future Foundation stuff. I prefer to leave my own work to myself"

He knew that it was a bit of a hypocritical move, as he himself should probably also be focused only on their current situation. They had more than enough work on the island.  
But Hajime wasn't the same as everyone else. He understood that well, he experienced it every single day. He could take a lot more. He _should_ take a lot more, even though it would never make up for everything that happened.

But it made him feel like he was trying, at least. The more work he had, the less time there was for feeling unnecessary things, too.

"We are very grateful for everything Hinata-san has been doing" Makoto stated, smiling.

Those words didn't mean much to Hajime, and he wasn't sure if it was just because they came from Makoto.  
It was part of it, probably: he was a great guy in general, but sort of...naive. Hajime supposed one had to be, to still inspire hope in such dire circumstances as Makoto had. He definitely forgave people too easily, though. As long as they were sorry, he was willing to give a second chance to nearly anyone. Hajime couldn't understand it, not fully.  
How Makoto could look at someone like him, knowing precisely what happened, and yet, still thank him.

Then again, if Makoto wasn't like that, it was very likely that none of them would now be alive. So, in a way, Hajime couldn't be mad at him.

"Even though I was hoping not to involve anyone else..." Hajime looked over to Komaeda, now.

He was tracing patterns on the other's hand with his thumb, unconsciously.

"I wanted to ask if we could share the details of your treatment with the Foundation" 

Komaeda blinked, staring at him. 

"Details of my treatment?" he questioned.

"Komaeda-san, what Hinata-san had managed to do..." Makoto spoke up again, "Even with the limited results he provided us with, it's incredible. This is something unprecedented. There had never been a proven cure for your condition"

"It's not a cure" Hajime protested, "It's merely a way to prevent the progression of the neuronal loss. It would not help someone in a critical state"

"That's just as amazing, Hinata-san" Makoto shook his head, "If this sort of treatment could become commonplace, with early enough diagnosis, it would be possible to completely eliminate the issue in most patients. At least, that's what the researchers told me..."

"Technically speaking, yes" Hajime confirmed, "We can't yet know how universal my methods are, since I've only had one patient. But that's why I was thinking about sharing this research" he looked over at Komaeda again, "I wanted to ask for your permission. If you agree, we will provide the Foundation with access to detailed records I have of your medical history, so obviously, I want to make sure you're okay with that"

Komaeda was silent for a moment, staring between the two of them.

Hajime had to admit, he was a bit nervous about this. He had actually been the one to originally propose the idea, after Makoto reacted with such amazement to hearing that Komaeda was getting better. He'd been sharing a lot, if not most, of the results of his work on the island with the Foundation, so this seemed like a natural step. As disconnected as he felt to the talents that made it possible, he understood how important of a discovery the treatment was.  
He had other reasons, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to talk about them.

"I...don't see why you would feel the need to ask me for something like this?" Komaeda finally spoke up again, his free hand fiddling with his hair, "I'm not sure if my results will really be of much use...my luck could very well be messing with them...but if it can help bring hope, of course! Please, feel free to do whatever you want! You didn't need to-" 

"I wanted to ask not just because it's your records" Hajime cut in, "Technically speaking, I could provide them the info without revealing your identity. But..." he looked over at Makoto, who was smiling encouragingly, still, "I was thinking...if you maybe wanted us to sign your name on the research?"

Komaeda's eyes widened.

"If you requested it, we would write down your name as the first patient that agreed to the experimental treatment and provided the data" Makoto confirmed, "Of course, there would be no other identifying information, as we can't risk someone recognizing you - you are probably the least likely person to be picked out as a former Ultimate Despair, but it's still a possibility. The name itself won't be a clue, in any case, and Hinata-san stated you might...want this"

Hajime tensed up a little, feeling Komaeda's fingers twitch against his own. 

He wasn't actually sure what the other would think, not fully. But it was something he just couldn't get out of his head. Ever since the possibility of sharing these results came up, he constantly thought about what Komaeda would say. If he would want to know.

"My name...?" Komaeda was visibly having trouble processing the idea, "Why would that..."

"Komaeda"

Hajime lowered his voice to more of a whisper, enough so that he knew the microphone wouldn't pick it up. Not that it was necessary, because Makoto seemed to have immediately realized what was going on, and politely moved away from the camera. Pretending to organize documents, in a way that was clearly just meant to make them feel more comfortable. Hajime appreciated the effort, at least. 

"I...was thinking about what you told me, back then, at the hospital. And, well, many times later on. Even recently..." Hajime trailed off.

_"I believed if I died for hope, my life could finally mean something"_

"You always talked about it. How ready you were to sacrifice everything, even your own life, for the sake of bringing hope" he realized he was grasping the other's hand a bit too strongly, but he kept going, "I hate hearing it, especially now, but...I understand. More than I did before, at least"

"Hinata-kun...?"

"So, when we were talking about it with Naegi, I...I knew I didn't want to involve you guys. But, I realized, that maybe you would have wanted this. It didn't feel right to just ignore it. I wanted you...I wanted you to at least know"

The other was silent, his eyes boring into Hajime's skull. Intent, listening. Hajime realized how used he'd gotten to this.

It made him nervous, but, in a way, it also gave him determination. Knowing someone was so focused on him, made him feel like his words held weight. He felt important.

That was still a feeling he desperately chased, sometimes.

"Komaeda" when he spoke again, his voice was more confident, "I wanted to ask for a while now. Tell me, have you ever considered living for the sake of hope instead?"

"Living...?" Komaeda frowned.

"You always talk about death" Hajime explained, "Whenever there was a situation that allowed it, you were always the first to propose it. I'll sacrifice myself if it means everyone else can reach greater hope. Please use me. Please let me become your stepping stone"

Komaeda looked...surprised. As if he didn't believe anyone actually listened to him. Or perhaps hearing his own words in someone else's mouth was just strange. It certainly felt strange to say it.

"Have you ever considered you might be able to bring more hope by staying alive than your death ever would?" Hajime questioned.

Komaeda frowned a little, trying to digest his words. His fingers fiddled around nervously between Hajime's own, the cold seeping from his skin.

"Hinata-kun...I told you already, didn't I?" Komaeda questioned, "I was never going to live long. In fact, it was better if I didn't. My luck...it brings misery to everyone around me. An existence like mine...there is no way it can bring hope. I always believed that the only way for an existence like this to be useful to the world is to perish for the sake of something greater-"

"But you didn't" Hajime protested, "And from the looks of it, it's not going to happen anytime soon. No, actually-" he frowned a little, "Now, after everything I know, I don't think I could let you die. I don't think I could allow it"

He didn't know where that thought came from. Who was he to decide if Komaeda could die or not? But once again, when it came to the other, he had trouble thinking straight. All he knew was that even imagining Komaeda would die, now - it made every nerve in his body scream out in protest.  
He realized how stupid that was. Komaeda could die just as anyone else could, everyone would die, one day. But his heart didn't listen to his brain. 

"How arrogant of you, Hinata-kun..." even as Komaeda's words were supposedly irritated, his voice wasn't, "Ah, but I suppose I'm really not any better, huh? Since hearing you say that makes me happy..."

The white-haired boy leaned forward a little, resting his forehead against the other's shoulder. Hajime immediately looked over to the screen, panicked, but thankfully, Makoto seemed to have disappeared, most likely fighting the office mess again. Hajime didn't want to push his (their?) luck, though, so he gently pried Komaeda away.

Except when he did, his hand lingered on the other's face. Komaeda almost nuzzled into it, closing his eyes for a moment.

_Shit._

"Neagi's going to see us..." Hajime whispered, realizing he should just take his hand away. 

But he didn't.

"Ah, wouldn't that be bad..." Komaeda murmured, not moving at all, "Truly...horrible..."

Hajime realized well he was risking it, but he also, as it had been the theme recently, was finding it increasingly difficult to care. 

"Hey..." he spoke quietly, shifting his hand so that he could bring Komaeda's chin up, "I meant what I said"

The other opened his eyes, now, gaze questioning.

"You're not going to be dying anytime soon. So, if you already know that...don't you want to try with that whole bringing hope thing in a different way?"

It was, sort of, a genuine question. Hajime didn't really know if his assumptions were correct.

"Komaeda, if you agree, and we can continue this research...if I manage to cure you. You'll become part of something significant. You say it's my work but none of this would have happened if you didn't agree to let me treat you. That's why I felt like I should tell you. I...just thought you might have liked to know that something you did could help people"

"I didn't do anything" the other protested.

"You did" Hajime replied, "For one, I would have never even gone into this research if you weren't sick. But more importantly, it was because you were willing to get better. You could have refused treatment. I told you back then, that it was all experimental, that I had no idea what could happen. In fact, the medications failed at first. You were...in pain quite a lot. Because of me..."

He gathered himself together.

"You complained about it, but you never refused my care. Komaeda, you...despite everything you say, I think you want to live"

And the other looked away, now, wringing his head out of Hajime's grasp. But their hands remained connected. 

He didn't deny it, not outright. Not this time.

It made Hajime's chest feel a bit lighter, somehow, as if an invisible weight he didn't even realize was there suddenly disappeared. He had wanted to say that for a long time. And now, even though there was no answer, it didn't make him feel scared anymore.

"And if you're going to live anyway, wouldn't it be better to do something useful with that life?" Hajime asked quietly.

"Is that what you believe?" the other turned back around to face him again.

The question took Hajime out. Komaeda sounded sharper, all of a sudden, the other could feel the control of the conversation being taken away from him. It was jarring, but Hajime didn't have a good answer. 

Silence fell as he tried to think of something, Komaeda's stare slowly softening again. 

"I..." the other spoke, quietly, "Appreciate you telling me, Hinata-kun. I'm just not sure..."

"Um, hello?" 

Both their gazes snapped to look at the screen.

"Ah, sorry" Makoto was there again, "I needed to go talk to Kyoko for a moment. You two looked like you were lost in conversation, so..."

 _Conversation_ was a bit of an understatement, in Hajime's opinion. If Makoto could see their lower halves, he would have realized they were now almost glued together on the bed. Hajime could feel Komaeda's knee digging into the side of his thigh. 

He wondered where nonverbal communication ended and pure indulgence started.

"I just wanted to say, it's fine if you're not sure yet, Komaeda-san" Makoto continued, "You don't have to tell us today or anything. As you have agreed to let us see the research, Hinata-san will still have to prepare everything"

"It's not finished, anyway" Hajime commented, "I want to be able to declare a complete cease of the degradation before I provide more details"

"Of course" Makoto nodded, "I understand. Komaeda-san, I want to thank you for agreeing to this. This research has the potential to help a lot of people"

"There's no need for that at all! I...um..." 

It used to be almost staggering how quickly Komaeda went from insistent and almost passive-aggressive to a mumbling mess again. The whiplash didn't even register in Hajime's mind anymore, not really. 

"I'll let you know if we make a decision regarding the signing" Hajime took control of the conversation before Makoto could make it worse, "And meanwhile, on that topic, I had one more thing to discuss"

"Ah, please go ahead" Makoto nodded.

"It's about the names" Hajime continued, "Had there been any progress?"

Makoto seemed surprised, before beginning to look around in the documents again.

"Uh, yes, actually..." he reached for another drawer, "We found quite a few of the ones you asked for..."

"Names?" Komaeda inquired.

Hajime hesitated a little. But he supposed it was only fair to explain everything about this, at that point. 

He never planned to involve anyone, but this was quickly becoming a slippery slope.

"I...want to start putting down the names of all the previous Ultimates that attended Hope's Peak" he admitted.

Komaeda frowned, processing the information.

"The ones I can recognize, anyway" Hajime continued, "I have no way of knowing whose data was used to create Izuru. So I asked Naegi-san if he could try and find as many names in Hope's Peak records as possible"

"Since we're rebuilding the school" Makoto added, "We've been trying to recover whatever information we can, anyway"

"I want to sign my research with them" Hajime's tone was sterner, now, "As many as we can find. I want...I want whoever will be using this knowledge in the future to know their names"

There was silence, for a moment, as the other two stared at him. Makoto had a small smile on his face, but there was also a strange worry there. Hajime didn't like it. He knew Makoto was just like that, but having someone younger worry about him made him feel pathetic.

"Their talent was not what defined them" Hajime stated, quieter, now, "And this will never replace a lost life. But...I just thought maybe some of them would have liked for their work to not go to waste. For people to at least remember their names, if everything else is lost. It's...the least I can do. For some of them, I am the last thing left that proves their existence. That proves the talent they held. The work they did..."

He trailed off, not looking at anything in particular. 

It was so easy for him to feel this guilt. His emotions weren't always like they were supposed to be, but this was simple. It was always there. 

Sometimes, when he closed his eyes, he swore he could almost feel them. He was supposed to only have their talent, their knowledge, but if he imagined hard enough, it was like they were there, too. Their dreams, their hopes and fears. Everything that a person would pour into their work. It made sense. 

After all, what the researchers at Hope's Peak didn't understand about talent was that it belonged to certain people for a reason. That there was history behind talent, no matter how small or simple.

Hajime wondered what it would be like to truly have those memories, too. To have the experiences of these hundredths of people inside himself, to actually understand their talents, instead of just being able to use them. If he had those memories, those emotions, would any of his Ultimates feel like they actually belonged to him? With a history behind them, would they feel true?

He wasn't naive enough to believe that, not anymore.

"I was wondering why you asked for these names" Makoto admitted, "I...understand. If this is what you wish to do, we will comply, of course. I will provide you with as many as we can find"

"Thank you" Hajime had to keep his voice from wavering, "I am very grateful"

"It's nothing at all, Hinata-san" Makoto waved his hands a little, "You have done so much for the Foundation already-"

Hajime only sighed. He supposed it felt a little nice to be appreciated, if he tried to ignore his guilt for a moment.

The entire time they talked, now, Komaeda just kept watching him. He was strangely silent, barely even reacting when Makoto said his goodbyes. Hajime was more and more aware of the other's gaze following his every move. As he got up to put the laptop away, Komaeda still didn't move. 

"Okay, I can feel you staring, you know" Hajime finally spoke up, "What is it?"

"Ah, am I not allowed to look at Hinata-kun?" the other smiled a little, "That's very understandable..."

"Please" Hajime rolled his eyes, "You can look as much as you want. Just tell me what's on your mind"

He realized too late what that first sentence implied. Komaeda did stop staring, now, a nervous smile on his lips. He seemed to calm down after a moment, even as he didn't move his head, his eyes drifted back to Hajime.

"I was just wondering..." he started, quieter, "You're not going to put your own name down, are you, Hinata-kun?"

Hajime felt himself get tense. 

It was like being a kid found out stealing from the candy drawer or something. Komaeda kind of had that ability. His accusations were sometimes ridiculous, but they also made one feel strangely guilty, often for no reason. It was the tone, probably. 

And also the fact, that in this case, he was absolutely right.

"I suppose my assumption was correct" Komaeda realized that very fact when the other remained silent.

Hajime was quiet for some more time, not really knowing what to do with himself. He was already overtaken by...unpleasant thoughts lingering on from their conversation with Makoto. There was no point in trying to deny it when Komaeda already realized.

He wasn't planning on putting his name down, indeed. Neither one of the two he had.

"Listen, I..." he finally started, after Komaeda kept just looking at him, "I don't expect you to understand. I just..."

"What if I want to?"

Komaeda got up, now, closing the distance between them in seconds. His expression was intense, as he grabbed both of Hajime's hands in his own.

"Hinata-kun, I want to understand" he spoke, eyes searching the other's face, "I love, and want to understand you more than anyone else"

Hajime felt himself inhale a little sharply. It was a pang of emotion in his chest, quick and overwhelming. He realized how off-guard this still caught him.  
Every time Komaeda said that word, Hajime's mind would stir again, for just a second. And the other was so unashamed of it, too. He declared it so casually, so openly. Komaeda was so obvious about his adoration, now.

Maybe he had always been, Hajime realized. Maybe he just never paid enough attention.

Hajime was fighting with his own mind again. On one hand, he promised himself he would never do this. Never involve anyone else, never let them see, never let them worry. His work was his own. His burden was his own.

His guilt was, and always should be, only his own. 

And there was anger there, too. In his own mind, he really _did_ think Komaeda didn't understand. But he always acted like he did, like there was no questioning this. Like no matter what Hajime said, he would be looking at him just the same.  
It was annoying. It was confusing.

"Then..." Hajime made his decision, "I can show you" 

It was stupid and irresponsible of him, he realized that. Telling Komaeda of those things he'd only ever kept to himself. The other had so many of his own issues already.  
But truth was, Hajime felt tired. It had been a permanent state for him for a while. Being with others, especially with Komaeda, relieved it, somewhat, but when he was alone again, it came back. 

He couldn't quite resist the temptation of sharing his secret with someone else.

"Show me?" Komaeda questioned.

"Outside" Hajime supplied, "If you're willing to leave"

The moment Komaeda took to think was very short. 

"Okay" he nodded, "I'll go"

There was no turning back, now. Hajime felt a bit scared. He had no idea what he was actually going to say. How he was going to explain. 

How Komaeda would react.

"Then we can head there right now" he stated, "Take your coat and-"

"Hinata-kun" the other grabbed his wrist, stopping him in his tracks, "Um..."

He fidgeted a little, as if weighing his options, but finally faced forward again.

"What about the rope?"

Hajime was dumbstruck.

It wasn't that he forgot about it, not really. It was more so that after Komaeda had found _the damn book_ and they confessed, Hajime assumed the other wouldn't really want anything to do with that thing anymore. As much as Hajime assured him his intentions were pure before, now, with their relationship on a...different level, it was clear they would not be so. 

Hajime tried to be professional, once, but he had his limits. This was an entirely different situation. There was no way he could tie up a person he liked without his mind slipping into...places.

Then again, maybe Komaeda wouldn't mind?

That was a dangerous thought. But it was plausible, more than just plausible, actually, with the reactions he'd gotten so far. It made Hajime a bit nervous. 

_"You can try whatever you want on me"_

Nope, nah, no, no, no. He was not going to be unpacking that today. 

"Okay, um, I'll just go get it" he spoke, putting his shoes on, "Wait here"

He realized it was a stupid thing to say as soon as he made it to his own cottage. Wait here? Where else would Komaeda go, anyway? 

Hajime hesitated a little, but grabbed the longer bundle of rope. Whatever. This was going to be just as difficult regardless. He might as well stop overthinking it. 

"Okay, do you want to do the same thing as last time or-" 

He trailed off as soon as he entered the room again. 

Komaeda had taken his shirt off completely, white skin standing out starkly in the artificial light. He was kneeling down on the floor, staring intently at Hajime, even as his face bore the usual, relaxed smile. His arms were placed on his thigs, palms turned up. 

Hajime recognized the position immediately.

_What in the-_

"Um..." he started, trying desperately not to show his surprise.

Maybe Komaeda didn't know? No, that wasn't an option. It was too obvious, not the sort of thing you would do accidentally. Especially not with how he was staring. That was the gaze of someone who absolutely knew what they were doing. 

Hajime realized he could even remember the exact chapter in the book where this behavior was described. 

_A display of submission._

No way in hell this was accidental. He'd seen Komaeda reading the damn thing. He must have actually skimmed through a lot of it, which, seeing how quickly he could go through a book, wasn't surprising. If there was anything Komaeda was efficient at, it was reading. When he wasn't doing it out loud, that is.

Hajime didn't know if he wanted to curse that damn book again or be glad. Because if he was interpreting this right...well, there wasn't much to interpret, really. 

The message was loud and clear. 

_"Try whatever you want"_

Hajime still wasn't ready to think about that. No, more like he shouldn't think about that, or they would not go anywhere at all that night. 

He just needed to focus on doing his thing. He had control. 

_Control, Hajime, control, dammit-_

Now that came was closer, he realized Komaeda was...tense. His expression was relaxed, but his body language, not at all. His back was overly straight, his body too unmoving. He swallowed a little loudly when Hajime crouched down next to him. Even still, Komaeda kept it up, persisting in the position. But his eyes betrayed nervousness.

And he stared at Hajime with a silent question. One he couldn't help but answer.

"Hey..." Hajime started, quiet, "Good...job"

He wanted to ask, he wanted to even protest, maybe, but he just couldn't. Seeing how hard Komaeda was trying to gauge his reaction, how obviously he was just as unsure as the other was.  
It was comforting, in a way. Like they were both starting out on the same level, now. 

Hajime supposed it was a conversation as much as any other. He didn't know what to say, he didn't want to accidentally ruin the moment - but he could keep moving. It wasn't risky, not really, this was pretty obviously Komaeda stating he was not opposed.  
Enthusiastic, maybe, even?

A bit of a shocking revelation, but Hajime had to keep his cool. He wouldn't leave the other hanging with what was so clearly an invitation. 

Keep the conversation going.

"This is good" he spoke, "Correct"

Actually, it wasn't _exactly_ correct - Komaeda should have been holding his head down until instructed otherwise. But Hajime actually preferred this. As nervous as the other's gaze made him, he liked it. Liked knowing these eyes were following his every move.  
The reverence that shined in them sometimes was a little addicting. 

Komaeda already relaxed visibly at Hajime's words, tension falling away from his shoulders. Those were pretty, too. His skin always looked so strangely thin. It was the color, most likely, but still, such a weird quality.  
Hajime always complained that the other needed more sunlight, yet this porcelain look...he had to admit it had its value. A lot of value. 

"What do you want me to do?" Hajime asked, voice still hushed, leveled. 

He took the rope out of his bag, unraveling it in front of the other. Komaeda glanced, for a moment, but returned his gaze to Hajime. 

"Hinata-kun can do whatever he wants" he smiled. 

Hajime almost sighed, because really, how else could he react, now. It wasn't any easier, not really, but he also had no energy to complain anymore. 

_Control. Just, control._

"Lift your arms up" he stated, and the other complied almost immediately. 

As Hajime got to work, he realized, _oh shit_ , the two of them were actually facing each other now.

This was the first time they were so close during the tying, and the direct eye contact was unavoidable. As Hajime reached to drape the rope over Komaeda's shoulder, the other automatically opened his legs a bit, allowing him to get closer. Their thighs ended up touching, of course they did, dammit. He couldn't acknowledge it, because that would make everything worse, so Hajime persisted, as if they weren't entirely too close, as if he couldn't almost feel Komaeda's breathing on his neck whenever he leaned in to reach his back. 

God, he had a lot of scars. They were small, mostly, sometimes invisible, but Hajime could feel them, whenever his fingers brushed over the other's warm skin. And when he did actually see one, it only made him want to purposefully touch it. This was so, so difficult. He knew, he was expecting it, but this was actually so unbelievably difficult. 

Hajime didn't realize this sort of suspense would actually be worse. Because now he couldn't keep telling himself _"It's not like that, keep it professional"_.

Now it was exactly _like that_. And they both knew, yet at the same time, neither of them would just spell it out. So every less than accidental touch, every prolonged gaze, they all now held that different type of uncertainty. A more giddy, excited sort of nervousness. 

"Keep your left arm here" Hajime instructed, grabbing the other's hand to guide him in the right position. 

It was pulling him in so quickly, how easy this was, how almost natural it felt, in all of its theatricality. And the thing was, Komaeda was different, too.

He responded quicker, now, but also, it all felt so much more deliberate. Like he knew what they were doing, too, like he acknowledged it. He couldn't say it, probably, but his body almost _mended_ under Hajime's work. The instructions were barely necessary, the other shifted along with the rope, as if he could recognize what Hajime was planning before he even did it. 

A conversation.

Hajime didn't quite realize what he was doing. The knots bloomed on Komaeda's body, one after the other, quick and efficient. And the boy didn't say a word, his eyes following every move, his body language complacent. A quick gasp, a sharper intake of breath whenever Hajime touched him accidentally, that was all Komaeda let out. It was already too much, anyway. 

Hajime knew he was at least a little red, and he couldn't even care. He was too focused on both holding himself together and his work. It was all he was capable of, just enduring it, to avoid doing something stupid. 

Everything still felt a bit like a dream, but it was reality, now. He just didn't know what to do with that fact.

"Mhm..." Komaeda mumbled a little when Hajime tightened the rope on his abdomen. 

He loosened it quickly, realizing what he was doing. Komaeda still had to walk around in this, he couldn't just-

Hajime snapped his head up for a moment, searching the other's face for signs of distress. 

_Oh, shit._

**That** expression again. Komaeda's eyes were glazed over, unfocused, his lips parted a little. Hajime wanted to kiss him so badly it almost hurt. It was an urge in a nearly aggressive sense. He actually had to remind himself that no, the world would not fall apart if he didn't.  
It felt like it would. 

They kept eye contact as Hajime finished the last knot blindly, not even knowing why. Komaeda just demanded attention at that moment, and who was he to deny it. 

He probably should deny it. He didn't have the resolve. 

Trying to let at least a few of his feelings out before they overwhelmed him, he settled for petting the other's head again. That was still such a strange thing to do, but he liked it, dammit, and actually, seemingly so did the other. Komaeda lowered his head eagerly.

Soft, soft hair. Tangled as hell, though. Hajime wanted to go get the brush again. 

"Good job" he repeated again, and the nervous smile on Komaeda's face was unmistakable, this time. 

This was weird. It should feel weird, right? Right?

But it didn't. Because the other looked back at him, and Hajime lowered his hand, brushing his cheek. Those eyes finally closed, Komaeda's head almost heavy on his palm. And then-

"Hinata-kun..."

_Oh for fuck's sake._

There went Hajime's resolve. He kissed Komaeda, quickly, intending for it to last just a second. But then, as they parted, the other followed Hajime's movements, crawling closer. 

And there it went again.

Hajime was giving up so quickly, now, he felt like there was almost no point in trying. Komaeda was _addictive_ , he was convinced of it. Nothing else could explain why just a small kiss was enough to make Hajime want to completely abandon all of his plans.

To stay inside, kissing Komaeda, and god, for a moment, it felt like he might as well never do anything else in his life. 

The other kept reaching closer, whenever Hajime would move back, and he started doing it on purpose, because seeing Komaeda chase after his lips was...something else. 

But when the other's hands moved, grabbing onto Hajime's shirt, he quickly grabbed his wrists.

"No" he spoke, stern and low, "No touching" 

Komaeda looked surprised, and Hajime guided his hands back to his lap again, instead. He brushed his palms with his own as he turned them over. 

"Keep them there, understood?" he ordered.

The pale boy swallowed visibly, and nodded slowly. 

Hajime felt just a bit guilty. He was making it look like a planned game, but actually, he was just desperately trying to prevent himself from getting too riled up. If Komaeda kept touching him, there was no telling where this would go. He didn't trust himself, or more so, he didn't trust his body. This was a safety precaution. 

Just kissing, nothing more. He also tried not to deepen it too much, but that went out the window quickly. To be fair, though, Komaeda was _not_ cooperating with his plans. Which, understandable, he probably had no idea what panicked thoughts were going through Hajime's mind. Most likely because of that, believing everything was fine, the other was absolutely not even trying to hold himself back. 

Komaeda had been getting braver very, very quickly. He was not only kissing back, now, but he was also actually _demanding_ about it. Any time Hajime would break the kiss, Komaeda chased after him, even as his hands were not leaving his lap. And, oh, he was absolutely starting to get _bitey_. Hajime was a little shocked, the first time he felt the other's teeth graze his bottom lip. 

Maybe that biting habit extended to other people?

Hajime couldn't say he minded, the exact opposite, actually. It was clear Komaeda was not fully controlling what he was doing, his movements becoming sloppier, more haphazard. Hajime quickly reached a certain conclusion:

The 'no touching' rule was not helping at all.

Because he could hear Komaeda's breath getting heavy, he could hear those small whines slipping from his lips again. And he caught it, the few times when the other's hands jerked upwards slightly, just to be forcefully returned to their position. He experimentally got a bit more forceful, sliding his tongue across the others. As he sucked on Komaeda's bottom lip, there was another small movement, suppressed immediately.  
Komaeda was struggling to keep still, but he was following the order, his obedience winning over his impulses.

And _that_ was worse. Hajime didn't know what it was about seeing Komaeda try so hard, just because he was instructed to do so, that made him feel like he was burning from the inside. The other was almost shuddering, clearly fighting himself, but he kept still, the kisses growing more and more desperate. 

It made Hajime both want to relieve the pressure and do the exact opposite. He had a passing thought, what if he told Komaeda not to move at all. What if the other was forced to keep completely still as Hajime did whatever he wanted to him-

"Hinata-kun...mhm..." 

The whine almost didn't reach his ears properly at first, but once it did, he finally stopped moving. Because that was a _warning_.

Not that Hajime needed one. He realized in seconds that if this continued, there would be no leaving the cottage anytime soon.

He was **not** going to have another humiliating experience in that bathroom. No way. 

"We should...go" he leaned back, trying to calm his breathing, "Y-yeah-"

But then he looked back at Komaeda, and, _oh_.

He didn't at all realize how far he went. Komaeda's entire torso was bound, the rope tied in diamond patterns all over his chest. The color stood out so strongly against his skin, Hajime just couldn't help but think, _how pretty_. Not to mention his now reddened cheeks and hazy stare. His lips were still parted, as if he didn't quite catch up on what was happening, yet.

Komaeda was pretty. And this was Komaeda in Hajime's rope. It made it better.

It made it worse. Hajime had to look away, finally, willing himself to calm down. This wasn't his fault, he tried to justify himself. The other started it. 

Not like it mattered. They both _knew_ , now. 

Hajime wondered if Komaeda knew how this looked, though. How appealing of a sight he made.

_Control._

"Hinata-kun...?" 

The other's voice was still a tad breathless. 

"You're pretty" 

Hajime didn't quite hear his own words until Komaeda's eyes widened. Ah. Shit. 

"H-Hinata-kun...what...!" Komaeda covered his face with his hands, immediately burning up.

Hajime should really just shut up sometimes. 

Komaeda's reaction was not weird, for him, but it was a bit ironic how he did that. The white-haired boy could endure an entire session of being tied up and making out, but when did he lose it? A compliment.

Hajime couldn't even complain, because honestly, saying that made him a lot more embarrassed than anything they did just moments prior. Was there something wrong with him?

There was. 

"J-Just put some clothes on and let's go!" Hajime reached into a random drawer, pulling out a t-shirt.

He threw it at Komaeda with no finesse, but the other actually seemed grateful. He kept it covering his face for a moment, probably trying to will his blush down, before finally putting it on. 

"Um...this doesn't really..." the white-haired boy realized, inspecting the shirt. 

The black rope was clearly visible through the white fabric. That was a nice sight, too. 

"I brought something to help with that" Hajime pulled out the prepared item from his bag.

Komaeda inspected it curiously when it was handed to him, before complying. Hajime felt like snorting just a bit once it was actually on, because it was absolutely too large.

The surprise item was a black coat, but really, it kind of looked more like a blanket on Komaeda. The sleeves were far too long, covering his hands, and once he put the hood up, it obscured his eyes a little.

"Hinata-kun? What...is this?" he questioned, fumbling with the sleeves. 

At least it was a distraction. Not that Hajime was still not very much feeling the ghost touch of the other's lips on himself. He really needed to get his brain checked out or something.

"I found it in the warehouse" he stated, "Thought it could be useful for hiding your hair outside. You know, you're kind of, visible from fifty meters away?"

The encounter with Mahiru was still fresh in his mind. Hiding the hair would at least somewhat reduce the risk of that happening again. 

"Um...why does it have ears?" 

Komaeda was referring to the two strange longer fabric pieces on the hood. Hajime didn't realize before, but yeah, they sort of looked like rabbit ears. 

"I have no idea" he admitted, "Look, I didn't exactly think about appearances when I found it. It's just meant to cover you up"

Komaeda tried it, now, and when he zipped up the front, indeed, he was covered almost from head to toe. It did its job, at least.

And if he resembled a black bowling pin just a bit too much, with how his mass of hair made the hood bulge, Hajime wasn't going to mention it. It was cute, though, the way he was almost swimming in the fabric. Komaeda was tall, so this was a rare sight, one Hajime never expected to witness. 

"It's soft..." the other smiled a little, touching the hood. 

A guy this weird had no right to be adorable. But was he ever. 

"Well, if you're done fondling that, let's go" Hajime turned for the door.

Komaeda complied as usual, and honestly, it wasn't even a decision this time. Hajime put the other's shoes on for him before he even considered it. 

This just didn't seem that strange, after everything else.

The night outside was much more silent than before, this time. It almost felt fitting, to how Hajime felt. Because now he was remembering where they were heading, again, and the nervousness was creeping on him, mixing with the still lingering excitement. 

No turning back.

"Watch your step" he reminded the other as they got onto the transport platform. 

Komaeda was clearly interested. He must have realized that they were going to the fifth island when Hajime switched the settings on the control pad. The wires snapped in place, the soft whirring of the engine the only thing letting them know they were moving forward.  
Because it was dark, it almost always was, the platforms didn't have lights, to avoid scaring whatever was probably swimming around under them at night. With how they were positioned above the water, being pulled along on the wires, it felt weirdly weightless. 

Komaeda seemed to still be distrustful of the platforms because he came closer to Hajime. The other held out his hand, not looking, and felt it being grabbed after a moment. 

"You're scared" Hajime stated as a fact.

"A little..." the other admitted, "I think it just reminds me of that time I rode a cable car..."

"Please don't tell me the wire snapped" Hajime groaned, "Or I will never be able to ride one again, either"

"Ah, no, not at all" Komaeda laughed quietly, "There was just a very strong gust of wind, and it started to shake quite violently. I got thrown against the glass, and it cracked a little. Must have already been quite weak...but it didn't break. How lucky, right? Only my wrist was broken from the impact, and while I was sitting in the waiting room in the hospital, I met this rich old chairman. He was very glad to talk to me, you see, since he was there to see his sick son, apparently he was my age, and-"

Hajime still couldn't believe these stories, sometimes. Komaeda's life sounded like a complicated drama series, one of those that went on forever. But he had already seen enough to know it was all very true. 

It might have sounded exciting, but Hajime realized well how tired Komaeda was. He knew that feeling, even though it came from the complete opposite experience.

A life where too much happens, and a life where nothing happens. 

Hajime almost unconsciously brought the other closer. They stayed like that until dry land, Komaeda even resting his head on his shoulder a little. 

There did come a thought, as they were making their way towards the workshop, that maybe Komaeda's coat was actually not that great of an idea. It did hide his hair, his entire silhouette, actually, but the problem was - it looked suspicious as fuck. 

If someone saw them, it would have looked like Hajime was getting kidnapped by a shadowy figure. Here was to hoping Kazuichi hadn't stayed longer at the robotics facility or anything.

"Here...?" Komaeda questioned as they entered the courtyard.

Hajime nodded.

"I've actually never come here much" Komaeda admitted, "A bit too many...potential accidents, haha"

Hajime couldn't even argue. This place was already a danger zone, with how much havoc Kazuichi could wreck. Not to even mention Hajime's 'cave'. He would never let Komaeda in there, not in a million years. The stacked boxes and barely-hanging-on towers of electronics just begged for an _unlucky_ accident. 

He might not have shared Komaeda's paranoia, but he wasn't stupid, either. Tempting fate was very much a thing.

Thankfully, they weren't going anywhere particularly dangerous. As they reached the entrance to the 'cave', Hajime changed directions abruptly, leading them to the back of the building instead. 

Komaeda eyed the small door they reached curiously. It was purposefully made to look extremely unused, with rust peeling off, and in general, gave the appearance of leading to a back power generator or something. 

Hajime reached into his pocket for the key.

"Makes it less suspicious" he explained as he turned it in the lock, "No one cares about an old door that doesn't even have an electronic lock"

Maybe he was paranoid, actually, in his own way. He definitely was. 

"What is this, Hinata-kun?" Komaeda questioned as they descended down the stairs to the basement. 

_A secret._

Another door, and then, they reached the actual place. Hajime switched on the lights, the old lightbulbs flickering faintly. The air conditioning was always running, and the air was dry, the musky smell one would expect out of a basement not present.

Komaeda took his hood off, looking around, not knowing where to focus his gaze. 

Hajime inhaled slowly. He still didn't know how to explain this. 

"What...?" Komaeda looked back at him. 

"This...is my research" Hajime stated. 

It was only one room out of a few, really, but it was obvious enough. Shelves were stacked up to the ceiling with documents, laptops laid on every available surface. Disks, hard drives, USB sticks, books, folders - storage in every available form, stuffed into open drawers, scattered around. Komaeda walked in, slowly, turning his head, inspecting everything. He had a look of confusion and awe on his face.

"Your research?" he questioned, looking at the other again.

Hajime swallowed a little. He had to try, at least.

"Everything...all of this" he spoke, touching the closest stack of documents, "This was all written, recorded, or otherwise created by me"

Komaeda's eyes widened, now. 

"That's..." he was visibly trying to comprehend what he was being told.

"Impossible?" Hajime almost laughed a little, "For a normal person, maybe. But not for Izuru Kamukura. Not...for me"

Komaeda was frozen, staring at him, at the documents. 

"I...you never. I didn't..." he was mumbling, trying to piece the information together.

"I never told anyone" Hajime confirmed, "No one knows. This place..." he gestured around, "Was an old military bunker. I found it, no one else realized, because the entrance was completely overgrown. I cleared it and made a key for the door. And then..." he paused for a moment, "I've spent many hours here, writing down everything. Any knowledge I realized I had while working on the island, any discoveries, any technology - I wrote it all down, copied all the blueprints. This place..."

He considered the blank walls for a moment. 

"This place is an archive. Physical storage for all the research the previous holders of my Ultimates did. All of their life's work, all of their discoveries, all of their breakthroughs - I intend to write them all down. I intend to preserve them, as much as I can rip out of my brain. I share them with the Foundation, as well-"

"This is what Naegi-san was talking about" Komaeda realized, "Your...work"

Hajime nodded slowly.

"Yes" he confirmed, "I have been providing this information to the Foundation, basically since the beginning. I weed out the stuff I don't want to share, of course, for example, if it's potentially dangerous. But everything else, everything that could be useful, I share with them. Especially the most pressing science. The medical field..."

He looked over to the shelf that contained mostly his notes from the hospital. It was everything and anything, from the recipes for the medications, to blueprints for the machines. 

"Humanity didn't realize" he spoke, a bit quieter, "We didn't realize how important knowledge is. How important skill and talent can be. We didn't realize until we almost lost it all"

Komaeda came closer, again, listening to him, a focused frown on his face.

"Naegi told me, you know" Hajime sighed a little, "How much we lost. When people were overcome with despair, they...just straight up destroyed everything, sometimes. The books. The documents. The hard drives, well, not even speaking of how much was lost when servers were burned to the ground. Billions and billions of data, not ever to be recovered" he was thoughtful, "The worst part is, you know, it didn't spare anyone. The researchers, the scientists, the artists. No matter how much of a genius someone was, despair took lives indiscriminately. We would know, better than anyone" he laughed, but it was bitter, "There was so much knowledge that was still not recorded, still left in those minds. I...meant what I said"

He took a breath, realizing he was getting too worked up.

"For some of those people, I really am the last thing proving they ever existed. The last thing preventing their life's work from being forgotten"

It was a position he realized, when he kept listening to Naegi, when he kept getting snippets of news from the outside world. When he kept looking at things made by his own hands, and yet not belonging to him at all. He started to wonder, then. About those actual owners.

There was nothing that could replace a lost life. But Hajime could do _something_.

"Hinata-kun...this is..." Komaeda was still looking around.

Hajime understood. It was a lot, and really, he was a bit scared. Of how the other would react.

"When?" Komaeda frowned, "All of this...when did you do this?"

"Anytime I could" the other admitted, "At night, mostly. It's not hard for me to sneak around if I focus on it. Not that anyone would be suspicious of me, anyway. Everybody knows I spend a lot of time in the workshop. Why would they bother me?"

Until recently, that is. Because apparently locking himself in his workshop for hours was not suspicious, but doing the same in Komaeda's cottage was.

Okay, actually, yeah, he had to admit, that made sense.

"At night...but then, when did you-"

"I didn't" Hajime shrugged, "I told you, I can go on for an entire week without sleep if I need to"

Really, the truth was, even when he wanted to sleep, it wasn't like he could. The nightmares aside, so often, he would just be lying down for hours, sleep refusing to come. Might as well work instead, right?

Work was easier.

"Do you understand, now?" he asked, and Komaeda frowned. 

They were looking at each other, for a moment, but Hajime turned away. He gestured at the room with his hands.

"Do you understand?" he repeated, "Look at this. Isn't it obvious? It's impossible for one person to have this much knowledge, to ever comprehend this much information" he felt his voice wavering just a little, but kept going, "I have created all of this, and yet, none of it belongs to me. I feel nothing towards the things I create, because they aren't actually mine"

And he thought about this before, as he stood in this room, full of knowledge he possessed, but could never truly understand. It really did feel like he was a thief. Nothing but a fraud. 

He knew he was getting worked up again, but there was a vacuum pulling in his chest. Reminding him what he sacrificed for this. What could have been. 

Some had said it wasn't his fault. But they didn't know, they didn't understand. They weren't there, all of those times when _she_ was right next to him. When he could have crushed her skull with a single move, when he could have ended it all. He was a god in human form, back then. Had he only wanted to, he could have prevented everything.

He would never know if that was actually true. But it was easy to believe. 

"I have nothing, in the end" Hajime covered his face with his hand, "Why would I ever sign _my_ name on this research? This isn't mine. This belongs to other people, other people who might have still been alive have I not-"

He choked up as he felt himself being pulled into a hug. 

Komaeda was pressed tight against him in seconds, his hair tickling Hajime's face. There were hands on his back, holding onto him with a grip a lot stronger than it seemed the other would be capable of. 

And the smell of almonds surrounded him, everything suddenly blurring away. The warmth was overwhelming, despite the fact he knew the other's hands were as cold as always. For a moment, Hajime was on a cottage bed, again, waking up to morning sun, to a smiling face of someone he loved.  
His breathing evened out as he slowly returned the hug. He couldn't quite gather his thoughts.

"That's not true, Hinata-kun"

Komaeda was speaking quietly, but there was a conviction in those words, a rare thing for him. The usual relaxed tone was gone, in favor of something skimming on the obsessive side, and yet, filled with emotion. 

"You have so many friends, right? Friends you can count on to support you. Saying there's nothing...Hinata-kun, you shouldn't doubt your friends like that"

Hajime smiled just a little. Hearing Komaeda say that again, after such a long time - there was something comforting in it. The first time he said it, it was almost like a bad omen, with what followed after. And yet, despite everything, here he was, saying the same thing again as if he still believed it as strongly.  
He and Makoto were similar in that regard. Maybe it was a lucky student thing?

"And...Hinata-kun..." the other pulled away, now.

When their eyes met, Hajime almost couldn't believe how intense the other's gaze was.

It used to be scary, he thought. Back then, Komaeda looking like this, it meant bad news. This conviction was almost worse than the apathy, because usually, right after sending him a look like that, Komaeda would do something very stupid.

But now, it felt like a form of affection, almost. There was so much emotion in it, something Komaeda didn't show lightly. 

"I understand completely!" the other declared, grabbing his hands, "You were the same as me, weren't you, Hinata-kun? You adored those who possessed great talent. You adored Hope's Peak Academy. That's why...I understand"

Hajime wanted to deny it, he did. But he had realized, somewhere along the way, that Komaeda was right all along. As much as Hajime used to scoff at the other's passionate speeches, at his obsessiveness, really, he wasn't that different at all.

He was obsessed, too. Maybe even more. Because what, if not obsession, pushed him to go as far as he did, just for talent?

Talent plagued him just as much as it did Komaeda. They expressed it in different ways. But in the end, an obsession was an obsession.

"Why you would want to do this, I understand" Komaeda smiled, "To preserve all this beautiful talent, to know that one day, hope may be born from it again. Ah, I was so devastated, too, knowing it would all go to waste! Knowing we lost all those shining Ultimates..."

"I don't think that's exactly it, but..." Hajime laughed quietly.

"Hinata-kun"

Komaeda moved closer, their hands together. He was serious, so serious, a rare sight. 

"I don't know if it's possible, but I think I might start loving you even more, now!" the other confessed, gripping his palms.

"What? Um, that's-" Hajime stuttered, "But why?"

"You're astonishing" Komaeda smiled, fully, brightly. 

He let go to turn around, opening his arms, gesturing at the room. 

"All of this" he explained, "You have been doing all of this, just to try and preserve this knowledge, to raise hope for a future generation. Even as you worked hard for all of us, still, you kept going. This resolve, this desire to find light in a hopeless world, this determination..." he breathed out, shivering a little, "Hinata-kun, I don't think I could express how incredible I find you"

Hajime could feel his breath catching in his throat, as the other smiled back at him. 

He didn't expect this. Not at all. 

The reason why he didn't tell anyone was also that he knew how they would react. What they would say. They would be angry, that he didn't tell anyone. They would want him to stop, because he was working too hard, because this wasn't necessary.  
Or maybe not at all, but those were his fears, and above everything else, he always thought, _they don't need this_.

They don't need to hear about Hajime's problems, they don't need to know about his work. They have enough of their own issues. 

And here was Komaeda, knowing nearly everything, smiling at him. Accepting it all, admiring it, with no anger, no desire to take it away from Hajime. With nothing but adoration, the other took his hands again.

That obsessive look used to be scary, and now, Hajime thought how much he wanted Komaeda to keep looking at him like that.  
Like he was the most important person in the world. 

"Just as expected of the Ultimate Hope" the other spoke quieter, now, "You always captivate me with your incredible self"

_Over and over again._

"Komaeda...I..." Hajime found himself at a loss for words.

"I know it may be entirely too forward of me..." Komaeda started, moving closer again, "But if there is anything at all I can do, please, let me help you!"

Hajime stared for a moment. 

_Help?_

"If Hinata-kun wants to continue bringing such great hope..." Komaeda shivered slightly, "I am quite worthless, in the end, with no real abilities to speak of. A lowly human being. And yet...I can't quite help myself..." he smiled, "I want to do anything I can, anything at all! If...if it's for this, then..."

Their fingers intertwined slowly, as Komaeda was now centimeters away from Hajime's face.

"You said I should live for the sake of hope" the other recalled, "Then, please, let me help you in this. I might not be of much use, but I...as long as Hinata-kun wants it...I promise to stay by your side!"

_Let me stay with you._

"Komaeda..." Hajime couldn't quite keep the emotions that were flooding him out of his voice.

"It is such an arrogant thought, coming from someone like me..." the other whispered, now, "But, Hinata-kun..."

Slowly, he brought their faces together, their foreheads touching.

"Hinata-kun, I want to see you happy"

"That's...my line..." Hajime whispered. 

Komaeda looked confused, but it didn't matter. Hajime kissed him lightly, slowly, reveling in the little gasp of surprise it brought out of the other. 

They stared at each other when they parted. Hajime couldn't quite help smiling. 

There was a fire in his chest, spreading across his body. It felt like it was burning away all of those thoughts that plagued him, leaving an empty space, a feeling of light emotion. 

"I...never wanted to involve you in this...I..." Hajime wavered, even as his heart was filling with happiness.

"I'm happy to share a secret with you" the other stepped back.

Hajime frowned lightly as Komaeda unzipped his coat. 

"It's alright, isn't it?" the white-haired boy asked, "I already share a secret with Hinata-kun, after all"

He brought his shirt up, exposing his stomach, and the rope weaved across it. Hajime sputtered, immediately, because that was a _sight_. But the other only smiled at him. 

"So, it's okay, right?" he asked, "You can tell me anything you want. It doesn't matter at all. I will always fall in love with Hinata-kun"

Hajime felt like he didn't deserve it. This complete, utter adoration, this reality where he was loved for who he was. 

Komaeda loved him talented, talentless, by any name, any appearance. Komaeda loved him with all of his secrets, his obsessions.

"Stop that" Hajime chastised the other a little, bringing his shirt back down.

"Huh? Is Hinata-kun getting flustered, perhaps? Ah, how strange..." Komaeda laughed. 

_You are strange_ , Hajime wanted to reply, but that would be too lame even for him. 

"Then..." trying to gather his courage, Hajime reached forward, "Then...if you want to help me. Could we...talk?"

Talking with Komaeda was more calming than anything else. The other was a good listener.

"And, can I sleep with you?" he asked, "And do your hair? And play chess with you? And...I..."

"We already do all of that" Komaeda frowned a little.

"Then let me do it more!" Hajime was really flustered, now, but he kept going, "Keep me company. It's all I want"

"That's not much of a request..." Komaeda considered.

"Uh, okay, then..." Hajime focused for a moment, "Then let's go out more. I...want to spend time outside with you"

And at this, Komaeda did waver, just a little. He seemed unsure, glancing around. 

"I'm very ordinary" Hajime explained, "So I also have ordinary wants, I guess. I enjoy our time together, now but...there are so many things we could do outside...with everyone else...and..."

He didn't really want to say it, but if it could convince the other, then.

"I want to go on a date with you!" he exclaimed, probably a little too loud, "A regular one! Outside!"

Komaeda immediately went red, hiding his face, staring at the floor.

"A d-date...with Hinata-kun..." 

"That's right" Hajime tried to put more conviction in his voice, "So start going out more, okay? We can...get ice-cream or something!"

"You can bring ice-cream to the cottage..." the other pointed out.

"No, it will melt" Hajime protested.

"If you say so..."

Komaeda smiled calmly, wrapping his hands around the other again. They stood there for a moment, under artificial light, surrounded by documents and stacks of hard drives. 

Surrounded by Hajime's secret. 

"I made my decision" Komaeda spoke up again. 

Hajime was resting his head against the other's shoulder.

"What decision?" he asked, almost whispering again. 

"I will put down my name if you put yours" Komaeda answered.

"Which one?" Hajime teased a bit, because he couldn't stop himself.

"Doesn't matter" the other pushed him away so that they were facing each other again.

_Doesn't matter._

And it really didn't. Not to Komaeda. Hajime was Hajime. 

His Ultimate Hope. 

"Okay, then" he agreed, "Let's put our names down together"

And there were those pale green eyes staring back at him, that calm expression.

Hajime told his secret, and it was no longer just his own. 

His work would never again be just his own. 

And, maybe, just maybe, that was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaand it is "hajime's issues finally get addressed a bit" o'clock  
> i think everyone saw this coming eventually  
> don't worry, his sleep schedule is getting better thanks to SOMEONE hshshs
> 
> also komaeda really just went reverse uno card on hajime huh
> 
> nagito-makoto interactions are the funniest thing to me shshshs  
> talking to yourself, advanced edition
> 
> btw, if you caught it: that black coat is a reference to komaeda's beta design! the coat had ears...for some reason...  
> the glasses were A+ though, i wished we could have gotten komaeda in glasses at least once in canon shshs
> 
> komaeda: i don't wanna leave  
> hajime: ok but consider  
> hajime: ice-cream  
> komaeda: you got me there
> 
> next up...IT'S TIME FOR A D-D-D-D-DATE  
> (with mahiru third-wheeling, most likely, because she will not give up on that picture)


End file.
